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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To email the school re a man at the bus stop???

999 replies

JumpingThroughHoops · 30/06/2012 18:38

Well I have emailed, so no AIBU about it really Grin

Yesterday (Friday) 20 mins after primary school ended I saw a man at the bus stop outside the school. The bus stop usually has a large amount of teenaged girls waiting from the secondary opposite.

He was by himself indicating a bus had just been; there were no other adults or children around.

BUT. Earlier that morning the same man was at the primary sports day. He wasn't with a lady (for that read wife or partner), no reason why he should have been really, he might have been a single dad. BUT. He was chatting with another father, or rather he was listening as the other father waxed lyrical, pointing out his children and all their little friends, getting them to wave over.

Two months previous, I was on a train and he sat opposite me, with a French lady with two small girls (maybe 3 and 5). I assumed they were together, he knew their names. He carried their suitcase. I assumed the stilted conversation was because the lady didn't have English as a first language. I also assumed they were together because he was teasing one of the girls until she screamed in frustration. He was also asking lots of questions, but not in an obvious way, such as "when do you go home?" What are you doing tomorrow?" "is your Dad missing you?" - which of course I was oblivious to on the train because it was general chit chat.

See him at sports day and think it's that annoying wind up merchant again "oh, I didn't know there were little French girls at this school". There aren't any little French girls at the school and they were too young to be in the KS3 sports day anyway.

See him at the bus stop and think "hang on a min" gut instinct kicks in, something just isn't right here.

So I've emailed school with a full description, a set of circumstances and no accusations, because he wasn't actually doing anything suspiciously.

*disclaimer, I don't see a paedophile behind every tree, but I am a believer in gut instinct. I don't know why the red flags shot up when I saw him again. Probably because he was a bit of charmer, again not in an obvious way, he was just very good at ferreting out information from people.

Probably an entirely coincidental set of innocent circumstances and he is a listener rather than a talker.

Would you have emailed the school?

OP posts:
Rezolution · 01/07/2012 13:23

Jumping I had a similar "gut instinct" two weeks ago.
Well dressed man (thirtyish) at the bus stop where my DDs bus to school. 7.54am. He was very keen to acknowledge me (nodding and saying good morning) from the other side of the road. H e also spoke briefely to the DDs.That was to make the DDs assume I KNEW him (I think)
When they came home I asked if he taught at their school and they said they had not got a clue who he was. Even odder, he did not even get on their bus!
Well, I don't see paedophiles behind every tree either but if he is ever there again I will challenge him and find out all his details Blush Miss Marple is not in it!

tinkerbel72 · 01/07/2012 13:25

I'd also add that having experienced abuse oneself, may give one a heightened awareness of the existence of abuse but it does not make one an authority on detecting it.

Gibbous · 01/07/2012 13:26

i have said that it cannot be said whether the OP is right or wrong, the email certainly wasn't the right way to go about it.

So we're in agreement then Birds. I don't see many people laughing at the risk of a child being targeted either. Maybe having a pop at some of the more irrational arguments.

There are around 53,000 registered sex offenders in England and Wales. Out of a population of 54 million. Even if the actual unregistered number is ten times that it's still less than 1pc.

Gibbous · 01/07/2012 13:26

Damn, I new I couldn't stay away.

Gibbous · 01/07/2012 13:28

*knew.

TheSpokenNerd · 01/07/2012 13:28

MN is always keen to label people as obsessive pedo spotters....to the detriment of those with real concerns getting good advice. My thoughts are that people need to trust their instincts...always. I have had a close call once with a man who made my hackles rise for no apparent reason.

He was involved wth a neighbours family...a nice man he seemed but my hair stood on end whenever I encountered him. He was friendly...normal seeming...but Iliterally felt ill when I met him.

Turned out he was a convicted sex offender and was probably trying to groom my neighbours until they dscvered his past.

Rezolution · 01/07/2012 13:33

ThespokenNerd. Yes, I agree with you. I am no paedo spotter, God forbid, but I have learnt from experience to listen to my gut instincts about people. Those gut instincts are there for a reason. OK it may be a bit of the caveman/cavewoman in us coming through but sometimes those uncomfortable niggling doubts make the difference between safety and putting yourself at risk.

pumpkinsweetie · 01/07/2012 13:33

I would rather end up being a loony pedo spotter than someone who completely ignores my instincts which could save a childs life.
What is it with people sticking up for these beasts and saying they don't exist-54,000 is a lot imo.
I would rather my kids were safe than ignoring a wierdo staring at them on sportsdays and other public events.
People saying this man was doing no harm even if he was a stranger- what if it was your child he was oggling?
Op did the right thing and i cant see why she would choose to ignore it tbh

GrahamTribe · 01/07/2012 13:33

Rezolution, I had an interesting experience of "gut instinct" too.

I was at a crossroads in a less than salubrious South London, waiting for a break in the traffic as I saw a young man, tall, strong and fit, in jeans and a denim jacket walking behind an elderly lady. She was a bit infirm, leaning heavily on a stick and carrying a plastic shopping bag in one hand. As I watched the man quickened his pace until he was just a few paces behind her. My gut instinct told me that this guy was a problem and I scanned the road for somewhere to swing my car into, considering just hitting the hazards and abandoning it so I could run after him if he laid a finger on the old lady.

He did. I'd just pulled across the road and pulled up alongside them as he put a hand on her shoulder. At last I got a good look at his face.

I got a good view of the clerical "dog collar" he was wearing too.

Gut instinct, eh?

SuddenlyMadameGlamour · 01/07/2012 13:33

I have worked in secure units in forensic psychiatry and come across paedophiles, and when I hear stories of their offences I found it chilling to acknowledge the kind of things that have happened on my doorstep. However I still don't get what this man did wrong! There is absolutely no evidence that he wasn't there for legitimate reasons and his behaviour didn't sound at all suspicious! If he wanted to snatch a child it would be very stupid to come on sports day when every child is supervised by it's parents. If he was there repeatedly and seen talking to lone children, now that would be a different matter. And surely talking to a father is not suss at all? He's not even doing the old grooming a single mum trick there either.

RedHelenB · 01/07/2012 13:37

Rez - are we really getting to a society where a stranger can't smile & say hello to at you or your child without suspecting the worst?

GrahamTribe · 01/07/2012 13:38

pumpkin, I don't see anyone "sticking up for these beasts" Hmm and frankly I find it a little offensive that you should make that accusation.

TheSpokenNerd · 01/07/2012 13:38

Graham thats just like the old advert for the INdependant where a skinhead is running after a man...only to save him from a falling ladder or something. Seeing a vulnerable woman being approached by a young man from behind would make ANYONES hackles rise...it's not comparible to meeting someone in an ordinary situation and feeling "odd" about them at all.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 01/07/2012 13:40

Blimey, OP. Yes, you sound unhinged. Be careful that somebody doesn't report you for your own behaviour, which is decidedly odd. You sound very pleased with yourself too. Confused

DamselInTornDress · 01/07/2012 13:40

I'd also add that having experienced abuse oneself, may give one a heightened awareness of the existence of abuse but it does not make one an authority on detecting it.

No it doesn't. But it does make one a little more cautious and suspicious. The OP acted with caution.

Rezolution · 01/07/2012 13:40

OK Grahamtribe, I take your point. I do make a mental note of these "instincts" but don't act on them Just file them away on the database in my brain (assuming I have one!) They may be useless bits of info and 99% of the time they just fade away. No harm done. The point is, I think, that I am AWARE of these thoughts and deal with them.

DamselInTornDress · 01/07/2012 13:41

I started ready grahams story and knew that was how it would transpire before I got to the end.

Must be my gut instinct. Smile

Xales · 01/07/2012 13:42

What is it with people sticking up for these beasts and saying they don't exist. I don't believe one person on this thread has stuck up for a single convicted paedophile or said they don't exist.

54,000 is a lot imo registered. They are going to be 10's of 1000's more out there unregistered.

Gibbous · 01/07/2012 13:42

53,000/54,000 sex offenders means that out of every 1,000 people you know one will be a sex offender (and even then that covers all sex offences, not necessarily paedophilia) so yes, keep your wits about you but keep it in context.

RubyFakeNails · 01/07/2012 13:43

What are you going to do if you see him again?

I posted in the beginning about how the op is completely ludicrous and how she is also the kind of person I try to keep away from children, but having thought about this thread I think it seems highly likely the OP may see this man again.

Then what will happen? Will you say anything? Will you send another email so as to update them on his behaviour, what do you think you will do OP?

Rezolution · 01/07/2012 13:44

Redhelen No, not at all. I tend to be rather sociable and chat to strangers quite often. But I am choosy who I chat to as well. Tends to be middle aged females rather than men.
My DDs on the other hand are very suspicious of strangers and give them short shrift. A scowl if they are lucky! That is their generation and that is how they feel about adult strangers. Sad world hay?

pinkpyjamas · 01/07/2012 13:45

Not sure why the fact that someone was wearing a dog collar would allay your fears.
Statistically.

Gibbous · 01/07/2012 13:45

*I started ready grahams story and knew that was how it would transpire before I got to the end.

Must be my gut instinct.*

Yes, me too, I would say it was more to do with the fact she was clearly introducing a counter argument from the tone of her first line. Call that gut instinct or evidence-based logic...

DamselInTornDress · 01/07/2012 13:47

Whatever it was, something resonated in me. Kinda think that's what happened with the OP.

ilovesooty · 01/07/2012 13:49

Like many others on this thread I cannot see what the man has done that is suspicious or any cause for concern. The OP acted in haste and has since been flippant on returning to the thread.

If her busybodying results in real repercussions for this man (as false allegations can have a devastating effect) I can't even imagine her conscience being pricked.