To email the school re a man at the bus stop???

[JumpingThroughHoops]

Well I have emailed, so no AIBU about it really

Yesterday (Friday) 20 mins after primary school ended I saw a man at the bus stop outside the school. The bus stop usually has a large amount of teenaged girls waiting from the secondary opposite.

He was by himself indicating a bus had just been; there were no other adults or children around.

BUT. Earlier that morning the same man was at the primary sports day. He wasn't with a lady (for that read wife or partner), no reason why he should have been really, he might have been a single dad. BUT. He was chatting with another father, or rather he was listening as the other father waxed lyrical, pointing out his children and all their little friends, getting them to wave over.

Two months previous, I was on a train and he sat opposite me, with a French lady with two small girls (maybe 3 and 5). I assumed they were together, he knew their names. He carried their suitcase. I assumed the stilted conversation was because the lady didn't have English as a first language. I also assumed they were together because he was teasing one of the girls until she screamed in frustration. He was also asking lots of questions, but not in an obvious way, such as "when do you go home?" What are you doing tomorrow?" "is your Dad missing you?" - which of course I was oblivious to on the train because it was general chit chat.

See him at sports day and think it's that annoying wind up merchant again "oh, I didn't know there were little French girls at this school". There aren't any little French girls at the school and they were too young to be in the KS3 sports day anyway.

See him at the bus stop and think "hang on a min" gut instinct kicks in, something just isn't right here.

So I've emailed school with a full description, a set of circumstances and no accusations, because he wasn't actually doing anything suspiciously.

*disclaimer, I don't see a paedophile behind every tree, but I am a believer in gut instinct. I don't know why the red flags shot up when I saw him again. Probably because he was a bit of charmer, again not in an obvious way, he was just very good at ferreting out information from people.

Probably an entirely coincidental set of innocent circumstances and he is a listener rather than a talker.

Would you have emailed the school?

What resonated in you I would suspect was the use of the word 'interesting' and the inverted commas around 'gut instinct', denoting mild sarcasm.

The OP can't put her finger on anything other than a bloke talked to a (probable) friend with grumpy kids, talked to another friend at sports day but let him boast on about his DC and waited for a bus. Which apparently denotes the need for an email to go to the school about possible ill intentions.

OK. If you say so.

53,000 convicted sex offenders though. So presumably again a larger figure of those where there has not been enough evidence to secure a conviction...

The scary thing is I know personally of one instance where the line "if this gets out you'll ruin his reputation" was used to silence a child where something actually had happened. I'm pretty sure it's not a rare occurrence.

The OP's primary driver was to draw attention to what she considered might be a risk to children. Yes that can have devastating consequences if incorrect, but the primary challenge should be how she tackled it to try and find the balance between addressing her concerns and minimising the risk of that happening, were it to be totally innocent, not disregarding everything because she might be wrong. No? I certainly don't think she sounds unhinged.

53,000 is the number of people currently registered rather than a lifetime figure.

I agree with Foshzille

"My DDs on the other hand are very suspicious of strangers and give them short shrift. A scowl if they are lucky! That is their generation and that is how they feel about adult strangers. Sad world hay?"

No. That is how you have taught them to feel about adult strangers. If my children behaved to adult strangers like that while I was with them they would be in so much trouble their feet wouldn't touch the ground for a fortnight.

I don't blame you at all.

A friend of mine works in child protection for the police and says the general public have no idea just how widespread peadophilia is. Most of the stuff he deals with is "low level" such as downloading images but he believes there's a literally a paedo on every street.

And that recent case in Rochdale is the tip of the iceberg - there have been several other similar cases with a reporting ban on them.

Sorry Damsel, I didn't mean to sound dismissive. I guess what I was trying to say is that there was clear, indisputable evidence of Graham's mild sarcasm/cynicism in that first line. And the OP has got, what clear, indisputable evidence exactly of ill intention?! Like I said previously I think gut instinct as a phrase is sometimes overused.

Fo, I mentioned upthread that even if there were ten times the amount not registered it would still be less than 1pc of sex offenders. A hundred times less than 10pc and obviously only a proportion of those sex offences would relate to child sex offences.

Believe me I'm not dismissing it just countering the argument that they are in the majority. Because, yes while it's dangerous to ignore signals it's also potentially harmful to ignore the bigger picture.

There's a difference between whats called 'gut instinct', which is often a recognition of unusual body language signals that somebody is giving out and paranoia. For example you may see somebody coming toward you in an aggressive manner, it's not really instinct, just seeing potential danger from a persons demeanor. There's a difference between being suspicious of that and fearful of someone who happens to be male or 'different' according to our perception.

The man is the op's description wasn't doing anything unusual, suspicious or aggressive. He was a man who waited at at a bus stop for a bus, spoke to a woman and her kids on the train that he probably knew and listened to a man boast about his kids at sports day. So far, so normal. She reported him as a potential peadophile for having a 'feeling' about him doing those things rather than speaking to him and asking which kids were his at the sports day. I would question the 'instincts' of someone who can't be bothered verifying facts before spreading rumours about someone and potentially ruining an innocent persons life.

It's one thing to turn around and walk in another direction because you feel that you are walking into a dodgy situation due to anothers suspicious behaviour, quite another to make allegations about someone based on no more than a feeling.

there have been several other similar cases with a reporting ban on them

More details please? I am a former court reporter and know restrictions pretty well.

Btw, the only paedophile cases that I witnessed involved family members or internet downloading. That is purely anecdotal of course.

Ditto, Seeker.

Absolutely agree Bobbledunk.

The OP believes the man was at the school sports day on his own, with no children of his own attending the school or taking part in the sports day, I believe. Which is what she has reported.

OP can you come back and confirm this?

Considering we aren't even allowed to photograph our own children at these events I very much doubt any one off the streets is welcome to attend the event.

Seeker It is learned behaviour which they have learned from other children. Certainly not from me. However, I am fairly laissez-faire about it and I am sure they will grow out of it without any actions from me. We will just have to agree to disagree on this one.

The man is the op's description wasn't doing anything unusual, suspicious or aggressive. He was a man who waited at at a bus stop for a bus, spoke to a woman and her kids on the train that he probably knew and listened to a man boast about his kids at sports day. So far, so normal. She reported him as a potential peadophile for having a 'feeling' about him doing those things rather than speaking to him and asking which kids were his at the sports day. I would question the 'instincts' of someone who can't be bothered verifying facts before spreading rumours about someone and potentially ruining an innocent persons life.It's one thing to turn around and walk in another direction because you feel that you are walking into a dodgy situation due to anothers suspicious behaviour, quite another to make allegations about someone based on no more than a feeling

Absolutely.

If anyone off the street is welcome to attend school sports days then I would say the OP had nothing to report. However, that's not the case. OP questions whether the man has children at the school. She reported it.

Yes it is, damsel- the op said that anyone could walk in to the school grounds on sports day.

She would have known if he had children there if she had bothered to ask. She didn't.

"Seeker It is learned behaviour which they have learned from other children. Certainly not from me. However, I am fairly laissez-faire about it and I am sure they will grow out of it without any actions from me. We will just have to agree to disagree on this one."

Well, if you're happy for your children to be rude.......Personally, I'm not!

Seeker. They are never rude, quite the opposite. They give up their seats on the bus for elderly passengers and always thank the driver. Just not very smiley towards strangers.

I don't believe schools have an open house policy when it comes to inviting people into the school grounds. The gates may be open and anyone can walk in, but that's not to say that they are invited to do so.

Its hard to know how to deal with gut instincts. Are they real or prejudice and if you don't rationalize them away then others will for you.

Hindsight is also 20/20.

I read and though why didn't you ask around on the sport day but then I remembered a bus journey.

End of a long long day youngest in pushchair screaming so I was standing and sat youngest two down on a seat. Bus slowly emptied and a older man came and sat more forward behind my two. There were two older ladies in seat opposite my DC. Old man started tickling my two - they asked him to stop and tried to get up to me and as bus was in motion I told them to sit down. The old ladies were laughing along and my DC were nervously laughing but kept trying to get to me.

In hindsight I should have insisted the old man stop, moved my DC anything but give them the message it was o.k for them to be touched by a stranger when they were clearly unhappy however innocently but at time felt I was being silly and didn't want to make a fuss as clearly the other people thought it was o.k.. I did get off early but more because the youngest screaming was driving me mad.

I image the school will either know the man and dismiss the e-mail or be slightly more vigilante and aware. They may find others had concerns on the sports day but didn't like to say anything as it was to vague maybe even the male parent the man was talking to but he dismissed them - who knows. Either way they will have more idea what to do if anything than the OP.

"I don't believe schools have an open house policy when it comes to inviting people into the school grounds. The gates may be open and anyone can walk in, but that's not to say that they are invited to do so."

But there is no good reason to believe he has just walked in! The OP doesn't know he didn't have a child there, and she doesn't know that he doesn't work there. That's the point, the OP doesn't have anything to base her "gut instinct" on

Empusa, we don't know what the email the OP sent said. Maybe she was enquiring if the man had children in the school or reason to be attending a children's sports day? She does say she has made no accusations about the man but mentioned the circumstances.