To email the school re a man at the bus stop???

[JumpingThroughHoops]

Well I have emailed, so no AIBU about it really

Yesterday (Friday) 20 mins after primary school ended I saw a man at the bus stop outside the school. The bus stop usually has a large amount of teenaged girls waiting from the secondary opposite.

He was by himself indicating a bus had just been; there were no other adults or children around.

BUT. Earlier that morning the same man was at the primary sports day. He wasn't with a lady (for that read wife or partner), no reason why he should have been really, he might have been a single dad. BUT. He was chatting with another father, or rather he was listening as the other father waxed lyrical, pointing out his children and all their little friends, getting them to wave over.

Two months previous, I was on a train and he sat opposite me, with a French lady with two small girls (maybe 3 and 5). I assumed they were together, he knew their names. He carried their suitcase. I assumed the stilted conversation was because the lady didn't have English as a first language. I also assumed they were together because he was teasing one of the girls until she screamed in frustration. He was also asking lots of questions, but not in an obvious way, such as "when do you go home?" What are you doing tomorrow?" "is your Dad missing you?" - which of course I was oblivious to on the train because it was general chit chat.

See him at sports day and think it's that annoying wind up merchant again "oh, I didn't know there were little French girls at this school". There aren't any little French girls at the school and they were too young to be in the KS3 sports day anyway.

See him at the bus stop and think "hang on a min" gut instinct kicks in, something just isn't right here.

So I've emailed school with a full description, a set of circumstances and no accusations, because he wasn't actually doing anything suspiciously.

*disclaimer, I don't see a paedophile behind every tree, but I am a believer in gut instinct. I don't know why the red flags shot up when I saw him again. Probably because he was a bit of charmer, again not in an obvious way, he was just very good at ferreting out information from people.

Probably an entirely coincidental set of innocent circumstances and he is a listener rather than a talker.

Would you have emailed the school?

If paedophiles were so obvious, then sadly 'grooming techniques' wouldn't be as succesful as they are .

The 'sad loner in the neighbourhood' (hey, it's me!) is going to find it very hard to attract children.

This is how so many get away with it. My family still defend my father and condemn me for speaking out. Hell, it's even a family joke that I fucked my uncle when what happened was he raped me.

My reality is not theirs. Just like the OPs reality is being denied and condemned. She did what she believed to be right and I can't fault her for that.

I don't know. I'm uncomfortable with the idea that someone can raise their suspicions and be slapped down for it. Challenging the grounds for those suspicions are constructive, suggesting alternative ways to deal with those suspicions are constructive, but telling someone that by even having suspicions they are in the wrong and stand no chance of being believed doesn't send out the right messages. I'm just uncomfortable with the tone of some of the responses on this thread.

surely would be fairly pointless to try and groom someone who was in the area for a short time on holiday, unless he was a very fast worker and mother was completely clueless

People don't share the same gut instincts. What one person perceives as 'dodgy' , another will perceive as totally normal. If we all followed every gut instinct we have, we'd be reporting people left right and centre. Which would actually make it easier for people who genuinely are dodgy, to get away with it.
Totally flawed argument on every level damsel

Rxactly tinkerbel. Far more useful to teache children how to be assertive and how to yell REALLy LOUDLY if someone does something they don't like. Because one day they might meet a very charming paedophile who is the dad of their best friend, and not have any Gut Instincts....

You did the right thing op, he may be a harmless grandad/parent/uncle but he could be peadophile.
Sending the email will do no harm if he is an innocent member of society but if he is not he will be found out.
Its a no lose situation

Foshizzle (like the name btw), I don't think anybody said she was wrong for having suspicions?! FWIW I probably would have thought, eh, that's a bit weird, there's that guy again, I wonder what his connection is and my hackles would have been raised slightly. I'd have probably (partly because I'm a nosy bugger) tried to find out a bit more about him.

However the question the OP asked (and she did ask!) was whether she should have emailed the school and many people are saying she shouldn't have. That is all, unless I have missed something. Obviously there are wider discussions about gut instinct as others have brought it up.

Damsel, I am truly sorry for what you went through and what you're still going through, your family sound horrific. Can I just say though, and I hope I am not being insensitive, that I personally don't think the OP's reality is yours either, they are very different circumstances. I genuinely hope you find some peace with this :(

pumpkin explain how he could be 'found out'?

I find it strange how people believe paedophiles are the minority. From my up bringing, they were the majority of men my family knew and were related too, and we were passed around like a plate of party snacks! None of them have ever been convicted and they too have their supporters.

So based on my life experience, I'm saying the OP did the right thing. I don't know what her life experience has been, but that to could contribute to why she found the man to be a bit off and reported him. She did what she believes is the right thing.

I do not believe her actions were malicious but rather that of concern.

Pumpkin, the email, without all the qualifying details, could leak. Sorry, but it could.

Anyone-im sure the school will look into it and if they see a strange man at school events that is found unrelated/known to anyone at the school they will ask him to leave

Damsel :( That is a terrible thing to have grown up with, you were clearly a victim of a paedophile gang, these aren't the majority of society at all.

I don't believe she was being malicious either, just acting too hastily on not enough.

I don't believe that paedophile are the 'minority' -sadly the work I do probably makes me more cynical than most. However, I believe that most of them operate within family structures.
And that emailing suspicions about complete strangers can be devastating.

Gibbous are you saying no one should be investigated/looked into at all because no system is not fallible. Even police investigations could be leaked, but it doesn't stop the police investigating their concerns. So why should the threat of a leaked email stop the OP from reporting her concerns to the school?

My argument for her not emailing was not based on the possibility of a leak, that was specifically in answer to other posters saying no harm could be done. My argument was that her gut instinct in this case was not tempered by rationality in deciding her course of action.

And no of course I'm not saying no investigations should ever be carried out!

You did the right thing op, he may be a harmless grandad/parent/uncle but he could be peadophile.
Sending the email will do no harm if he is an innocent member of society but if he is not he will be found out.
Its a no lose situation

But on that basis everyone in society could be something, anything.

Have we really reached the stage where the presumption is all members of society are offenders until vetting proves otherwise?

Even when I escaped from my family abusers identified me as a victim. It was a vicious circle I had to learn to break.

We don't know what sent the OPs gut going crazy over this man, but something did and she reported him. I really don't see that as the wrong thing to do.

There are a lot of child sex offenders and child abuse offenders around, though.

I think that most people would be shocked at the lack of sentencing and sometimes action that is taken against offenders.

They do target vulnerable parents, hoping to get to children and there is nothing wrong with being cautious.

I was on another thread talking an OP through her concerns over her sister. There was a lightbulb moment when i was explaining that women can be abusers (of any type) because she had been befriended by a woman who had pushed her way into the family and everyone had a 'gut' feeling about her.

Yup fair point actually Gibbous - this is an AIBU on a specific action. And many posters have answered the AIBU in a constructive fashion.

There has, however, been some ridicule (and I don't think I'm overstating it by calling it that) of the OP's grounds for raising her antennae. She's pretty much saying what you said I guess - she kept seeing him around and couldn't see a context. Seems like the best course of action - as suggested by you and a couple of other posters - would have been to engage him and find out more. It's the ridicule I am not comfortable with - and I think this is the wrong subject to introduce ridicule to.

Oh, for crying out loud- people are not saying the majority of men are pedophiles are they? This thread has gone completely insane.

I agree though the police, rather than emailing the school, would have been better.

Sparks- the thing is there are a lot of peadophiles amongst society so you have to be on guard.
There was a case in my area of an old man trying to snatch boys in a red car, all schools were alerted and parents told not to let children out alone