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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To email the school re a man at the bus stop???

999 replies

JumpingThroughHoops · 30/06/2012 18:38

Well I have emailed, so no AIBU about it really Grin

Yesterday (Friday) 20 mins after primary school ended I saw a man at the bus stop outside the school. The bus stop usually has a large amount of teenaged girls waiting from the secondary opposite.

He was by himself indicating a bus had just been; there were no other adults or children around.

BUT. Earlier that morning the same man was at the primary sports day. He wasn't with a lady (for that read wife or partner), no reason why he should have been really, he might have been a single dad. BUT. He was chatting with another father, or rather he was listening as the other father waxed lyrical, pointing out his children and all their little friends, getting them to wave over.

Two months previous, I was on a train and he sat opposite me, with a French lady with two small girls (maybe 3 and 5). I assumed they were together, he knew their names. He carried their suitcase. I assumed the stilted conversation was because the lady didn't have English as a first language. I also assumed they were together because he was teasing one of the girls until she screamed in frustration. He was also asking lots of questions, but not in an obvious way, such as "when do you go home?" What are you doing tomorrow?" "is your Dad missing you?" - which of course I was oblivious to on the train because it was general chit chat.

See him at sports day and think it's that annoying wind up merchant again "oh, I didn't know there were little French girls at this school". There aren't any little French girls at the school and they were too young to be in the KS3 sports day anyway.

See him at the bus stop and think "hang on a min" gut instinct kicks in, something just isn't right here.

So I've emailed school with a full description, a set of circumstances and no accusations, because he wasn't actually doing anything suspiciously.

*disclaimer, I don't see a paedophile behind every tree, but I am a believer in gut instinct. I don't know why the red flags shot up when I saw him again. Probably because he was a bit of charmer, again not in an obvious way, he was just very good at ferreting out information from people.

Probably an entirely coincidental set of innocent circumstances and he is a listener rather than a talker.

Would you have emailed the school?

OP posts:
Cherriesarelovely · 30/06/2012 23:42

I suppose I am saying that depending on people's experiences they veiw the world differently. Yes I do have a father and brothers and yes they have told me that they are aware of the scrutiny that they are subjected to if they are picking up the kids or at a school event. I am also a teacher myself and have male teacher friends who feel very concerned about wrongful accusations. It must be horrific I agree, but that does not mean it is NEVER right to avoid someone.

I am NOT AT ALL a paranoid person who accuses every second man of being a peaedophile but I do think it is important for anyone, male or female to avoid being around someone who makes them feel uncomfortable in this way. What would you say to a child who voiced this to you, "mum, I don't like being around xxxx, he/she makes me feel funny and uncomfortable" "don't be so rude and judgemental, he/she is a very nice person it's just their way"????????

Gibbous · 30/06/2012 23:44

I'd ask them why and delve deeper because it would be absolutely imperative to know of anything genuinely sinister.

SoleSource · 30/06/2012 23:47

ginhag missed a bus Grin

LemarchandsBox · 30/06/2012 23:50

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

HolyCameraConfusionBatman · 30/06/2012 23:52

Cherries We're not talking about avoiding someone here. The OP didn't 'avoid' this man. She sent an email (that could be read by any number of people) to the school saying that he had been behaving, in her opinion, in a suspicious way, and then described him in great detail.

Of course you should tell your DD to tell you when she is upset or uncomfortable in someone's company. This is not the same.

Look how quickly information breaks down. The OP said she thinks, maybe he didn't know the people on the train. The next thing you're saying 'I would never chat with people on the train I didn't know'. Can you see how that information has changed; she thinks maybe, all of a sudden you know he didn't. That's written down, imagine how it will change and develop by word of mouth.

Imagine you're on a train and someone you don't know takes your suitcase, questions your DD's and teases them to the point one of them cries and you just sit there and let it happen. You honestly think the most likely explanation is that he didn't know them?

ginhag · 30/06/2012 23:55

Well I do that a lot!

Cherriesarelovely · 30/06/2012 23:56

I'm sure none of you would, it was what was said to me word for word. Anyway, it is not a simple thing and it is not all about me. I think it must be absolutely horrendous to be falsely accused of something like this, I'm not saying it is right, and perhaps in this case the man was perfectly innocent I suppose I am arguing against denying that "gut feeling" is something to be wary of. Not a reason to make an accusation maybe but IMO a reason to perhaps voice a concern or avoid that person if possible.

Gibbous · 30/06/2012 23:58

I'm just stumped by the idea of there only being two extremes when a clearly happy medium is taking reasonable concerns seriously while not jumping to (and acting upon) conclusions about normal behaviour.

Gibbous · 30/06/2012 23:59

Sorry Cherries, we crossed my post wasn't related to your last post, just a general thread observation.

Janni · 01/07/2012 00:01

Rather than reporting someone because their demeanour made me uncomfortable, I'd be inclined to stand at the bus stop and engage them in actual conversation so that I could get a better sense of whether my suspicions stood up to any actual scrutiny. Otherwise this is just another case of 'guilty of being male'.

LemarchandsBox · 01/07/2012 00:03

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LurkingAndLearningForNow · 01/07/2012 00:04
Shock

YABU!! Just..Wow. I'm so shocked. Men can be near children without having sick perversions. You don't know he wasn't a parent/uncle/guardian/grandparent/babysitter. Poor man.

lovebunny · 01/07/2012 00:04

Rather than reporting someone because their demeanour made me uncomfortable, I'd be inclined to stand at the bus stop and engage them in actual conversation
not a good idea if he is a person of ill-intent.

Empusa · 01/07/2012 00:31

"What would you say to a child who voiced this to you, "mum, I don't like being around xxxx, he/she makes me feel funny and uncomfortable" "don't be so rude and judgemental, he/she is a very nice person it's just their way"?"

But that's not what this thread is about Confused

Janni · 01/07/2012 00:32

And if you suspect a man of ill intent, with no evidence other than gut instinct, it's OK to email the school about them? I disagree.

minimisschief · 01/07/2012 00:47

you are an utter loon tbh

he was at a sorts day without a lady so he shouldnt have been there? what sort of odd thought process is that. if he isnt wit a woman hes a peado.

sat at a bus stop and again a peado

talking to a french woman who you say he knew and because he wasnt the womans partner he is again a peado.

emailing the school about this poor bloke was completely uneccessary as he has done nothing wrong in the slightest yet silly accusations like this can ruin peoples lives.

pat yourself on the back

LurkingAndLearningForNow · 01/07/2012 00:51

The school is likely to view you as a 'problem parent' now, be aware of that.

quoteunquote · 01/07/2012 00:52

If you or your OH has a brother, that is the person most likely to abuse your child.

LemarchandsBox · 01/07/2012 00:56

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LurkingAndLearningForNow · 01/07/2012 00:59

It's true. Almost all abuse is by trusted people.

In my course we're learning how we have to rectify the disastrous 'Stranger Danger' movement when we gain our titles.

quoteunquote · 01/07/2012 01:13

nope, uncles lead the way in sexual abuse of children.

ShellyBoobs · 01/07/2012 01:30

YABVVU.

I honestly can't believe someone would email a school on these grounds.

All this talk of 'alarm bells' and paedo-detecting dogs. It doesn't bode well for men in our society. Sad

Can't be long now until another paediatrician is hounded out of their home by a gang of vigilantes with limited spelling ability.

Hopefullyrecovering · 01/07/2012 01:42

So, imagine if you will, a chap called Simon. He is middle-aged and sadly divorced with no children, but he'd like to have children and has an open and friendly disposition.

He misses a bus by a whisker, and stands at the bus-stop waiting for another bus. Earlier that morning, he'd been at a primary sports day with his brother, supporting his nieces and nephews. A couple of months previously, he'd been on a train with a French friend-of-a-friend.

On the strength of these three encounters, someone reports him to the school.

You're mental, OP.

ComposHat · 01/07/2012 02:05

As a male who has worked with vulnerable young people for a good proportion of my working life, something like this would be my worst nightmare. Making serious and utterly unsubstantiated accusations based on nothing other than your 'gut' instincts is dangerous and idiotic.

Imagine this bloke about whom you have not a shred of proof is up to anything wrong is a Doctor , a nurse, a teacher or a social worker? It could potentially wreck his career, over some half baked notion.

EllenParsons · 01/07/2012 04:41

OP you sound unhinged. I don't even get why any of this is suspicious.

Waiting at the bus stop - someone has to be the first one there, I often stand at a bus stop on my own, nothing weird about it.

Sports day, could be attending to see his kids even if he hasn't pointed out which they are while you were watching, or could be there for nieces, nephews etc, lack of visible partner doesn't mean he is a paedo.

On the train, he was talking to someone he seems to know who has children, again a perfectly normal thing to do...

I don't get it Confused

Your email makes your concern about as clear as mud too tbh, the school will be thinking "what the...."