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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to be offended because DH didn't introduce him to his colleagues?

103 replies

Broodzilla · 27/06/2012 16:55

First ever AIBU, but figured this was as good an occasion as any to test the waters...

My DH is a chef and has been at his current job for about 10 months. Today, for the first time, I went there. I was with our DCs (toddler and newborn) and my DM. DM has been there before, I was curious and DC1 was really excited to see where his Daddy goes every day.

DH saw me as I was waiting to pay. I had a very quick chat, only because I asked if it was OK to take an extra plate for DC1 and give him some of my meal. (This to me is a conversation he might be expected to have with any paying customer...) He said it was fine, said portions are quite big anyway, and went back in the kitchen after waving to DS and DM.

I paid (full price) and went to join the others. We ate, had coffee and left. All in all, we spent 50 minutes there.

DC1 kept asking where his Daddy was, I kept explaining that he was probably busy but would come and say hi in a bit... Only he never did. I texted him to say thanks and bye.

I realize that I shouldn't have promised a toddler something I have no control over, and was sorry he was disappointed.

However, I personally feel hurt that DH didn't introduce us to the people he works with. I didn't expect him to take time to sit down and chat to us, but would've thought that he'd at least just tell the other staff that his family has popped in. Quick hello, no red carpets.

I feel like he's embarrassed by me. He says that I have issues and it's unreasonable to think he should introduce us during a busy work day.

So, MN... AIBU?

OP posts:
Magneto · 27/06/2012 16:57

Have you ever worked with a chef? Busy is an understatement (and the only one I ever worked with was in a retirement home! Can't imagine how hectic it would be in a restaurant). YABU.

CrikeyOHare · 27/06/2012 16:58

He was busy and, probably, so were his colleagues. I bet he'd have pissed everybody off no end if he'd dragged them all away from what they were doing to come and say hello to you.

Restaurants can be manically busy places behind the scenes. YABU, I reckon. Sorry.

Magneto · 27/06/2012 16:58

I mean he worked in a retirement home, he wasn't physically in one himself Hmm

mirry2 · 27/06/2012 16:58

I think you are bu. he was in his work environment and probably never talks about his home life. I wouldn't want my dh and dd to turn up unexpectedly at my place of work and expect to be introduced to everyone.

Original poster
Broodzilla · 27/06/2012 16:58

*us, obviously... Not introduce him...

OP posts:
Cuddler · 27/06/2012 17:00

hmmm i dont think YABU for being a bit dissapointed,but ive worked in restauraunts before and the chefs really are mega busy!and if hes not head chef then maybe he wasnt allowed or didnt want to ask,esp if hes just started?Also did you ask him if he could come and see the kids before you went,or while you were there?Men arent mind readers!

Original poster
Broodzilla · 27/06/2012 17:01

didn't expect the replies to be so quick, sorry! I have worked in restaurants myself, and I didn't just land on him, I texted in advance to ask if it was ok to come so he knew we'd be there. (Also, I got him the job, but suppose that's irrelevant)

OP posts:
squeakytoy · 27/06/2012 17:01

He was at work, doing his job. Of course you are being unreasonable and unfair to expect him to stop work (in a busy kitchen!) to come out and chat or introduce the other people who were also working to your child.

diddl · 27/06/2012 17:01

Did you want to go into the kitchen or have them troop out to meet you your Majesty?Grin

YABU

SoleSource · 27/06/2012 17:03

I think your DH was busy at work. Nothing else in that, today at least. Pewrhaps your DH prefers to keep his homelife separate/private from his worklife, no matter how busy he is.

How often have you felt your DH is embarrassed of you in the past?
Have you felt the same way about other people?

SoleSource · 27/06/2012 17:05

I meant to ask, How often have you felt that people have been embarrassed by your presence etc? Is this a regular occurence?

longjane · 27/06/2012 17:14

I think really to time to go when they are not busy
or
at the end of service /shift when very one has a bit more time

Original poster
Broodzilla · 27/06/2012 17:20

oh, and they do talk socially (I know this because I was just told one of the other chef's wife is 1cm dilated...)

OP posts:
WarriorQueen · 27/06/2012 17:26

YANBU this would really piss me off.
I have worked in catering ad know how busy it can get BUT if my family ever came in I always made time to go over and check everything was ok I think that is just being polite.

Original poster
Broodzilla · 27/06/2012 17:31

Erm, it's not that I expected him to drop everything and get everyone to stop what they're doing... It's the fact that in 50 minutes he didn't come and say hi to his son (I could've easily explained why Daddy couldn't stay for long) it's just the complete blank that I found strange. For example, when I had the brief chat with him, two other staff members were just a few feet away. I honestly thought he might have mentioned to them who we were as we were right there. For him to not say anything made me feel like he didn't want them to know who we are iyswim? We were right there, they served us...

OP posts:
WarriorQueen · 27/06/2012 17:33

hmmm is there something else underlying to this? You sound very upset by it. Do you feel as though he does not pay you enough attention at other times?

Original poster
Broodzilla · 27/06/2012 17:41

and no, I don't generally feel people around me are embarrassed to be seen with me. DH, sometimes yes. Especially if he doesn't tell people who I am. I'm not a mind reader, perhaps he isn't embarrassed, I just find the behaviour strange and thought it the most obvious explanation.
I guess the word I should've used was acknowledged? Because he didn't acknowledge us as family (or indeed anyone he's met before).

OP posts:
Original poster
Broodzilla · 27/06/2012 17:45

and no, I don't generally feel people around me are embarrassed to be seen with me. DH, sometimes yes. Especially if he doesn't tell people who I am. I'm not a mind reader, perhaps he isn't embarrassed, I just find the behaviour strange and thought it the most obvious explanation.
I guess the word I should've used was acknowledged? Because he didn't acknowledge us as family (or indeed anyone he's met before).

OP posts:
NutmegKate · 27/06/2012 17:45

Not sure on this one tbh. My dh was a chef - retired now - and he would have come out to chat if it was at all possible.

He probably wouldn't have introduced his colleagues though unless the restaurant was empty.

Original poster
Broodzilla · 27/06/2012 17:49

and no, I don't generally feel people around me are embarrassed to be seen with me. DH, sometimes yes. Especially if he doesn't tell people who I am. I'm not a mind reader, perhaps he isn't embarrassed, I just find the behaviour strange and thought it the most obvious explanation.
I guess the word I should've used was acknowledged? Because he didn't acknowledge us as family (or indeed anyone he's met before).

OP posts:
Original poster
Broodzilla · 27/06/2012 17:52

sorry, I don't know why my latest message keeps re-posting!
So I guess the general consensus is that I am, indeed, being unreasonable.
Thank you for your thoughts and comments. I am feeling really hurt by it, but I gather DH is right then.

OP posts:
WarriorQueen · 27/06/2012 17:54

hold on... if you are feeling hurt by this then you need to talk to him about it. I get the feeling from your posts that this might run slightly deeper. Are things ok between him and you normally?

Dprince · 27/06/2012 17:58

Dh owns the restaurant he works in. As someone who runs th business with him, I think yabu.
He is at at work. My main job is in an office I would expect dh to drop by and me be able to say hi to the kids. Its work. I can also imagine his manager wouldn't be too impressed if he did. Chefs are always busy. There is always something to do. I don't get people who do this Tbh. I go to our restaurant to eat and rarely see dh. I also pay full price despite technically owning half the business. I don't really get why you mentioned that.
Unless there are other reasons yabu to expect to up at his work and expect him to be able to come and speak to you.

Anypointinseeingdoc · 27/06/2012 17:59

I've never met any of husband's colleagues and he has been in the same job for 11 years.

There must be a bit more to it for you to be feeling so hurt by it?

TheEnthusiasticTroll · 27/06/2012 18:02

how long has he worked there? that may mke a difference in how relaxed or natural he felt in being able to come out and chat etc, he may have been unsure about how his employer views this.

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