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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to be offended because DH didn't introduce him to his colleagues?

103 replies

Broodzilla · 27/06/2012 16:55

First ever AIBU, but figured this was as good an occasion as any to test the waters...

My DH is a chef and has been at his current job for about 10 months. Today, for the first time, I went there. I was with our DCs (toddler and newborn) and my DM. DM has been there before, I was curious and DC1 was really excited to see where his Daddy goes every day.

DH saw me as I was waiting to pay. I had a very quick chat, only because I asked if it was OK to take an extra plate for DC1 and give him some of my meal. (This to me is a conversation he might be expected to have with any paying customer...) He said it was fine, said portions are quite big anyway, and went back in the kitchen after waving to DS and DM.

I paid (full price) and went to join the others. We ate, had coffee and left. All in all, we spent 50 minutes there.

DC1 kept asking where his Daddy was, I kept explaining that he was probably busy but would come and say hi in a bit... Only he never did. I texted him to say thanks and bye.

I realize that I shouldn't have promised a toddler something I have no control over, and was sorry he was disappointed.

However, I personally feel hurt that DH didn't introduce us to the people he works with. I didn't expect him to take time to sit down and chat to us, but would've thought that he'd at least just tell the other staff that his family has popped in. Quick hello, no red carpets.

I feel like he's embarrassed by me. He says that I have issues and it's unreasonable to think he should introduce us during a busy work day.

So, MN... AIBU?

OP posts:
ilovesooty · 27/06/2012 19:07

It's not a question of unkindness, more a question of whether it is appropriate

I agree absolutely. The other thing that occurs to me is that if he's been there 10 months he might be nearing the end of his probationary period. If so he wouldn't want to put a foot wrong.

McHappyPants2012 · 27/06/2012 19:14

I would be pissed right off if dh came into my works for a visit.

When in work I am always busy, I have no time for idle chit chat.

Original poster
Broodzilla · 27/06/2012 19:14

I'm starting to feel like I'm drip-feeding... I didn't track him down, he'd popped out of the kitchen with some food just as I was standing there getting plates... He was the nearest member of staff. It's not a restaurant with table service, chefs are in and out of the kitchen...in fact, a few minutes later when I went to get a spoon for DS I bumped into another one of the chefs. I understand the concept might seem weird (we're not in the UK)but it is very informal. Think Wagamama/sushi bar/something like that. It's not a buffet but there are only a handful of courses.

OP posts:
squeakytoy · 27/06/2012 19:18

So he had popped out of the kitchen WITH some food.. he was busy!

Original poster
Broodzilla · 27/06/2012 19:26

but McHappy, doesn't that depend on where you work? My last job was in an office building where we had security and members of staff had to swipe id cards to get in and out of floors let alone the building... If anyone had wanted to pop in for a chat I'd have been wondering what planet they were on... But DH works in a restaurant, we went there to eat. That's surely not the same?!

(Imagine you're walking down the road with your colleague. You pass a postman, out on deliveries. He's in uniform so you know he's working, but you ask for directions. He stops, gives you directions. Later you find out he's married to your colleague.)

oh I don't know... I guess all that really matters is I need to suck it up and eat somewhere else.

OP posts:
ilovesooty · 27/06/2012 19:29

DH works in a restaurant, we went there to eat

When you went there to eat you were customers and I think it's entirely reasonable that he treated you as such.

McHappyPants2012 · 27/06/2012 19:31

I work in a hospital do dh can come in anytime.

If I was outside work and bumped into someone from work I would do introduction.

Mindyourownbusiness · 27/06/2012 19:36

Are you my sister ? She always wants to show even complete strangers at our engagement party Blush and Hmm pictures of her DCs. She seems to be under the delusion that everybody is interested and impressed by their beauty/cuteness/clever for their ageness/potty training achievements and so on and so forth.

IME no-one is remotely interested in a work colleagues wife/children etc however impressive they are. Unless of course they are related or are good friends outside work. I honestly don't get why this is important to you/her. I'm sorry but it just smacks of attention seeking and l dont really believe it is just about your son being disappointed - it seems more important to you to be 'proudly introduced'.

I think you need to have a little more self esteem and know who you are and like that person without having to have recognition from others.

Then it wouldnt matter a jot to you whether strangers liked you/knew who you were/got introduced to you.

squeakytoy · 27/06/2012 19:38

"Imagine you're walking down the road with your colleague. You pass a postman, out on deliveries. He's in uniform so you know he's working, but you ask for directions. He stops, gives you directions. Later you find out he's married to your colleague"

That is a completely different scenario. A postman is not likely to be in the middle of cooking something, or be being watched by managers.

WenTheEternallySurprised · 27/06/2012 19:42

Anyway, why would your DH's colleagues need to know who you are?

McHappyPants2012 · 27/06/2012 19:46

I bet he uses alot of sharp knives cooks multiple dishes and needs to keep focused. Having family and friends in is a distraction.

I bet it wasnt personal

anklebitersmum · 27/06/2012 19:49

I don't know if I'm interpreting this right but I think I get where the upset's coming from. Not so much the lack of a fanfare, confetti and an excited
"Look look , it's my wife and family everyone come say hello"
but more the 'just a customer' attitude she got.

If I popped in to my DH's work and he basically talked to me like I was some stranger he was giving directions to (especially if I had the nippers with me and had rung/text in advance) I'd have a pair of sulky knickers on too.

If I'm wrong then please do correct me OP :o

Mindyourownbusiness · 27/06/2012 19:51

But the postman analogy doesnt really work though does it ? Because you werent with a colleague(s) - your DH was and in his place of work. So l doubt if my/your DH was a postman and we bumped into him with another postman talking to him or near him that would warrant an introduction. More likely when we walked away there might be a 'Oh is that the Mrs ?' type of comment much cheekier version possibly at my DHs work cos he's a builder Grin. There only might be an introduction if the three of you engaged in a proper 'stopping and talking' conversation as in 'Oh this is the wife btw'. But during a quick wave/acknowledgement or work related question on seeing or bumping into your spouse 'at work' l wouldnt always expect that.

Original poster
Broodzilla · 27/06/2012 19:53

Ok, postman is perhaps a rubbish example but working in a hospital - while it may be possible for any member of the public to walk in - you'd generally not pop into a hospital because you're passing surely?

Unless people actually think it was strange that we went in the first place? Should I have NOT gone to eat there, because DH works there? (I was feeling bad for not having been before, despite him having worked there for nealy a year, and most people we know frequenting the place!)

If that's the case, then I clearly am BU and put everyone in a bizarre situation right from the start.

I fail to see how it could possibly be attention seeking, I already said I wasn't expecting everyone to march out of the kitchen... As in the supermarket example, if your son was stacking shelves with another member of staff and you had to ask him to help you reach something, you'd only want him to hand it to you but in no way let on that you're his DM? (Actually, I'd perhaps get that one, as teenagers tend to find their parents a bit embarrassing.... But then it just proves why I felt like I did in the first place)

anyhow, I am just digging deeper.

OP posts:
Mindyourownbusiness · 27/06/2012 19:55

sorry squeaky x posts.

Original poster
Broodzilla · 27/06/2012 19:57

Anklebiter - you hit the nail on the head. Thank you for managing to explain in a few sentances what I've failed in a ridiculous amount of posts!

OP posts:
anklebitersmum · 27/06/2012 20:04

Broodzilla, in that case you are not being unreasonable.
As I said, I'd be sulky and 'a bit put out' too, especially when you add DC's into the mix.

UnrequitedSkink · 27/06/2012 20:04

Nah. I'm on your side.

Pandemoniaa · 27/06/2012 20:06

Ds2 is 29 and has gone through the embarassed teenager phase and come out the other side! But for all that, I don't expect an automatic introduction to his colleagues because he's got a shop to manage and his workmates are equally busy.

Your dh may have been very busy too.

Mindyourownbusiness · 27/06/2012 20:09

Sorry maybe attention seeking was a little harsh. What l am trying to get across is you shouldnt need validation from others - especially complete strangers. But some people (like my sister for example) do constantly court this validation/approval/recognition - whatever - whether it be for them or indirectly through their children. I wasnt suggesting you going to eat there (in a restaurant after all) in itself was attention seeking behaviour but rather the importance you placed on being introduced etc.

Shullbit · 27/06/2012 20:15

I wouldn't say you was being unreasonable for going there to eat, if you enjoy the food. If my DP worked in a kitchen and I enjoyed the food, I wouldn't just avoid that place because he worked there.

What would be unreasonable (not that I am saying you're guilty of) would be going there for the fact that DP works there, be that if you want to chat, spy, get a discount etc.

Original poster
Broodzilla · 27/06/2012 20:17

Fair play MYOB... and I guess posting on here is case and point...
I still feel upset and hurt but am beginning to see that the way I feel is the way I feel, not because x causes y.

OP posts:
takingiteasy · 27/06/2012 20:18

My dh has worked on numerous building sites over the years. Sometimes I've picked him up or dropped things off. He's never really introduced me to anyone unless they've came over whilst we were chatting or something like that. He used to have men working for him and I was never introduced.

He would however sweep ds out of the car and show him off to clients!

Earthymama · 27/06/2012 20:21

I would have been hurt too!
Wouldn't have hurt him to say, oh this is my family, I wish I could stay, xx
Then you would have felt that little glow!!

DP used to do this, note I say 'used to'!!

Mindyourownbusiness · 27/06/2012 20:31

Good Brodzilla that's a start but you still need to work on your 'fuck what other people think' mentality Grin.

takingiteasy these builder types eh ! You no doubt got the odd 'you lucky bastard' or 'nice arse' though once out of earshot Grin

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