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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to be offended because DH didn't introduce him to his colleagues?

103 replies

Broodzilla · 27/06/2012 16:55

First ever AIBU, but figured this was as good an occasion as any to test the waters...

My DH is a chef and has been at his current job for about 10 months. Today, for the first time, I went there. I was with our DCs (toddler and newborn) and my DM. DM has been there before, I was curious and DC1 was really excited to see where his Daddy goes every day.

DH saw me as I was waiting to pay. I had a very quick chat, only because I asked if it was OK to take an extra plate for DC1 and give him some of my meal. (This to me is a conversation he might be expected to have with any paying customer...) He said it was fine, said portions are quite big anyway, and went back in the kitchen after waving to DS and DM.

I paid (full price) and went to join the others. We ate, had coffee and left. All in all, we spent 50 minutes there.

DC1 kept asking where his Daddy was, I kept explaining that he was probably busy but would come and say hi in a bit... Only he never did. I texted him to say thanks and bye.

I realize that I shouldn't have promised a toddler something I have no control over, and was sorry he was disappointed.

However, I personally feel hurt that DH didn't introduce us to the people he works with. I didn't expect him to take time to sit down and chat to us, but would've thought that he'd at least just tell the other staff that his family has popped in. Quick hello, no red carpets.

I feel like he's embarrassed by me. He says that I have issues and it's unreasonable to think he should introduce us during a busy work day.

So, MN... AIBU?

OP posts:

Salmotrutta · 27/06/2012 18:07

Is there any possibility that he may have been worried that his boss/other staff would think you were angling for a discount or special treatment etc.?

He may have been concerned that it would look that way? Possibly?

Plus, having been a waitress in very busy restaurants in my yoof, during holidays, most chefs barely had time to wipe their noses, far less stand around chatting or introducing people.
And Head Chefs were often very bad-tempered people who would tear strips off you if you weren't moving fast enough.

Original poster

Broodzilla · 27/06/2012 18:13

OK, I see I'm not explaining this very well... (on my phone, DCs keep interrupting :) )
had he been flat out in the kitchen and just vaguely aware that we'd perhaps pop in, I might not have cared so much. What upset me is that he (for want of a better word) interacted with me, with a couple of other staff members present, within earshot, and didn't in any way acknowledge us as anyone he knew.
He's been there for 10 months.

OP posts:

FizzyLaces · 27/06/2012 18:21

OP, I'd maybe be pissed off if he was rude/offhand.

Work/family are so separate for some people, maybe he wants to keep it that way. I feel a bit like that TBH.

And his boss might be a dick - well known fact that once they have their whites on chefs are bastards.

Do you miss work and want a slice of the action?

Original poster

Broodzilla · 27/06/2012 18:23

(that's why I mentioned the full-price bit... Because I didn't march in and make a big deal about wanting a discount "because I'm the chef's wife"... I'm not that kind of a person and I wouldn't want to make DH or the other member of staff to feel put on the spot.

But I mentioned it because he was talking to me about the plates with someone else right there about to take payment. As they both were duty-bound to have some sort of a conversation with me, I just thought it would've warranted a quick "btw, this is my family". That takes approximately five seconds.

OP posts:

ENormaSnob · 27/06/2012 18:23

Yabu

Dh once dropped something off for me at work, I said thanks to him and that's about it. Anything else would've looked unprofessional IMO.

squeakytoy · 27/06/2012 18:24

You are really massively blowing this out of proportion.

Shullbit · 27/06/2012 18:25

Maybe he just didn't think, because he was so busy?

DP has been working in the same job for 5 years, and I have never once met anyone from his workplace. I don't think that in itself is odd/strange.

Why don't you arrange to go when he is on a break, so then he can talk/introduce you to others without the worry of the boss watching and moaning.

WarriorQueen · 27/06/2012 18:25

I don't think she is blowing it out of proportion. to me it just seems like good manners

ilovesooty · 27/06/2012 18:26

YABU. He was working and I don't think it looks professional to start introducing your family at work.

Salmotrutta · 27/06/2012 18:30

I know you mentioned paying the full price - but maybe he was worried in case the other staff would think he expected you to get a discount if he introduced you?
I think he was probably just very busy and didn't want to be accused of lollygagging or looking like he was expecting a discount for you.

Lots of people don't like family "dropping in" to their place of owrk - thankfully my work isn't really somewhere DH would ever "drop in" to!
Or me to his workplace either.

Salmotrutta · 27/06/2012 18:32

If he'd introduced you as you were about to hand over payment it could have looked like he was hinting at a discount maybe?

Or am I overthinking this?

WenTheEternallySurprised · 27/06/2012 18:33

YABU. You also sound a bit, I don't know, clingy? Insecure?

"well known fact that once they have their whites on chefs are bastards."

I'm at that, Fizzy. IGoing by the chef I once lived with, it's oh so true!

HecateHarshPants · 27/06/2012 18:33

Actually, I'd be hurt. It wouldn't have taken 10 seconds to turn to the people who were standing right there next to him and say "This is X, my wife and our son Y" a very little thing.

Was he talking to you like you were a stranger? Nothing in the communication that would indicate a relationship, or that you knew each other? No "honey" or "see you later, love" or anything? from you or him?

I do find that odd and I would have been upset by it, even if it is considered irrational

WarriorQueen · 27/06/2012 18:36

thank god someone else agrees with me hecate

HecateHarshPants · 27/06/2012 18:37

Yeah, but we're both going to get a kicking, you know that, don't you?

UnrequitedSkink · 27/06/2012 18:38

I agree, I'd be hurt. 20 seconds to mention that he knew you to his colleagues while standing right next to you and them wouldn't have killed him.

squeakytoy · 27/06/2012 18:39

Most premises dont expect the chefs to be out of the kitchen, even less so going over to chat to customers, no matter who they are.

He waved, so he didnt ignore them.

It may have only taken a second to introduce people, but if you make an introduction, the other person then feels obliged to make a bit of small talk, and if it is busy, again that isnt always possible.

WarriorQueen · 27/06/2012 18:40

I can take it

HecateHarshPants · 27/06/2012 18:40

good. You can stand in front of me then.

Shullbit · 27/06/2012 18:43

Going by what he said, with regards to it having been a busy day, if you want to be introduced, put it to him about going in on his break and if he is set against it, then I would be hurt and questioning why.

Shullbit · 27/06/2012 18:44

(Oh, and I would be kicking off and definitely more hurt about his comment about me having issues if that was me)

Original poster

Broodzilla · 27/06/2012 18:45

Hecate and Warrior... While I understand that I will of course agree with the point of view of anyone who finds me reasonable :) I just breathed a double sigh of relief because I was staring to wonder if I'm not only unreasonable but "clingy and insecure"...

Because exactly - he was talking to me like he would to a stranger. Nothing at all to indicate he even knew me.

So thank you :) (and to all the others, I can count, and I can see this is very much slapping some sense leaning towards me BU.

OP posts:

OutragedAtThePriceOfFreddos · 27/06/2012 18:46

I don't think he was duty bound to talk to you, and I think you need to think about that bit of it because that's adding to your hurt. Chefs tend to be duty bound not to talk to the customers in most restaurants because they are so busy and talking to customers is the waiters and waitresses job.

You are upset because your ds was dissapointed, so it is entirely understandable that you are feeling worse over this than you normally would. We all take our dc's dissapointment worse than our own. But you need to put it into perspective and understand that your dh didn't do anything drastically wrong even if it feels like it.

Dprince · 27/06/2012 19:02

Maybe he felt awkward. You came up and asked a question a customer would. Randomly turning round and announcing you are is wife, imo, would have been a bit weird. Especially since the staff were in earshot, not directly involved in the conversation. Also why did you go and ask him ig it was ok to share a plate. Why not ask the waiting staff? He may have felt you were trying to draw him into a conversation he didn't have time for. If he was having a break yes.
Maybe he was worried if people knew they would be thinking you had gone in for a discount.
You acted like a customer and he tret you like one. I honestly would think it was weird if I was stood near a someone I worked with and he started gathering the staff to meet his wife.

Pandemoniaa · 27/06/2012 19:02

...but I gather DH is right then.

I don't know that there's an absolute right or wrong, here OP. You do seem deeply hurt by the situation but I'm wondering if your expectations were more than a little misplaced. At what point, in a busy restaurant, could your dh reasonably have come out of the kitchen with a posse of colleagues in order to make these introductions? Only I can't imagine that it would have been very sensible, for safety reasons to take a toddler and a newborn right into the kitchen either.

It's really not unusual not to be formally introduced to your partner's colleagues either. I occasionally collect dp from where he works but while I know some of his staff, I've never had a formal introduction to them as such. My son works in a supermarket and he'd be amazed if I tracked him down and demanded that all his busy colleagues be dragged away from what they are doing so that I could meet them. Same goes for his partner and their baby. It's not a question of unkindness, more a question of whether it is appropriate.

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