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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to feel sad that friend is happy to be separated from her newborn for first 3 nights

543 replies

Whoneedssleepanyway · 26/06/2012 14:34

My friend is due to have DC2 in a few weeks and after a very bad labour resulting in some problems for her DS, she has booked into a private hospital for an elective CS.

I w her the other day and she said the hospital insist she stays in 3 nights and it is brilliant as they will take the baby to the nursery all night for her so she can sleep and will feed the baby for her as she doesn't intend to BF.

I didn't pass comment as this is up to her but I can't help feeling a bit sad that her baby won't be with its mum for the first 3 nights of its life but will be with some stranger, both my DDs slept with me (on my chest) for first 3 nights.

AIBU?

OP posts:
hairylemon · 26/06/2012 15:18
Hmm

Poor wee thing? Really? Really?

Nancy66 · 26/06/2012 15:18

i'd have thought falling asleep with a baby on your chest would be a bit dangerous....

DollysDrawers · 26/06/2012 15:18

horrible I honestly don't agree. I wasn't with my mum for the first week I was born because I was so poorly. She wasn't even allowed to hold me. I don't remember anything about it and had a fantastic relationship with her. But in this case it's just different strokes isn't it?

McPie · 26/06/2012 15:18

My twins were born at 33 weeks and did not get home for 4 weeks by which time I had fully recovered and delt with night feeds easily. Doesn't seem to have done any of us harm as I have 2 very loving children.
I wish I had had 3 nights to recover with DS1 5 years earlier as he was just lumped at my side and my husband sent home (he was born at 10.29 pm) and I couldnt do anything at all for him and had to wait for a nurse to hear his cries as I had been put at the far end of the ward and couldnt move to reach the buzzer.

Mrsjay · 26/06/2012 15:19

when i had dd over 19 yrs ago babies were taken to the nursery in an NHS hospital at night to let mothers sleep
they would bring baby back for a feed but i couldnt get the hang of breastfeeding so i put her on formula and the night nurses gave her a feed during the night, I was in a week as she was under 5lbs
your friend has had a baby before perhaps she was exhausted last time,

GrahamTribe · 26/06/2012 15:20

"Yanbu, and most of them on here know it, they just like to disagree! Poor wee thing."

Hmm

How patronising. And how wrong.

sea74 · 26/06/2012 15:20

In italy it is routine to have babies in "nurseries". Usually women that deliver healthy kids with natural labour without complications saty minimum 3 nights and women have the option to have baby in their rooms or have baby with all the other babies and the mum gets woken up by nurses when baby must be fed (breast or artifically).
We do not have any problem at all, actually you know how much italians love their mums!!!

takingiteasy · 26/06/2012 15:20

This reply has been deleted

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KellyElly · 26/06/2012 15:22

That's what it was like back in the day. It will only be at night surely. After the hell labour I had I would have been glad to get a bit of rest. I don't think I've caught up since and my daughter's nearly three!

madwomanintheattic · 26/06/2012 15:23

Dd1 was born by elcs in Germany and it is absolutely routine for women to stay in for a minimum of 5 days so that they can rest and recuperate. All of the babies are taken to the nursery at night. Smile

Dd2 spent 5 weeks in scbu after her term birth, and I wasn't allowed to hold her for over a week.

Ds1 was supposed to stay with me, i think, but due to the shocking state of my undercarriage (they were happy to discharge him from the hospital but not me, I needed fixing up and bed rest) they took him to the nursery occasionally overnight as well, just brought him back when he needed feeding (as they did for dd1)

I always find it astonishing that people can get so worked up over so little. Sad? Or a bit of the green eyed monster because she's paying for better care and not willing to risk the health of her child to the NHS?

Maybe spread your wings a bit op? Or find something a bit more meaningful to tax your emotions?

RemembersButtonMoon · 26/06/2012 15:23

OP ? I agree with you.

I do understand that it was the norm many years ago but when my son was born it would have caused me no end of worry to have him looked after by someone else throughout the night, qualified or not. I didn?t even want to go to the toilet until my partner arrived in the morning for my highly irrational fear of baby-nappers! He too slept on my chest and despite a very bad induction, labour and finally an emergency caesarean, those few nights where it was just the two of us getting to know each other were incredibly special.

Mrsjay · 26/06/2012 15:24

oh and yes to scibu babies being away from mums and they have bonded very well dd2 was in babycare for nearly a fortnight we didnt miss out on anything

OTTMummA · 26/06/2012 15:27

horriblefilagain no i do not 'know it' why on earth would this cause anyone to feel sad?
Baby is safe, warm and being looked after by professionals.
Baby is spending a small section of 24hrs down the corridor from mum a night.
Mum has had surgery and gets well earned rest.
Mum feels more capable when baby is awake and actually needs mums care and attention.

And,,, WTAF has this womans choice got to do with anyone else?
It's not dangerous, it's not abusive, or neglectful, so why the 'oh it's so sad' BS?
If anything, sleeping with a newborn on your chest after labour is much more eyebrow raising than what this lady is doing.

FuckityFuckFuck · 26/06/2012 15:27

O dear, DS was in SCBU for 23 days. Most of that time I wasn't even in the same building as him, let alone the same room.

What a horrible, horrible person I am, leaving him with strangers like that Hmm

theodorakis · 26/06/2012 15:28

In Qatar we get kept in for 5 days, you do get the choice on feeding an whether the baby is in with you. I try not to judge the people who decide to send the baby to the nursery overnight and in 10 years, it doesn't seem to have altered their relationship with their child. Some people don't have a choice but still manage to form a bond.

takingiteasy · 26/06/2012 15:30

It seems that since my mum had me in the early 80's that the significance of giving birth has been eroded. Whilst natural, even a straightforward delivery is exhausting. I think what the op's friend is doing should be offered to everyone and we should stop turfing women out of hospital 6 hours after giving birth and let them rest in a supported environment.

Mrsjay · 26/06/2012 15:32

Exactly takingiteasy I think the option should be there if new mums want to stay in hospital for a little longer than 6 hours or whatever it is now ,

knittedslippersx3 · 26/06/2012 15:33

Haven't read whole thread but when I had dd 16 years ago, it was the done thing that babies went to the nurses station for the first couple of nights. It wasn't so bad, they were brought back to you first thing and with you all day until about tenish.

choceyes · 26/06/2012 15:33

I agree with you RemembersButtonMoon - those 3 days at night at hospital with DC2 sleeping on my chest or next to me in bed, were wonderful, despite major abdominal surgery. I would not have been able to sleep a wink if she was out of sight of me.
But everyone's different ofcourse.

OTTMummA · 26/06/2012 15:33

I always find it astonishing that people can get so worked up over so little. Sad? Or a bit of the green eyed monster because she's paying for better care and not willing to risk the health of her child to the NHS?

Actually now i think about it, i agree with this statement from mad because i can not fathom why anyone would feel 'sad' about this situation if it is what mum wanted.

monkeymoma · 26/06/2012 15:34

my "poor wee thing" BF for 13 months BTW. I wouldn't have been "looking after it" while I was asleep, and being in for 5 days I had to sleep some time! At least while I was asleep others were looking after it and looking out for hungry ques for me!

Herrena · 26/06/2012 15:35

Actually my DS was put on my chest to sleep, with the ward midwife's blessing. I was moaning that he wouldn't sleep in his cot, so she pulled the sides of the hospital bed up and shoved an extra pillow in on each side to plug the gaps. She told me we'd be fine to sleep like that Confused should I not have believed her?!

Still think your friend has the right to do what she likes and that not everybody enjoys the same post-partum sleeping arrangements op....

Shagmundfreud · 26/06/2012 15:36

YANBU

It's shit for any tiny mammal to be separated from everything it's used to.

But as it can't express this view and won't remember the experience everyone here will say it doesn't matter.

Hmm
LtEveDallas · 26/06/2012 15:38

"It's shit for any tiny mammal to be separated from everything it's used to" What, so tiny mammals should remain in the womb forever? (seeing as that is all they are used to). How stupid is that statement?

Blu · 26/06/2012 15:38

Try a little empathy. I doubt she is blase after the birth she had before - she sounds traumatised and terrified of the same thing happening again. And having had a birth that caused problems for her baby do you not think she knows of problems more severe than the baby not being co-sleeping from day one? Lucky YOU that you were able to have your new baby in with you - not always possible with babies with problems.

You can have an lopinion about what YOU would prefer, but have made no attempt to inhabit her shoes.

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