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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to feel sad that friend is happy to be separated from her newborn for first 3 nights

543 replies

Whoneedssleepanyway · 26/06/2012 14:34

My friend is due to have DC2 in a few weeks and after a very bad labour resulting in some problems for her DS, she has booked into a private hospital for an elective CS.

I w her the other day and she said the hospital insist she stays in 3 nights and it is brilliant as they will take the baby to the nursery all night for her so she can sleep and will feed the baby for her as she doesn't intend to BF.

I didn't pass comment as this is up to her but I can't help feeling a bit sad that her baby won't be with its mum for the first 3 nights of its life but will be with some stranger, both my DDs slept with me (on my chest) for first 3 nights.

AIBU?

OP posts:
Blu · 26/06/2012 16:07

I think what may be ideal under ideal circumstances may be different when a frightened and traumatised mother is fearing the birth and fearing for the life of her child after what happened last time.

In the event she may well wish to hold onto her baby and not let go - and presumably the hospital will not remove her/him to the nursery against her wishes?

choceyes · 26/06/2012 16:07

Some babies are quite happy to lie in their cots alseep all night, just waking up for a feed and then going back in their cots. My DC1 was like that. Although that might have been the pethidine I had in my very long labour! He was jaundiced too though, so he was a sleepy baby generally.
DC2 was only happy on my chest.
That's why they often want to lie on your chest - for your warmth, your smell, the sound of your heart and your familiar voice.
That made me well up...remembering those sleeping on chest nights, they are over so quickly when they become too big for it.

Shagmundfreud · 26/06/2012 16:09

OTT mum - you'll never know.

But I suspect his first few days of life would have been more pleasurable and less baffling for him if he'd spent more time in your arms.

Obviously if a baby needs special care then the separation is unavoidable, but otherwise? In the case of a mother who isn't intrinsically unwell?

Mrsjay · 26/06/2012 16:11

madwoman that sounds exceptionally cute Grin

Herrena · 26/06/2012 16:11

what if the mother just plain doesn't want the baby nearby and will resent its presence, shagmund? How is that going to improve the eventual relationship?

FoofyShmooffer · 26/06/2012 16:12

I'd have co slept with my DS but the incubator was very small and I doubt I'd have fit through the porthole.

Shagmundfreud · 26/06/2012 16:13

Choc eyes - my dd did the same. Because she was also sedated at birth (pethidine in labour). I regret the midwives not encouraging skin to skin in the first few days. I think holding babies skin to skin when they're jaundiced and sleepy in those first few days is perhaps just what they need to encourage them to feed.

Shagmundfreud · 26/06/2012 16:14

Herrera - Sad if a mother doesn't want close contact with her newborn baby.

Casserole · 26/06/2012 16:14

I have a friend who is a midwife who has seen two cases of babies being injured when they fell off beds in the night. One had a fractured skull.

But go ahead OP. Judge away.

Mrsjay · 26/06/2012 16:14

no of course giving birth isnt an illness but IMO the mothers health is important too its not all me me me at all and i fail to see what damage it does to a small baby if it isnt skin to skin or near its mother, a baby needs warmth feeding and to be safe which the babies who are not with mum is what they are getting,

jollyrancher · 26/06/2012 16:15

I think having a cs often does make you intrinsically unwell tbh. Mine was horrific. Scar still hurts 3 years on. I had tubes all over and couldn't move at all. If ds had been on my chest he would have been bounced onto the floor by my uncontrollable shaking.

Mrsjay · 26/06/2012 16:16

oh i forgot the OP friend was having a section well she is in pain and had an operation she needs a bloody rest ,

choceyes · 26/06/2012 16:16

yep Shagmund I do regret not holding my DS more. I didn't realise the importance of skin to skin. I got shit BFing advice, and was told to top up on formula to be sleepy under the light. He never latched on and BFing failed. I was determined not to let DD out of my sight the second time around and just held her and fed her all night and it's just what she wanted and still wants now at 22 months

PrettyPrinceofParties · 26/06/2012 16:17

I understand where you're coming from OP. After waiting for the arrival of my DS, there was no way I wanted to be separated from him for even a minute. I even took him to the toilet with me!

SCBU are not a fair comparison, as that's not a choice. I think op meant she was sad the mother would choose to be separated. Some of the post saying that it's unreasonable to feel a bit sad are so harsh. I mean, FFS, she just feels a bit sad, not horrified. I love how you get to flame someone for being judgemental, when in doing so you're judging rather harshly yourself.

I'm guessing that op will still be a supportive friend and is just surprised by a parenting approach so different from her own, so as long as you are still supportive the yanbu.

MardyArsedMidlander · 26/06/2012 16:17

A C section is major abdominal surgery- so not really 'me me me'. Any other operation you'd be encouraged to rest until you are well enough. Unless you are a woman, of course, when anything less than complete exhaustion is seen as SELFISH Angry

Herrena · 26/06/2012 16:19

shagmund - well I wanted some contact, sure. However I was also down by 3 nights sleep and trying to mentally get to grips with what had just happened to me (as well as a 3rd degree tear) and so was perfectly happy to let DH hold/feed DS while I got some sleep.

So I would position myself midway between 'desperate to hold onto baby' and 'desperate to distance myself from baby' on whatever scale it is we're using :) it would not surprise me to find others who are a lot closer to either end of the spectrum than I am, however sad it may be for me to consider.

Jenniferturkington · 26/06/2012 16:21

Yabu. My DH looked after my ds on night one. We were at home, I had missed the previous night sleep so dh sat with baby ds in the living room for about 6 hours through the night while I slept. I was bf too, but ds slept loads the first few nights, cant see how this is different to a hospital staff member taking the baby for the night.

Original poster
Whoneedssleepanyway · 26/06/2012 16:26

OK so this took off, thanks for the poster who called me total cow....

So should have thought more carefully about how I phrased this....sad was stupid choice of word, am not sitting here sobbing about this...just wondered what people thought about this, just slightly surprised that someone could know in advance that they would want to do this as for me with all the hormones and emotions racing around after having given birth there was no way I could have handed the baby over, at one point the midwife offered to take her off me for a few hours but I declined, but yes that was just me.

Also to clear up I am well aware that many times the choice is totally taken out of your hands if your baby god forbid needs to go into special care or the mother is in a bad way.

Anyway think I had better not say anymore on the subject and back away to smoulder in the corner before I become just a heap of ashes.

OP posts:
OTTMummA · 26/06/2012 16:31

Shagmund DS was held from 2pm (birth) to around 11ish at night, which is when i went to sleep after a section under G.A, i would of been irresponsible to have him on my chest to sleep whilst still suffering from the effects of birth and certain medications.

He slept fine and woke for feeds and a change, as you are aware mothers usually get an adrenaline rush during the first week, and mine kicked in at about 5am that night until the next week.
I personally couldn't sleep without DS in the same room as a newborn, i haven't said i sent him away, he was in the cot next to me and then in a bedside cot at home.

We didn't have a problem bonding at all, however if a woman doesn't want to have her baby sleep on her or wants to rest from major surgery for 3 nights so she can be well rested for the hard work coming her way then i don't think prioritising a newborns percieved pleasure is more important, so long as they are feed, changed and are sleeping well under the care of a professional.

Angelico · 26/06/2012 16:31

YABVVVU. As others have said I doubt your friend is quite as blase as you seem to think but is probably trying to blag it because of the judgey pants everywhere. That said my lovely SIL (most devoted mother alive) was delighted that her hospital took babies away ON and she was able to have a couple of nights of good sleep to recover from labour and get ready for the madness at home.

I'm having a section too for medical reasons and I accept it's the best thing for me and my baby. In an ideal world baby would be straight onto me but it's not going to happen. Luckily I think the rest of her life will give me plenty of time to help her past the trauma of those first forty minutes... Hmm

LtEveDallas · 26/06/2012 16:33

Your body is your baby's universe until the moment of birth. Being dressed and left to lie flat in a cot in a quiet room is probably the sensory equivalent for a baby of being put in an isolation tank

yeah, thanks for that Shagmund - does making a mother feel shit make you feel better?

Also to clear up I am well aware that many times the choice is totally taken out of your hands if your baby god forbid needs to go into special care or the mother is in a bad way

So do you not feel 'sad' for those babies then OP? How do you differentiate? If you are 'sad' for your friends baby, does that make you feel 'sad' for my baby? Would my baby have been better with me, but dead, or in SCBU, alone and alive?

Ridiculous.

Original poster
Whoneedssleepanyway · 26/06/2012 16:37

LtEve - I just said that Sad was stupid choice of word in my OP...

And yes of course I do feel sad for any baby that has to be in SCBU because they are in SCBU and sick which is an awful situation. Of course they are better off in SCBU alive.

Anyway I am thinking people haven't read some of my later posts on this so I am going to continue to get battered here.

OP posts:
soozeedol · 26/06/2012 16:38

I had long labour, failed epidural which took hours to have eventually re-done and an ECS in the end. I was high as kite, completely exhausted and useless by then....I was so very glad that the nursing staff took my DS away during the night and day...I'd never have managed to be alone and take care of him
My mother lived with me for nearly 2 weeks when we came home and I was so lucky to have her there

bloody wound infections and feeding problems....

I'd say your friend could be thinking realistically and is setting herself up really well for the impending exhaustion alone...never mind anything else and who knows til the time comes what will actually happen....if she has the offer of help...she should def take it!!

Yorkpud · 26/06/2012 16:39

YABU- I think it is safer after an operation for the baby to sleep where it is kept an eye on by people who are awake.

I had ECS and had to look after my baby all the time. I could have done with someone looking after him at night. I had not slept for 3 days by the time he was born and had had every drug under the sun. I was then left with him on my chest not able to ring the bell and falling asleep from sheer exhaustion. He could have slipped off or anything but I was just not capable of keeping my eyes open.

MammaTJ · 26/06/2012 16:39

Well, good for you! I spent the first night with my DD1 wide awake and gazing at her. The staff insisted on taking her to the nursery the second night, because I was just so exhausted.

With my DD2, I was nowhere near her, she was over 60 miles away from me and I didn't know whether she would live or not. I was too ill to travel with her! Finally got there and she was on the mend, but I did not spend a night with her until she was nearly three weeks old with her being in special care and me being too ill to stay up all night. We have a great bond now though, despite her going though a faze of trying to send me round the bend!

My DS and I didn't get to spend the first night with me either. I was in intensive care and it seems they don't allow newborn babies to stay with their poorly mummies. Again, we have a strong bond, unaffected by the lack of him lying on my chest!!

I wouldn't worry. I am sure your friend and child will be fine!!

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