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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to feel sad that friend is happy to be separated from her newborn for first 3 nights

543 replies

Whoneedssleepanyway · 26/06/2012 14:34

My friend is due to have DC2 in a few weeks and after a very bad labour resulting in some problems for her DS, she has booked into a private hospital for an elective CS.

I w her the other day and she said the hospital insist she stays in 3 nights and it is brilliant as they will take the baby to the nursery all night for her so she can sleep and will feed the baby for her as she doesn't intend to BF.

I didn't pass comment as this is up to her but I can't help feeling a bit sad that her baby won't be with its mum for the first 3 nights of its life but will be with some stranger, both my DDs slept with me (on my chest) for first 3 nights.

AIBU?

OP posts:
hmmmIDoubtIt · 26/06/2012 14:53

you don't know what you would or wouldn't need or use? it depends on so many things like how the birth was, how you are, how the baby was

I'ld prob have said no in advance but I did use it. I don't think you can say what you would do after any births but the ones you've had when it comes to things like this (obv I can say 100% I'ld never have a swingers party in my home the day I got back from hospital with a new baby, but y'know what i mean!)

miaowmix · 26/06/2012 14:54

You feel sad for her? Really? I think it sounds great, how lovely for them all to be rested after the birth. My best friend did this at the Portland and she had a lovely elective cs and felt fab afterwards, because she had lots of sleep.
Save your pity, really.

bigTillyMint · 26/06/2012 14:54

It is none of your business.

Babies were routinely taken to the nursery like that in the 60s - my mother had me by c-section and was in getting a good nights sleep for a week.

I wouldnt have wanted to do that with my DC - I couldnt stop looking at them and cuddling them when they were born.

FioFio · 26/06/2012 14:54

I had a terrible time with my eldest and she went to SCBU, we were both ill etc. When my dd left scbu and came into my room I asked the midwife on duty if she could take my dd for me to the nursery for the night, one night, so i could get some sleep and the midwife said to me 'why don't you just stick a bottle in her mouth and wheel her out into the hall Hmm' and her judgement and cruelty has stayed with me ever since. I don't suppose it was enough for her that we both nearly died, it was important to judge an ill young mother for wanting and needing a rest. My dd didn't develop properly either and is now severely disabled (and that's why she never stopped crying day and night!) but there you go

maybe your FRIEND just wants to recover FROM MAJOR SURGERY

choceyes · 26/06/2012 14:58

Not that many years ago, babies being taken to the nursery at night was common practice.

Yes and mothers had real difficulties establishing BFing and most gave up because of problems back then. The medical profession then realised it was a bad idea so that's why now rooming in is recommended.
But if she is FF then is not an issue ofcourse.

Babylon1 · 26/06/2012 14:58

YABVVU and it's NOYB.

DD2 was cared for by hospital staff for the first 3 nights of her life, as although she was next to my bed in her cot bubble thing, I was far too ill to do anything other than look at her. I had too many drips, catherters and tubes coming out of all areas of my body - I couldn't lift her up, DH had to express my milk for her.

She does not remember, it did not affect our bonding at all.

Equally DS1 will not remember his first 3 nights either, nor DD1 hers, and they both spent time on my chest/boob/in the little cot bubble thing.

LtEveDallas · 26/06/2012 14:59

Whoneedssleepanyway

Thanks for that. Really appreciate it.

My DD spent the first month of her life in SCBU. With strangers. Not with me.

Yeah, poor bloody OP's 'friends' baby. I bet she's traumatised.

Thank God I don't have friends like you.

Herrena · 26/06/2012 15:02

The midwives took DS off me when he was 2 days old, saying nicely (but firmly) "WE will settle him, you get some sleep". I was a bit startled but sooo grateful to get some sleep.

I think your friend is being very sensible and has made the call that she will be in a better state to deal with her baby if she is rested and refreshed. She sounds like she's thought this through. Not that you didn't, but clearly the prospect of having baby sleep on her chest is not as appealing to her as it is to you. Surely she is entitled to her opinion as you are to yours?

My sister never slept on my mum's chest and I'm damn sure I never did either. We have both managed to sustain long-term relationships so we are not irrevocably broken :)

Ephiny · 26/06/2012 15:03

Actually having the choice like this seems like the ideal situation to me. Not the extreme of having your baby whisked off to the nursery whether you wanted it or not, as apparently it was in the 'old days', nor the current situation of women being expected to look after a newborn without help hours after major surgery when they're barely able to get out of bed. What's wrong with allowing women to choose based on their personal preferences and what they feel capable of at the time?

It would be great to have this in NHS hospitals actually, maybe as a service you could pay for if you wanted to use it.

OTTMummA · 26/06/2012 15:04

I think after having such a horrible birth last time she is putting things in place to have some sense of control over what this experience and outcome may be.
She sounds quite smart tbh, she knows what she wants, or how she wants things to go so why can't you just be happy for her?
Baby won't care so long as it has been fed, changed and is nice and warm for the 6-8 hours it is away from mum.
Remember she would of also had major surgery, she needs rest.

I can remember being awake at 3am on the ward needing a wee and some pain meds whilst DS needed a feed at the same time and having to wheel him down to the MW station before trying to quickly shuffle to the toilet on time, it wasn't the best experience.

brighthair · 26/06/2012 15:05

I don't think it really matters. I was separated in intensive care, then later on when mum worked and I had 2 nannies. Was a very untraditional childhood. Do I remember my nannies? No, but I certainly remember my Mum

DesperatelySeekingSedatives · 26/06/2012 15:05

Why is it "sad"? It sounds brilliant!

I was in a bay with 3 other women first time round and our babies took it in turns to wake everyone up. Total nightmare for everyone. I'm sure we'd have all slept better if the babies had spent the night in a nursery and only the day time and evening with us.

FWIW, The MWs on duty when I had DD would have had kittens if they'd seen anyone sleep with their baby on thir chest! Wink

hairylemon · 26/06/2012 15:09

YABU, tbh I judge you more for your not exactly safe co-sleeping method. Its a bit of a drop from a hospital bed onto a hard floor.

choceyes · 26/06/2012 15:10

FWIW, The MWs on duty when I had DD would have had kittens if they'd seen anyone sleep with their baby on thir chest!
Yes, I didn't particularly want DD on my chest on the first few nights either, but she wailed and screamed as soon as I put her down in her cot. The MW suggested I leave her crying, which I wasn't going to do. So she slept on my chest and the MW didn't really say anything but just kept an eye on us through the night.

ChooChooLaverne · 26/06/2012 15:11

Sounds wonderful!

I'd have chewed my own arm off to have done the same after 2 days of labour and a CS and being severely anaemic and tired.

NatashaBee · 26/06/2012 15:12

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

DancesWithSockPuppets · 26/06/2012 15:13

TBH I'd have been over the moon if the hospital had offered to take DS off my hands for the first couple of nights. We were up every hour or so that first night - not what you need when you're already knackered from a non-sleeping pregnancy and an overnight labour. She'll have months and months of sleepless nights ahead of her; won't hurt to miss out a couple of them!

Chubfuddler · 26/06/2012 15:14

I have generally observed on mn that when someone posts something along the lines of "I feel sad for the child" they follow it up with something that demands no feelings of sadness whatsoever.

This used to be completely normal in the UK 30 years ago.

worrywortisworrying · 26/06/2012 15:14

FFS. Did you have an bad labour OP? No??? Well, you have no clue what you are talking about.

Both of my children were born in the Portland, and there is night care so the mum can sleep. Neither of my children appear bothered about the fact they didn't spend 3 days on my chest.

YABU.

lilypainter · 26/06/2012 15:15

YABU.

But no doubt I'm a rubbish mum for having a premature baby and then not spending the first 3 weeks of DS's life trying to sleep in an uncomfortable chair next to his incubator and cot in SCBU. Luckily, so far he doesn't seem traumatised by it.

horriblefilagain · 26/06/2012 15:16

Yanbu, and most of them on here know it, they just like to disagree! Poor wee thing.

DollysDrawers · 26/06/2012 15:16

Now't to do with you. It wouldn't have suited me but then it doesn't have to, nor does it have to suit you as it's her baby, not yours. I'm sure the baby will be very well cared for and she will spend a lot of time with it during the day.

I'm afraid OP I think you may have expected a lot of pearl clutching and 'how could she do that's' from this thread but it's never sensible to criticise other people's parenting choices, in particular when no harm will come to the child.

GrahamTribe · 26/06/2012 15:17

God, what a bitch. Not only is she not going to have her baby sleeping on her chest for three whole nights she's decided not to breastfeed too. Stone her.

Or alternatively learn to respect other people's choices and stop being so judgmental about someone you call a friend.

MetalliMa · 26/06/2012 15:17

yabu
wow maybe all the mums that like me couldn't be with their babies as thay were in ICU should just call them selfs bad.

BabyDubsEverywhere · 26/06/2012 15:17

I will be having DS2 by Csection next week in NHS hosp and have been offered this as part of my care plan so i can get back on my meds asap (they knock me out!)

Even if I dont use the midwives in hospital my DH will be doing all nights forever more from as soon as we get home... the same as the last two children we have had... should i call SS on myself now or just offer myself to public flogging??

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