To call immigration about my visitors?

[Migsy1]

I feel terrible about this and I don't know if I am being harsh or whether I should follow my instincts and get away from this situation.

I was involved in a school exchange in Spain a couple of years ago. I decided to go back there at the beginning of this month for a holiday with my 3 children. The holiday was arranged by me and a couple of days before I went I contacted a family that I had been paired with on my original visit to say that we were coming over and it might be nice to meet up sometime if they were going to be available.

The woman in the family, who is originally from South America, invited us over for lots of meals which I felt very uncomfortable about as I really wanted some space with my kids. It felt overbearing but I did not wish to offend and I realise that the Spanish culture if different to mine. I visited their home for dinner more than I wanted to to initially but at first I thought the woman was being altruistic and kind.
I told her that her son was welcome to visit us for a week in the summer to improve his English.

As the week progressed I found out that the family was having difficulty finding work and want to emigrate to the UK. The woman asked could she and her son could come over for a week at the end of this month to stay with me to see what the UK is like. I reluctantly agreed and she booked the flights before I could email her to put her off. She is due to arrive next week and has made it clear that she is bringing her CV and wants me to help her find work and possibly accommodation. She also wants to use my address to demonstrate to border control that she is only coming here to visit friends.

She has no entitlement to live or work in the UK. I feel that her hospitality in Spain was used to take advantage of me so that I could be a portal for her to enter the UK illegally. I am worried that she might try to stay longer in my home than the agreed week, especially if she cannot find accommodation. Her non-English speaking husband and his South American friend actually suggested that they live in my house and refurbish it in return whilst they look for building work in the UK!

Am I right to be freaked out by this? Do you think I should just call immigration and tell them of her true intentions so that they are not let into the country? I am worried that I am being dragged into something complicated, that as a single mum with 3 kids, I can well do without. I am seriously stressed by this!

I think this has trouble written all over it. She sounds extremely pushy, and given that she kept changing the goalposts about the reason for the stay it seems pretty likely that she will be trying to extend her stay after a week. I can completely understand how the situation arose - you sound like you did what many people would have done in trying to be kind and helpful.

You have a few options - invent some crisis and say she can't stay with you after all - give her the names of some inexpensive b and b's. Actually, ring some b and b's and tell her which are actually available! Ask her if she would like you to book them given that she can no longer stay with you. (Not sure what the crisis could be though! - marital problems?!)

You could put her up for a week if you feel obliged to stick to your invite (but I don't think YABU not to, as it all sounds a bit alarming - not the looking for work side - the extended stay/ renovating your house side!) But email and be VERY CLEAR that your invitation is only for one week at which point she will need to leave your house. Point out that you are very uncomfortable with her husband's suggestion that they move in and renovate as you think she has misunderstood your invitation which does not extend beyond the week. You are unable to offer accomodation beyond the week.

In the end you owe her nothing, so stop feeling in the least bit guilty. She is taking advantage of you.

As for reporting her, she's done nothing wrong. It wouldn't be her working here illegally that bothered me, it would be moving in on you and finding it difficult to get rid of her!

time for a white lie, you don't need to report her, but you can stop her staying with you. What about telling her that your mother/MIL isn't well and will be coming to stay with you until she recovers (unspecified timeframe) and that you won't have room for any other guests, and more importantly, being in a 'caring' role you won't have the time to entertain/meet up. If they want advise of hotels/places to visit in the area, of course you can give them those.

It might be worth inviting your mother or MIL to stay (breifing her first) incase they come anyway and pop in.

Who gives a stuff what their work permit situation is? It's irrelevant, because you don't want them to stay in your house. You offered to let one 14 year old boy stay for a week, and suddenly you are responsible for helping adults find work etc? Er, no. That would not happen chez Prov. Just say no, NO, just say, just say no....

Oh, and if she pushes (often to sleep on the floor etc), say "sorry but I can't be flexible, my mother's condition means she needs privacy, you of course understand I can't discuss details with you."

I think you should pretend you've only just found out that it would get you into terrible trouble if she was looking for work - go on to her about how it's awful and terrible that you can't help her and you sooooooo wish you could.

Have now reread some of your replies - if she's entering on a tourist visa and giving your address saying you have personally invited her, but then telling you she is actually going to be looking for work, then I would be very uncomfortable with my part in all that should she ever be investigated. I think you have to withdraw your offer of accomodation, or else put in writing that you understand that this holiday is just for her to be getting a feel for the UK and see what is available workwise and it is only on that basis, and on the basis she returns after a week, that she has your invitation to stay with you for that week.

Youve agreed to her coming for a week, her wanting to get a feel for the uk and the job market isnt illegal.

Everything else is conjecture.

I think oyu have 2 options, either tell her you have to cancel the arrangement (which you seem reluctant to do) or let them come and be a host insomuch as you make them welcome, cook them some nice meals etc but leave the whole 'finding a job' thing to her - youre working anyway, whatever she gets up to in the day is her business. But make it clear you have family coming to stay the day after the week is up, mention it in passing from the very beginning. Dont get drawn into any discussion about further visits, have some vague possible big changes coming up (thinking about moving to the other end of the country, having a baby, major surgery, whatever...)

Migsy, you need to realise that you owe this family nothing. If you feel guilty about the meals you ate, you could send her a cheque or flowers covering the cost.
I would get out of this situation fast. Just tell her that you are unable to accommodate them at all (cite renovations, ill mother or tell the truth, it doesn't matter - you owe them nothing!) and that you would not be willing to be any kind of a referee to them.
This would make me very uncomfortable.
If you then feel guilt about passing the problem off, again, not your problem. They are almost strangers and have been a bit presumptuous.

If you then feel guilty about it all, why don't you volunteer afterwards with any of the many programmes around the place that help immigrants to learn English.

I wouldn't call immigration though.

LaurieFairyCake I like that advice. I would tone down on the "wishing I could" though!! She sounds like she needs it to be spelt out. Say you can't help her look for work. You could still say the invitation to stay a week is open, but on the understanding it is just a holiday which ends after a week. Put it in writing though.

she does sound pushy and the fact that she booked the flights first (am i correct) confirms this. It also sounds like they may take over i.e. men coming to renovate. once she is in your home could you trust her.

My DB married a mexican girl. he divorced her but I think she thought he was her meal ticket to the UK and they did go to Spain once (before they were married) and had a job to get back into UK.

"Hecate-

this woman, like many of us, seems to be one of those who is willing to please others and loath to offend them. "

Yes, it's very common. And it's a curse.

I used to be like that, 47to31.

Then I realised that it was hardly surprising that people walked all over me, when I had painted 'Welcome' across my forehead and lain down at their feet.

It can be hard to change, particularly, I think, as a woman - we are programmed to be 'nice' and 'kind' - obedient and obliging! but people treat you how you allow them to treat you, and if you reach a point when you say screw this, then it is an amazingly powerful and liberating thing.

• even to take control of those shitty things that you are not willing to change, rather than telling yourself you have no choice! yes, this is crap, but it is what I have chose from the options available to me. It is my preference. I could say no, I could walk away, but it is my choice not to. Very empowering. it really is. And it really doesn't require big balls of steel. Just a bit of confidence and assertiveness.

OP you can't allow this to happen, the bit that sends up a massive red flag for me is her husband and friend suggesting that they LIVE in your house and do refurbishments in return! There's no question you've gotten yourself into a pickle and it's one I could see myself getting into if I didn't have my DH to speak up when I don't feel able to.

On this occasion though only you can speak up if your uncomfortable with something. Gut feeling counts for a lot IMHO and if yours is saying something feels wrong then listen and tell this family they can't stay with you, then have a chat with the other family at school you mentioned and tell them your concerns, ball is in their court then.

I just want to ask, does she say she is planning to apply for a residency and work permit in the near future? Could she legitimately be granted those or is there no chance of her ever getting them? Not sure how permits work. Would she have to have a job lined up before she was granted one? In which case I could understand her looking at the local jobs market while she is here for a week.

Why dont you offer to ring immigration for her and say you will find out what she is allowed to do so that she diesnt do anything illegal in error? I'm sure if she intended to do anything wrong on purpose she would be horrified and tell you not to contact them in which case I would cut all contact ASAP.

Hecate is utterly right.

I say yes all the time to damn fool stuff that has me kicking myself for agreeing to things that I know I'll be unhappy about in the future.

I am going to try and stop agreeing to bad ideas (in order not to offend, or to be seen as 'doing the right thing' etc) because it's just weak and silly really. I totally respect people who say 'no' at the outset.

Listen to Hecate OP.

I'm actually normally quite assertive. I'm amazed at myself on this one. The fact that my ES got on so well with her son influenced the situation and I also felt pressured into the visit. It is very difficult to say "no" when you are sitting at someone's table eating a lovely meal that has been cooked for you. I planned to email her on my return to make an excuse but she had gone ahead and booked the flights.
I have a job interview in the middle of the week that they plan to be here and I need to be away for the night (kids at father's). I'm even more nervous now because they would be in the house on their own.
I've sent an email to try to find out more about her intentions.

IF there is anything illegal there is an electronic 'paper trail' showing that you are aware of her/their intentions to find work. This could be held over if if you allow them over. Also, if she did find work and was here without the husband, who would mind the child? There would be no benefits to help pay. Put a stop to this now, OP.

Why would you feel more guitly of emailing her and telling her that she cannot come, than getting her and her 14 year old son, who would then be seperated from his parents and questioned, then either sent back home, or held for a period of time and sent back?

If someone pushes you to engage in something that you are not comfortible then you have the right to question them and refuse.

There are times when i am happy to be classed as rude, if this is were it gets you.

I don't get this 'politeness' that everyone thinks that they have to adopt in every situation.

curleyhairedassassin I don't know but I looked at the Home Office web site and it is highly unlikely that she would be granted a work permit based upon my knowledge of her.

You are still allowed to change your mind.

"I am sorry, I have been thinking about this and I am not happy to have you 'living' at my home. I was happy to host your son for one week, but this has been changed by you into something that I am not happy to agree to. I therefore cannot give permission for you to stay in my home, or to put me down as the reason you are all visiting the UK"

So you are letting stranger come from another country and stay in your empty house, for free?

I'm sorry, but if anything does happen, you won't be believed to be innocent.

You have to put a stop to this now. You barely know these people and are considering allowing them to stay in your home while you are not there????? are you insane?

And if they are having difficulty finding work, they didnt seem to have much difficulty paying for flights

Is there any chance that she is considering abandoning her son?

With the hope that they let him stay, as a 'Looked After Child'? I have known that to happen.

Following on from what a poster said above about telling her you have realised this is illegal, could you say you'd been chatting to your (newish) next door neighbour about your holiday and their lovely hospitality and their forthcoming stay and how she was looking for work (as in you were trying to be helpful to her cause) but that the next door neighbour's spouse is a border control official/immigration official of some sort and you've been told that if she comes to stay you will be in trouble because you know she is looking for work on a tourist visa and because they live next door to you you won't be able to hide the fact that she and her son are there at the time you told them they would be. Tell her that you wouldn't want her to ruin her chances permanently of moving to the UK so unless she wants to be reported on this visit it is best for her to stay elsewhere.

Bird OMG! I doubt she is that canny but she did leave him in another S American country for the first 3 years of his life whilst she worked abroad. He was looked after by relatives.

Wheezo That is a fabulous idea!