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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to think if you want to work in silence, don't go to a coffee shop

777 replies

whimsicalname · 22/06/2012 13:31

I was in a chain coffee shop this morning, across the road from our city museum, waiting with my 2 year old for it to open.

I was drinking my coffee, he sat opposite me eating raisins. Other people were working, or chatting, or reading the paper. You know, doing normal coffee shop stuff.

After a while, the boy gets up to wander around. He's not running, he's not sticky, he's just mingling. He walked towards a man with a laptop. Stood nearby him, and then said hello. Man looked up at me, and said 'do you mind, I'm concentrating here' in a really unpleasant way.

If I'd been with a couple of friends chatting we'd have made a lot more noise but I can't help but feel he probably wouldn't have told us off!

We were across the road from the university library (which has some open access areas) and all of 200m away from the city central library, so plenty of options for quiet. Blimey, he could even have sat in the cathedral for some quiet contemplation.

AIBU or was he?

OP posts:

Rubirosa · 22/06/2012 14:18

He was a bit grumpy, but it's fair enough not to want to talk to a random stranger (child or adult) when you just want to sit by yourself and have a coffee.

I would let my 2 year old wander round a bit in a cafe, so long as he wasn't going to get in waitresses way etc - but I wouldn't let him approach or bother other customers.

Quenelle · 22/06/2012 14:19

Whether he was working on his laptop, online shopping or on a chat forum he wasn't BU to want to be left alone.

He could have said hello back to your son before asking you to leave him be though. There was no need to be rude.

ebbandflow · 22/06/2012 14:19

Blimey you are getting a lot of stick on this thread OP. A 2 year old saying hello is hardly bothering anyone is it? The man was rude. I've seen bored toddlers having a wander in quiet cafes and never judged their parents for it.

Cockwomble · 22/06/2012 14:21

YAB a bit U.

But at the same time, it wouldn't bother me if your 2yo did that, I'd say hello. It's fair enough that he didn't want to, he could have been more pleasant about it though.

MissFaversam · 22/06/2012 14:22

Laughing here Richman, no-one is saying you have to actually entertain them for their stay.

Im totally with what kitchentiles has just said.

D0oinMeCleanin · 22/06/2012 14:22

I find when I do give them a brief smile or say hello, they take this an indication that I want to be their friend and engage in delightful and gripping converstaions about Iggle Piggle or poo with me.

If you tell 'em to sod off they usually start crying and run back to mummy

loveroflife · 22/06/2012 14:23

I understand that he has a right to be there as well but he's saying he doesn't want to be interrupted and to be left in peace and is a coffee shop a quiet place where he won't be interrupted? Probably not....

I am gathering that he wasn't very nice to the child's mother and my point is that she responds to him. If he said: "Hello, I've got to do my work now sorry I can't chat bla bla bla" and looked towards the mother then that is a different situation but I gather (and I may be wrong) but he was very rude stating: "Do you mind?" Just comes across as a bit 'Get your kid away from me' when kids of course run around in a presumably busy place...

Now to put it into context if he was in the library where it is EXPECTED people are working peacefully and do not want to be disturbed, then he would have a point (not to be rude of course) but a coffee shop? You want peace and you go to a coffee shop? (or maybe I'm basing it on the coffee shops I go to!)

AnyoneForTennis · 22/06/2012 14:23

Poor little chap!

WithACherryOnTop · 22/06/2012 14:24

Well evidently it was bothering the man,and 'hello' so often turns into a long conversation which the parents won't necessarily stop.

And I don't agree that allowing a toddler to wander around a coffee shop is appropriate. It takes just a second or two for someone to trip and be scalded,or scald the child.Even if you're watching closely you may not get there in time. I've had a few near misses myself with OPC.

DamselInTornDress · 22/06/2012 14:26

This thread reminds me of the time I took the bus and a little boy dived across the seat I was headed for and said "no". But I ignored and sat down anyway. Once he got use to me sitting next to him he wanted to engage me in conversation and his mother got all huffy with me for not humouring him when I responded, I don't want to speak to rude children.

Jins · 22/06/2012 14:28

Oh I've got a vision of OP smiling proudly as her DS says hello nicely and the smile fading as he gets rebuffed :(

The trouble is that the vast majority of people don't want to interact with anyone and a laptop is a really good clue that they aren't interested. A two year old won't understand that so you need to be their guide as to who they can go and talk to.

I really really really don't want to interact with OPC in any situation but I hope I'd be more polite

ginslinger · 22/06/2012 14:29

What a meanie. He'll get his karma payback when he's lonely with no friends and no one wants to say hello to him because they're so fucking busy.

TheCunningStunt · 22/06/2012 14:29

YABU. I have a 3 year old and she sits, she wanders sometimes. But if someone looks like they are busy I usher her away. When I go to a coffee shop I don't always want other peoples children saying hello or otherwise. I want to be out, I may want to read. I may ignore your child as I have just got rid of mine for a couple of hours....that may well make me rude. Don't give a flying fig

WhereYouLeftIt · 22/06/2012 14:30

So the title reads "AIBU to think if you want to work in silence, don't go to a coffee shop". But that's a bit misleading, isn't it?

This man was not asking for silence, he was instead just asking to be left alone. Saying 'do you mind, I'm concentrating here' was not out of order. He's sitting there minding his own business, your child wandering around. You see it as your son "Stood nearby him, and then said hello." (Aww, how sweet! ), he probably saw it as what-does-this-random-stranger-want-go-away-I'm-here-by-myself-with-my-laptop-an-adult-would-take-the-hint-but this-child-won't-so-I'll ensure-the-responsible-adult-will. In his shoes I well might have done the same.

So OP, YABU for accusing this man of a crime he did not commit (wanting silence in a coffee shop) and for not having enough empathy to see that not everyone wants to engage in meaningless conversation with random small children they don't know when they are doing something else.

Teeb · 22/06/2012 14:32

I think the op needed to guide her son more if he was going to interact with people. The friendly looking elderly woman in the corner who seemed approachable and was keeping an eye on her young son would have been a more appropriate candidate for mingling, or a mother with young children with her. A man sitting alone on a laptop would never strike me as someone I would encourage my child to disrupt.

RandomNumbers · 22/06/2012 14:32

WehereYou, the child was prob doing a ten min stretch of that lovely Silent Staring they do, before he spoke to the chap

WithACherryOnTop · 22/06/2012 14:33

Nonsense,Gunslinger. The man has not committed a crime.He just didn't want to entertain/interact with other people while have some time to himself. It is not an offence.

WhereYouLeftIt · 22/06/2012 14:34

"I find when I do give them a brief smile or say hello, they take this an indication that I want to be their friend and engage in delightful and gripping converstaions about Iggle Piggle or poo with me."
God yes. And sometimes I'm up for that, and other times I just want them to bugger off go and play nicely elsewhere with the contents of their mummy's handbag.

Original poster

whimsicalname · 22/06/2012 14:35

Lots of fair points, thank you all.

I wasn't expecting him to entertain my child. I was expecting him not to be rude.

I'm sure I would have been more disruptive if I'd followed him around vetting who he spoke to.

OP posts:

WhereYouLeftIt · 22/06/2012 14:38

Absolutely Random. The picture in my head was of those creepy little unblinking blondes from Village of the Damned.

ohchristFENTON · 22/06/2012 14:38

If you're okay with your toddler mingling in a coffee shop then you will have to be prepared for others not being okay with it.

bogeyface · 22/06/2012 14:40

He wasnt rude, he just wasnt particularly pleasant.

And if you hadnt let him wander around then you wouldnt need to vet who he spoke to would you?

You shouldnt have let a small child wander around in a coffee shop, its annoying but mainly its dangerous.

JayelleBee · 22/06/2012 14:41

Letting a 2 year old mingle is definitely BU.

I can't stand it when parents assume that just because they think their DC is wonderful other people share their opinion.

No need to be rude about it though.

bogeyface · 22/06/2012 14:41

Too many he's there!

WithACherryOnTop · 22/06/2012 14:41

Forgot to add that I love children,and would probably smile and say hello to your ds before he came over,and would generally be happy to chat away to him,though there is the odd occasion when I wouldn't,but I don't believe that everyone should expected to do so,or that it's rude to want some relative peace and quiet.

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