to think if you want to work in silence, don't go to a coffee shop

[whimsicalname]

I was in a chain coffee shop this morning, across the road from our city museum, waiting with my 2 year old for it to open.

I was drinking my coffee, he sat opposite me eating raisins. Other people were working, or chatting, or reading the paper. You know, doing normal coffee shop stuff.

After a while, the boy gets up to wander around. He's not running, he's not sticky, he's just mingling. He walked towards a man with a laptop. Stood nearby him, and then said hello. Man looked up at me, and said 'do you mind, I'm concentrating here' in a really unpleasant way.

If I'd been with a couple of friends chatting we'd have made a lot more noise but I can't help but feel he probably wouldn't have told us off!

We were across the road from the university library (which has some open access areas) and all of 200m away from the city central library, so plenty of options for quiet. Blimey, he could even have sat in the cathedral for some quiet contemplation.

AIBU or was he?

whispers

'Oh I'm exactly the same but can't blame dyspraxia....I have a few other mental disorders though so can blamee that (And no I do not often talk at strangers in cafes)'

It's bloody hard work isn't it? Deciphering what people really mean.

I've only just realised that your name is actually DomesticGodless,and not DomesticGodless,which is what I think I've referred to you as. Apologies.
How oblivious am I?

OP, I do think the man in question was somewhat rude. However (at the risk of being torn apart by others on here) might I venture that there may have been a reason for his response, other than his just being a rude git (which I don't really think he was, but however).

To use examples from my own experience:

Before I spent a lot of time with DP's nieces and nephews, I had never been around children (as an adult I mean, obviously I was a child and spent time around other children then, before some smart arse points this out). I had no idea how to interact with children, at all.

After each of my miscarriages, it pained me to have to be around other people's children. I mean, it really broke my heart. So in the situation outlined in the OP, I'd have had to send the child away, or risk breaking down in hysterical tears in the middle of the coffee shop.

Sometimes it can be hard to tell how a parent will react to you chatting with their child. Once, while queueing in Sainsbos, the adorable wee toddler of the couple at the next checkout wandered over to me and started babbling away. I smiled and chatted with him briefly - until his mother glared at me and quickly yanked him away, as if I was about to steal him. This made me wary of interacting with other people's children for some time.

I love children, love interacting with them. But sometimes people have their own reasons for not wanting to do so. It isn't always about you or your child, sometimes people just have their own personal reasons. This may or may not be the case of the man in the OP, but I would ask you all to bear it in mind before writing off people who aren't eager to interact with your children as miserable child-haters.

LimitedPeriodOnly and DomesticGodless - am loving your work.

Particularly agree Domestic that more exacting standards of behaviour are expected from small children than from adults. Everyone seems to tolerate loud boorish adults with little more than an eye roll or raised brow, and yet the mere presence of a child, however innocuous, seems to bring some people out in hives. My children at 8 and 9 are older now and don't seem to attract the same sort of guarded suspicion that they used to - as if people were just waiting for them to put a foot wrong....but I remember that awful period well. You know how as an adult approaching someone coming from the opposite direction you sometimes do that accidental waltz where you nearly collide, but both apologise and move on. Christ if that happens with a kid then it is invariably the child's fault....that's how it is in this country - 'nuisance' children . Am so relieved that I no longer have small children because it wasn't good for my blood pressure - I just couldn't let it go and would articulate exactly what was on my mind to the hapless Pedophobe.

No, OP Yanbu. The man concerned could merely have smiled and acknowledged and then closed down the interaction - it isn't that difficult to do. He didn't need to be so pointed and hostile

Sorry, started typing before the thread became jokey, really was not trying to kick it all off again. Sorry

PurplePrickles - I watched both the Jodie Marsh body building programmes the other night, and found them strangely compelling. Especially the bit where she was coated in boot polish, because fake tan isn't dark enough to show up the muscles properly! And all the 'Emergency Diets' - no carbs, all fish, 17 egg whites, all carbs.....

SDTG I know what you mean, I actually got a little lump in my throat when she won I admired her determination.

I am so glad you answered, Purple - I thought I had killed the thread stone dead. I was so sad. But you are here, and now I am happy again!

I was actually thinking when I posted my reply how much I'd enjoyed this thread. Shall we start the argument discussion off all over again.

And going back to Jodie Marsh.. I was really shocked by the whole cram a cake in every 30mins then have no water for 24 hours. I knew body builders would have set diets but the idea that they'd dehydrate themselves on purpose so that their veins pop out really surprised me.

That shocked me too - all the strange 'emergency diets'. It can't be good for you, in the long run.

We could widen the discussion - how about "AIBU to think that if you want to work in peace, you shouldn't buy your coffee at Costa-Bucks, trip over my two-year old, and then go and sit alone in your car, in the P&C parking, working on your laptop?" Do you think that might spark some debate??

2 year olds shouldn't be wandering around places where boiling liquids are being carried about all the time.

The thing that really gets me is the OPs use of the word 'mingle'.

2 year olds simply don't mingle. They are curious. They approach people randomly and will talk at them fairly randomly. Not everyone feels obliged to respond in a positive way to that - and why should they?

I suspect, from the OP's use of the word 'mingle' she is assuming that her toddler is being charming and endearing and that she is teaching him socialisation skills. It's this misconception which grates.

I find teaching kids to 'mingle' actually teaches them awful manners.

Oooh SDTG it's started again anyway- though your thread title was excellent

(Sitting on hands but can't resist) What are you Tinkerbel the word police? I doubt the OP really meant mingle.. or possibly the 2 year old did saunter over to the man with a double espresso in hand and ask 'so what do you do for a living?'

I'm not quite sure why people can't be expected to respond to anyone saying 'hello' to them in a positive way, isn't that called manners?

Sorry, only read one page of thread but....i think he was mean to be speak so rudely, that was unnecessary but if your toddler had bothered him continually I could have understood why he might be a bit annoyed.

YABU. Also he was not complaining about the noise, so the title of this thread is also misleading. You can filter out noise but you can't filter out someone wanting to interact with you. This said, I am also not interested in random people's toddlers and I do not want to interact with anyone's child in a coffee shop - especially not when working.

Purpleprickles: I'm not quite sure why people can't be expected
to respond to anyone saying 'hello' to them in a positive way,
isn't that called manners?
No. It's called pestering complete strangers in a public place. If you notice adults don't go up to random people to say "hello" to them. If the OP's child had been 15 years older the man working on his laptop would have thought he was gay or a prostitute and wanted to pick him up. Since it would not have been appropriate, why does the OP think it's appropriate at the age of 2?

If the OP's child had been 15 years older the man working on his laptop would have thought he was gay or a prostitute and wanted to pick him up.* Are you for real?

WTAF Alliez?! That has to be one of the most bizarre posts I've ever read on MN,and that's saying something. I don't even know where to begin with that.

How on earth do you come to the conclusion that someone is a prostitute because they say hello to you in a cafe?

Glad it wasn't just me Witha, was wondering if I'd entered some parallel universe.

Another lesson to learn from this thread, along with don't let your toddler say hello to busy people, is when said toddler reaches 17 ensure that they also don't say hello to people for fear of being mistaken for a prostitute

Definitely not just you.

I'm anxiously awaiting enlightenment,Alliez.

YANBU. A small child is a person. He only said 'hello'. Had I of said hello to a person and they reacted in that way I would of been offended.

"Not everyone likes small children" And that makes it alright how? Some men don't like women but I wouldn't be happy with that as an explanation for someone being rude to me.

Children are people. Sometimes annoying people, yes, but the man could of said "hello" and politely continued with his work.