to think if you want to work in silence, don't go to a coffee shop

[whimsicalname]

I was in a chain coffee shop this morning, across the road from our city museum, waiting with my 2 year old for it to open.

I was drinking my coffee, he sat opposite me eating raisins. Other people were working, or chatting, or reading the paper. You know, doing normal coffee shop stuff.

After a while, the boy gets up to wander around. He's not running, he's not sticky, he's just mingling. He walked towards a man with a laptop. Stood nearby him, and then said hello. Man looked up at me, and said 'do you mind, I'm concentrating here' in a really unpleasant way.

If I'd been with a couple of friends chatting we'd have made a lot more noise but I can't help but feel he probably wouldn't have told us off!

We were across the road from the university library (which has some open access areas) and all of 200m away from the city central library, so plenty of options for quiet. Blimey, he could even have sat in the cathedral for some quiet contemplation.

AIBU or was he?

I hate this.

The libraries aren't safe either.... the amount of times when i have had my head stuck in a book/laptop and random, child has started to wax lyrical about god knows what, my reply of "I'm sorry sweetie I am busy at the moment" ensures an onslaught from said childs mother about what should i expect in a library with a childrens section, libraries are supposed to encourage children, go home if you dont want to be disturbed....

How about you talk to your child and leave me to go about my business thanks. I have precious few free child hours I refuse to waste a second of them on yours!!!

Yes I am a mardy cow but i dont give a coffee shop cupcake thanks!

He wasn't especially rude though, was he? He just didn't bother to sugar coat how he felt. He didn't feel obliged to you or your child and that's that. Tough luck.

"I'm sure I would have been more disruptive if I'd followed him around vetting who he spoke to."
Well that's really not the obvious alternative though, is it? The more usual thing is to call your son over and whisper "I think that gentleman would rather be left alone - he looks busy, doesn't he? Why don't you draw something for me on this paper napkin? Here, I've got a pen in my handbag you can use ... "

I wonder if the real AIBU is "AIBU to post on here about this horrid man as he made me feel foolish and now I am embarrassed"

YABU.
You wanted it on your terms. Had he picked up the child and given him a biscuit you would not have been happy!!
It is always-like my child-BUT-on my terms.

I'm probably a bit loopy. I tend to keep a few small toys or treats in my bag to give to children if they're upset,bored or just generally being cute and charming. I always ask the parents for permission of course. And I've probably made myself sound rather unhinged.

OP it is ur responsibility to guide your DS and teach them what is sensible behaviour in the places you choose to take them. IMHO letting a toddler loose in a coffee shop is a bad idea. usually those adults who want to interact with your kids make that clear with smiles waves etc. those who want to be left alone equally by thier actions and body language show that. if you DC is toddling about you should be watching and trying to intervene before they start over to someone like that. He doesn't have to like or want to interect with ur DC, he may have been blunt but who is to know what he was concentrating on. asking not to be pestered by OPC is not a crime, and it is not asking for silence. So YABU, if he had gone off on one asking for silence fair enough, but asking to be given space and not be pestered while you sit having peace & quiet.... fair enough!

This is all getting very complicated..

I'm off to say "Hello" to men working on laptops in coffee shops

' Why should anyone want to interact with your child? '

This kind of attitude (seen throughout this thread and often on MN) makes me really :( TBH. Actually, it makes me want to start wailing 'O, what has become of us?' in an overly dramatic voice whilst wringing my hands (whatever that actually looks like).

Why would anyone want to interact with anyone else? Why don't we all just zoom around in special sealed pods where we don't have to speak to anyone except our own families and carefully selected friends? Then we wouldn't have any pesky children or elderly people or weirdos who haven't properly learnt the rules of our unfriendly world disturbing our precious concentration!

LOL'd

'Nasty' really!

I seem to attract children where ever I go, I don?t mind, though I don?t have any of my own I have a pile of nieces, nephews, godchildren, friends children etc.

Just establishing myself as not a child hater here (or eater)

As said on so many threads here before all you are seeing is a snapshot of this man?s life you have no idea/ no context to place his behaviour in.
He was pleasant enough, he just didn?t want to interact with your child not everyone does.

In the way we can speculated that he was working & a child hater, you could also speculate that he is a bereaved father and spending time with your child could cause him a lot of pain.

You could speculate that he doesn?t have contact with children does know how to behave comfortable with them is terrified that he may do/say the wrong time and be accused of all sorts.

You could speculate that maybe what he was looking at was not suitable for toddlers eyes, I work in a type of medical research some of the images I look at are pretty gruesome. While it wouldn?t bother me to be scoffing a scone and viewing photos of necrotic bowel it may others.

Your title is misleading, and allowing your DC to wander around somewhere that there are hot liquids is dangerous, I have seen far too many children with burns and parents shocked and devastated at how quickly a toddler can move when they see something they want.

Actually some parents would be complaining if an unknown man had smiled at or spoken to their child. In fact I remember threads on here like that.

I'm,relatively,normal I promise.

I have found that there are a surprising number of people who think that other adults are going to be just thrilled to interact with their children. Please don't let your dc invade other people's space. For all you know that man might have had triplet toddlers at home and be desperate for half an hour of peace and quiet.

WithACherryOnTopFri 22-Jun-12 14:44:32

"I'm probably a bit loopy. I tend to keep a few small toys or treats in my bag to give to children if they're upset,bored or just generally being cute and charming. I always ask the parents for permission of course. And I've probably made myself sound rather unhinged"

Idea for new thread: Would you allow your child to accept toys or treats of a stranger in a coffee shop? ONLY JOKING - that one would never end.....

Really am off to a coffee shop to speak to men on laptops now.....

I am a child magnetAnd they do seem to have a habit of falling over in front of me,so the items come in handy.Perhaps they can detect the whiff of a mini Lindt bunny even through the foil,from a thousand yards away.

You do sounds lovely Cherry

i bet she trips 'em up

We were at a festival all last weekend, and my mates came along with their 5 yr old son.
The 5 yr old pestered us endlessly, wanting in our tent all the time, tramping mud in, fiddling with our stuff, interrupting our conversations to talk five year old guff, and generally just sitting there staring at us. When he wasn't in our tent, he was standing outside waiting to be allowed in.
We had left our two younger children with mil, and had only brought ds1 with us, because we did not want to spend the weekend looking after little ones.
As it turned out, we got this kid dumped on us instead.

His mum thinks he's lovely and sociable too.

Piss off kid!

No, that's nice WithACherryOnTop. I'd probably do the same if I came into contact with small children often enough god knows I carry everything else in that bag.

pictish

Not so much trip,as assist them with the slightest of pushes. Trip is too harsh a word.

I'm a fully paid-up member of the WorkingInCoffeeShops tribe. My dad calls it "grazing with the herd," which I quite like. I absolutely don't expect silence; what I do expect is a consistent whoosh of white noise and busyness all around me, but - and this is the crucial bit - without having to interact with it. I would hate it if anyone, regardless of age, randomly came up to me and started trying to have a conversation with me while I'm obviously staring at and typing on my laptop. A brief "I'm sorry, do you know what the time is" or "do you realise you have milk foam on your face" would be fine, but not an obvious intention of distracting me from my work for more than a moment. Even a noisy conversation at the next table, where I can hear everything being said, would be an irritant.

Yes, YWBU, not the man. Especially as it's obviously the cafe most university people go to. It will have its own culture, and it won't be the same as the one next door to soft play.

And besides, you really should be paying attention to all those other posters who think it's dangerous for you to let your child wander round a cafe with hot drinks everywhere. You are responsible for your child's safety, not anyone else.

YABU. I've had children, I'm very fond of children and I now have a toddler dgd whose company I enjoy enormously. But for all that, I don't think "mingling" is sensible, let alone pestering people who just want to be in a coffee shop minding their own business. Apart from the safety aspect, it's hugely presumptuous to assume everyone else will be charmed by your child. Or any child for that matter.

When my dcs were toddler age, on the comparatively rare occasions that I managed to escape for a child-free sit in a cafe or coffee shop, I revelled in it. I really didn't want to be forced to engage with other children although I wasn't so selfish as to assume children couldn't also enjoy being there.

My dgd has reached the age where she'd like nothing better to "mingle" especially as she's now talking - she's such a little social butterfly!! - but when I take her out to cafes, she sits in a high chair to charm any of the crowd who might be interested. At least that way anyone who'd prefer not to engage can easily ignore the cheerful "Hellos" and range of random instructions thrown in their direction. When she's had enough of sitting in a high chair we leave because we're not so important that we can disrupt everyone else. Let alone presume that they should take their business elsewhere if they aren't prepared to hold discussions with toddlers.

Most of us here (I think) don't really mind opc chatting though but we realise that not everyone likes children or wants to be disturbed by them. And why should they?

It all comes down to a matter of respect and expectations. Don't expect that everyone will want to chat to your kids or be polite to them. And respect that not all people have to like children.