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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to think if DH really loved me he would want another baby ...?

380 replies

WantsAnotherOne · 19/06/2012 16:55

Have N/C but suspect some of you might recognise me....i just don't want anyone from rl to

i know i am definitely probably being irrational and U

please wise MNers talk some sense into me...

i really want another DC. we have 2 already, aged 6 and 3. eldest DC is from my previous relationship.

i am 32 and DH is 40 but he just doesn't seem keen atm. saying things like we can't afford it at the moment, the kids are getting easier now they are older, we won't be able to do much without the dc as babysitting will become harder, there will be less room at home, we won't be able to afford to go on holiday (either with or without dcs) etc etc. he says he loves having time with just me and it will become so much harder if we had another one.

i do agree with his reasons to some extent but none of them are insurmountable. yes things would be harder but surely it would be worth it? they just all seem like excuses to me. we earn decent-ish money IMO. dh is on about 25k and i work part time earning about 5k a year and our housing costs are quite minimal.

i am a romantic though and can't help thinking that if he really loved me he would want to have another baby with me. it would be amazing for the dc to have another brother or sister, 3 has always been my "perfect number" of dc.
i also would like the experience of "trying" for a baby with someone i love as both dc were unplanned (although much wanted of course) and that makes me sad.

the 3 years since DH and I have had our youngest have been so happy and its been blissful raising her with the man i love as i never had that with my first dc as i wasn't with his dad. i am baby mad at the moment and incredibly broody :(

OP posts:

Whatmeworry · 19/06/2012 18:36

I'm turning this around to the 'father', who is actively preventing her having a third - he needs to understand the implications of this, on worst-case-scenario terms

You wot?

Anyway, surely the worst case scenario of having an unwanted child is much worse?

TheOldestCat · 19/06/2012 18:39

I love my DH to bits.

But we are never ever having another baby. Not ever. No way.

Still love him though.

OP, I'm sorry you aren't happy, but YABU.

WorraLiberty · 19/06/2012 18:40

It's quite a historical moment Graham

I can only assume notnanny is mistaking a baby for a kitten

Replace everything she's said with 'kitten' and even then it's still unreasonable.

Just a little less mad....

GrahamTribe · 19/06/2012 18:43

@ Worra. I nearly wrote "kitten" in the same context, but I reconsidered it in light of the fact that I think all adults in the family need to be in agreement before taking on a pet too.

So I wrote "bookcase" instead.

WorraLiberty · 19/06/2012 18:44

I was thinking nutcase

GrahamTribe · 19/06/2012 18:46

PMSL!!!!! Worra. I was about to take the punishment for saying what everyone else was thinking and risk getting deleted for my troubles. You got there first.

everlong · 19/06/2012 18:46

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ComposHat · 19/06/2012 18:50

I can only assume notnanny is mistaking a baby for a kitten

Replace everything she's said with 'kitten' and even then it's still unreasonable

Replace it with oral sex and it is hilarious.

IneedAbetterNicknameIn2012 · 19/06/2012 18:52

SIL told me that she wanted another baby, but that her DH didn't, for various reasons including money, and fitting 3 car seats in the back of his car (valid reasons IMO).
A few months later, she announced her pregnancy. When I mentioned her DH's previous reluctance, she just said 'Well I told him if he loved me he'd let me have one, and that if I left he wouldn't be able to see the DC' I was just and have to admit I wonder whether they will last the distance, or end up hating eachother!

Joiningthegang · 19/06/2012 18:52

Wow - notnanny was nOt joking ! How funny.

Op - you need to get a grip and your dh needs to get the snip.

AnnieLobeseder · 19/06/2012 18:54

notananny - of course the OP has the right to another child if she wants one. But her DH has an equal right to choose not to have one. So that leaves the OP well within her rights to leave him and find a man who does want another child.

Saying that men have no rights over whether or not they have children is very like the view of pro-lifers that women also have no right to decide whether they have children or not. Why would you unwillingly inflict parenthood on anyone who does not want it?

WorraLiberty · 19/06/2012 18:55

I'm turning this around to the 'father', who is actively preventing her having oral sex - he needs to understand the implications of this, on worst-case-scenario terms

Too bloody right he needs to understand!

cantspel · 19/06/2012 18:55

Ineed what is the betting she will be on here in a few years time moaning that her husband doesn't do anything with the kids and she has to do it all

everlong · 19/06/2012 18:56

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

HmmThinkingAboutIt · 19/06/2012 18:59

Any guy reading this, will suddenly see surgery on his testicles as an attractive proposition.

Seriously notnanny, rather than getting upset, I'd like to understand the logic behind your feelings and why parental responsibility is only up to women to make the decision about?

ShullBit · 19/06/2012 19:06

For crying out loud, it isn't a right to have a child and just because you have a vagina, doesn't mean you should have more say as to how many children you should have. If a woman can get pregnant herself, fair dos but considering she needs the fathers sperm, he should have an equal say.

And Notnanny, try saying that to my Nan who has had to bury 3 of her children. Should she of had 3 extra "just in case"? What utter rubbish. She does have 3 others, 3 others who do fuck all for her and her being in such a state, that she is an alcoholic emotional wreck and I doubt will ever get over the deaths of her children.

So, given the fact the remainder 3 are gits, does that mean she should of had an extra 6 just in case?

OP, you are being unreasonable but I do understand where you are coming from. After our first, I wanted so much to have another but DP didn't. I too wanted another chance to do it all right, as I had failed breastfeeding and hadn't planned etc, and my magic number had always been 2. I did sort of resent him a bit, but respected his wishes nevertheless. 5 years later, we got engaged, and he completely did a U turn whilst talking about the wedding ie how it would be nice if we had our own flower girl. Next month, I got my positive, and although 9 months later I gave birth to another boy, I still couldn't of been happier. I finally felt complete (weirdly) and REALLY do NOT want anymore myself now so know how DP had felt. I would hate for him to decide that he does want more and therefore I don't love him if I don't, given the fact I respected his wishes at the time.

It goes both ways, but as I say, I do understand. You do get over the broodiness, and he might change his mind. You never know.

IneedAbetterNicknameIn2012 · 19/06/2012 19:08

I agree, it is horrible, and like I said, I wonder how there future will pan out! TBH I imagine they will stay together 'for the children' (neither of their families seem to agree with divorce, and I know they look down on me for being a single parent)

OP, I know how you feel. I would love a 3rd. My now ex was adamant he didn't want anymore, and I agreed that we would talk about it again in a few years, while trying to resign myself to the fact that I will probably never have another baby. I would never have blackmailed him into having one.

I also find it bizarre that if a child dies it'll be ok that that individual person has gone because we've a spare in the cupboard under the stairs This reminds me of another comment my SIL made (she is rather odd) when I said I couldn't believe my youngest was 5, and how he was growing up too fast. She said 'just have another, then it doesn't matter' Yea, because having another baby stops the one I have from growing up!

ShakeWhatYourMamaGaveYou · 19/06/2012 19:10

Since when did men choose when women should and shouldn't have a baby?

Ummm because in a marriage you create and raise dc together so actually men do have as much of a right in the decision making. And if he doesn't want anymore then I don't see why he should be forced into it. Just like if a women didn't want anymore she shouldn't have to either.

Unless of course op wants to leave dh and get a sperm donor to have her third on her own.

StuntGirl · 19/06/2012 19:28

YANBU to want another child.

YABVVVVVVU to even think the 'if he really loved me...' line.

Nanny's views align quite scarily close with my very religious, old fashioned traditional Catholic grandmother's. Just wondering if Nanny is coming from a similar stance?

AThingInYourLife · 19/06/2012 19:34

"just because you have a vagina, doesn't mean you should have more say as to how many children you should have."

It's not the vagina, it's the whole gestation/giving birth/breastfeeding thing that means you should have more say.

monkeymoma · 19/06/2012 19:36

well my grandmother's "spares" did nothing to ease the pain of the child she lost, in fact she never bonded with the ones that she had after that child! - the older ones only had a relationship with her because they remembered her prior to the bereavement! It didn't matter that she had 4 "spares", her soul died when her daughter died, she never recovered! NOTHING made it better, not the 4 others, nothing!

MrsHelsBels74 · 19/06/2012 19:38

I don't think that's a valid point at all, children are a lifelong commitment & when compared to that I think the time you spend pregnant/breast feeding etc is a relatively short period of time compared to the rest of your life.

What would happen if OP's husband gave in & the third child grew up being resented by its father? That's not fair is it?

And notnanny, I'm sorry but you're bonkers IMO, you can't have children just in case something happens to one of the existing children.

AllYoursBabooshka · 19/06/2012 19:39

notnanny Liz Jones You cannot be serious!

littlemisssarcastic · 19/06/2012 19:39

YouOldSlag "Hmm. Tricky one. IMO you never regret the children you have, but you can regret the children you didn't have."

I'm sure there are more parents who secretly do regret having their children/more children than we like to think, it's just not the done thing to actually admit it. Bringing up children is bloody hard work (not suggesting you are unaware of that btw) and I know of a few parents who didn't realise just how difficult it was going to be, and for that reason alone, wish they had either stopped at 2/3/4 etc, or in one case, a very close friend of mine, whilst not wishing her child did not exist, certainly regrets having her baby. The way she put it to me was that she wishes she was not a mother, although she is glad her child exists, if only she was not the parent. She has only confided this in a few people, because she feels awfully guilty about it, yet that doesn't detract from her feelings of regret at having a baby.

Some people do regret having children, but very few will admit to feeling this way.

MrsHelsBels74 · 19/06/2012 19:40

Valid point was at a thing btw

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