Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think if DH really loved me he would want another baby ...?

380 replies

WantsAnotherOne · 19/06/2012 16:55

Have N/C but suspect some of you might recognise me....i just don't want anyone from rl to

i know i am definitely probably being irrational and U

please wise MNers talk some sense into me...

i really want another DC. we have 2 already, aged 6 and 3. eldest DC is from my previous relationship.

i am 32 and DH is 40 but he just doesn't seem keen atm. saying things like we can't afford it at the moment, the kids are getting easier now they are older, we won't be able to do much without the dc as babysitting will become harder, there will be less room at home, we won't be able to afford to go on holiday (either with or without dcs) etc etc. he says he loves having time with just me and it will become so much harder if we had another one.

i do agree with his reasons to some extent but none of them are insurmountable. yes things would be harder but surely it would be worth it? they just all seem like excuses to me. we earn decent-ish money IMO. dh is on about 25k and i work part time earning about 5k a year and our housing costs are quite minimal.

i am a romantic though and can't help thinking that if he really loved me he would want to have another baby with me. it would be amazing for the dc to have another brother or sister, 3 has always been my "perfect number" of dc.
i also would like the experience of "trying" for a baby with someone i love as both dc were unplanned (although much wanted of course) and that makes me sad.

the 3 years since DH and I have had our youngest have been so happy and its been blissful raising her with the man i love as i never had that with my first dc as i wasn't with his dad. i am baby mad at the moment and incredibly broody :(

OP posts:
yeshewouldyouknow · 21/06/2012 08:11

But you're assuming that a baby would cause unhappiness to the siblings and dh, when it is more likely to bring them joy.

WhiteWidow · 21/06/2012 08:17

And you're the one assuming that it would bring joy. We've more reason to believe it would bring bitterness, resentment and a lot of cutbacks.

You can't bring a baby into the world based on 'it might'

Bunbaker · 21/06/2012 08:21

"And whitewidow, really do give it up now...you're on to a loser"

yeshewouldyouknow I don't agree, you are making a lot of assumptions here. Not everyone is a maternal baby making machine. Maybe you take having another baby in your stride. For some the massive change in lifestyle from 2 to 3 is just too much and feels like a step backwards when they have just got their life back together.

yeshewouldyouknow · 21/06/2012 08:22

Oh god, am actually laughing now, white widow what an angry lady you are! Why is that? I have never ever said that I would expect my dh to do something for me that would cause him unhappiness! Please calm down and stop calling me names. I do not believe that a baby would cause the ops dh great unhappiness but it is pretty certain that not having one will cause her a lot of unhappiness.

And bluegrass, I presume all single mothers should have abortions then, given the unfairness of bringing a child into the world who is unwanted by one parent?

This is my last post here....I really do have more to do than argue with you all all day. Op, I wish you well. Rest of you, sorry that someone with a happy healthy unselfish approach to relationships gets you all foaming at the mouth so - you need to take a good look at your attitude towards other women and perhaps even your own relationships as they appear to be based on pleasing yourselves!

WhiteWidow · 21/06/2012 08:24

You're expecting the OP's DH to do something he doesn't want to do, for 'love'. That's not love, that's blackmail and pressure.

Bunbaker · 21/06/2012 08:26

"I do not believe that a baby would cause the ops dh great unhappiness but it is pretty certain that not having one will cause her a lot of unhappiness."

It might cause resentment though. He could say "well you wanted it, you look after it". Why do you consider it unreasonable to take the husband's feelings into consideration? The fact that he doesn't want another is just as valid that she does.

Chubfuddler · 21/06/2012 09:02

I'm thinking of how unhappy it would make me, my husband and our two childr

Chubfuddler · 21/06/2012 09:02

Stupid phone

Children if I developed ante natal depression. Amongst other reasons.

AllPastYears · 21/06/2012 09:07

"more likely to bring them joy"? Confused Why on earth would you think this?

I for one don't want another baby - if I had one I'd be devastated. My life is fine as it is and would not be enhanced by another child.

niceguy2 · 21/06/2012 09:14

I just thank the lord I'm not married to yeshewould.

lowestpriority · 21/06/2012 10:40

Well that's all my problems resolved then.
All I have to do now is tell my STBXH that he has completely enriched my life by nagging me into having more DCs, because it has made him happy!

We will put all our arguments, resentments and bitterness behind us, get back together and, hey, why not have another DC? This will make my DH soooooo happy, and that is ultimately my goal in life, to make sure HE is happy, isn't it?

Me? Oh I'll just keep churning out a new one every year, until DH tells me to stop as it's starting to make HIM unhappy now.

Whatmeworry · 21/06/2012 10:47

So, let us assume the OP gets herself pregnant. What should the DH then do?

TroublesomeEx · 21/06/2012 10:49

Well if the OP gets herself pregnant, then the DH won't have played any part in it! Wink

As far as I know, it is not possible for a woman to get herself pregnant.

If her DH doesn't want to have another baby, there are things he can do to be sure of not impregnating her.

DashingRedhead · 21/06/2012 10:50

To be fair to the OP, I don't believe she would. She said that everyone giving her a kick up the arse had done her good.

Chubfuddler · 21/06/2012 10:51

Yes folk girl, but in a living relationship you should be able to trust that if your partner says she is on the pill or had the injection or has a coil she is telling the truth. She's already lied about contraception once in order to get pregnant.

Cockwomble · 21/06/2012 10:51

If her DH doesn't want to have another baby, there are things he can do to be sure of not impregnating her. She could be cunning and take the pins to the condoms!

Just kiddin

TroublesomeEx · 21/06/2012 10:53

Yes, chubfuddler and her DH knows this and how much she wants a baby and that she is disregarding his opinion on the matter.

I would suggest he'd be a fool to believe her saying that she has taken care of contraception - she has, as you have pointed out, already proved herself to be untrustworthy in this matter.

She still cannot get herself pregnant. If he doesn't want a baby, he doesn't need to have one. If he trusts her that little, he could always abstain. It is an option!

KitCat26 · 21/06/2012 11:05

Not read the rest so probably all been said before but:

You cannot say 'if he loved me he would' that is irrational and emotional blackmail. Besides, he could equally turn around and say 'well if you loved me you wouldn't...' Stalemate.

Why don't you discuss it properly but eventually you will both have to decide and whether or not to have another child is not something you can compromise on.

Personally I wanted a third child about a year ago. DH did not. We left it. Now I've changed my mind and agree with him. Nothing has put me off more than having two toddler monkeys.

weatherrain · 21/06/2012 11:14

Gosh what a plonker. Not the OP, she seems reasonable, the other one I mean. The "oh babies are a joy, shut up and churn them out" one.

Chubfuddler · 21/06/2012 11:20

Unless she does a Liz jones with the condom!

Whatmeworry · 21/06/2012 11:36

She still cannot get herself pregnant. If he doesn't want a baby, he doesn't need to have one. If he trusts her that little, he could always abstain. It is an option!

I think this is exactly the issue going forward - OP's DH either has to abstain, or check every condom is un-pricked and never forget to flush it down the loo, or have a snip. At some point surely he says "life is too short..."?

WhiteWidow · 21/06/2012 19:34

He'd be a fool to not think she'd purposely get pregnant by condom pricking etc? Why would he be a fool for trusting his wife? He should be able too.

Christ if this was the other way round (if it were possible) people would be up in arms.

Dprince · 21/06/2012 19:46

I am confused by yes's comments.
She says her he would do whatever it it takes to make her happy. But says she wouldn't force him to do anything that made him unhappy.
Well the in the OPs situation, it will make the dh unhappy. Also its not about siding with the man or having a particular view of men or women. Its about bringing a child into the world that is not completely wanted. This child will probably be effected by this and pick up on it.
Children are not always a positive thing. Especially if its not wanted and born out of blackmail and trickery.

exoticfruits · 22/06/2012 07:13

If you are only going to have a baby out of trickery and blackmail I don't think that you are responsible enough to be a parent.
WhiteWidow is quite right.
Trust and honesty come first with me.

LurkingAndLearningForNow · 22/06/2012 08:15

Jeez I'm only 20 next month and DP and I have a less insane/sexist relationship than 'babes fix everything!' lady.

DP wants a baby now, I don't. He respects that and we're waiting.

Tre story.

Swipe left for the next trending thread