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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think if DH really loved me he would want another baby ...?

380 replies

WantsAnotherOne · 19/06/2012 16:55

Have N/C but suspect some of you might recognise me....i just don't want anyone from rl to

i know i am definitely probably being irrational and U

please wise MNers talk some sense into me...

i really want another DC. we have 2 already, aged 6 and 3. eldest DC is from my previous relationship.

i am 32 and DH is 40 but he just doesn't seem keen atm. saying things like we can't afford it at the moment, the kids are getting easier now they are older, we won't be able to do much without the dc as babysitting will become harder, there will be less room at home, we won't be able to afford to go on holiday (either with or without dcs) etc etc. he says he loves having time with just me and it will become so much harder if we had another one.

i do agree with his reasons to some extent but none of them are insurmountable. yes things would be harder but surely it would be worth it? they just all seem like excuses to me. we earn decent-ish money IMO. dh is on about 25k and i work part time earning about 5k a year and our housing costs are quite minimal.

i am a romantic though and can't help thinking that if he really loved me he would want to have another baby with me. it would be amazing for the dc to have another brother or sister, 3 has always been my "perfect number" of dc.
i also would like the experience of "trying" for a baby with someone i love as both dc were unplanned (although much wanted of course) and that makes me sad.

the 3 years since DH and I have had our youngest have been so happy and its been blissful raising her with the man i love as i never had that with my first dc as i wasn't with his dad. i am baby mad at the moment and incredibly broody :(

OP posts:
mummymeister · 19/06/2012 17:43

so notnanny if he needs to understand the implications (and others have already commented on your ideas of these) then why doesnt she need to understand the implications if she does go ahead and have a third child like they might not be able to manage financially or that he would feel differently or a million other things.

GrahamTribe · 19/06/2012 17:45

No, notnanny, the "father" (why the inverted commas?) is not preventing the OP from having a third child. He's saying that he doesn't want to father a third.

What do you want? That he agrees to become a sperm donor so that the OP can have what she wants, regardless of the potential cost to the existing children and the marriage?

MrsTerryPratchett · 19/06/2012 17:46

There are a million what ifs... What if the new baby is very disabled and they can't cope? What happens if she dies in childbirth or gets serious post-partum psychosis? What if he dies? What if the zombie apocalypse comes?

mummakaz · 19/06/2012 17:47

YABU, if you loved him you wouldn't try and get him to have another baby that he didn't want

GrahamTribe · 19/06/2012 17:48

"What if the zombie apocalypse comes?"

I can solve that one. You dig out your OFRS of course!

OldGreyWiffleTest · 19/06/2012 17:48

Notnanny - I think your logic is a bit screwed tbh.

GinPalace · 19/06/2012 17:48

The baby won't be 'hers' though - it will be 'theirs' so he has to also want it.

You can't force yourself to want something you don't. Obviously he needs to examine his feelings on the matter honestly and carefully, in order to give due respect to his partners heartfelt wish, but equally so does she. No child should be born with only one parent of the two who are going to be raising it actually pleased to be doing so. That isn't fair on anyone, including the one who wanted the child in the first place.

Even if Notnanny's worst-case scenario occurred having the extra child would solve nor change anything. The more likely scenario is all the children lived and the family unit has to be sustainable for all within it under that assumption. If the Dh feels it would be too much for whatever reason, the implications of going ahead anyway could be dire for all involved.

Ephiny · 19/06/2012 17:50

YABU I'm afraid. There's not necessarily any connection between how much someone loves their partner, and how many children they want to have.

I don't really see what you'd gain from having another child, other than having the 'experience of trying for a baby' Confused, and that doesn't seem a good enough reason to me to justify the extra expense and time and hard work on your/DH's part, your existing children having less space and fewer holidays etc, the two of you having less time together as a couple.

As he's the main earner in your family (and not on a particularly high salary) he might well be feeling under a lot of pressure, which would surely increase with another child.

I find the 'spare child' argument quite bizarre too. Does anyone really think losing a child would be less devastating if you're a parent of three rather than two? Seriously? Confused I really don't think it works that way.

Sidge · 19/06/2012 17:51

But what if he agrees to another baby because he loves you, and then the love turns to resentment and bitterness over the years because he is raising a child he never really wanted?

Then you could have the 3 children you want but be without the husband you love.

GrahamTribe · 19/06/2012 17:51

I wonder if the OP and notnanny would see it in quite the same light if the DH said, sure I'll agree to a third, but only if you care for it without my input. No help with night feeds or soothing a screamer, you have to earn the extra income, no help with funding a bigger car, nothing. You want it, you do it, because I don't want to and I don't think it's a good idea.

I suspect they'd be apopleptic with rage at the very idea.

monkeymoma · 19/06/2012 17:52

YAB totally U!
there is no correlation whatsoever
I love my DH to death however if he wanted a big family (which I don't), loving him would not change my mind unfortunately!

ComposHat · 19/06/2012 17:52

he needs to understand the implications of this, on worst-case-scenario terms

My Uncle and Aunt lost one of their five children to 'cot death' seriously not nanny you don't think that they didn't go through utter anguish and despair or their grief for my cousin was lessened as they still had four children left? His death was the worst case scenario.

WhereYouLeftIt · 19/06/2012 17:54

You know you are being unreasonable, but I'll say it anyway - YABU. Just look at what you are saying :-
"i am a romantic though and can't help thinking that if he really loved me he would want to have another baby with me."
Romantic? Is that really a good reason to bring another human into being, because you want to see yourself as romantic and impulsive? And to see him as swept away by the emotion of it all, rather than the real person that he is? (As you can probably guess, I do not value romantic notions. It has always seemed to me to be a premise used to diddle people (mostly women), to make them settle for less than they should because to demand their rights is too matter-of-fact and therefore not "romantic".)

" it would be amazing for the dc to have another brother or sister"
Amazing for who? I expect they'd take it in their stride, as most children do. Pretty much as they'd take it in their stride to not have another brother or sister. You're projecting your desires onto them. Even if they were to say these words (at 6 and 3) I'd assume they were parroting you.

"3 has always been my "perfect number" of dc."
Why? Have you got any solid reasons for this? Were you one of 3? Would you have liked to be one of 3? Were people whom you liked one of 3? You must have a reason for this, have you thought about what it is?

"i also would like the experience of "trying" for a baby with someone i love as both dc were unplanned (although much wanted of course) and that makes me sad."
Again, why? What do you think it is like that you so much want to experience this?

I know you say you are broody, and this does tend to be heavy on the irrationality, but the reasons he gives are solid, and the reasons you give are wispy and vague. It's a very big decision, and it affects you, him, the existing children, the child-that-might-be, even the grandparents and the wider family.

Oh, and I know you said you never have and never would say "if you loved me ..." to him but you ARE thinking it. What would you attach to the words "if you loved him"?

Dinosaurhunter · 19/06/2012 17:54

Yabu

SirSugar · 19/06/2012 17:58

Hes thinking practically, you are thinking emotionally - not sure how you are going to overcome that but its not about whether he really loves you

notnanny · 19/06/2012 17:58

I still can't believe I'm the only person here who thinks that OP has a right to have another baby if she thinks it's the right time for her.

I can't imagine anyone ever telling someone they share their life with that they won't let them do that unless there's a major, major reason.

ThisAintKansas · 19/06/2012 17:59

YABU. I'm sorry.

I know what it feels like when your heart pangs for another. I truly do sympathise with you. But surely, now that you have a life and family together, this sort of decision - to extend your family - should be something you enter into together - or not at all?

I also don't think that bringing 'love' into things in this way is helpful or fair. Your DH could say 'if you loved me and the kids you've already got, you'd forget about another baby'. See what I mean? It's a low blow. Don't do it.

DashingRedhead · 19/06/2012 17:59

What if the DH has a zombie plan and it's only for four??????

Seriously, OP, I don't mean to take the mickey, but I honestly don't think it's about him not loving you enough. From all you've said he sounds like a loving partner and father, I don't think you should be turning a third baby into a hoop for him to jump through. I really believe that nobody should ever start a sentence with 'If you really loved me you would...'.

HeadsShouldersKneesandToes · 19/06/2012 17:59

Don't be silly.

Loving you and wanting another baby are two completely different, independent things. He can do either one without the other.

On the other hand, if you really love him you will not force him to have a 3rd child against his will. Being able to make peace with the fact that it is not appropriate to have something that you want is something that grownups need to be able to do.

You've got to stop some time, and if you're the broody type what's to stop you feeling exactly the same 2 years after DC3 was born - and then again 2 years after DC4 was born? At what point are you going to start letting your love for DH over-rule your desire for a cute little baby to cuddle?

Ephiny · 19/06/2012 18:00

And actually, re the experience of 'trying for a baby' - well obviously you get to have lots of sex :), but you can do that anyway, and other than that it's a fairly tedious, frustrating process, especially when it takes a long time. If you were lucky enough for your two to 'just happen' and be wanted, I'd say you haven't missed out on much!

GrahamTribe · 19/06/2012 18:01

"I still can't believe I'm the only person here who thinks that OP has a right to have another baby if she thinks it's the right time for her."

FFS, once again, will you please understand the difference - the DH isn't stopping her from having another baby!!! He's merely unwilling to father it.

And there's no such thing as a "right" to a baby at all, imo.

Ishoes · 19/06/2012 18:02

YANBU op-Its not wrong to feel disappointed that your dh doesnt want another baby. I think that very,very few people regret having dcs even if they end up with more than they originally planned for-what would he have done if you had had twins for example?-send one back because he didnt want a 3rd?Hmm

I have 3 dcs-dh only wanted 2 but he was too scared/lazy to go for the snip and we were careless-hey ho we have a 3rd and he is a joy!!

My mil had 3 dcs and one died. She has always said she bitterly regrets not having more dcs-not to replace her lost ds but because she wanted her family complete.

If your dh is adamant about not wanting a 3rd then he has to take responsibility for preventing it imo.

GinPalace · 19/06/2012 18:03

I think all people mum's and dads have a 'right' not to be coerced into being a parent when they truly don't want to be. I can't imagine doing that to someone I loved and shared my life with.

I do however, agree he needs to be aware how important it is to OP and to give it due serious consideration and be able to discuss the matter with her, and be prepared to explain his position on the matter, not just dismiss her feelings and expect her to forget all about it.

eurochick · 19/06/2012 18:04

Ephiny I popped onto this thread to add that point.

OP, don't romanticise the idea of trying for a baby. It's kinda fun for the first month or two. And then it just becomes progressively more soul-destroying each month.

monkeymoma · 19/06/2012 18:05

"FFS, once again, will you please understand the difference - the DH isn't stopping her from having another baby!!! He's merely unwilling to father it."

exactly! him not wanting to be a father of 3 is not akin to him sterilising her, she could still go it alone with a donor if she wanted to he's not locking her up and preventing her!