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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think if DH really loved me he would want another baby ...?

380 replies

WantsAnotherOne · 19/06/2012 16:55

Have N/C but suspect some of you might recognise me....i just don't want anyone from rl to

i know i am definitely probably being irrational and U

please wise MNers talk some sense into me...

i really want another DC. we have 2 already, aged 6 and 3. eldest DC is from my previous relationship.

i am 32 and DH is 40 but he just doesn't seem keen atm. saying things like we can't afford it at the moment, the kids are getting easier now they are older, we won't be able to do much without the dc as babysitting will become harder, there will be less room at home, we won't be able to afford to go on holiday (either with or without dcs) etc etc. he says he loves having time with just me and it will become so much harder if we had another one.

i do agree with his reasons to some extent but none of them are insurmountable. yes things would be harder but surely it would be worth it? they just all seem like excuses to me. we earn decent-ish money IMO. dh is on about 25k and i work part time earning about 5k a year and our housing costs are quite minimal.

i am a romantic though and can't help thinking that if he really loved me he would want to have another baby with me. it would be amazing for the dc to have another brother or sister, 3 has always been my "perfect number" of dc.
i also would like the experience of "trying" for a baby with someone i love as both dc were unplanned (although much wanted of course) and that makes me sad.

the 3 years since DH and I have had our youngest have been so happy and its been blissful raising her with the man i love as i never had that with my first dc as i wasn't with his dad. i am baby mad at the moment and incredibly broody :(

OP posts:
HMQueenElizabeth · 19/06/2012 18:06

notnanny your opinions on this thread absolutely amaze me. You are verging on the ridiculous.

DoItRight · 19/06/2012 18:12

You say you want another baby with someone you love but I can't help but think the love might not last if he feels he's been forced into another child. Resentment can very easily eat away at a relationship. Obviously that goes both ways but this situation is never easy. And I speak as someone who is in the same situation as you and am hoping DH will change his mind by himself...

ashesgirl · 19/06/2012 18:14

It's not wrong to want another baby but it is wrong to tell him he doesn't love you if he won't have another.

YABVU.

HmmThinkingAboutIt · 19/06/2012 18:14

Question to nanny: If you had a baby with an unwilling man, would you pursue him for maintenance...?

Nice to see a guy taking responsibility and being mature tbh.

naturalbaby · 19/06/2012 18:17

YABU and broody.

I've been there and done that, it wasn't fun in any way what so ever. Not recommended. Things are o.k now but the journey to get here has not been pretty or dignified!

Noqontrol · 19/06/2012 18:18

I always wanted 3 as well, Dh only wanted 1, eventually he compromised on 2. I asked him if he'd consider a 3rd, but he said no, so that's that really. Kids are a lot of work and I have to respect Dh's opinion on that.

notnanny · 19/06/2012 18:20

I've never seen a thread that is quite so extremely one sided. All she wants is another baby from the man who says he loves her. I'm being seriously flamed now and I'm not happy about it.

Of course she could just go and have one with someone else, which seems to be the suggestion. Maybe I'm just old - I've seen so many men do this to women, it makes my blood boil. There is nearly always regret on the part of the woman but they don't notice it until years later.

AThingInYourLife · 19/06/2012 18:21

"Loving you and wanting another baby are two completely different, independent things."

Not to me.

Wanting to have, and then having, children with my husband is a very important part of our love for one another.

If I wanted another child and he refused to have one that would affect how I felt about him and my understanding of how he feels about me.

He has told me in the past that if I wanted a child it's not something he would want to refuse me.

I'm sure he has his limits (I think it's 5) and I would never want to reach them. But I know my desire for children (as the one who carries and feeds them) counts for a lot to him, and I really appreciate that.

saintmerryweather · 19/06/2012 18:22

nobody has the right to a baby notnanny

Dprince · 19/06/2012 18:23

I hope the OP is reading notnannys posts and realising how insane they are. It may be what she needs.
Notnanny, many threads are one sided on here. It means the OP is bu.

everlong · 19/06/2012 18:24

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

defineme · 19/06/2012 18:25

YABU
Feel sad for a bit and then move on.
Write a list of all the things you're going to do now you won't be having a baby-positive things!

Dprince · 19/06/2012 18:25

Athing so what if you wanted a sixth or seventh. The OPs dh has decided his limit is 2. Why is it different?

GrahamTribe · 19/06/2012 18:25

"All"?????

"All" she wants, notnanny?

Do you have any idea what you're talking about? A baby is a huge commitment. "All she wants" is a lifetime's commitment, potentially damaging to the couple's financial stability, other 2 DC and marriage, someone which may pop out healthy or may pop out severely disabled, someone who may cause lengthy mental health conditions in the OP, who needs to be wanted by both parents. WTF do you mean "al she wants"? You speak as if the OP is asking her DH to agree to having a new bookcase, not a human being!

cantspel · 19/06/2012 18:26

What if the man wanted a third and the woman didn't does he have the right to force her to have a child she doesn't want?

Otr does it only work the other way round because women should always get what they want over the wishes of a mere man.

Iggly · 19/06/2012 18:26

YABU

I want a third I am mad

DH does not he is sane

We go with DH as I'm not forcing the issue and understand why we should stop at 2. I'm worrying about contraceptive failures already!

YouOldSlag · 19/06/2012 18:29

Hmm. Tricky one. IMO you never regret the children you have, but you can regret the children you didn't have.

However, don't pressure him into having a baby he really doesn't want. You have two- count your blessings. You are just getting to the stage where everything is easier and now you want to start all over again.

He obviously wants some quality of life back, and I don't see what's wrong with that.

If he was stopping you having ANY children I would suggest leaving him*, but you have two. Three is a desire, not a necessity.

*I know that sounds extreme but in my case having children was a deal breaker. Luckily DH was on same page.

AmazingBouncingFerret · 19/06/2012 18:29

Anyone else humming Ace of Base now, after the "all that she wants.."comment? Grin

cantspel · 19/06/2012 18:30

AThingInYourLife are you expecting to breast fed these 5 children for 18 years after all it is only you who can carry and fed them?

OhNoMyFanjo · 19/06/2012 18:30

Yes you a being a bit unreasonable, but not to worry cause notnanny has put you in tge shade with her totally unbelievable views.

everlong · 19/06/2012 18:30

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

GrahamTribe · 19/06/2012 18:31

Yep, I sure am, Ferret! Grin

notnanny, I don't believe that you answered the question about claiming maintanance having had a baby by an unwilling man. I'm looking forward to your answer.

WorraLiberty · 19/06/2012 18:34

notnanny There are not many people in this world who have rendered me speechless but some of your posts have made my jaw hit the keyboard Shock

Chubfuddler · 19/06/2012 18:35

Well I'm "doing this" to my husband. He wants another and I don't. If he said to me "you'd have another baby if you really loved me" I'd go fucking mental to be perfectly honest. Real rage.

GrahamTribe · 19/06/2012 18:36

"notnanny There are not many people in this world who have rendered me speechless but some of your posts have made my jaw hit the keyboard"

Fuck me, that is a first! Grin Now look what you've gorne and done, notnanny!