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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think if DH really loved me he would want another baby ...?

380 replies

WantsAnotherOne · 19/06/2012 16:55

Have N/C but suspect some of you might recognise me....i just don't want anyone from rl to

i know i am definitely probably being irrational and U

please wise MNers talk some sense into me...

i really want another DC. we have 2 already, aged 6 and 3. eldest DC is from my previous relationship.

i am 32 and DH is 40 but he just doesn't seem keen atm. saying things like we can't afford it at the moment, the kids are getting easier now they are older, we won't be able to do much without the dc as babysitting will become harder, there will be less room at home, we won't be able to afford to go on holiday (either with or without dcs) etc etc. he says he loves having time with just me and it will become so much harder if we had another one.

i do agree with his reasons to some extent but none of them are insurmountable. yes things would be harder but surely it would be worth it? they just all seem like excuses to me. we earn decent-ish money IMO. dh is on about 25k and i work part time earning about 5k a year and our housing costs are quite minimal.

i am a romantic though and can't help thinking that if he really loved me he would want to have another baby with me. it would be amazing for the dc to have another brother or sister, 3 has always been my "perfect number" of dc.
i also would like the experience of "trying" for a baby with someone i love as both dc were unplanned (although much wanted of course) and that makes me sad.

the 3 years since DH and I have had our youngest have been so happy and its been blissful raising her with the man i love as i never had that with my first dc as i wasn't with his dad. i am baby mad at the moment and incredibly broody :(

OP posts:
monkeymoma · 19/06/2012 19:40

"It's not the vagina, it's the whole gestation/giving birth/breastfeeding thing that means you should have more say"

no! you have a say about when YOU want to stop having kids, you have NO say as to when someone else wants to stop having kids - it has nothing to do with gender

you cannot demand another person has a baby they don't want, regardless of sex

the OP CAN have more children, she just can't demant that her DH does!

notnanny · 19/06/2012 19:44

Well if there is anyone out there who might dare to be unhappy about their DP not wanting them to have another baby, god help them because you lot won't! OP certainly hasn't come back with any 'thanks for the insight' type comments.

Of course I'm upset at being flamed. I have a right to be upset.

I'm sorry your Nan lost 3 children and and the last remainig 3 are 'gits', Shullbit. Having 'spares in the cupboard' wasn't my point. My point was that any partner that tells the other person in no uncertain terms that they shouldn't have another baby despite the other partner being very upset about it needs to know that if they force this, they may regret it later, and if they don't their partner may regret it.

That's all. As you were.

monkeymoma · 19/06/2012 19:45

"Hmm. Tricky one. IMO you never regret the children you have, but you can regret the children you didn't have."

rubbish! examples I know of:
eldest child regularly hears her mother yell at her father that she wishes she'ld never made a stupid mistake and got knocked up by him (Irish catholics so wont divorce). She doesn't regret her younger 2

Babysat for a woman who very obviously regreted having her eldest, she blatently wishes that her youngest was her only. Her eldest is very aware of this.

Friend who regrets becomming a single mum from a ONS decades later.

Woman at a training day recently (was about working with children so it was in context) says she loves all her children but regrets not stopping at 2 because she cannot stretch her finances and time amongst them all

monkeymoma · 19/06/2012 19:46

"Well if there is anyone out there who might dare to be unhappy about their DP not wanting them to have another baby, god help them because you lot won't!"

noone thinks she is UR to be broody, everyone sympathises about THAT
its a step beyond however to say her husband would become a father to another child if he loved her!

McHappyPants2012 · 19/06/2012 19:46

if you really loved DH then you would repect his choice that he doesn't want another baby

ShullBit · 19/06/2012 19:48

Breastfeeding, birth etc don't really come into it. The end result for the woman and man, is a child they have to emotional and financially look after. And it doesn't just stop as soon as the children hit 18 either. Both will parent the child so both should have an equal say. The OP can hardly throw in his face that she has more say because she carries, gives birth and maybe breastfeeds the child as she wants to do all that. She can choose whether she wants to go through it, and the OP does. It isn't like her husband is forcing her to go through it so hardly a fair argument.

everlong · 19/06/2012 19:49

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

notnanny · 19/06/2012 19:53

everlong I know.

PatheticTrumpet · 19/06/2012 19:53

You are entitled to feel how you feel - your DH is also entitled to feel how he feels. You are both entitled to your own feelings - however you work through differing "wants" is a difficult one .....

I was in the same position 4 years ago - DH has 3 kids from previous marriage and always made it clear he didn't want any more and I was happy with that - it's just when the broody button is pressed it changes everything doesn't it?

I changed my mind - it wasnt the best of times.

We have a lively child of our own now - DH finally agreed and mostly it has been fine - he is a gOod dad but there are moments ......

IMO yes it's changed the dynamics of our faulty but we are more balanced now.

McHappyPants2012 · 19/06/2012 20:00

I didn't want any children, but i had one as DH was very broody. I love DS dearly and wouldn't want to spend a nano second without him.
I hope i don't sound like the worlds worst mum, because i wish i had waited.

I would love to do alot with my life, but i am 26 and i feel old, swamped down with responsibility, debts and bills. Some days i look at my friends lives out every weekend, hoildays by the pool and alot more exciting life and i really do wish it was me.

everlong · 19/06/2012 20:01

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Trills · 19/06/2012 20:02

YABVU.

It is very unreasonable to think that someone only loves you if they agree to everything that you want, especially if

1- they don't want it
2- they think that it won't actually make you happier in the long run

Cabrinha · 19/06/2012 20:05

YABU. You sound quite immature, both the idea that if he loves you he'd let you have another (where does that end?!) and at wanting to 'try'. It's not all that you know.

Dprince · 19/06/2012 20:07

Nanny are you reading the same thread. No one has said she should be happy about dhs decision. Everyone gets that.
you are bu. You can not replace those children who are lost to us. I know that. My nanas son dies at 12 weeks old. She had 4 other children. On her death bed she kept calling for her son. 50 years had don't nothing to her pain. Everytime it snowed for those 50 years she put blankets over his grave, to keep him warm. The children she had before or after did nothing to replace him.
I know in 50 years time my lost baby will never be replaced, nothing will make it better.

Dprince · 19/06/2012 20:10

Also OP, I had to try for over a year everytime I got pg. Its depressing, not
Romantic or fun. After a few months is pretty would destroying. Unless you get pg quickly. You are not missing much. Honestly.

GrahamTribe · 19/06/2012 20:10

So have we had any answers to the maintainance question and the one as to whether it would be cool for the DH to say sure, as long as you find work to finance this extra child, you do all the sleepless nights, you do all the nappy changes, you fund the bigger car, etc etc?

notnanny?

WhereYouLeftIt · 19/06/2012 20:13

"I still can't believe I'm the only person here who thinks that OP has a right to have another baby if she thinks it's the right time for her."
Firstly, nobody has a RIGHT to have a baby. Nobody. But, everybody has the right to WANT another baby.
Secondly, everybody has the right to NOT want another baby. And the OP's husband does not want another baby, for the reasons he has given the OP.

McHappyPants2012 · 19/06/2012 20:13

I can belive anybody would think that a pregnancy/baby/child can be replaced.

Its not like you have lost a £10 note or a pair of shoes.

EugenesAxe · 19/06/2012 20:15

Right I haven't read your post at all, but just from your opening line I thought you could just as easily have been your DH and written 'If DW loved me she wouldn't want another baby'.

You cannot play a card like that when the decision is so life-changing, and unless you think you could cope on your own without it having any effect on your DH, then I think you need to consider his feelings too.

I will now read the details!

McHappyPants2012 · 19/06/2012 20:15

Dprince that bought a tear to my eye ( Everytime it snowed for those 50 years she put blankets over his grave, to keep him warm)

everlong · 19/06/2012 20:16

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AThingInYourLife · 19/06/2012 20:19

"no! you have a say about when YOU want to stop having kids, you have NO say as to when someone else wants to stop having kids - it has nothing to do with gender"

That's not how marriages work.

I'm not talking about a legal say.

I'm talking about how two people in a marriage, who love each other, decide whether to have any more children.

Both DH and I get a say in how many children we have. We want to have our children together.

I don't know what kind of relationship you have if that discussion goes "I want to have one more child", "I want to have two" and the outcome is that they have one more child together and then split up so they can both have the number of children they want.

It's a joint decision, but one in which the wishes of the person whose body is going to do the gestating has to have a bigger say, particularly if the decision is to stop.

Joolyjoolyjoo · 19/06/2012 20:21

I'm Shock at some posters (notnanny, I'm looking at you)

First, op, I'm afraid YABU to think "If he loved me.." There is so much more involved in having a child with someone than just loving them..

It certainly doesn't just affect the mother- her uterus and breasts are NOT going to give birth simultaneously to the £218,000 it costs nowadays to raise a child, so yeah, I'd say the father gets to have a say in whether or not he'd like to contribute to that cost.

Just to try to cheer you up, OP, I have 3 and while I love them dearly, there would have been advantages to stopping at 2.
-Hotel rooms and apartments tend to be designed around 2 adults, 2 kids. With 3 kids you end up in separate rooms!
-had to get a bigger car to accomodate all the car seats- PITA
-They never stop fighting, and complaining about each other (can hear them right now. sigh)

In fact, thinking about it, I could hand ds over to you!! (If i didn't need him as a "spare" Hmm)

OwlsOnStrings · 19/06/2012 20:22

If he doesn't want another child, it would be absolutely wrong to force him. Those who think that gestation/birth/feeding gives the mother the casting vote - sorry, but I completely disagree. It's not just about a baby, it's about an entire life.

Dprince · 19/06/2012 20:22

Mchappy. It made me cry writing it. I remember me and my dad going to getting her, several times. He had to lift her off the grave and take her home kicking and screaming. She ended up in hospital a couple of times. But thank you for the sympathy. That's why I am so annoyed at nannys stance of 'heir and a spare' it doesn't make a fucking difference.