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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to think if DH really loved me he would want another baby ...?

380 replies

WantsAnotherOne · 19/06/2012 16:55

Have N/C but suspect some of you might recognise me....i just don't want anyone from rl to

i know i am definitely probably being irrational and U

please wise MNers talk some sense into me...

i really want another DC. we have 2 already, aged 6 and 3. eldest DC is from my previous relationship.

i am 32 and DH is 40 but he just doesn't seem keen atm. saying things like we can't afford it at the moment, the kids are getting easier now they are older, we won't be able to do much without the dc as babysitting will become harder, there will be less room at home, we won't be able to afford to go on holiday (either with or without dcs) etc etc. he says he loves having time with just me and it will become so much harder if we had another one.

i do agree with his reasons to some extent but none of them are insurmountable. yes things would be harder but surely it would be worth it? they just all seem like excuses to me. we earn decent-ish money IMO. dh is on about 25k and i work part time earning about 5k a year and our housing costs are quite minimal.

i am a romantic though and can't help thinking that if he really loved me he would want to have another baby with me. it would be amazing for the dc to have another brother or sister, 3 has always been my "perfect number" of dc.
i also would like the experience of "trying" for a baby with someone i love as both dc were unplanned (although much wanted of course) and that makes me sad.

the 3 years since DH and I have had our youngest have been so happy and its been blissful raising her with the man i love as i never had that with my first dc as i wasn't with his dad. i am baby mad at the moment and incredibly broody :(

OP posts:

everlong · 19/06/2012 17:21

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Dprince · 19/06/2012 17:21

His consent is required.

Joiningthegang · 19/06/2012 17:22

Yabu and childish

Appreciate what you have - and 2 is a much more sensible number than 2

GrahamTribe · 19/06/2012 17:22

Maybe the DH should ask himself what if something happened to the OP and he had agreed to another child, notnanny. Your "what if" scenario can be played both ways.

GrahamTribe · 19/06/2012 17:23

"Yabu and childish" - agreed, joining.

Appreciate what you have - and 2 is a much more sensible number than 2" - PMSL at the typo, joining.

Shesparkles · 19/06/2012 17:24

YABU v U! If your dh thinks you can't afford it now , project yourself 10 years as it just gets more and more expensive! As the parents of a teen and a 10 year old, both in reasonable jobs(albeit I work part time) the costs just keep rising.
Fortunately neither of my 2 are in the designer clothes brigade, but even basic food bills are becoming ridiculous to feed what is essentially 4 adult appetites.

Keep enjoying what you have.

Joiningthegang · 19/06/2012 17:27

I meant 3 obviously !!!!! Having 3 children nagging prevents accurate iPhone usage!!!
Notnanny - are you for real - I can be gullible and just not sure!

Cockwomble · 19/06/2012 17:27

Men should have as equal a say as women about whether they will have children not nanny. Or are men just sperm donators to you?

Cockwomble · 19/06/2012 17:29

& Op, your DH 's love for you has nothing to do with this decision, don't think that he doesn't love you enough!

MrsTerryPratchett · 19/06/2012 17:29

I want another baby, DH doesn't. Since both of us are required to teach, raise, pay for, love, nurture the new person and so on, his consent is mandatory. I will only have one DD good job she is the world's most wonderful baby.

By the earlier logic in the thread I should have a young, handsome lover because what if something happens to DH? I need a spare!

notnanny · 19/06/2012 17:29

Yes izzy, it is an odd logic, but the sad truth is that it could happen, perhaps I would pose the question differently to him, but he needs to understand the impact of his decision - and in terms that will mean something. Children do die, things happen, and there may be regret, and he will have to deal with that. They might not, they might live with their 2 kids forever without a care, but the fact that OP really wants another means he has to really not want another and understand the consequences of that.

OP is this the only thing that's making you question whether or not he loves you?

Cockwomble · 19/06/2012 17:31

Oooo mrs sounds like an excellent plan to me!

JustFabulous · 19/06/2012 17:31

As a mother of 3 I would let you know that ime three is a lot harder than two and changes everything.

YABU for saying what you said in your title though. I don't think that is a far comment.

Maybe you both need to have a proper talk where you state your desire - and the other one listens - and then agree to talk again in a set time but you can't have half a baby so you will have to come to an agreement and acceptance.

FWIW DH and I haven't quite got the family we wanted but life happens and you don't often get what you want or plan for.

GinPalace · 19/06/2012 17:31

I think men often use practical reasons to argue a point which perhaps stems from a more emotional centre. Maybe he is trying to discourage you because he sees you really want it but doesn't himself.

Obviously you wouldn't want to produce a child with a reluctant father so he has to want another child too, but maybe he just doesn't - I don't think it is any reflection of how much he cares for you, at all.

maybe his perfect number has always been 2 and great that he counts being father to your first child as No.1 - lesser more horrid men would not.

Maybe you could say to him that you are prepared to accept he doesn't want another child but in order for you to fully resign yourself to it, given your own strength of feeling, you really need to understand the full true and honest POV he has, warts and all not just financial material aspects but how his heart feels on the matter, and that if he could think about that and then explain it to you, you would be able to accept it and enjoy your family as it is.

Personally I would not want 3 and some of the reasons I know I don't, sound quite awful said out loud, could possibly make it sound like I don't enjoy my babies or am really selfish - this isn't the case but sometimes our honest answers are cards we keep close to our chest. For instance I just don't want to still be doing puke and nappies in X years time, I don't want to have a 3rd pregnancy etc etc.

Depending what his take on it is, it maybe that the money side of it is only part of the story.

Cockwomble · 19/06/2012 17:32

I also find it bizarre that if a child dies it'll be ok that that individual person has gone because we've a spare in the cupboard under the stairs.

GrahamTribe · 19/06/2012 17:33

From the arguments he's put up I'd say that it's pretty obvious that the DH really doesn't want another child, notnanny. I'd also say that the chances of a child dying are, thankfully, small in this day and age and your logic is freaking bizaare.

mumblechum1 · 19/06/2012 17:34

Since when did men choose when women should and shouldn't have a baby?

My flabber has now been truly ghasted.

Dprince · 19/06/2012 17:34

So why stop at 3? What is, god forbid, something happened to 2? Should the op keeping having babies despite her very loving dh not wanting them. Just I case one dies. Its not logic at all. One child would never replace another. They are people in their own right. They are not there to fill a gap just in case. I find that 'logic' quite disturbing tbu.

mummymeister · 19/06/2012 17:37

notnanny - why do you feel 2 is a good number and therefore a third is needed in case something happens to one of the other ones. why not 1 and have a second as a "spare" ? of course the sad truth is that something could happen to any child at any time but it could happen to the parents equally and then you would have 3 orphans rather than 2. having a baby is something you do together in agreement. it can be a real problem if one of you wants more and the other doesnt but like all things in a relationship it is about compromise not emotional blackmail. What if there is a problem with the third child or the OP has severe post natal depression or a million other what ifs. you need your partner four square behind you when having a baby - its not like nagging them into a new car. cannot see why anyone would think their partner didnt love them just because he disagrees on something. Loving someone means respecting their views and respecting their rights and it cuts both ways. Perhaps the OP's partner is convinced she doesnt want him and wants to trade him in for a newer model that does want more kids? either way sorry OP you are being unreasonable and i think you probably know it!

everlong · 19/06/2012 17:40

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ComposHat · 19/06/2012 17:40

how he would feel if something happened to one of them and he had denied you a third?

Notnanny I think that is the most absurd comment I have ever seen on this site and that's saying something. Exactly how many 'insurance' children is enough and what happens if, god forbid, this notional tribe of kids die in a car crash?

If you follow your logic the op should take a string of lovers so that should her husband snuff it, she can say "oh well, never mind, I've got plenty more in line to put up shelves and give me a seeing to."

AmazingBouncingFerret · 19/06/2012 17:40

Op you are being unreasonable.

notnanny your ideas are odd to say the least.

GrahamTribe · 19/06/2012 17:41

@ Compos

notnanny · 19/06/2012 17:41

No that's not the reason you should have 3, I'm turning this around to the 'father', who is actively preventing her having a third - he needs to understand the implications of this, on worst-case-scenario terms.

notnanny · 19/06/2012 17:42

I knew I shouldn't have posted that post! Gah!

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