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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think if DH really loved me he would want another baby ...?

380 replies

WantsAnotherOne · 19/06/2012 16:55

Have N/C but suspect some of you might recognise me....i just don't want anyone from rl to

i know i am definitely probably being irrational and U

please wise MNers talk some sense into me...

i really want another DC. we have 2 already, aged 6 and 3. eldest DC is from my previous relationship.

i am 32 and DH is 40 but he just doesn't seem keen atm. saying things like we can't afford it at the moment, the kids are getting easier now they are older, we won't be able to do much without the dc as babysitting will become harder, there will be less room at home, we won't be able to afford to go on holiday (either with or without dcs) etc etc. he says he loves having time with just me and it will become so much harder if we had another one.

i do agree with his reasons to some extent but none of them are insurmountable. yes things would be harder but surely it would be worth it? they just all seem like excuses to me. we earn decent-ish money IMO. dh is on about 25k and i work part time earning about 5k a year and our housing costs are quite minimal.

i am a romantic though and can't help thinking that if he really loved me he would want to have another baby with me. it would be amazing for the dc to have another brother or sister, 3 has always been my "perfect number" of dc.
i also would like the experience of "trying" for a baby with someone i love as both dc were unplanned (although much wanted of course) and that makes me sad.

the 3 years since DH and I have had our youngest have been so happy and its been blissful raising her with the man i love as i never had that with my first dc as i wasn't with his dad. i am baby mad at the moment and incredibly broody :(

OP posts:
AllYoursBabooshka · 20/06/2012 14:04

yeshewouldyouknow I suggest you stop feeling sorry for other posters because they are in a relationship where their partners/husbands/wives treat them as equal minded adults who can handle the fact that sometimes what we want in life isn't always going to happen.

What is misogynistic is the "Keep the little wife happy" bullshit attitude. I would loose all respect for DP if he pandered to me in such a way.

It be wrong is for OPs DH to not even consider the idea but from what she has posted he has done in a very sensible way and still feels that it is wrong for their family.

Ticktock1 · 20/06/2012 17:18

I don't have any DC's I use MINUTE because I have a DSD. I totally understand your broodyness and how that can impear thinking about thing rationally.

I am desparate for a DC, when I'm ovulating or on my period seeing pregnant women makes me burst into tears I am so jealous. I'm depressed and emotional all the time.

DP has decided next year (jan 2013) we can start ttc, he has a lovely 3.5 year old DD and wants to wait till she is in school. I understand that but it doesn't stop my mental hormones! I have already started tempature charting, given up somoking, started yoga all so I can be ready for next year. He only wants one though.

So he will have been through having a baby twice and I will only get one expreience, that makes me sad but we have talked about it. I have to respect that he only wants one more DC.

What I'm saying is that although every fiber of your body might be telling you 'get pregnant' (my body has a very loud voice atm!) If you are in a loving partnership you have to decide things as a partnership.

I am sat on the bed looking at the nightstand now, just looking at the condoms makes me want to cry!

You have two perfect DC concentrate on how wonderful it will be watching them grow up.

Ticktock1 · 20/06/2012 17:19

Sorry phone changed mumsnet to minute for some reason!

AThingInYourLife · 20/06/2012 17:37

"If you are in a loving partnership you have to decide things as a partnership."

But that's not what you've done.

He's told you when you're allowed to have a child and that you'll only be having one and you have gone along with that despite it making you miserable.

Does partnership = taking what you're given?

Not to me.

AThingInYourLife · 20/06/2012 17:43

"that trying and then having the baby will be a lovely wonderful experience that will bring you together and it will bind your family. It doesn't always work like that."

But often it does.

It's hardly the vale of misery being portrayed by many posters on this thread.

yeshewouldyouknow · 20/06/2012 17:44

A baby, as many of you have pointed out, is a very very big thing.

That's why it's a very very big thing to deny someone one when they wanted. Equal in importance to making someone have one, really.

Having a baby involves two people's consent. But in a loving marriage, NOT having one should involve that, too.

Not going to spend my evening arguing this point, but in my world (which is not weird - just one where I have a loving, happy marriage) I know that ultimately my DH prizes my happiness above anything, and would do anything to make me happy. I'm so glad to be married to a man like that.

AThing speaks such sense as usual. The OP's DH has made a decision, that she is really unhappy with.

It's true that sometimes in life we can't always get what we want. But in this case, the OP COULD have what she wanted, if her happiness were important enough to her husband.

To think my views are weird or bizarre says a lot more about many of your situations and relationships than it does about me I'm afraid.

AThingInYourLife · 20/06/2012 17:51

"that trying and then having the baby will be a lovely wonderful experience that will bring you together and it will bind your family. It doesn't always work like that."

But often it does.

It's hardly the vale of misery being portrayed by many posters on this thread.

AllPastYears · 20/06/2012 17:52

"DH prizes my happiness above anything, and would do anything to make me happy. I'm so glad to be married to a man like that. "

So maybe the OP should do anything to make her DH happy? i.e. not have another child. Just saying.

RedHelenB · 20/06/2012 17:57

I wanted 3 children exh not so keen. We compromised on having a bigger gap than ideally I would have liked. So glad I have my 3rd baby cos ex is no longer around. If it had been an adamant no I think I would have really resented him. My theory is you know how many children you'd like - not been at all broody since my third.

yeshewouldyouknow · 20/06/2012 18:00

The OP acquiescing and agreeing not to have a child is far more likely to lead to long term resentment than her dH agreeing to have a child....which would once here very probably bring great joy to his life and that of the family. Unlike the hollow emptiness and yearning that the OP will always feel if she doesn't have another child.

elvisaintdead · 20/06/2012 18:03

yabvvu - how many children you want has no bearing on how much you love someone. We have a big family and both agree we are done. If DH wanted another, though he would be unlucky as I have enough for reasons similar to your DH. I love and adore my DH but that would not be enough for me to conceive a child that I know I do not want to have and imo cannot comfortably afford to have.

AllYoursBabooshka · 20/06/2012 18:05

I know that ultimately my DH prizes my happiness above anything, and would do anything to make me happy. I'm so glad to be married to a man like that.

What if you both want different things? Do you rate your happiness so much above his that you would be willing to make him miserable to get what you want?

yeshewouldyouknow · 20/06/2012 18:17

I've never put it to the test AllYours, we've never disagreed on something so fundamental. But I do know that when it came down to it he would put me first, and that seeing me happy would make him happy rather than miserable.

yeshewouldyouknow · 20/06/2012 18:18

Elvis - we both agree we are done.

That's the difference!

ShullBit · 20/06/2012 18:19

What Allyours said.

Also, she may be able to conceive, but her DH has expressed doubts that they can't afford it. OP has admitted herself more or less that it will be a stretch, but doable.

That isn't factoring in having twins, or the child having health problems.

Is it really that dreadful to think that it isn't worth the risk that it may lead to having a huge impact on the existing kids AND the one being born into it, debt etc all for a "want"?

It's called being responsible for children you already have. It isn't practical, and considering the fact we are adults, no matter how bad we want a child, you just have to deal with it or win the lottery.

It is not as black and white as you seem to think yeshewouldyouknow

DamnBamboo · 20/06/2012 18:33

"Having a baby involves two people's consent. But in a loving marriage, NOT having one should involve that, too"

She doesn't have to consent to him not having a baby, that's just biology!

If one person does want one, and one person doesn't, what are you suggesting the default option should be? Baby or no baby? I know what I think and it isn't brining a baby into the world when one person doesn't want to be a parent again.

She still can have a baby, he is not permanently removing that right from her, he's just exercising his right not to father it.

If you made a woman be a mother when she didn't want to, there would be fucking outrage!

DamnBamboo · 20/06/2012 18:35

"I've never put it to the test AllYours, we've never disagreed on something so fundamental. But I do know that when it came down to it he would put me first, and that seeing me happy would make him happy rather than miserable"

And that speaks volumes about you as a partner, that you absolutely would, and think you should be, put first, despite his unhappiness.

Your poor DP.

Dprince · 20/06/2012 18:41

Oh dear is this still going on?
A woman does not have the right to blackmail a man into having a baby. It would be his as well.
Athing you are right trying for a baby is not always awful. However having a baby because you missed out on it and are going into with expectations of how wonderful it will be is not realistic. A bit of realism wouldn't go amid on here.
Refusing to have another baby doesn't mean he doesn't love her.
I also don't think a marriage should be based on one person getting their own way because 'you would if they loved me'. Its nit very adult imo.
If I or dh wanted something and the other thought it wasn't the best choice for our family we would have no problem expressing that. To me that's what marriage is about.

Bunbaker · 20/06/2012 18:41

"The OP acquiescing and agreeing not to have a child is far more likely to lead to long term resentment than her dH agreeing to have a child"

I think you are making an assumotion there that isn't necessarily correct. I wrote in an earlier post about a couple of husbands who departed, leaving the mother to hold the baby because they weren't keen in the first place.

Bunbaker · 20/06/2012 18:43

assumotion = assumption

AllYoursBabooshka · 20/06/2012 18:43

Exactly, That's not an equal relationship and just wouldn't work for me.

I can endure a little disappointment every now and again safe in the knowledge that DP has his own mind.

AllYoursBabooshka · 20/06/2012 18:44

X posts!

elvisaintdead · 20/06/2012 18:45

Yes, I know in my situation we both agree we are done. However if DH came to me tomorrow feeling broody and suggesting another it would be 100% no from me, and no way would I go ahead just to make him happy. That's not how relationships should work and yes you could say the person who doesn't want another child is getting their way, however imo you shouldn't actively try to bring a child into the a family where both parents aren't fully behind it. They do already have 2 happy healthy children, so it's not as though he is denying her being a mother at all.

Sometimes surprises happen but that isn't the case here, he has made it clear he doesn't want another child and OP is using emotional blackmail to change his mind. imo that's wrong

lowestpriority · 20/06/2012 18:58

"The OP acquiecsing and agreeing not to have a child is far more likely to lead to long term resentment than her DH agreeing to have a child."
Are you basing this statement on fact?

yeshewouldyouknow · 20/06/2012 19:08

Save your pity, Bamboo. My Dh and I are very happy. I would do anything to make him happy and he would do the same for me. We put each other first. I can't imagine that doing something for me that would make me happy would make him miserable. Stop trying to find reasons why my relationship is fucked up, imbalanced or unfair, because you won't! We put each other first, unlike the op's dh, and perhaps yours?

I can't understand the gloomy, negative picture you are all painting here. Babies iare hard work and cost money but generally bring great happiness too!

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