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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think if DH really loved me he would want another baby ...?

380 replies

WantsAnotherOne · 19/06/2012 16:55

Have N/C but suspect some of you might recognise me....i just don't want anyone from rl to

i know i am definitely probably being irrational and U

please wise MNers talk some sense into me...

i really want another DC. we have 2 already, aged 6 and 3. eldest DC is from my previous relationship.

i am 32 and DH is 40 but he just doesn't seem keen atm. saying things like we can't afford it at the moment, the kids are getting easier now they are older, we won't be able to do much without the dc as babysitting will become harder, there will be less room at home, we won't be able to afford to go on holiday (either with or without dcs) etc etc. he says he loves having time with just me and it will become so much harder if we had another one.

i do agree with his reasons to some extent but none of them are insurmountable. yes things would be harder but surely it would be worth it? they just all seem like excuses to me. we earn decent-ish money IMO. dh is on about 25k and i work part time earning about 5k a year and our housing costs are quite minimal.

i am a romantic though and can't help thinking that if he really loved me he would want to have another baby with me. it would be amazing for the dc to have another brother or sister, 3 has always been my "perfect number" of dc.
i also would like the experience of "trying" for a baby with someone i love as both dc were unplanned (although much wanted of course) and that makes me sad.

the 3 years since DH and I have had our youngest have been so happy and its been blissful raising her with the man i love as i never had that with my first dc as i wasn't with his dad. i am baby mad at the moment and incredibly broody :(

OP posts:
ShullBit · 20/06/2012 09:24

Not necessarily financial wise does it mean only living comfortably with one child. Depends on how much money is coming in.

And even if your parents had another child, doesn't mean that child would of been a nicer, more reliable sibling. There is no guarantee of that.

TroublesomeEx · 20/06/2012 09:28

I've been amazed by some of the posts on here.

I'm really surprised at how some people think - it's a real education being on here!

Some of the arguments I've read on here (not all by a long shot) are akin to the sort of conversations you hear between 14 and 15 year olds if you hang around in Mothercare for long enough Hmm. I can't believe that some of the "but if he luffs you" stuff and "babies are a nice thing" comments.

OP your approach to family planning sounds very chaotic. I'm afraid I'm with your DH. Just because you are a woman does not give you the right to play games with other people's lives.

CheerfulYank · 20/06/2012 09:38

No, I know, Shull. Though I would have liked to play the odds a bit and had a few more brothers or sisters; chances are one of them would have turned out not be an utter tosser who would live in my garage for three years :o

What I meant by the one child thing was regardless of how much money a family has, if they only have one, there will be much more money available to that one child. So financially every only child is better off than they would be with siblings...but financially is not the only thing that matters.

And I hope your son is feeling better and that you'll get some rest. Brew

AThingInYourLife · 20/06/2012 09:39

"There's a real undertone on this thread. That women are silly and hormone driven and need a big sensible man to keep them in line when they do silly things like wanting more babies."

Agreed yeshe.

It always the main response when a woman wants a baby and a man doesn't.

I'm so glad not to be married to a man like that.

Bluegrass · 20/06/2012 09:41

Interesting to compare yeshewouldyouknow's:

"There's a real undertone on this thread. That women are silly and hormone driven and need a big sensible man to keep them in line when they do silly things like wanting more babies."

with the OP's admission that she actually once tricked a man she had no desire to stay with into being a father, completely denying him the right to make a choice about a lifelong commitment (emotional and presumably financial unless she refused to take any money from him). Silly and hormone driven doesn't even begin to describe it.

TroublesomeEx · 20/06/2012 09:43

YY Bluegrass

Whatmeworry · 20/06/2012 09:45

There's a real undertone on this thread. That women are silly and hormone driven and need a big sensible man to keep them in line when they do silly things like wanting more babies

I think the problem with "of course she should have a baby" view is that it doesn't look at the "and then what"...

Mind you, there's another thread on about a woman who fell pregnant, partner wanted abortion, she wanted baby, they split up - and there is quite a lot of advice telling her to go after the maintenance via the CSA.

So from that POV, OP is covered it seems.

YouOldSlag · 20/06/2012 09:48

OP your approach to family planning sounds very chaotic. I'm afraid I'm with your DH. Just because you are a woman does not give you the right to play games with other people's lives.

^ exactly

weatherrain · 20/06/2012 09:51

YABU. I haven't read the whole thread so might be repeating. It's not like he doesn't want to have children with you at all. He just thinks (quite responsibly IMO) that the number you have is enough. I am very sorry that you want a baby and your DH doesn't, but it looks like you can't afford one.

Ishoes · 20/06/2012 10:00

whatme-and your point is? of course a woman is entitled to ask for maintenence if a man fathers her child! If a man genuinely doesnt want dcs then he either takes responsibility for contraception-and the consequences of failure-has the snip or remains celibate.

If I fell pregnant again and dh didnt want the baby-does that mean he gets to opt out of being responsible for that child? what a load of shite.

DamnBamboo · 20/06/2012 10:01

I'm sorry, but can you say emotional blackmail?

What about if you loved him, you wouldn't want one?

Does that sound fair.

Your poor DH!

niceguy2 · 20/06/2012 10:03

OP's problem is almost identical to the situation I find/found myself in with my fiancee. Even the age gap is similar. An issue I posted about quite some time ago.

I have 2 DC's from a previous relationship. Her DS is now 5 and whilst we were dating I knew she wanted more kids. I did not. Something which I made very clear all along and even sat her down before we moved in together and told her not to assume I would ever change my mind. She said she was OK with it. Turns out, she's not. She still clearly wants another child.

From my point of view it's nothing to do with whether or not I love her. That much is never in doubt. But there's an unavoidable reality. We have three kids already. In OP's case she has two. Adding another one will not only mean the whole baby stage again, the bigger picture is that it's another child to feed, clothe and educate. All whilst finances are under even MORE pressure given OP is unlikely to be able to work or afford childcare for three young kids.

So whilst OP you claim to be a romantic and that's all well & good. Romance doesn't put food on the table. Romance won't pay your electric bill.

Also at your DH like myself probably wants to enjoy life again without having to go back to the start emotionally and financially. Neither does he probably want to support kids until he is in his 60's.

In short the reasons you want another child whilst understandable but are all emotional reasons. But if you do want to plan a child then you really should plan for the long term.

I really would have loved to have a child with my fiancee. But the reality is that we have three mouths to feed already. One of whom hopefully will be going to college soon which will add an even bigger burden on us. I don't have the luxury of romance.

yeshewouldyouknow · 20/06/2012 10:04

This thread is full of such horrible judgemental views, op, I would bow out if I were you. Really Victorian attitudes...your dh thinks you have enough children, so you must accept what your sensible mature spouse says and stop being so silly.

It is no t childish or immature to believe that someone who loves you will want to make you happy. In this case, the op wants another baby very much. Her dh has it in his power to give her one. He chooses not to. Is that real love? Not to me.

The op will always resent her dh for this. If they had a child however it would take a pretty mean person to not love that child and resent it and the op for having had it.

Original poster
WantsAnotherOne · 20/06/2012 10:04

read my last but one post

i Did Not trick dc1's dad into being a parent, he WANTED a baby with me and wanted me to come off the pill, but i didn't want him to know that i wanted a baby, i didn't want to be seen as actively trying, so when i stopped taking the pill i didn't tell him Confused bizarre i know.

OP posts:
Whatmeworry · 20/06/2012 10:04

whatme-and your point is?

and...

If I fell pregnant again and dh didnt want the baby-does that mean he gets to opt out of being responsible for that child? what a load of shite

You have answered my point, which is this OP gets herself pregnant, she wins no matter what the ethics of the situation.

Its an endgame.

DamnBamboo · 20/06/2012 10:09

FFS, he doesn't want another child.
He is expressing this prior to their being a child, this is not to say that he wouldn't love another child if it arrived.

Her desire for a child, does absolutely NOT override his desire not to have one.

What would you say if a woman was repeatedly badgered by a man to become pregnant even though she absolutely didn't and had made it clear that she didn't.

Would that be ok?

Of course it fucking wouldn't.

DamnBamboo · 20/06/2012 10:09

there

DamnBamboo · 20/06/2012 10:10

What's victorian about someone, irrespective of gender, saying they don't want anymore children?

empirestateofmind · 20/06/2012 10:10

You might end up with triplets. It happened to a friend of ours who went for number 3 Grin.

DamnBamboo · 20/06/2012 10:11

with the OP's admission that she actually once tricked a man she had no desire to stay with into being a father, completely denying him the right to make a choice about a lifelong commitment (emotional and presumably financial unless she refused to take any money from him). Silly and hormone driven doesn't even begin to describe it

Oh my god!

Chubfuddler · 20/06/2012 10:12

Yeshe the ops posts are littered with examples of her childish and immature behaviour. As for it being "Victorian" - if it's Victorian to think it best that children are actively wanted by both their parents who have the financial and emotional resources to care for them, fair enough. Hand me a crinoline.

DamnBamboo · 20/06/2012 10:12

Don't know why that struck-out, how odd.
What just making my comment on somebody elses earlier comment

DamnBamboo · 20/06/2012 10:17

"It's not emotional blackmail, it's reality. You can bet your bottom dollar though, if he thought it through he would 'let' her have another child.

I'm on your side OP, it appears I'm the only one though!

Since when did men choose when women should and shouldn't have a baby?"

THey don't, they choose when THEY father a baby, which is what this man has done!

Ephiny · 20/06/2012 10:24

You lied about being on the pill when you were with your ex? Are you planning to do that again unless your DH goes along with what you want?

I'm not normally massively sympathetic to men being 'tricked' into fathering a child, as if they're against the idea they should really be taking precautions themselves. But regardless of that, it's not a right or sensible thing to do. Does your DH know you did this with your ex?

ShullBit · 20/06/2012 10:26

So yeshewouldyouknow, it is basically all about what the woman wants? Existing children and spouse don't have any say in the matter? It doesn't matter that their other children would lose out? Doesn't matter if they end up in debt/homeless, just so long as the woman gets what she wants?

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