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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think if DH really loved me he would want another baby ...?

380 replies

WantsAnotherOne · 19/06/2012 16:55

Have N/C but suspect some of you might recognise me....i just don't want anyone from rl to

i know i am definitely probably being irrational and U

please wise MNers talk some sense into me...

i really want another DC. we have 2 already, aged 6 and 3. eldest DC is from my previous relationship.

i am 32 and DH is 40 but he just doesn't seem keen atm. saying things like we can't afford it at the moment, the kids are getting easier now they are older, we won't be able to do much without the dc as babysitting will become harder, there will be less room at home, we won't be able to afford to go on holiday (either with or without dcs) etc etc. he says he loves having time with just me and it will become so much harder if we had another one.

i do agree with his reasons to some extent but none of them are insurmountable. yes things would be harder but surely it would be worth it? they just all seem like excuses to me. we earn decent-ish money IMO. dh is on about 25k and i work part time earning about 5k a year and our housing costs are quite minimal.

i am a romantic though and can't help thinking that if he really loved me he would want to have another baby with me. it would be amazing for the dc to have another brother or sister, 3 has always been my "perfect number" of dc.
i also would like the experience of "trying" for a baby with someone i love as both dc were unplanned (although much wanted of course) and that makes me sad.

the 3 years since DH and I have had our youngest have been so happy and its been blissful raising her with the man i love as i never had that with my first dc as i wasn't with his dad. i am baby mad at the moment and incredibly broody :(

OP posts:
elvisaintdead · 20/06/2012 19:15

Yeshewould - I agree babies bring joy and happiness which is why I have 5 kids but each person has their own idea of how many is enough and both parents have a say. If you and your DH found youselves in this situation you would have the opposite problem then with him insisting on having a baby he didn't want to make you happy an you insisting that you don't in order to make him happy seeing as you both always put one anothers happiness before your own apparently Wink

I think the point people are making is that in a relationship you need compromise as often it is not possible for you both to be 100% happy with everything 100% of the time. For some things, like having a baby, there is no compromise as you can't have half of one, so one party will end up in a situation they don't want. Many people are saying in that situation, it is better to go with the person (whether thats the man or woman) who doesn't want another child, and I agree with that opinion.

You are entitled to your opinion too of course, but you don't seem to make the point ever so well

ShullBit · 20/06/2012 19:44

Exactly. They COST money. Money which in the OP's situation, would"stretch" to one more. But what if she had twins? Triplets? Baby has health problems?

When you already have responsibilities ie existing children, you have to factor in how it could affect them and mummy and daddy being stressed due to debts because of their twin/triplet/ill sibling/s would not only be unfair on them, but could lead to resentment which in turn, neither of the above would be fair on the poor baby.

It isn't just down to wants. The OP's DH may want another. But it's down to being practical and putting those you already have first which is what her DH is doing. How the feck hell does that make him a selfish, unloving husband?

WhiteWidow · 20/06/2012 20:21

Yeshewould your posts make me so so angry.

Do you realise that the reason this man might not want a baby is because he loves his family very dearly and wants the best for them all. How dare you say that it's not true love, just because he's thinking practical. What if the were living in a hostel and she wanted a baby? Would you still think the same?

Thank god this man has the brains to say no. Women like you are ridiculous, using emotional blackmail to get what you want.

Thing is as well if the OP decided to trick him into having a baby, which she has already done, if he left her he'd still have to pay maintenance. Which I think is bloody unfair.

DamnBamboo · 20/06/2012 20:51

It's an idiotic and completely illogical argument yesshewould

You can't be putting each other first though can you, if one wants to have a baby and one doesn't!

It can't be the right decision for both of you, and if both of you want to see the other happy, how on earth do you work this one out.

DamnBamboo · 20/06/2012 20:53

How can you both put each other first in a situation where you don't agree?

Whatmeworry · 20/06/2012 20:54

The OP still has the winner take all advantage, which is to get pregnant anyway.

At that point society pressure considers the DH to be a bastard not to stand by her, and all systems swing by to support her.

Is this a good thing?

DamnBamboo · 20/06/2012 20:54

elvisaintdead last post

^

THIS!

lowestpriority · 20/06/2012 20:55

DamnBamboo I would like to hear the answer to that one too.

DamnBamboo · 20/06/2012 20:56

Her DH should get the snip and be done with it.

If he never plans on having one, may as well remove the means by which it can happen and remove the real possiblity of being tricked into it.

Dprince · 20/06/2012 21:01

Yes its great you have a relationship where you put each other first. Even if that makes one unhappy and they have to do something that they don't want. Even if you don't put the children you already have first. Even if you know you will be stretched financially, putting stress and strain on your marriage. Good for you for putting each other first. It clearly works for you.

Whatmeworry · 20/06/2012 21:04

Her DH should get the snip and be done with it. If he never plans on having one, may as well remove the means by which it can happen and remove the real possiblity of being tricked into it.

TBH I think if I was in a relationship where you had to have surgery in order to stop your partner tricking you into something huge like this (I can't think of a reverse comparison at the mo), I'd be seriously considering why I was in it.

DamnBamboo · 20/06/2012 21:05

Absolutely whatme.

Having said that, at least he wouldn't have a 'surprise' 9 months down the line!

girliefriend · 20/06/2012 21:07

My friend had just had her 3rd gorgeous baby and is already talking about wanting number 4!!! Agree with whoever said you will always want one more, enjoy what you have and don't be greedy is my advice

yeshewouldyouknow · 21/06/2012 07:45

Ladies, pick holes in my arguments and relationship all you like if it makes you feel better. Ultimately in our family we all try to think of each others happiness as well as our own, we make decisions that consider everyone's feelings. Dprince, read my posts properly if you are able...nobody ever does anything in our house to make the rest of the family unhappy. Sorry to disappoint! The op's husband is not doing this as his wife is unhappy and hurt, enough so to post her worries on an internet forum. But he's the wise husband and knows best, right?

Some of you seem to have a bleak view of motherhood and I stand by my view that a baby generally is a positive thing. The op is not asking her husband to move to Somalia or something that has little chance of having a positive outcome. She is asking for a baby, which is a big ask, but crucially just as big a deal to ignore.

WhiteWidow · 21/06/2012 07:49

'think of each others happiness'

You're not thinking of the husband or the kids happiness in this situation though are you, so I doubt you do it in your own family.

yeshewouldyouknow · 21/06/2012 08:01

Posted too soon! I'm sad for you ladies that a relationship where you consider the other persons happiness and, gasp, even put it before your own, is something to be mocked and disbelieved. Ditto with the baby thing...why is a baby such a blight for so many of you, excepting the small amount of situations where the baby has SN?

I'm disgusted by the attitudes shown here by women towards another woman who has expressed her desire for another baby. She's been repeatedly told she is childish, to grow up, that she is having a tantrum, spitting her dummy out and throwing her dummy out the pram. Whereas her dh, who ignores hus wifes deep seated need for a baby, is continually described as sensible, mature, and with his wifes best interests at heart.

Ladies, you need to have a good think about your values....you may think yourselves modern and progressive, but Jesus, your attitudes towards men and women are stuck in the stone age!

And I have never used emotional blackmail to get what I want. Again...v sexist....why is expressing your feelings emotional blackmail?Sorry if you find my happy family ridiculous and idiotic, I think that people are lashing out at me because their own situations are less than ideal! We have an equal partnership and work hard at that, the ops husband is thinking if his needs and not hers. If you love someone and see they are miserable and sad you want to rectify that, but he wont, even though having a baby would bring him joy too. Unless he's a complete miserable bastard, like some of you lot!

yeshewouldyouknow · 21/06/2012 08:03

But you're assuming that a baby would cause unhappiness to the siblings and dh, when it is more likely to bring them joy.

WhiteWidow · 21/06/2012 08:04

THEY CAN'T AFFORD IT. How many times. You didn't answer my question about if they lived in a hostel would you still be of the same opinion. Why should he be forced into having a child, how awful would it be if as the child was growing up he'd resent it.
Some women DONT WANT TO STOP having babies. Where does the line get drawn? Or is it simply a case of oh but if he loves her...
You obviously have no respect for anyone's wishes but your own because you aren't considering anyone else's in this scenario. And you keep ignoring valid points people make.

WhiteWidow · 21/06/2012 08:06

The kids aren't going to be joyful when their parents can't afford things.

Why not give them the best, rather than having another and making things stretched.

yeshewouldyouknow · 21/06/2012 08:07

And whitewidow, really do give it up now...you're on to a loser. Of course I consider everyone's happiness, which is why I am disgusted that the ops dh can bear to see her so unhappy, I could not bear to see someone I loved so sad.

Bluegrass · 21/06/2012 08:07

"a baby generally is a positive thing"

Absolutely.

Unless of course you really don't want one, in which case having your wishes ignored and being expected to take on a lifelong commitment with all the changes that will entail and having to rethink the plans you had made for your post child raising years would be quite traumatic. Not to mention of course how unfair it would be on the child to bring it into the world knowing that one parent doesn't want it.

Bugger that though eh yeshewouldyouknow!

WhiteWidow · 21/06/2012 08:08

And 'more likely'. That isn't good enough.

Just because she's prepared for sleepless nights and nappy changing all over again doesn't mean he is. And no he shouldn't just do it because he loves her because a child needs to be WANTED.

fanjoforthemammaries7850 · 21/06/2012 08:08

Yeshewould- my Dd has 'SN' and is not nor even has been,a 'blight'.

WhiteWidow · 21/06/2012 08:10

Yesshewould - so you'd expect your DP to make you happy even if it caused him great unhappiness, as well as financial and emotional strain? Thats what youre saying the DP of the OP should do. If yes then you are a self centred selfish cow, and I pity your partner.

yeshewouldyouknow · 21/06/2012 08:10

But you're assuming that a baby would cause unhappiness to the siblings and dh, when it is more likely to bring them joy.