to think if DH really loved me he would want another baby ...?

[WantsAnotherOne]

Have N/C but suspect some of you might recognise me....i just don't want anyone from rl to

i know i am definitely probably being irrational and U

please wise MNers talk some sense into me...

i really want another DC. we have 2 already, aged 6 and 3. eldest DC is from my previous relationship.

i am 32 and DH is 40 but he just doesn't seem keen atm. saying things like we can't afford it at the moment, the kids are getting easier now they are older, we won't be able to do much without the dc as babysitting will become harder, there will be less room at home, we won't be able to afford to go on holiday (either with or without dcs) etc etc. he says he loves having time with just me and it will become so much harder if we had another one.

i do agree with his reasons to some extent but none of them are insurmountable. yes things would be harder but surely it would be worth it? they just all seem like excuses to me. we earn decent-ish money IMO. dh is on about 25k and i work part time earning about 5k a year and our housing costs are quite minimal.

i am a romantic though and can't help thinking that if he really loved me he would want to have another baby with me. it would be amazing for the dc to have another brother or sister, 3 has always been my "perfect number" of dc.
i also would like the experience of "trying" for a baby with someone i love as both dc were unplanned (although much wanted of course) and that makes me sad.

the 3 years since DH and I have had our youngest have been so happy and its been blissful raising her with the man i love as i never had that with my first dc as i wasn't with his dad. i am baby mad at the moment and incredibly broody :(

It is Victorian to think in terms of the little woman pining for a baby and the Man of the household, out of kindness and love for his woman, "lets" her have one, because "it is in his power to do so" .

In 2012 having a baby involves both partners actively wanting to become parents.

In this case, the op wants another baby very much. Her dh has it in his power to give her one. He chooses not to. Is that real love? Not to me

Oh get a grip! What about his wishes not to have another child? We're not talking about about getting a kitten.

So in your weird world, the only way he can prove he loves her is to go against what he expressly doesn't want and have a child.

Thankyou very much yeshewouldyouknow. I am now classed, in your eyes, as "a pretty mean person".
OP if you are so set on this path, go for it. But I suggest you realise that there will be consequences that may not end in your happy ever after ideal.

*This thread is full of such horrible judgemental views, op, I would bow out if I were you. Really Victorian attitudes...your dh thinks you have enough children, so you must accept what your sensible mature spouse says and stop being so silly.

It is no t childish or immature to believe that someone who loves you will want to make you happy. In this case, the op wants another baby very much. Her dh has it in his power to give her one. He chooses not to. Is that real love? Not to me.

The op will always resent her dh for this. If they had a child however it would take a pretty mean person to not love that child and resent it and the op for having had it.*

You're having a laugh right?!

Yeshewouldyouknow's bizzare post reminds me very much of my friend's situation. He was living with a woman who decided that she'd stop taking the pill and just not tell him. She got pregnant and unsurprisingly my mate wasn't impressed. Whilst he loves his son, their relationship never survived such a betrayal of trust.

So if you want to talk about resentment, remember that it can cut both ways.

niceguy2 - exactly. Without labouring the point, how often has "if you love me you'd do it" been used as a way to coerce and manipulate someone into doing something against their better judgment.

I think it is potentially really harmful to start saying that there are instances where this is a valid argument to persuade someone to do something they are really against, or to make them question whether they are even entitled to object to it, or to prioritise their own feelings/instincts over those of the person trying to persuade them otherwise.

"Happiness is not getting what we want but wanting what we've got."

Yes, yes, yes. I think this gets overlooked far too often these days.

"In this case, the op wants another baby very much. Her dh has it in his power to give her one. He chooses not to. Is that real love? Not to me"

That's the sort of reasoning I would expect from a 12 year old, not a fully grown adult.

"Since when did men choose when women should and shouldn't have a baby?"

What is wrong with that? A baby should be a mutual choice. I think it is selfish of either partner to go ahead with a baby if the other partner doesn't want one. You can't give them back when they are here, or stick them in a cupboard when they are too noisy or demanding. Having a baby, whether it is a first or third one is a massive life changing event that shouldn't be gone into lightly.

"Since when did men choose when women should and shouldn't have a baby?"

It happened at the same time as when women decided when men should and shouldn't have a baby.

Until the day science allows us to asexually reproduce you will always need a man. Therefore a man must consent.

right, lets get a few things straight because i think lots of posters are missing a couple of important points:

i have absolutely NO intention of "tricking" dh into fathering another child with me

and i Did Not "trick" my ex into fathering a child either. he really wanted a child, he wanted me to come off the pill. i just didn't tell him when i had. (as i have already stated somewhere upthread)

and i don't want DH to give in to me and agree to try to have another DC, if its not what he wants. its that I want him to WANT one with me.

Spot on niceguy2

I think we would be better off banging our heads against the brick wall. We shan't ever get anywhere with the "Me me me me" selfish attitude. Thankfully, they are in the minority.

I just hope to god they don't ruin their daughters lives in the future by passing on their views, and them therefore tricking a bloke into a baby because it's their "right" and then being left in an unhappy, untrustworthy relationship or being left to bring up the baby on their own.

Yes, what a way to be equals in a happy relationship

My post wasn't aimed at you OP. Just the other one as at least you yourself have admitted you know really it is unreasonable to question his love for you over this.

OP, you say

"and i Did Not "trick" my ex into fathering a child either. he really wanted a child, he wanted me to come off the pill. i just didn't tell him when i had. (as i have already stated somewhere upthread)"

So apparently you didn't trick him because he wanted a child. But you also said earlier that you didn't want him and so we're planning to raise the child as a single mother as you knew you were going to break up with him.

So, was your ex'es desire for a child unconditional? Surely it is one thing to say you want a child when you imagine that you and your partner will try to raise that baby as a family, but quite another thing to say you want a child knowing that they are planning to leave you once they are pregnant so you will never get a chance to be a family?

In your ex'es case you didn't tell him the whole story. If you had, do you still think he would have wanted that child, or would he have waited for someone who loved him and wanted to raise it with him?

I don't know, but I suspect he would have waited. By not telling him how you felt you deceived him.

If you really loved him you would not push him for a child he does not want.

If you really loved your children you would not want for another one to be born that is not wanted by his/her dad.

Yabu

yeah i know what you are saying bluegrass

he didn't deserve that, i know. it was really awful of me and selfish. its not an excuse but i was quite young and immature, i was also scared and sure if i left my ex (ds dad) i wouldn't find anyone else to have a child with, which was down to my own low self esteem and low sense of self worth. i don't regret having ds but i regret how he came about :(

and fwiw ds bio dad has lots of contact with him, is a great dad to him, and we all get on well. i know that doesn't excuse what i did btw.

Op your children are still so young. Yes they are easier now but it's gets much much harder and much more expensive as they get older...

I have 4 oldest 23 youngest 12 and honestly to put the oldest 2 thru uni is a huge commitment as loan is a joke to live on.

School trips, clothes, social life it's endless even when both partners work full time and kids have always had sat jobs.

I adore my kids but if your dh doesn't think you can afford anymore please listen...

YANBU to want another child.
YABU to want your DH to want one too.

YANBU to want another child.
DH is NBU to not want one.

He has given valid reasons, you have valid reasons. Stalemate.

notnanny I hope you are still here. You have inspired me to take a lover, have an affair. Maybe two. Just in case, you know, something happens to DH. Until I read your post I didn't realise how unprepared I was!

And of course, DH would not mind because , after all, if he looked in the mirror and considered how fragile life really is, he would want me to be having plenty of sex and not have to take a break for grieving

I just want to say that I know the feeling. I would love more kids, but my OH had a vasectomy to avoid the situation arising. At the time I felt very resentful that my feelings mattered so little to him that he would do that, and even now I feel that way sometimes, but his feelings were just a valid as mine, and sometimes we have the best of what we have and count ourselves blessed that we have the children we do have, when so many people would love to be in our shoes. His reasons for not wanting any more children are valid, as are my DH's. I know we can't really afford any more, our house isn't big enough, teh kids are getting older etc. In fact my DH is always talking about "when they have all left home" - the youngest is 3!

WantsAnotherOne, I could be way off beam here, but it does seem to me that the reason you want another baby is tied up with your 'dissatisfaction' (for want of a better word) with the circumstances of all your other pregnancies.

Pregnancy 1 - you used a man as a sperm donor because you were, in your own words, selfish, young and immature, with low self-esteem/self-worth. I'd guess that in some way you thought that being a mother could give you some sense of purpose and worth that you were lacking at that time. You had a miserable pregnancy, feeling so unhappy as to wish you would miscarry - that must have sent your sense of self-worth plummeting all the more.

Pregnancy 2 - contraceptive failure, terminated. Regretted very much.

Pregnancy 3 - complete abdication of contraception on the part of both you and DH while mourning - "so we both just stopped using contraception, but it wasn't a conscious thing as such, we didn't say, lets try for DC, it just, happened. " I wonder if, in some way, you didn't say "let's try" because you didn't want to tempt fate, you were both punishing yourselves for the termination?

I think you have some idealised 'romantic' notions that you hold subconsciously as to how it (pregnancy, adulthood, life in general) is meant to be. I don't know how your low self-esteem came about, but you seem welded to the idea that it can be repaired by motherhood, and a particularly idealised form of motherhood to boot. Your three pregnancies do not conform to this idealised notion, so you are still longing for the ideal pregnancy - "the experience of "trying" for a baby with someone I love" that you posted about in your OP.

Holding yourself up against an ideal is a really efficient way to feel bad about yourself, because no way can you measure up to the ideal. Nobody can. I think you still have some issues with your self-worth. Maybe if you could look at dealing with that, you would find that you no longer want another baby, that you would find fulfillment in what you already have - a loving husband and two lovely children.

As an aside, I would take issue with your regarding your DC as unplanned. The first was very planned, and the second both you and DH ensured it's inevitability, which is planned in my book.

Victorian values!

Wow. More impressive victim creating. Good work.

Seriously, a child is NOT a right. Not for anyone.
A child is the responsibility of TWO people. BOTH make that decision.

Whats really Victorian is suggesting that children are all about a woman and a woman's desires alone and a man must provide it.
Nope. Incorrect.
Try harder.

I'd love to know your thoughts about the situation if a man said he wanted a child and if his woman didn't agree she didn't love him and how he could force her against her will to have a baby, yeshewouldyouknow.

Which thinking is truly more Victorian?

YABU, I'm afraid, OP.

My soon to be DH is very broody, and I've said I want to wait a bit as I'm in the middle of training for a new career and want to get qualified before I get pg.

If he were to say to me 'If you loved me, you'd get pg now' I would be horrified at such flagrant emotional blackmail. The chorus of 'Leave The Bastard' here on MN would be unanimous. Sorry, but it cuts both ways.

YABU.

Having a baby is not a 'who stamps their feet loudest' issue.

You can't make him want to have another baby if he doesn't. Trust me, I have been there. All you can do is make yourself want what you already have.

You seem to have a very romaticised view of having another baby - that trying and then having the baby will be a lovely wonderful experience that will bring you together and it will bind your family. It doesn't always work like that. You have two children so I am slightly unsure why your position is coming across as very naive. Sorry if that sounds harsh but something seems to be unsaid