To resent DH's 'ambition'?

[DreamMachine]

Since I have known DH, the longest he has held down a job is 6 months. By job I mean working for someone as an employee. He has always wanted to be his own boss. His dreams have ranged from buying a yacht in the Dominican and setting up a chartering business, to becoming a private pilot. Each dream he has thought of he has spent a considerable amount of time seriously looking into it, almost obsessing over it to the point were I think 'Oh he really wants this, I best offer some support', and I always have. He wants, in his words - 'A business that can run itself, that we can deep the rewards of'

Last year as his first real go at being the boss he bought a fairly successful but not reaching it's potential company, but the old owner stayed on the scene doing business with us with his other companies and complications arose and DH sold back to him a few months ago for a fraction of the buying price just so he could get out. Since then, DH has started a new business venture which has seen him so far spend close to £5k on and has yet to earn a penny. Literally, not a penny.

It's not working so now after 3 months he is looking into other opportunities. He has paid upfront for an office for this failing venture for the year, mopes around the house all morning messing about with various things, and goes into the office at around midday until around 6-7pm. He comes home, I ask what he has been doing, he says 'networking', which basically means pissing about on twitter.

I am so so tired of telling him he can do anything, that I trust him to do the right thing for our family and if he thinks something will work then to go for it. I am so tired of explaining his latest venture to my family whilst they sit and listen with raised eyebrows and sceptical looks on their faces. I just want him to be normal, to use his degree and go and get a good job with stable hours, a stable income, and none of the stress and uncertainty that has been our life for the past 5 years.

He flat out refuses to work for somebody, claiming it would depress him to see the company earning money and it not being his money. At least he would be earning money then is my argument. He wants to plan for the long term, when I think we need to look at short term for now because planning for the long term isn't paying the bills. I just don't know whether to admire his determination or resent his stupidity and naivety any more.

AIBU? To just want him to grow up and accept that a life of luxury will not be handed to him on a plate for him to enjoy when he doesn't actually want to do any real work? I'm so worn down by it all. I told him not to rush home from work tonight, and he isn't home yet. :(

Sorry for whittling on

reep the rewards, not deep, sorry.

Man child, dreamer, useless waste of space.

Who is funding this ?!? You??

Besides the business last year, none of his dreams have ever come to fruition so no money had actually been spent. Whats funding it now is the sale of that business. Rapidly dwindling.

If it were that easy to set up a business that runs itself whilst making you rich, then we'd all be doing it! 3 months is not long, why is this current venture not working? Bad planning and execution? Flawed idea in the first place? Or just plain bad luck? Nothing wrong with wanting to be your own boss, but he needs to do his homework and research thoroughly, making considered decisions and calculated risks. Sounds like he's lurching from one thing to the other and expecting it all to come together by magic.

YANBU! Having big dreams is all very well but you have to have the drive to follow them through if you want to realise them. Otherwise, Get A Fucking Job. I would not be able to live with someone like that at all.

No YANBU. I feel for you. He sounds v immature to be honest. Do you work as well? How do you both support yourselves? Do you have children?

He needs to start bringing in the money. It's damn hard to be your own boss if you've never worked before I think. Even people who go into family businesses would have had experience with working the shopfloor, dealing with customers, dealing with suppliers etc before being their own boss.

My dh became his own boss in the last year... After working for others in other practices for 10 years. This is also after qualifying having studied for 7 years.

A friend of mine just set up on his own too. After working as a hospital registrar then consultant in hospital for 10 years too. Plus going for further training etc.

Setting up your own business requires not only business sense and acumen (understanding profits loss, margins, accounts, employment law etc) but also knowledge about the business.

Most of us can 'cook'. Some better than others. But I doubt we are all setting up our own cafes and restaurants!!!

YANBU. I was in a similar situation to yours last year. DP quit his job to set up his own business which he sank almost three grand of our savings into. As far as I am aware it has yet to generate ANY return .
Fortunately he realised fairly quickly he'd backed a three legged donkey and was able to call in a favour in his old work place. He didn't get his old job back but at least he got some part time work.
I have only recently forgiven him for being so catastrophically stupid and he has promised not to set up anymore ventures without doing proper research and a business plan first!
I think you might have to be quite firm with your DH, maybe even give him some kind of ultimatum. Sometimes I just don't think men's brains are wired up quite correctly, they all seem to go through phases of thinking they could be the next Alan Sugar!
What does your DH say when you voice your concerns to him about money and responsibility for family etc?

It's not ambition though is it ? Ambition suggests achieving a particular aim - he's just pissing about playing pretendy-Sir-Alan.

No business runs itself. All the self-employed / business owners I know work as hard as anyone else with less security than most. He is either deluded or taking the piss.

He lost money though selling it back to the old owner though didn't he?

I'd be having a talk about how long you are both realistically going to give this new business to take off. At some point you have to cut your losses right?

If all he's doing is tweeting 7 hours a day at some point you're going to get a tad resentful of him being at 'work' while you're at home with the children/ domestic stuff aren't you???

He sounds like a Loser. Sorry. Tell him to man up and get a job. If he is such a genius, his potential will out even if he is worjking for someone else. And you get to put food on the table in the meantime.

I would rapidly run out of patience with such a time-wasting waste of space as this.

You say he wants to be a private pilot. Can he fly??? He needs to put in the hours to learn to fly... Then actually chalk up hundreds of flying hours before he can even think about flying people around.

No money is being spent but no money is being generated either. So you're supporting a man-child.

He sounds pathetic

I sometimes dream I am the head of a multi millionaire business that runs itself

then I wake up and go to work

Has he thought about a franchise? It's not the same as owning your own business and it can be bloody frustrating at times, but it might be enough of compromise for him? There's usually more security involved at least.
He absolutely needs to stop faffing about though. He sounds very child like and naive, not to mention more than a bit lazy. You need foundations and experience to start a business from scratch and ven then there are no guarantees of success. Wanting to start one to earn heaps of cash for little work is not the way to start...

Pjmama - shit idea, badly thought out, too much competition, no room in the market, the list for it not working could go on.

Drcrab I don't work right now, have been a SAHM for 2 years (mutual choice) but am currently trying to pass my driving test so I can go into a new career I have been waiting to go into - unable to without license. We have one daughter, 3yo.

Savings are disappearing and fast, the realisation of this is what has made me suddenly think that this needs to stop, and bloody quick. He knows exactly how I feel, I told him so today when he mentioned something in the car which resulted in him literally wheel spinning away from outside of my mums house today when he was supposed to be dropping me and my mum off at the hospital to visit my dad.

He is home now, standing in the kitchen on his iPad playing games on Facebook. Have asked him not to stay in our bed tonight, I need space from him. So angry at him. He constantly calls me naive and tells me I have blinkers on because I can't see the bigger picture when he mentions a new venture.

I feel so stuck. I know 100% he won't get a job. And if he did, I don't want to feel like he resents me each time his alarm goes off in the morning. What the fuck do I do :(

you know 100% he will never get a job ?

even when the savings run out ?

really ?

what do you think you should do ?

I'm allergic to this sort of crap, having grown up with a father who sounds exactly the same except with an additional ability to attract con-men like jam attracts wasps; cue threatening phone calls, value beans on toast for years on end, opening the door to a really very polite bailiff, bankruptcy and my parents eventually divorcing. This is why I see absolutely no romance in anything but a Regular Paycheque. There is no diamond ring that could mean as much to me as my monthly pension payment, death-in-service benefit, onsite staff canteen and paid annual leave.

Unfortunately my dh did leave work to work for himself for a while. he was truly amazed to find out that he ended up basically working for minimum wage - and I was pleasantly surprised by how well he'd done tbh! He's now stopped because it's hellishly stressful working for yourself.

I think for this sort of person, the idea of a franchise spells disaster tbh. 'A business that can run itself' - WTF? Where does he get those sorts of ideas from?

What work do you do, and how much pension provision do you have? Do you work full-time and are you using your ISA allowance? Can you support the family?

I don't know how you put up with this. He's a useless piece of work. Good luck. You could tell him not to come home till he brings some money in?

'naive'

ha

my first husband called me a puritan - because i didn't particularly enjoy doing nothing but sit around the house watching videos.

Tell us a bit more. do you have children? Are you working?

Can you go our to work and he looks after kids? I know someone who's work is so sporadic(nature of industry) that the dw works full time. He essentially is living off her and yet still paying out for childcare (can't be trusted to be sahp). I feel v for her.

This won't change. He won't ever work for anyone and he doesn't seem capable of working for himself.

Can you tell me whether he displays other narcissistic tendencies? It sounds to me as though he thinks work is for other people and those who are special (ie him) shouldn't have to work, but deserve to have money flowing in.

In your position I'd get out now. He won't change. All that will happen is that your savings will disappear and you will work longer and longer hours (and it won't matter if you don't enjoy that job) so that you can fund his ridiculous ideas.

Right, xpost, sorry.

My best advice? Get a job. And if it isn't in the 'new career', then tough.

One 3yo daughter Joan, I don't work at the moment, been a SAHM for 2 years and we're currently surviving on savings and child tax credit - that's it. I am close to passing my driving test which is what I need to work again in the field I want to. I know once I have that job I'd probably stick with it for life. Oh to hear him say those words!

Anyfucker - This is how warped I have become by it all. I almost feel like I am punishing him for wanting a better life for us. That's his reasons for doing it. Except he's not doing it.

you forgot something, joan

my advice would be "get a job and dump the man-child"