To resent DH's 'ambition'?

[DreamMachine]

Since I have known DH, the longest he has held down a job is 6 months. By job I mean working for someone as an employee. He has always wanted to be his own boss. His dreams have ranged from buying a yacht in the Dominican and setting up a chartering business, to becoming a private pilot. Each dream he has thought of he has spent a considerable amount of time seriously looking into it, almost obsessing over it to the point were I think 'Oh he really wants this, I best offer some support', and I always have. He wants, in his words - 'A business that can run itself, that we can deep the rewards of'

Last year as his first real go at being the boss he bought a fairly successful but not reaching it's potential company, but the old owner stayed on the scene doing business with us with his other companies and complications arose and DH sold back to him a few months ago for a fraction of the buying price just so he could get out. Since then, DH has started a new business venture which has seen him so far spend close to £5k on and has yet to earn a penny. Literally, not a penny.

It's not working so now after 3 months he is looking into other opportunities. He has paid upfront for an office for this failing venture for the year, mopes around the house all morning messing about with various things, and goes into the office at around midday until around 6-7pm. He comes home, I ask what he has been doing, he says 'networking', which basically means pissing about on twitter.

I am so so tired of telling him he can do anything, that I trust him to do the right thing for our family and if he thinks something will work then to go for it. I am so tired of explaining his latest venture to my family whilst they sit and listen with raised eyebrows and sceptical looks on their faces. I just want him to be normal, to use his degree and go and get a good job with stable hours, a stable income, and none of the stress and uncertainty that has been our life for the past 5 years.

He flat out refuses to work for somebody, claiming it would depress him to see the company earning money and it not being his money. At least he would be earning money then is my argument. He wants to plan for the long term, when I think we need to look at short term for now because planning for the long term isn't paying the bills. I just don't know whether to admire his determination or resent his stupidity and naivety any more.

AIBU? To just want him to grow up and accept that a life of luxury will not be handed to him on a plate for him to enjoy when he doesn't actually want to do any real work? I'm so worn down by it all. I told him not to rush home from work tonight, and he isn't home yet. :(

Sorry for whittling on

It's also a red herring to spend money on ipads and premises. Dps first office was our broom cupboard. He is a programmer/designer and he basically builds our computers from bits of other computers. Running costs are kept as low as possible. It is not glamorous. Sigh.

He is talking about getting an ipad now though as he is developing apps.

aboutlastnight 'it is not glamorous' - arf at that. I'm sitting in our office. During the evenings it is also my piano teaching room. In another life it was our dining room.

I work on my aged laptop but we're hoping that I can get a new one later this year as this one's beginning to be a bit of a liability.

We're avoiding premises like the plague as they are a drain. Even though I'd love to have my dining room back, I'd like this to be successful for more than a year or two more.

Also just to say, my DH also has his schemes and has done courses and work experience to build up his skills and try it out to see if he could get into a new career or start his own business. However, he sees his first priority as supporting his family, which means paid, stable employment. Everything else is a hobby which plays second fiddle to his family responsibilities. It drives me slightly mad when he comes up with his next 'big idea' but I have the security of knowing where his priorities are.

His attitude towards you is very unreasonable. Our dishwasher has packed in and I had to sit DH down last night and explain that I couldn't afford to pay half. I asked whether he'd consider going without for a few months or whether he had concerns at the amount I'm investing in my business (I'm currently paying my share into the joint account but it's either dishwasher or marketing project for me). He said he has faith in my business and would buy the dishwasher by himself because he wants me to do the marketing project.

Just because it's MY business doesn't mean he doesn't get a say. If he'd said I was spending too much then I'd have to listen to him. It's 100% my business, my decisions are 50% of our marriage.

Oh and "networking" for me means getting up at 6am once a week to go to a business breakfast club and developing my contacts list. When it finishes around 9am I start my days work.

Can I just second comments about premises. They do not make a business but they do bring an added drain on resources. Unless your enterprise relies on passing trade, premises are usually the very last thing you need or should be spending money on when setting up a business. Nowadays, with an ever greater use of the internet for shopping, even retail businesses that would previously require premises can be run from home with any meetings arranged at client's premises or enterprise centres.

Unfortunately, every business fantasist that I've come across has rushed out to rent premises at the outset. Not least, I suspect, because it allows them to give the misguided impression that they leave the house to do anything even vaguely related to work. It is also impossible to get a realistic idea of what they are doing in the hours they spend "at the office".

OP, it sounds like your DH's idea of running a business is to set up his own little cargo cult (google it).

It would perhaps be better if he could get part time work at the very least and pursue his business ideas in his spare time.

Renting business premises is not wise at all. Surely he could run things from a shed / garden office?

How has he been funding his little enterprises? You say savings, well savings from what exactly? Have you been bankrolling this - if so, tell him that he needs to start make money NOW to clear the debt for his old failed venture before you will agree that he can "invest" any more of your own, or joint money, whatsoever. Set up a "debt repayment plan" and agree how much a month he will pay back.

If he needs to get a cleaning job or shelf stacking part time to do so then then so be it!

ANyone who;s actually going to succeed at being his/her own boss will have put in some years working for employers and doing the self-employed stuff in his/her spare time. Your H doesn;t want to work. I bet he does fuck all housework, as well. He is a parasite and I think you need to seriously contemplate getting rid of him. Because the next step may well be that you insist he gets a job and.... No one will employ him, because it will be obvious to them that he is a selfish lazy waste of oxygen. Or, if he actually agrees to go and work for the sort of company that will take on any old knobber, he will be sacked within a few days for incompetence, laziness or obnoxiousness.

I think if he was working like a dog, juggling a paying job whilst networking and spending his spare time improving his business then it would be worth supporting.

If only life was so easy as to start a business and reap the rewards. We'd all be bloody doing it. My parents have their own business and only now after 30 years they can take a bit of a breather. Well they could...but they don't.

I've just started a side business which I also hope will grow but at the same time I'm holding down my full time job so I can pay the mortgage and bills. I'd never even consider jacking it in and taking such a big risk with my families financial security.

It doesn't sound like he is willing to work hard enough and make the sacrifices needed to make it work. The question is whether you are willing to stay with him or not if he continues down this path?

Lazy fantasist :( YANBU OP. He needs to do some work.
A business that 'runs itself' ? That happens to a minuscule % after years and years of hard work.
As if it all fell down from the sky into Richard Branson's lap :(
You're DH sounds like a not very bright 15 year old who wants to be a 'celebrity'. Where is his talent? Is there any or is he just talentless(ly) arrogant?
So sorry he's doing this, it must be really hard to put up with :(

Your not you're

Am I the only one seriously impressed by all the MN business starters?

Wow, you guys rock :)

OP

"He wants, in his words - 'A business that can run itself, that we can reap the rewards of'"

Sorry, but that is just laughable.

He has no good ideas, no work ethic and no work experience.

He's pretty close to unemployable, so I'm not sure how well that will work as an option either.

He does sound like in dire need of a reality check and seems to be taking advantage of your good nature. Passive income involves a lot of up-front work and is very rarely really passive even quite late in the game. I would guess he's been reading a lot of online psuedo-business stuff from a bunch of quacks.

IF you want to keep him around, I would give him business information from reputable authors maybe even support him by buying him a proper business course. I would recommend Ramit Sethi's Earn1K, particularly for your DH, as he has no time for the passive income bandwagon and is quite ruthless. It is expensive (though not as much as he's already done apparently) and very good. Possibly better would be a recent book "The $100 start-up" might help him focus on businesses that involve lower financial input to start off with, the author is quite good. Some proper reading material from real everyday business owners may give him a wake-up call. Though some die-hards living in fantasy land will always be there regardless of evidence.

I am impressed that you have put up with this and stayed level-headed, it would have driven me nuts, or rather, I woldn't be attached to someone who behaved this way.

He is not ambitious he is a dreamer. Ask to see his business plan so you can understand the realities an support him appropriately. If he's relying on you to support him financially, including through providing childcare, he should be treating you like a bank manager, with great respect and caution.

You are concerned about seeming to hold him back but the question is what are his priorities and where does supporting his family fit into that? Don't beg, he has a plan to support you or doing this is not his priority and you know where you stand. Of course he can admit it's difficult and ask for help but within the parameters of seriously intending to support his family.

having given the OPs "D"H the benefit of the doubt in my previous post, I am now wondering to be honest if there is any hope for him at all. He just seems to be completed detached from reality. Some people are very persuasive - they can persuade themselves of anything! He seems to have created an alternate reality where he really does have a proper job and whoever is the person to bring it all crashing down will no doubt get the blame as far as he is concerned...

Can he sail? Can he fly? Do his ideas have any basis in reality at all?

Can I just add, he was an idiot to take on an office. A year on, we are making profit, and the office is still our kitchen table. He clearly has no business sense.

Well to be fair OP, I am a serial business starter. Some of them have flopped but some have made me a heap of cash. It's often difficult to know which will be which.

Sometimes you do have to take a risk.

However, the idea that he can start up a business and it will run itself is delusional. Your business will, in the beginning, take up all your bloody time!!! Yes, it may run itself eventually or you might sell out and make a packet. But that will usually be well down the line.

Would it be feasible for you to work and he is SAHD? Might that be an option?

Why is your focus on whether you are holding him back when he is the one holding you back?

Doesn't that matter to either of you?

I had a boyfriend a bit like him once- hated the idea of working for anyone else and when he did would constantly slag off his boss and claim that he could do the job 100 times better. I found it bizarre - surely one of the best ways to learn about business is to have a boss, respect him/her, watch and learn and prove yourself by contributing? OP, why did you fall in love with him in the beginning- did you find his "ambition" inspiring/admirable? Or did you love him despite it but hope he'd grow out if it when you had a family? In his defence, from what you say about his family they all sound a bit downtrodden so maybe he's rebelling against that. However he sounds like the classic "Rebel without a Clue". But actually you seem to have your business head screwed on- does he refuse to take your advice? Can you suggest that you run this business together? Would your new driving job allow you to have a part time role in his business?

Bloody man's a psychopath - one of the types of psychopath is someone who thinks he's too good to work and it is the duty of other people (all of whom he considers inferior to him) to support, feed, house and indulge him.

OK I quite a few people will have dated wannabe rock stars, artists, writers etc, and if someone is a musician or a painter or a poet then s/he would be really miserable if forced to give up the activity. BUT it's possible to readjust and live a reasonably productive life with that kind of passion if you want to have a family: you work out ways to make your passion earn a bit of money (teaching other people how to play the guitar or take photographs or whatever) or you find a dull but adequately paid job and confine your art to your spare time.

However the man in this case doesn't appear to have any particular skill, either, he just wants to be adored and given money for no effort at all.

I had a similar scenario to yours. My husband took redundancy then decided to become self employed, saying he didn't want to work for someone else anymore. He didn't try to set up a business which would run itself but spent his time doing something he'd always dreamed of doing.. Similarly thought he'd always say he was doing it to give us a better life etc.

He initially made good money but that stopped and for the last 3 years I've been financially supporting us through a combination of savings and working, and ranging between trying to support him emotionally with it all, to begging him to get a job with a regular income.

I took a new stressful job with a commute & long hours to support us and our 1 yo and left him to be a SAHD. Finally he's started a job again and to rebuild his career, largely as he was approached with an offer rather than him seeking it out, very fortunately for us.

I'm not sure I can ever fully forgive him though for all the stress he's caused. I feel he's been unbelievably selfish in his actions and it makes me sad but i'm looking forward to us both working now.

Hope your husband sees sense eventually too.

I wonder whether he is actually scared that he won't be able to get a job or be any good at it? Is he refusing to be an employee because he can't face that fear?

If you intend to remain married to this man, then my advice is to have completely separate finances, once you begin work. Do not allow him to name you as a director of his 'business' and ask a solicitor what you need to do in order to avoid having any personal liability for any business debts.

In your position I would want the house to be in my name (so it couldn't be used to guarantee any loans) and I would want my savings and wages to go into a bank account in my name only. Ignore any pressure form him to financially support his ambitions.

I'm not sure if you can do that and still have a happy marriage, but you must prioritise your child's stability.

He's had long enough to make this work. I would be unable and unwilling to support it further, at the expense of my own right to a decent standard of living.