To resent DH's 'ambition'?

[DreamMachine]

Since I have known DH, the longest he has held down a job is 6 months. By job I mean working for someone as an employee. He has always wanted to be his own boss. His dreams have ranged from buying a yacht in the Dominican and setting up a chartering business, to becoming a private pilot. Each dream he has thought of he has spent a considerable amount of time seriously looking into it, almost obsessing over it to the point were I think 'Oh he really wants this, I best offer some support', and I always have. He wants, in his words - 'A business that can run itself, that we can deep the rewards of'

Last year as his first real go at being the boss he bought a fairly successful but not reaching it's potential company, but the old owner stayed on the scene doing business with us with his other companies and complications arose and DH sold back to him a few months ago for a fraction of the buying price just so he could get out. Since then, DH has started a new business venture which has seen him so far spend close to £5k on and has yet to earn a penny. Literally, not a penny.

It's not working so now after 3 months he is looking into other opportunities. He has paid upfront for an office for this failing venture for the year, mopes around the house all morning messing about with various things, and goes into the office at around midday until around 6-7pm. He comes home, I ask what he has been doing, he says 'networking', which basically means pissing about on twitter.

I am so so tired of telling him he can do anything, that I trust him to do the right thing for our family and if he thinks something will work then to go for it. I am so tired of explaining his latest venture to my family whilst they sit and listen with raised eyebrows and sceptical looks on their faces. I just want him to be normal, to use his degree and go and get a good job with stable hours, a stable income, and none of the stress and uncertainty that has been our life for the past 5 years.

He flat out refuses to work for somebody, claiming it would depress him to see the company earning money and it not being his money. At least he would be earning money then is my argument. He wants to plan for the long term, when I think we need to look at short term for now because planning for the long term isn't paying the bills. I just don't know whether to admire his determination or resent his stupidity and naivety any more.

AIBU? To just want him to grow up and accept that a life of luxury will not be handed to him on a plate for him to enjoy when he doesn't actually want to do any real work? I'm so worn down by it all. I told him not to rush home from work tonight, and he isn't home yet. :(

Sorry for whittling on

*his fantasies

I agree. The very fact that his mate is begging him to take work suggests that they too know that he's something of a waster. They probably don't know that he's an abusive waster but a waster none the less.

They probably all think you're a saint and if when you end it I'm guessing many will think even if they don't say: 'I wonder what took her so long'.

You deserve more. Your dd deserves more.

Some people who don't want to work manage to live comfortably by charming others into supporting them; he's not even bothering to do that.

Spectacularly well put, SGB.

'Marriage over, or live like this forever.'

I don't believe that. Things change a lot, life is long. You are in a really really bad patch and he is behaving appallingly. That doesn't have to last forever.

'The very fact that his mate is begging him to take work suggests that they too know that he's something of a waster.'

It also suggests he's got something to offer, which is presumably why you are with him in the first place.

What do you suggest the OP does then joan? Because appealing to her husband's better nature sure isn't working.

If I were you, I'd get your driving test and kick him out - he's a total waste of space.

And I don't believe he's mentally ill either - he's just an abusive twat

I think she should stick to her plan, get that driving test and get a job. Any chance of speeding that up OP?

I also think this evening she should open discussions about that terrible email exchange. Face to face and angry.

Honestly - I think you are both as bad as one another in way. You both need to realise that not everyone gets to do their dream job/career and that sometimes you have to do something else while you are waiting to achieve that goal. He sounds like a waste of space - setting up a business using family funds should be a joint decision and ending that venture should be the same joint decision with an agreed plan of action. On the other hand, it seems a bit rich for you to be laying into him while having yourself not worked for 2 years and waiting until you have passed your driving test so that you can get into the career you want.

IMo, sorry to sound harsh, but you both need to buck your ideas up and do something to bring in some money between you before your savings run out and you end up the creek without a paddle. I am the main earner in my household because I have the greater earning power at the moment. I do miss time with the children and I'm not doing my "dream" job but I make the best of it and enjoy my job 90% of the time which is good going.

One day it would be nice to do my dream job, but like most people today the bills need to be paid by someone and right now I am best placed to do that.

Probably sounds harsh but I have little patience for people holding out for the perfect job/career/role rather than living in the real world.

Have ambitions, yes, but keep your feet on the ground and your heads out of the clouds in the meantime!

Why is the OP as bad Elvis?

They had an agreement about her being a SAHM, before she starts a job in September, which she is on course to do. He on the other hand refuses to get a proper job and pissed away the family savings, which was no part of the deal, so he hasnt held up his side of the agreement.

The OP tried to be supportive in the hope that he would make a go of his businesses and he hasnt. I hardly think that she is being selfish and unrealistic for wanting to do a job that she already has in the bag, just for the want of her driving license, which she should get very soon.

The OP is doing a job; she is looking after the children. THe deal was that she would do that while he earned some money. He's not earning any money, he's spending it.

Do you think perhaps he is nervous about working and is hiding it? I have a friend who would be extremely dismissive of 9-5 jobs but only because she didn't feel she could do it. And because she'd been out of work for so long she found the whole work thing really stressful - genuinely. She found it all relentless. She is a very very smart woman and is now doing well, but it took a LOT of coaxing to get her to stay in her job originally from a whole gang of people. If his only family are laughing at the OP's dh, he has a lot to prove. It's quite a lot of pressure and perhaps he feels he can't back down.

Einstein worked as a clerk in the Patents office while formulating his theories. Being quite a clever chap, he realized that regardless of his desire to spend his entire time navel gazing, he needed to earn some pennies.

Very harsh post from Elvis. Have you actually read any of this thread?

Flashmolly, I read the first few posts, didn't have time to read the whole thing. I have read a bit more now and seen the email from the OP's DH and he does sound like a waste of space so I agree with the other posts about that. Perhaps I was a little harsh on the OP and from reading further down it does sound that op you do have a plan to go back to work in september - hopefully you will get through your driving test. Question is do you want to support your DH - doesn't sound like his reasons for being a sahd are very sound and I doubt he will keep the house and do all the playdates and thinks - he sounds pretty lazy to me!!

OP I think you would be better out of it but I guess that's a choice for you to make now.

i think he sounds like an abusive entitled twat with great ideas of grandeur. The jobs he suggested (luxury yacht/pilot) are the pipe dreams of the rich and famous, and not realistic goals at all.
I have friends who do yaucht chartering in the caribbean BUT (and here's the big BUT) they had to work their arses off for years crewing for other people, often not very nice people, and delivering rich peoples boats to earn the money and the experience needed to do a job like that. AND in the off season they did any other jobs - teaching, carpentry, running a guest house in their home. It certainly wasnt swanning around drinking cocktails as the sun goes down.
And a private pilot. OMFG....

The problem with OP working and DH being a SAHD is that she wouldn't be able to rely on him for childcare - how long would it be before OP ended up having to take a day's parental leave from work because DH is refusing to do childcare due to having arranged some 'business meeting' ?

OP will need professional childcare in order to secure her own career.

OP does your OH actually have any skills or qualifications is he simply an ordinary man with nothing other than vague ambition?

I am self-employed and like many others here have to work very long hours sometimes but I have the qualifications & training (7 years full time education & training) and experience (several years post qualification) in my chosen field so my ambitions - such as they are - are at least founded on a silid basis.

or even, a solid basis :)

He does sound like my brother who is going to be the next John Lennon doncha know . In reality he is a middle aged loser who has never left home and sponges off our elderly mother.

Hi Dream

I'm really sorry to hear about what you are going through, my husband has just started his own business and whilst I think it will succeed, I do need to give him a subtle and sometimes not so subtle kick up the pants now and again when I think he needs it - its Warcraft with mine not Twitter.

I'm not sure this is worth wrecking your marriage over, serious motivation might be what's needed, give him the "flattening out" you mentioned and let him stew on it then try to build him back up again - it can be very de-motivating spending all day on your own with a business and not seeming to get anywhere.

Could you enlist the help of his parents? You say they have run corner shops etc for years, they obviously have business experience and they could maybe help him (with advice not money) with getting going and keeping him on the right track and if nothing else they would be a motivating factor. Part of your "flattening out" could be the insistence he lets them get involved - I would also be absolutely honest with them about how you are feeling and the real situation then at least you have allies.

Hope everything works out