To resent DH's 'ambition'?

[DreamMachine]

Since I have known DH, the longest he has held down a job is 6 months. By job I mean working for someone as an employee. He has always wanted to be his own boss. His dreams have ranged from buying a yacht in the Dominican and setting up a chartering business, to becoming a private pilot. Each dream he has thought of he has spent a considerable amount of time seriously looking into it, almost obsessing over it to the point were I think 'Oh he really wants this, I best offer some support', and I always have. He wants, in his words - 'A business that can run itself, that we can deep the rewards of'

Last year as his first real go at being the boss he bought a fairly successful but not reaching it's potential company, but the old owner stayed on the scene doing business with us with his other companies and complications arose and DH sold back to him a few months ago for a fraction of the buying price just so he could get out. Since then, DH has started a new business venture which has seen him so far spend close to £5k on and has yet to earn a penny. Literally, not a penny.

It's not working so now after 3 months he is looking into other opportunities. He has paid upfront for an office for this failing venture for the year, mopes around the house all morning messing about with various things, and goes into the office at around midday until around 6-7pm. He comes home, I ask what he has been doing, he says 'networking', which basically means pissing about on twitter.

I am so so tired of telling him he can do anything, that I trust him to do the right thing for our family and if he thinks something will work then to go for it. I am so tired of explaining his latest venture to my family whilst they sit and listen with raised eyebrows and sceptical looks on their faces. I just want him to be normal, to use his degree and go and get a good job with stable hours, a stable income, and none of the stress and uncertainty that has been our life for the past 5 years.

He flat out refuses to work for somebody, claiming it would depress him to see the company earning money and it not being his money. At least he would be earning money then is my argument. He wants to plan for the long term, when I think we need to look at short term for now because planning for the long term isn't paying the bills. I just don't know whether to admire his determination or resent his stupidity and naivety any more.

AIBU? To just want him to grow up and accept that a life of luxury will not be handed to him on a plate for him to enjoy when he doesn't actually want to do any real work? I'm so worn down by it all. I told him not to rush home from work tonight, and he isn't home yet. :(

Sorry for whittling on

RIchman is right. He wouldnt suggest being a SAHD if he knew what it actually entails. He wants to be a SAHLF (stay at home lazy fucker), and he would not be a good parent to your DD if was in sole charge of her all day.

Bloody Hell Dream, I don't even know where to start. His reply back to you isn't even rational! Fuck me, I wouldn't want to be with someone who thought he was too good to do a lick of work, and considered what you did 'babysitting'. Also mocking you and telling you that your dream job is 'shitty' when he hasn't worked in a single occupation for more than 6 months, is off the planet, don't you think?

And who is are you sponging off? I take it he is bringing in 'untold riches' from his non-existent business?!?! What sort of job does he think he is best suited to with his spotty CV?!?! CEO/Managing Director of a Multinational?!?!

Again, FUCK ME!

Also if he became a sahd, and then you split, he would be able to argue that he was the primary carer - you could lose custody of dd if by that time, you were working ft and he was still sitting on his arse not. Or he could screw you for maintenance.

I sounds as tho your DH has ADD to me. I'm not saying that glibly, as a criticism, but as an observation on his lack of follow on and his lack of attention to detail in actually making his own business work.

It sounds as tho, for him, it's all in the vision and the delivery is irrelevant and even boring to him ( even if he had the ability to deliver). On that basis, he is absolutely the wrong person to be running a small business.

I can't really help on how you address this tho, other than to back up what other people have said about separating your finances and perhaps thinking thru how you personally will be Able to support your family.

SGB "ANyone who;s actually going to succeed at being his/her own boss will have put in some years working for employers and doing the self-employed stuff in his/her spare time."

Not true. DH started his own business straight out of university and it is still going strong.

So sorry to read your updates DM. :(

I've suggested he goes to his GP because -

• either he really is depressed in which case he won't be able to sort this out and expecting him to do so will lead to more stress and acrimony. Getting some treatment and perhaps some counselling might help him take responsibility for his own decisions.

• or his bluff is called

OP, take care of yourself, too.

Thats a hell of thing to say based on one thread about his working habits! You should be at the Olympics for jumping to that conclusion!

The dillusions, the schemes, the over excitement of things without thinking them through, all symptoms of someone having a bi-polar episode. Not sure why thats jumping to conclusions really...

Agree with everyone else. The thing is, there are people to whom success just seems to come effortlessly, but it's usually because they're well-connected or have inherited a lot of money. The trouble is, the OP's husband has probably read stories about the odd entrepreneur who had a brilliant idea (usually Internet-related) that made a million pounds. Those people are very rare, however. For the most part, to build up a successful business, you have to start from the bottom and work incredibly hard.

I agree with the concerns expressed by karmabeliever about him becoming a SAHD and then sitting around all day not properly taking care of your DD, while you are out working to support him, still. Then he will have yet another excuse not to work (not saying being an SAHP isn't working - but I think this bloke would do as little as possible) and you will find it harder to disrupt that.

He should definitely take the hours offered by his friend, and work on the business around that. If he is refusing to do so that is highly unreasonable.

I think you need to see the starting point of your new job as when a new life starts with just yourself and the one child to support, not two.

OP - Firstly you need to take responsibility for yourself and your family and get a job. I dont doubt that you work hard taking care of your DD but clearly your DH is not going to be a reliable earner so you need to do this. Sorry if this sounds tough, I dont mean it to be but this is your reality.
If you continue to rely on a feckless man for support, you will always be in this position.

In terms of supporting his dreams, well you need to stop that

Lovey, I'm so sorry it's come to this. I think that whether or not there's depression or anything else at play here he's made his position clear. He's been doing so implicitly for years, now explicitly.

I don't normally give this sort of advice but I would truly suggest that you end the relationship - concentrate on your dd and giving her what she needs.

When you married I bet you did the for richer for poorer etc but that's a two way thing. I don't bring in much money but I do all the childcare and most of the house stuff. We don't work it out in £s but in terms of contribution. I pull my weight and so does dh.

I think it was bogeyface further up but it will hurt - a lot. But it will be all in one go. Do you still want to be in the same place in 1, 2, 5, 10 years? With all the associated hurt still?

Hugs.

If only diagnosing bi polar were that easy.,,

Have you told him unequivocally that you had to miss bedtimes etc when you had to work? Write down all those things, sacrifices you have made and so on. Then ask him what exactly it is that makes him above doing the same. Why does he think he is too good to do what you have done, what everyone else does. What is it that he has contributed to the family while he has been doing his best. What and how exactly does this form of doing his best benefit his family?

So far he has fucked up a perfectly good business and sold it at a loss. Is squandering savings on unnecessary 'assets' ie, office space, an iPad etc (I'm sure there's more), presumably doesn't do bedtimes anyway.

What exactly is this business he is running now? What is his strategy for the next 3m, 6m, year, 5 years?

You need to drag him into reality, so you have to make him come up with those answers. If you can make him think about what he is doing realistically then he has half a chance of getting himself into the position he wants in (many years' time) and your marriage will occupy a safer and stronger position.

I'm sure you could push him, but I doubt it'll actually make any difference to him and he'll just get cross, so all the above will be a bit of a waste of time. But.... there's a tiny possibility .... I suppose ....

Good luck with whatever you choose to do. Tbh I'd be washing my hands.

Jux's first para looks like a good plan of action IMO.

Can't he get a job to fund the business? What does he actually DO all day? you know, self running businesses are probably non existant. My DP is a carpenter - works for himself, all the hours god sends, we are always stressed and money is short, but at least he goes out and WORKS for the money he earns. I'm sorry but your DH sounds like a spoilt brat who has had everything handed to him on a plate. What are you going to do when the money runs out? Do you have a mortgage? How long before you can't pay that? He needs to wake up and smell the coffee before you lose everything

Has your DH talked to business advisors or applied for any grants? If he had, he'd have had to produce a plan and explain it sensibly. Going through such a process might help him assess how realistic his plans are nd how long til he's likely to make a profit. How could anyone trying to do their best refuse an opportunity to secure grants to boost their business?

When hearing the 'I'm special, I need to fulfill my potential rather than do a boring job' line, I always think of George Orwell, who ran a shop with his wife to keep a regular income, while also having something of a saleable talent for things that interested him.

Time to pack your parachute.

Wow OP, what an awful response from your DH :(

If he doesn't apologise and get real sometime today I would seriously be considering my options for lone parenthood :(

lottiegb I think of Anthony Trollope getting up at 5am every morning to do a stint writing his novels before he went to work. The OP's husband sounds a very, very long way from being someone who would get up at 5am to work at the thing they really wanted to do.

Oh dear, Dream, after reading your update I have given up on the benefit of the doubt. In summary, he's trying to make you feel guilty so as to keep you funding his ego. You are suffering emotional and financial abuse. No wonder you feel "conditioned".

You need to gather your resources, I fear, because this isn't going anywhere good.
I'm glad to see you're getting some excellent supportive, pragmatic replies here. All the best.

I agree with those who have called it abuse, as well. He is damaging your quality of life and your future prospects for no good reason: he is never going to make a family-supporting or even self-supporting income by poncing around insisting he's special despite all the evidence to the contrary.
Some people who don't want to work manage to live comfortably by charming others into supporting them; he's not even bothering to do that. Get rid and don't be afraid to tell everyone that you did so because he was not just a parasite but an abusive one too. None of this is your fault.

Abusive parasite

yup

OP, this must be so horrible to read, but I do believe if you dumped him (which you should, IMO) it won't be very long before he finds another (several?) willing female to support him in this fantasies

Now you know what you know, don't be that "willing female"