To resent DH's 'ambition'?

[DreamMachine]

Since I have known DH, the longest he has held down a job is 6 months. By job I mean working for someone as an employee. He has always wanted to be his own boss. His dreams have ranged from buying a yacht in the Dominican and setting up a chartering business, to becoming a private pilot. Each dream he has thought of he has spent a considerable amount of time seriously looking into it, almost obsessing over it to the point were I think 'Oh he really wants this, I best offer some support', and I always have. He wants, in his words - 'A business that can run itself, that we can deep the rewards of'

Last year as his first real go at being the boss he bought a fairly successful but not reaching it's potential company, but the old owner stayed on the scene doing business with us with his other companies and complications arose and DH sold back to him a few months ago for a fraction of the buying price just so he could get out. Since then, DH has started a new business venture which has seen him so far spend close to £5k on and has yet to earn a penny. Literally, not a penny.

It's not working so now after 3 months he is looking into other opportunities. He has paid upfront for an office for this failing venture for the year, mopes around the house all morning messing about with various things, and goes into the office at around midday until around 6-7pm. He comes home, I ask what he has been doing, he says 'networking', which basically means pissing about on twitter.

I am so so tired of telling him he can do anything, that I trust him to do the right thing for our family and if he thinks something will work then to go for it. I am so tired of explaining his latest venture to my family whilst they sit and listen with raised eyebrows and sceptical looks on their faces. I just want him to be normal, to use his degree and go and get a good job with stable hours, a stable income, and none of the stress and uncertainty that has been our life for the past 5 years.

He flat out refuses to work for somebody, claiming it would depress him to see the company earning money and it not being his money. At least he would be earning money then is my argument. He wants to plan for the long term, when I think we need to look at short term for now because planning for the long term isn't paying the bills. I just don't know whether to admire his determination or resent his stupidity and naivety any more.

AIBU? To just want him to grow up and accept that a life of luxury will not be handed to him on a plate for him to enjoy when he doesn't actually want to do any real work? I'm so worn down by it all. I told him not to rush home from work tonight, and he isn't home yet. :(

Sorry for whittling on

He's not ambitious. Ambitous people wake early and work harder. He's just silly. My sister is like this. She thinks the world owes her a living and does fuck all. 20 years on I know she won't change.

God I don't know why you're with such a knob jockey! This isn't ambitious, this is sheer laziness and entitlement. You sound perfectly lovely and deserve far, far more than this.

It seems to me that if this would-be entrepreneur stumbled into a rose garden of opportunity, he'd emerge smelling of shit failure.

Send Mr Pie in the Sky to work for the John Lewis Partnership or a similar organisation. He may not get all of the pie but he'll get a share of the annual profit every year.

Divvy up your remaining savings, honey, and use your share to get out before the baliffs come knocking while you can, otherwise your salary from your new job will be merely another means to support his idle lifestyle.

My parents set up their own business when my dad was made redundant because the company went bust. I would say that now they are in the position where their business "runs itself" (in that they have a manager to run the day to day operations) and they can reap the rewards, which they do, they live 6 months overseas and have a few million in the bank.

However, they set up their business 30 years ago and worked like absolute dogs for years and years to get to this stage, doing everything out of our living room and garage, bringing in family to help, my dad would basically leave on a Monday, come back on a Friday, just working all the hours in the day. We would have one week's holiday per year for about 10 years because he didn't want to leave the business (before the days of mobiles and the internet)>

Working for yourself is brilliant if you have real drive, ambition, a total desire to put everything into your business venture.

If you think you can just walk in and potter around and make a million, well, then, count me in!

He's both lazy and a fantasist.

he's ridiculous. That's what he is. He needs to grow up.

Sorry that that's harsh, but I am in business, as is my husband. It is HARD. There is no such thing as a new business that runs itself, just chucking money your way. It takes years and years of hard work before there's a chance of getting to that point - and many never get there.

I do get where he's coming from re not wanting to be an employee, me and my husband feel the same. But we know that it is HARD WORK! We don't want to be our own boss because we think that's the easy option! We know it's not. Sounds like your husband has some pie in the sky view of business where he's an oh so important man, sitting on his arse while the money rolls in. Well, running an sme isn't like that and it never will be.

You are not doing him any favours with the 'you can do anything you want, darling' routine, you're really not. I understand that you've been trying to be supportive, but he is a cross between walter mitty and del boy! and do what you will, I trust you to provide... isn't what he needs. (He needs to be told that he's a waster and he needs to sort himself out, frankly!). More importantly, it isn't what YOU need. It's going to give you a bloody ulcer!

He needs a healthy dose of reality, painful as it may be.

He just isn't cut out for being a business man. He hasn't got what it takes. He's not prepared to work as hard as you need to.

I couldn't believe it when you said how old he was. He's lived this fantasy of being the big man for all these years. Trying to convince him that it's never going to happen because he's not up to the task, is going to be next to impossible.

But how can you respect such a character?

I have a DH with mad dreams. Here's how I make it work:
I have been very firm with him that he can only pursue said mad dreams if he is also bringing in some money and doing his share of housework and childcare. We both work part time (at paid jobs!) and he fits his grand dreams of a community development NGO around this (again with the proviso that some chilcare and housework is also done- maybe not to my standard but something useful non the less)
He is never going to be a really good provider but he pulls his weight and we get by. I view his "plans" as a sort of very demanding hobby which he is entitled to pursue in his spare time.
I really hope you manage to get your DH to shape up OP, there's nothing wrong with dreaming but he must pull his weight and stop depleating your resources. Plus: you are entitled to pursue your own dreams too. Good luck with the driving and the new job

Dh has always wanted his own business. When he finally did it, I insist we sit down and go through everything, he didn't mind as he knew it was for the family. For the last year he has worked all hours and so have I. Despite having 2 kids a a ft job.
16 month later it is making money and he has employees so he isn't there all the time, but still works alot.
3 months is not a long time. To make a business work you have to work. After a year we are turning a good profit. We are not the norm. Alot of business take longer than that.
I supported dh. The difference being, I knew if it didn't work he would have got a job. He wouldn't have done a half added job then refused to work. We had business plans, budgets etc you name it we had.
A business doesn't become successful on its own. He sounds very selfish. If it isn't working he needs to get a job. He needs to grow up and support his family. I can see why you don't want to be near him.
You can keep supporting someone who who is putting your future at risk. Sorry but it needs to stop. He doesn't have the business sense or the drive to do this.

I hope you can knock some sense into him, OP. I fear you have an uphill battle on your hands though and I wonder just how far he will let finances slip before he starts to realise he is not The Golden Child.

You sound lovely, and have taken all the flak aimed at your H with good grace. All the best, and remember that no-one would blame you for cutting him loose and striking out on your own. It would cewrtainly be better to do that before you bring any more children into this family. Two is quite enough (or should I say, one too many and I don't mean your 3yo)

Sounds horribly familiar. My ex was going to be a millionaire if only.......And if I really loved and supported him I would make x, y, z happen so his dreams could come true

MY FIL had a successful business, but it was a lot of incredibly hard work to make it a success. And in the early days he worked all hours for not a lot of money. In the end he had a business employing 50 people, and he took no holidays at all because he was responsible for the wages of those people and so spent all his time trying to get work for the company. He's a very determined person, but even he found it stressful.

Your DH needs to go, and talk to an adviser, and seriously consider whether he has the skills and personality for running his own business.

Argh OP, I have a friend with a DH like this. He is adamant that he is ?running his own business? aka sitting at home playing Xbox all day while she works and brings up their children. He has tried lots of different things, has done a Masters, etc., all the time promising that once x is done then y and z will follow and their family will be provided for. It has gone on for years and years and everyone knows that he will never change. She knows it and is utterly miserable but has stuck with the marriage, goodness knows why. When you feel nothing but resentment and contempt for your husband, who is also a control freak and a layabout, then what is there to stay for? Her decision though.

Sounds like your DH has a serious case of Walter Mitty syndrome: "an ineffectual person who spends more time in heroic daydreams than paying attention to the real world, or more seriously, one who intentionally attempts to mislead or convince others that he is something that he is not."

I don't know what to suggest to help, unfortunately. He must always have been like this though? How have you put up with it up to now?

I would start calling him Delboy and walk around saying 'This time next year we will be millionaires' and then laugh manically.

DP has his own business and it is tough. It's good that you are getting a job op because you will need it if he actually starts to build a business. Two years ago, DP's income halved and we spiralled into debt - it was just the recession, clients put the brakes on projects and we experienced the slow slide into financial difficulties.

This has been remedied by me getting a job.

Once you have your job you will find that you are in a better position to negotiate a better position for you both - there has to be a 50/50 arrangement, you have to make it clear you are both contributors.

You say the money is dwindling - please, please take responsibility for yourself and your DD, watch your finances and be upfront about talking about it with your DP.
DP and I have no secrets (I hope) about our financial state and now I am earning it is so much easier to talk about it because he no longer feels that any discussion about financial problems is a criticism of him and his ability to provide.

I hope this works out - but the bottom line is that you need to get your job and ensure you can provide.

"I would start calling him Delboy and walk around saying 'This time next year we will be millionaires' and then laugh manically"

Actually this is a standing joke between me and DP DO has many schemes to make money but the understanding is he can pursue them but we need a decent income too - and he makes sure that is the priority.

T.I.T. - Trotters Independent Traders

This is what we in the small business community call a 'Steal Underpants' business model.

here

The thing is, everyone I know who has a successful (or on the way to being successful) business has a product/skill/talent/idea that other people want to buy from them.

They then usually started in their spare time, at home, then expanded to have premises, staff etc.

They don't just start from the idea that they want to be the boss, take premises and wait for inspiration to hit them!

It would 'depress' him to see someone else making profit from his work? Diddums. He needs a job, any job, pronto. Failing that, a trial separation would be on the cards if I were in your situation.

Agree with all those saying get a job. At best you will need it in the lean years while his business takes off. At worst....

My (self employed) DH actually has this pinned to his wall to remind him not to be a dick

DH and I too dream about having a company that runs itself and we simply reap the rewards.

Unfortunately til that mythical entity exists, we're running the company we set up 18m ago. In terms of our industry and new companies generally we're doing amazingly well - we made a 6 figure profit last year and will make a smaller but still +ve amount of money this year. And we can't spend any of it because it's needed to maintain our cashflow.

To get to that though, it means dh staying away 4/5 nights a week leaving me on my own with 4dcs. It means me working whilst ds2 sleeps, whether that's during the day or the evening. It means going to school not showered as I've been on the phone to a supplier. It means all sorts of things but that's what it's like working for your own company. It's damn hard work.

We will reap the rewards - to some extent I already do as dh was working not dissimilar hours for his last employer, but he's 100% happier. And I said that when this was what he wanted to do I would support him 110% - which I have.

However, I know that I can trust my dh to work his socks off for us and to commit to the company. I also know that he's chosen something he's really quite good at rather than some blue sky dream.

I sympathise OP. He needs to grow up, fast. Don't give up on your dream whatever you do.

He sounds like one of the idiots that go on the apprentice, actually.

Chubfuddler Tue 19-Jun-12 01:24:34

"My husband runs his own business. People must think "that's the life" when they see him doing the school run or taking an impromptu afternoon off because it's sunny. They don't see the five am starts, the ten years of no holidays, no luxuries, nothing other than work and sleep work and sleep that got him there. His business does to an extent run itself, now. But it only does so because he has grafted."

So so true. My DH is the same. OP, your DH doesn't sound cut out for it at all. And, as a parent, he doesn't have the luxury of daydreaming for no pay. He has a family who need food in their mouths and a roof over their head and it's his responsibility to provide that (as well as yours, of course). When my DH was starting out he was 25, lived in a room in a shared house and had no responsibilities. He could afford to be a dreamer because he could live on a pittance. You need to kick his butt back into reality

OP, when you talk to him about it, maybe suggest putting a limit on it as a compromise. for instance, suggest "If you want to do this, and you think you can, I will back you, but if it doesn't make money by X date, then will you agree to get a normal job?"

I know people just like your DP, launching from one business to the next, spending money that they don't have with the intention of achieving a dream. They can see the end goal but not the work involved to get there.

There are also courses available to entrepreneurs, sometimes government run ones (so cheap!), that will explain the accountancy/marketing side of things. This might help him to understand the reality of whats involved.