To resent DH's 'ambition'?

[DreamMachine]

Since I have known DH, the longest he has held down a job is 6 months. By job I mean working for someone as an employee. He has always wanted to be his own boss. His dreams have ranged from buying a yacht in the Dominican and setting up a chartering business, to becoming a private pilot. Each dream he has thought of he has spent a considerable amount of time seriously looking into it, almost obsessing over it to the point were I think 'Oh he really wants this, I best offer some support', and I always have. He wants, in his words - 'A business that can run itself, that we can deep the rewards of'

Last year as his first real go at being the boss he bought a fairly successful but not reaching it's potential company, but the old owner stayed on the scene doing business with us with his other companies and complications arose and DH sold back to him a few months ago for a fraction of the buying price just so he could get out. Since then, DH has started a new business venture which has seen him so far spend close to £5k on and has yet to earn a penny. Literally, not a penny.

It's not working so now after 3 months he is looking into other opportunities. He has paid upfront for an office for this failing venture for the year, mopes around the house all morning messing about with various things, and goes into the office at around midday until around 6-7pm. He comes home, I ask what he has been doing, he says 'networking', which basically means pissing about on twitter.

I am so so tired of telling him he can do anything, that I trust him to do the right thing for our family and if he thinks something will work then to go for it. I am so tired of explaining his latest venture to my family whilst they sit and listen with raised eyebrows and sceptical looks on their faces. I just want him to be normal, to use his degree and go and get a good job with stable hours, a stable income, and none of the stress and uncertainty that has been our life for the past 5 years.

He flat out refuses to work for somebody, claiming it would depress him to see the company earning money and it not being his money. At least he would be earning money then is my argument. He wants to plan for the long term, when I think we need to look at short term for now because planning for the long term isn't paying the bills. I just don't know whether to admire his determination or resent his stupidity and naivety any more.

AIBU? To just want him to grow up and accept that a life of luxury will not be handed to him on a plate for him to enjoy when he doesn't actually want to do any real work? I'm so worn down by it all. I told him not to rush home from work tonight, and he isn't home yet. :(

Sorry for whittling on

Isnt it amazing how many people say that they can do a better job than their boss but when they are given the chance, suddenly.....well....cant!

He probably hates working for someone else because he is jealous that they can build and run a successful company and it rubs his nose in it that he cant.

'In your position I would want the house to be in my name (so it couldn't be used to guarantee any loans)'

This. This. This.

Losing our home when I was aged 16 had quite a salutary and positive effect on me in some ways, but it was still not an ideal experience. For my mother it was devastating, and for her marriage it was terminal thank goodness.

If the house is in joint names then he cant do that without her say so anyway can he?

Although forging signatures can be done I suppose....

I think if he forged her signature, then she could not be held liable. It would be fraud though and the consequences for him would be severe.

I don't know where she would stand if he was declared bankrupt and the house was in joint names. Maybe a sale could be forced.

If the OP owns the house and has no personal liability for his company ( not named as a director or anything), then her assets should be safe from any potential fuck up.

I don't know for sure though, so think she would be best advised to talk all this through with a solicitor.

Good point, hadnt thought about bankruptcy.

He wants, in his words - 'A business that can run itself, that we can deep the rewards of' So he doesn't actually want to run a business (or actually WORK) he justs wants to own one that someone else runs/works at so he can take the profit ( and piss around on twitter!!)

Total waste of space w has no intention of working EVER.

OP you need to do just as others have suggested and separate finances so he cannot raise funds against your home.

He sounds slightly bi polar in my opinion

Is there such a thing as "slightly" bi-polar?

Thats a hell of thing to say based on one thread about his working habits! You should be at the Olympics for jumping to that conclusion!

Apologies for the late reply to everyone who has posted since last night!

Have spoken to him today, mainly through email as he was at work and wouldn't answer my calls. Suited me fine, stopped me from getting spoken over and I got to say my piece properly.

To cut the story short, I condensed all the advice I was given and told him today that this can't go on, and the reasons why. The result? Him telling me that I should be the one to get a job (after us both agreeing I would stay home with DD until this september when she starts full time nursery), that I am a sponger (I very rarely ask him for money as when I do I am met with tuts and questions so I'd rather survive on my savings/tax credits for anything me and DD need), he finds it rich that I am telling him to get a job when all I do is 'babysit' our DD, why should he be the one to suffer a shitty minimum wage job, that there are other jobs besides the one that I want to do and that I probably wouldn't even get the job anyway so I should go ahead and get a shitty job that he doesn't want and he will stay home and look after DD and work from home... even though he has paid upfront for the year for his office.

So he has basically flipped it all over onto me, it's all my fault, I should be out there working so that he doesn't have to worry about making money.

He even suggested suicide at one point, because he is 'such a waste of space', I don't understand him and the pressure he is under, DD is young enough to forget him etc etc.

I was so so close to telling him not to come back home tonight. His comments today have hurt me beyond belief, and have confirmed that he is the only person that matters to him.

The house is in my name for those of you asking before, no worries there.

Where do I go from here then? I'm totally numb at the moment. He has been acting as though nothing has happened all night, trying to engage me in conversation and I can't even bring myself to look at him. :(

Where do you want to go from here?

He has made his position clear ie: he will NEVER get a job and he expects you to fund his daydreams. He has also made it clear that he has no respect for you and doesnt support you.

So, that means you have to choose whether you can accept that or not. If not then he leaves (as the house is in your name) and you will work safe in the knowledge that he isnt pissing it up the wall on his dreams. If you decide to live with it, well you will go on as you are now..........

I'm so confused from being conditioned for so long. He said today something along the lines of I am punishing him for trying to do the best he can for us, and part of me does feel guilty for that. Imagine it, 'Oh why did you and DH split up?' 'Oh yeah, he was trying to run his own business and was failing so I kicked him out'.

His close friend is offering him a few shifts a week working for him, he is actually begging DH to do it, and he won't, because the shift pattens don't suit and he 'wouldn't get to see DD and do bedtime with her'(!!!!) Welcome to the fucking real world, I barely got to see her when I went back to work after having her but it had to be done.

I truly feel like shit tonight. In a complete no win. Marriage over, or live like this forever. I know one is the lesser of two evils but it doesn't make it any easier does it?

He said today something along the lines of I am punishing him for trying to do the best he can for us, and part of me does feel guilty for that

But he isnt doing his best is he? And you know that, which is why you are questioning him.

He knows that too, which is why he is being vile because every time you point out that he isnt actually achieving anything, you are tapping into the little core of himself that knows he is an overgrown child, playing at being the boss. He is pretending, and deep down he knows that, but he can convince himself that it is all true if only you would play your part of The Managing Directors wife.

No, knowing that you are doing the right thing doesnt make it easier to do, but staying isnt the easy option either. In fact I would say that it is harder, it just doesnt hurt all at once.

And you wont be leaving because you didnt support him when his business failed, mainly because he hasnt actually got a business! You will be leaving him because he flat out refused to work to support his family and pissed away your savings.

I am off to bed, a lot to think about and plan these next few days.

Thanks so much to everyone who has replied, I really do appreciate it. :)

You've got your answer, love. He expects you to carry on indulgently supporting him in doing... well, what? OK if you don't want to mention it because it might out you, but nothing you've posted suggests that he has any kind of specific talent or skill such as painting, acting, singing, restoring obscure vintage technology or whatever. If there was a specific skill and passion there might be more room for negotiation; as it is, he's not just a parasite but someone who feels entitled to be a parasite. His 'business' appears to consist of wanking in an expensive office, so all your mutual acquaintances will understand perfectly that you couldn't continue pissing money away on his 'dreams' that don't even make sense. Tell him that you want to separate, that you can't carry a passenger any more. If he gets really unpleasant (which TBH he may well do) don't be frightened to call the police and have him removed by force.

Take care Dream

You are not to blame for this Dream.

As others have said, if your DH was working really hard in his own business that was going through tough times in the recession, and you walked out, that would be one thing, but that is not the situation here.

He?s proved that he doesn?t have what it takes to buy/run a business. Wasn?t quite clear on what happened the first time- I read it that the guy who sold him the business essentially carried on working in competition to him (so why didn?t he get a non-compete clause?- that?s pretty basic stuff). Sounds like the second idea was just a knee jerk, badly researched idea that never really had legs. So now what?

I think his desire to find a business that ?just runs itself so we can reap the rewards? is very telling, shows that he is basically lazy, and is just going to run from get-rich-quick scheme to get-rich-quick scheme, leaving a trail of debts and failed businesses. Those businesses don?t exist, or at least, not until you?ve spent 20 yrs building them up with blood, sweat, tears and a lot of sleepless nights worrying about cash flow, employees, the VAT man etc etc. Then you may get to sit back a little, maybe, if you?re lucky.

His responses are no big surprise, based on his past behaviour

The emotional blackmail he is attempting to employ is a particularly low move though.

Some big decisions for you now

Bloody hell OP, he's made it pretty clear he doesn't give a shit about you

You sound like a strong woman, and I think you'll be amazed at what you are capable of once you have shed his dead weight. Best of luck.

It sounds like he's being very manipulative and trying to justify his behaviour by turning it round on to you and making you look like the unreasonable one. His refusal to accept the work offered by his friend, for example, shows that he is just a spoilt child who expects everything to be tailored to suit him.

Do you know what, I'd almost go as far as to say he is financially abusing you, OP. Forcing you to support him solely (as you have done in the past and are soon to be doing again), using all the savings, spending money on his unachieving businesses, and THEN turning it all round onto you and trying to manipulate you into thinking you are unreasonable and making you doubt your judgement.

So sorry to read your later posts.

Essentially, he's saying that it's okay for you to do a shitty job, but it would be beneath him. And he would have no qualms about living off the wages from that shitty job, while he indulges himself, playing the big man.

When do you get to fulfil your ambitions? You don't, because in his eyes you are not as important as him.

He's already made it clear that he doesn't respect what you do with your child all day. I'll tell you this now, if he sah with your child, they will be parked in front of cbeebies all day while he farts around on Twitter 'networking'. I don't know anyone who could set up a business and work a proper day from home and at the same time, look after a child. As a one off, maybe, but not every day. Most people would be working from home when their child is asleep or at school.
He will be leaching of you and pretending to work.

Sorry, lovely, but I don't think he's leaving you much choice here.

The word cocklodger is springing to mind

Just to play devils advocate, how certain is your new job once you pass your driving test? Who saved all the savings you have (enough for both of you not to be earning for two years? That's impressive). and does the year's lease on the office mean it is worth trying to get this business off the ground?

He is being an arse and there's no reason why you should get a shitty job if he won't, but if he wants to be a sahd then maybe that
might possibly work?

He sounds depressed to me.

Don't get me wrong - this has to stop. He is looking to you to make him feel better by believing him when he says everything is ok, and he is angry that you are threatening to stop 'enabling' him.

I would suggest:

If your heart is set on staying at home until your child is full time, don't give that up too easily. You agreed this between you and you will resent losing this precious time with you daughter. September seems like a handy deadline for you both. Could your DH take the shifts his friend is offering until then? He might enjoy bringing in some money for a change and getting out of the 'office'.

Ask him to go to the GP about his suicidal thoughts.

See what the GP says before you decide the next step.

Deck he isnt having suicidal thoughts!

He is laying on emotional blackmail because he senses the OP is seeing through his stupid "lets play at working" game, and doesnt like it.

The OP said that he is refusing to do the hours for his friend, he doesnt want to work, he wants to sit on his arse and do nothing, by his own admission.

He doesnt need a GP, he needs to grow up, he needs a fucking job!

Do NOT let him be a SAHD. Look at the evidence. As BF says, he is playing at working, and his previous "business" ideas (yacht charter in the Caribbean/ private pilot) suggest it's all about the image. SAHP have jack all status/ image (not that that's right btw- just saying) and he will be bored of it in about 2 days.

plus what karma said......all of it