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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

to have put dd's dinner in the bin?

869 replies

greenwheelie · 18/06/2012 18:27

Dinner tonight - scampi, potato wedges and salad. I put some chunks of beetroot in the salad. DD2(6) anounced she hates beetroot. I told her she could eat one piece only. We have always had the rule (dd is 3rd child) that you have to try everything on the plate.

My Mum and Dad are here for the evening. DD sat and cried, fake-coughed and kept shouting that she was going to be sick. We ignore her for a while, then I said if she couldn't be quiet and eat then she would have to leave the room. She continued so I told her to go. After 5 minutes she was quiet so I asked her to come back and join us. She immediately started the drama again. I told her she was spoiling the dinner for all of us and if she didn't stop that would be the end of her meal. She got a piece of beetroot on her fork and waved it around, crying and coughing. So I took her food away and sent her out. The food is now in the bin and dd is in bed.

My parents are now saying I am like an army general and that dd will be hungry. Was I being unreasonable and AIBU to feel very unsupported in trying to discipline a strong-willed child?

OP posts:
greenwheelie · 19/06/2012 21:09

No it wasn't. But I couldn't remember exactly when she had tried it and what her reaction was. We always try new foods.

Trying to think of the smuggest food I can now....DS does love calamares, will that do? He also insisted on home-made pizza for his birthday party - how wonderful is that?! He also loves that awful blue slushy drink stuff.

I promise you, I am not at all pretentious!

OP posts:
LadyClariceCannockMonty · 20/06/2012 09:39

I don't think people are being smug about food. The food itself is really a minor point in this thread; what the OP is talking about (and most other posters) is manners, and teaching children not to be rude and how to behave at a table and/or in company.

Mrsjay · 20/06/2012 09:43

34 pages Shock greenwheelie did you dd eat her dinner last night without a fuss Grin

TheOriginalSteamingNit · 20/06/2012 09:59

I just find it amusing that it's the 'make 'em eat it' bunch who assume a child would be silly about food and refuse to eat things they've previously liked and turn their noses up at other peoples' food. Mine certainly wouldn't.

Being at the table is important: table manners are important. Discreetly leaving something you're not keen on is much better than making a to-do about it, and everyone, adults and children alike, should be free to do this. If the issue was the mucking about, deal with that, and separately from what the child does or does not want to eat. I suspect the fake coughing and all that was to do with the anticipation she'd be made to 'try a bit' of something she did not want.

My children have often come home from other peoples' houses and said the fajitas weren't like at home, or the bolognese wasn't as nice - but always ate it up, often better than the children whose house they were visiting. But in your own home, you should be free not to eat something you don't want.

I'm not indulgent about it - it used to drive me bonkers when dd was small and MIL would see she wasn't eating much of her first course and start leaping up saying 'would she like something else? Would she like a yoghurt? What about some smarties, dd?'. My policy is ignore what she is or isn't eating as I would an adult - the only thing I wanted her to learn at the table was how to behave at the table, which is that pudding comes when it comes, you wait for everyone to finish, you sit and behave and join in the conversation. When your pudding comes, if there is one, the same applies. I would only offer a sandwich if I'd said before 'look, I know this is a new food and if you really don't like it, I'll make you a sandwich, but let's give it a go, ok?'

Oh and all of you who would 'only' offer a slice of bread and butter - as a picky child, a slice of bread and butter would have been much preferable to whatever else was on offer, and I'd've bitten your arm off for the chance to sit and eat bread instead, so you might want to rethink that as a punishment! Gruel, maybe?

Gentleness · 20/06/2012 10:23

Haha - the bread and butter wasn't a punishment! I think I'm the only one who's mentioned it, and there was no context of punishment - only of avoiding hunger. Amusing you read that into what I said.

My ds is 2y9mo and one day jam sandwiches are the ultimate treat and 2 days later he can't stand them. That's toddlers for you. Most toddlers from chatting with friends - and it was ever thus. I have no idea about 6 yr olds, but from classroom experience of children wanting to assert themselves, consistency over several occasions is not as important as having absolute commitment to the drama of the moment. Fake coughing is a classic avoidance strategy - not only to food by any means!

Seriously - your children have never ever been silly about a meal or around mealtimes? I don't think I've ever met a child that doesn't at least try it on occasionally at a mealtime, even if the parent gives in immediately. (and no that WASN'T a dig!)

TheOriginalSteamingNit · 20/06/2012 10:28

They're quite old now - so I've not thought about it as an issue in a long time.

DD1 was a fusser at 3-4 - I found what worked was

  1. put stuff out in serving dishes and let her take what she wanted
  2. don't comment.

When she was a toddler, she was infinitely distractable and would get bored very quickly at mealtimes - we used to say 'don't look into her eyes!' because if we did she'd stop! Also when visiting parents, if my father starting saying 'ooh that looks yummy, which bit are you going to eat next?' she would stop. We banned him Grin.

They've both 'gone off' things at various points - and sometimes started liking them again later. But once we decided on the 'no comment' policy, no, we didn't have any more tears at mealtimes, and they are both very good eaters now - I think.

halcyondays · 20/06/2012 10:54

I offer bread and butter, but it certainly isn't as a punishment, why would you think that? They like it and if they won't eat their dinner, it means they don't have to go to bed hungry. But as we normally have dinners that everyone likes, it's not that often that anyone would refuse their dinner outright.

greenwheelie · 20/06/2012 12:01

Yes dd ate her dinner last night no problem, it was DS who kicked off! Like I said, this isn't common and we seem to be having a bad week.

Meatballs in a creamy sauce with mashed potatoes and veg tonight - I do not foresee any problems but who knows....?

OP posts:
Gentleness · 20/06/2012 12:05

Mmmm - can I come to your house greenwheelie? I love your menus!

greenwheelie · 20/06/2012 12:21

Ahh...of course you can! I tend to do a mixture of what I feel like making and what everyone likes and what I need to use up!

OP posts:
halcyondays · 20/06/2012 12:26

Meatballs are one of the few things I just can't abide. I've been put off them for life after the horrible, horrible ones we used to get at school dinners. I'm sure yours are much nicer though,greenwheelie.

Laquitar · 20/06/2012 12:29

What are you cooking tonight Green?

(this thread is addictive now)

TheOriginalSteamingNit · 20/06/2012 12:30

Well you can't be all that heavily addicted..... Wink.

QueenElizaBeatHer · 20/06/2012 12:31

YANBU.

greenwheelie · 20/06/2012 12:32

My meatballs are the Swedish-type ones. I think they are pretty good!

Can't quite believe I've been posting what we're having for dinner for the last 3 nights.

OP posts:
musicismylife · 20/06/2012 12:35

So, if your husband, or whatever, didn't like beetroot, would you put some on his plate and tell him that he had to eat it? or would you make a fuss if he left it?

Nope, didn't think so.

Laquitar · 20/06/2012 13:22

Grin TheOriginal

Sorry i missed the posts about Swedish-style meatballs tonight.

Gentleness · 20/06/2012 13:28

I think I avoided a lot of food hang-ups by NOT having school dinners (or even being in the dinner hall) till secondary school...

LadyClariceCannockMonty · 20/06/2012 15:00

MMmmmm, IKEA meatballs ...

differentnameforthis · 20/06/2012 15:52

You know what, I hate all this 'you must try at least one bite' of all new food crap . I mean must they? Why is that your rule? Because it doesn't really achieve anything in the long run!

As an adult, if someone plated up you a meal & put something on it that you really didn't want to try, would you try it? Would you sit there with a smile on your face while someone repeatedly told you that you had to? This is not the way to get kids to try new foods. My daughter hated lasagne. But everytime I made it I would put the smallest portion on her plate with whatever she was having, with her knowing she could try it or not, no pressure. Now she loves it. It is her favourite food. Same for white sauce on her veges. Sometimes you have to just know what battles are worth fighting & starting issues over food isn't one of them in house.

If that were me & my kid, I would have simply told them to try it if they wanted to, if not, leave it. Next time she sees it on her plate she will start it all over again. I was that kid forced to eat everything on the plate, forced to try 'one little bite' & it is an awful position to be in. Also to the poster saying her dc have to have '2 good mouthfuls' before they decide they hate it...that was a rule in our house. The first time I tried cauliflower, on the second bite (after telling mum I hated the first one) I threw up over the dinner table!

I don't agree with those saying well done to the op. IMO, this is how food issues start. There are enough issues surrounding food for when they grow up, without instilling/starting them at 6.

Why is it "well done" to break a child to the point that they didn't have any dinner & got sent to bed hungry? Can someone please explain that to me?

FWIW, if I serve up a dish that I know my children like, yes, I expect them to eat a good amount of it. But new foods are never forced, never the focus of rules & can be cleared form the plate of they cause an issue. They try it of they want to, end of. Bit the 8yr old & 3yr old have varied meals & mealtimes are pretty much the pleasure I want them to be.

differentnameforthis · 20/06/2012 15:54

Bit the (not sure what that was)

My 8yr old & 3yr old have varied meals & mealtimes are pretty much the pleasure I want them to be.

mathanxiety · 20/06/2012 16:07

As an adult you would probably try something that someone had made for you. You would do this because you had been taught by your parents not to be rude and encouraged by them to take a bite when faced with unfamiliar food.

There is a difference between being forced to eat everything on a plate and being required to eat one bite of something.

As for telling a husband or other adult they had to take a bite -- I think by the time someone is an adult you could assume they had already taken the necessary bite at some point earlier in their life and could very honestly say they didn't like it, and you would respect that. With children who don't like the mere look of something or the way a dish sounds, but who probably have never tasted it, it's a different matter.

One of my sisters got a different dinner every single day because she wouldn't/couldn't bring herself to try taking a bite of what the rest of us were having and mum thought it would all work out in the end/decided to pick her battles. She never became a balanced eater.

LadyClariceCannockMonty · 20/06/2012 16:10

Exactly, math. Children sometimes make food 'choices' based on nothing more than the look of a new dish, or change their minds about what they like depending on what their peers say.

And I've said it before (repeatedly), but the main thrust of this thread was not about food per se but about manners.

mathanxiety · 20/06/2012 16:22

The requirement to take a bite can be presented to the child as a matter of manners, as opposed to a matter of food, what's good for you, etc. We require children to say 'please' and 'thank you' and tell others they are sorry or greet great aunt Tilly warmly even though she smells a little because it is mannerly, and once a child has reached the age of about 5 or 6 letting them get away without speaking and behaving politely is not doing the child any favours.

A 5-6 year old child (who should also be involved in meal preparation, table setting and clearing away by this point) can be required to take a bite out of respect for the cook, and can be told not to use words like 'disgusting' or say 'I hate that' or make boaking gestures at the table out of respect for other diners. It will not lead to food issues any more than making children say 'please' or 'thank you' will turn them into sociopaths.

ivykaty44 · 20/06/2012 18:11

I was told as a child never to boak or declare a food disgusting as it may be another persons fav food and I would offend them by doing so.

I still find it hard on mn when people boak at food as to me I was brought up to regard this as offensive behaviour

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