Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to have put dd's dinner in the bin?

869 replies

greenwheelie · 18/06/2012 18:27

Dinner tonight - scampi, potato wedges and salad. I put some chunks of beetroot in the salad. DD2(6) anounced she hates beetroot. I told her she could eat one piece only. We have always had the rule (dd is 3rd child) that you have to try everything on the plate.

My Mum and Dad are here for the evening. DD sat and cried, fake-coughed and kept shouting that she was going to be sick. We ignore her for a while, then I said if she couldn't be quiet and eat then she would have to leave the room. She continued so I told her to go. After 5 minutes she was quiet so I asked her to come back and join us. She immediately started the drama again. I told her she was spoiling the dinner for all of us and if she didn't stop that would be the end of her meal. She got a piece of beetroot on her fork and waved it around, crying and coughing. So I took her food away and sent her out. The food is now in the bin and dd is in bed.

My parents are now saying I am like an army general and that dd will be hungry. Was I being unreasonable and AIBU to feel very unsupported in trying to discipline a strong-willed child?

OP posts:
katamongthepigeons · 19/06/2012 13:12

Pavlov and others - there is a difference between trying to keep forcing a child to eat something they have already tried and said they don't like, and telling them they have to eat one bit of something they've eaten before without fuss (OP), or asking them to try something new.

Isn't there some research I remember about a child having to be presented 17 times(?) with a new food before accepting it, or did I dream that?

TheTeaPig · 19/06/2012 13:15

Goldenbear My GP were like that and it was quite extreme. No talking etc Plates had to cleared - horrible .
There is a difference between that and basic manners .
I really think if as a parent you dont instill good manners in your DC you are doing them a disservice.

Interestingly I dont have a lot of rules but basic table manners is one of them.

halcyondays · 19/06/2012 13:17

Yabvu. Why are so insistent that she try the beetroot salad? I like beetroot,as long as its not pickled, but lots and lots of people hate it. Op, why is it you are so sneery about other people's food e.g your parents and your friend with the lemon meringue, but your own food is always wonderful and everyone MUST like it.

I would encourage my dc to try something new, but I would never insist on it. I think you have made a huge drama out of nothing. I would have just said calm down and taken the salad off her plate. Then she could have had the rest of her dinner.

If I served beetroot in this house and insisted everyone MUST try it, then the 4 year old, the 6 year old and the 40 year old would all have tantrums!

TheTeaPig · 19/06/2012 13:17

Bangofftrend Mine love asparagus Grin they are teenagers Blush

TheTeaPig · 19/06/2012 13:18

oops forgot the smelly wee bit !Blush

halcyondays · 19/06/2012 13:23

Why was it so important to you that she tried the beetroot salad, even though she sais she hated it? Why couldn't you just have taken it off her plate and let her enjoy the rest of her meal? Nobody NEEDS to eat beetroot, it just seems very controlling.

Fillybuster · 19/06/2012 13:26

Haven't been able to read the whole thread, but another one here who believes dcs should eat what's on their plate, or not at all.

YADNBU for demanding your dcs try a bit of everything you serve. Refusal to do so in our household instantly results in application of the No Dessert Rule. (fwiw, its 3 mouthfuls, not 1....)

YANBU for punishing bad table behaviour and temper-tantrums at the table by instant removal and bed. As you say, a bigger breakfast the next morning will suffice to plug the gap.

I would make sure you have a chat with your DD to make sure she is very clear that the punishment (bed, no dinner) was a result of her behaviour rather than her refusal to eat beetroot. Maybe discuss how she could have explained her feelings better, and the impact of her behaviour on guests (embarrassment) and you (shame/a bit sad) and talk about what she might do next time?

Btw, I would have been tempted to re-serve the beetroot for breakfast, but DH would sensibly never let me do anything as silly as that :)

Thumbwitch · 19/06/2012 13:28

katamong - I think it's 7 times, not 17 - I saw it on a documentary once.

Goldenbear · 19/06/2012 13:35

Teabag, my MIL doesn't insist on my DS clearing his plate, the problem comes in because we don't insist on him trying everything on his plate, we would encourage him but not insist. She uses the dessert as bribery and we don't. She makes out he's really fussy but he isn't and she is well aware what he likes but doesn't like it herself so we know it's going to be stressful. She will cook him a huge alternative but it is just too big and then it looks like he hasn't tried.

Myself and DB were polite children but my mum avoided confrontation and she would listen to us, talk to us, negotiate with us. She didn't behave in a controlling way. My MIL was and still is controlling which is ashame as she is very funny sometimes but the controlling nature and ultimate selfishness puts me off visiting.

katamongthepigeons · 19/06/2012 13:38

Just checked - it's between 8 and 15

Goldenbear · 19/06/2012 13:41

fillybuster, what would that discussion have achieved. He adD didn't want the betroot, the OP has the rule that you must try a piece of food on your plate. So what could the OP's DD do differently next time?

Frontpaw · 19/06/2012 13:50

My mum once had liver (same bit) 3 days running when she wouldn't eat it. It was during the WW2, and her mum was a bit on the Victorian side.

landofsoapandglory · 19/06/2012 13:57

Blimey, I'm so glad I don't live with some of you, meal times are supposed to be an enjoyable experience not a frigging battleground!

Gentleness · 19/06/2012 14:08

Ha - just read the whole thread. I can't believe the number of people who are interpreting a rule that a child tries something before rejecting it as FORCING a child to eat. The OP has made it clear that it was over-dramatic reaction (as opposed to just asking to be able to leave it which is clearly an established way of dealing with things).

Seriously people, there are sometimes food/people combinations that genuinely cause instant sickness but this is clearly NOT that situation so why is it a bad thing to be able to eat something you don't particularly like? Maybe because it is good for you or maybe to be polite - these are GOOD reasons! It is not a bad thing for a child to learn how to deal with these things and that isn't going to happen with some adult guidance.

It is a life skill to be able to put our mind to doing something you don't particularly like because you need to in a particular situation. And please don't rush into extreme examples - they are the exception. Surely you want to bring up kids that will cope with life and not expect to always be able to say no? I'm amazed and concerned at all these extreme reactions to a simple request.

Personally, I would love to have a big tantrum and refuse to do the housework...

TheOriginalSteamingNit · 19/06/2012 14:11

just asking to be able to leave it which is clearly an established way of dealing with things

No - OP said she always makes them eat a bit of everything on the plate.

I utterly do want my children to cope with life and not expect always to be able to say no - and they can, and they do. Of all my many failings as a parent though, at the final reckoning, I won't have to feel a twinge about the times they cried and retched at food they didn't want.

AllDirections · 19/06/2012 14:14

Gentleness There is a big difference in the scenarios you've described.

If the OP's DD doesn't eat her beetroot nothing will happen, if you don't do the housework your house will eventually become unclean and unhygienic (unless you have somebody else do it for you Wink )

Gentleness · 19/06/2012 14:21

Nope - she said that if they didn't want to, they just didn't get their fruit/yoghurt/dessert.

AllDirections, my point is about using tantrums to get your way. Can't tell you the number of 8-10yr-olds I've taught that thought that was reasonable behaviour. Hey - even adults do it sometimes. Perhaps I distracted you by mentioning housework - always injects a hint of sadness into a conversation!

TheOriginalSteamingNit · 19/06/2012 14:22

Oh yes, forgot that - punishment for not eating sald is not getting fruit. Very odd.

Jins · 19/06/2012 14:27

I'd never punish a child for refusing food and certainly not by restricting food.

All in the name of control :(

Mintyy · 19/06/2012 14:30

I think it is really stupid to have rules over something as potentially tricky as food.

Hullygully · 19/06/2012 14:33

Will nobody think of the starving Africans? Crying out for beetroot.

katamongthepigeons · 19/06/2012 14:35

What about the situation where you have a number of DC whose preferences are different - some like certain meals better than others. You have to cook one meal. If it's a meal that one DC is not so keen on (but you know they will eat - as they have done so many times), do you liberal parents simply allow that DC to leave the meal and fill up on pudding or do you insist they eat a reasonable amount (maybe not all) of it first?

Hullygully · 19/06/2012 14:39

Personally I cook something that everyone will eat

katamongthepigeons · 19/06/2012 14:42

So do I, but there are bound to be meals some are more keen on than others. If you stick to everyone's favourites, you'd always be cooking spag bol or whatever.

TheOriginalSteamingNit · 19/06/2012 14:43

I don't cook things I definitely know one child dislikes - if they don't find it awful (can only think of a very few dishes which either wouldn't eat at all) then they eat it, if they left it and ate nothing I'd be worried.

We hardly ever have pudding anyway, so filling up on it wouldn't be an option, usually.

That said, actually (oh you will all like this) when one or other hasn't eaten much for some reason, usually having said 'sorry mum I just really don't like these sausages very much' then yes I probably would make sure they had plenty of whatever pudding there was, just as I would for an adult!

Swipe left for the next trending thread