Guests bedrooms, beds and children

[Mosman]

I'm genuinely not sure if IABU i'm a little stressed so my judgement is a bit blurred.
Jist is against my better judgement MIL is coming with us for 6 months when we emigrate to Perth some may remember the real dilemma about taking her in the first place but she's coming to try it out and help us settle in - god help me.
So there is an minor issue being blown out of all proportion IMO about beds and bedrooms.
When we first arrive we need to keep our costs down, DH doesn't have a job yet so I want to rent a 2/3 bedroomed place, DH and I will camp on the sofa bed, the baby will sleep with us and as we get our stuff over the children, 3 girls need a room for their beds and toys etc.
Grandma (MIL) thinks she should have a room to herself and we should buy her a bed as soon as we get there as she has arthritis and a whole catalogue of various other problems. The kids would be expected to sleep on blow up mattresses.
She also isn't happy that the baby will wake in the night - well who is and thinks we should get a bigger place so that less people are disturbed i.e. her. Nevermind that I have to work to support us all on this magical mystery tour.
She isn't planning to contribute towards the rent, will buy her own food as she has two big bills coming up - not sure how she would have handled those big bills if she was staying at home but she is basically pleading poverty.
Nobody made her come with us, at first she didn't want to because she would loose out financially but it seems that WE can loose out and that's just fine.
I am getting more and more aggregated about the whole situation and we aren't even on a plane yet.
Am I being a cow ? It's only for 6 months I guess.

You're mad. Stay here and lose the deadwood. If your daughters father is in oz he may suddenly get interested in seeing her, and once he gets an order for contact, even telephone/sporadic, she will be in the jurisdiction of the Australian courts and you will find it nigh on impossible to leave again.

I'm not going with the intention of leaving, if I'm going I'm going and the Australian courts will work in my favour because DH can't take the other kids either so it's him that's stuck if we are being brutally honest.

Ok, this is getting crazier and crazier.........your Mum suggested you
emigrate ! That's gotta tell you something....

Mosman, have you got some close pals or family you can talk to about all of this? I think the situation is too complex for forum advise to be of any use. It seems such a crazy situation that seems destined to end very badly. Your MIL seems the least of your problems to be honest.

I hope you have a slush fund that will enable you to return to the UK if it all goes pear shape. However fantastic Perth is I don't think it's magically going to make things better. Have you any friends or family there?

Agree with everyone telling you your plan is terrible. The stress you feel now will be a thousand-fold upon touchdown.

Seriously, you need to re-think this.

If DH gets a job it will be better that's the root of our problems tbh 4 years of not working full time would wear anyone down, I'm sure my mum does genuinely think it will be a better life for us all out there, not as if we live around the corner from her now.
But no there is nobody in real life I can talk to about this I have a happy face painted on and have to stay like that for the children they are apprehensive enough without me having a wobble.

Just drop the mil from the equation

Mosman
Have you read those threads on AIBU?
The ones when someone posts an apparently ridiculous suggestion?
The ones where they get pages of advice telling them not to do it?
The ones when they insist they are going to do it anyway?
And you wonder why on earth they asked AIBU in the first place?

Someone said above that you were heading for a car crash. I think it's more of a train crash. You might escape alive, but your marriage won't.
And then you'll be having access/country of residence problems with your second family, not your first.

You can still change your mind. Don't go!

OP I mean this in a kind way, but it sounds like you are on self distruct from you latest texts, it sounds like you are stuck in a rut in the UK and want out of your marriage and lifestyle so are FORCING a "make or break" situation on the family which you know is more likely to be break than make

"So frankly it couldn't get a lot worse could it" OOOOH yes it can, it really can! I speak as someone who has been there and done a failed move - it can!

OP your husband does NOT think it'll be fine once you get there, he thinks his mother will be so miserable that she'll never be back to even visit, and he finds this amusing? nice guy! that is not only extremely unkind on her but also it'll be hell for you and the kids. He has given up and now he wants to sit back and watch everyone else get dragged down around him!

If you are stretching to a 5 bed in Perth, you CANNOT afford it! theres no primark or lidl there, there is far less choice re groceries and kids clothes therefor there is far less scope for tightening your belt in that department. I have a friend who visits from perth and she is like a kid in a candy store when she goes into supermarkets here, she says that M&S is so much cheaper than the cheaper supermarkets there and there's SOOO much choice (less choice = less budget options). Dito for kids clothes, there just aren't the budget options there are here! Also there are some very very rough areas of Perth, so if you are gettting the cheapest 5 bed house in town you may find yourself in stab city

such a sad story, why do I keep reading?

latest POSTS not texts

My alternative is that we loose the house, we get divorced, I suppose at least that's the end of MIL though.

It doesn't have to be so bad. You have a job waiting. Dh can look after dcs until he gets work, and then you can get the childcare you need. Just tell mil to wait six months and it will be fine.

no that's not the alternative, that is what you're heading for in Perth but in a new strange country!

There was a very good long thread on here a while ago written by people who had done the move to Oz, one poster that got a lot of YYs said "if you're not a happy person here you wont be a happy person there"

OP you are taking everything you are running away from with you!

"My alternative is that we loose the house, we get divorced, I suppose at least that's the end of MIL though"

and would that be so bad? starting again here WITHOUT him and his family dragging you down, as opposed to starting again there with the same failing marraige and IL problems

Except that presumably she is moving for a better job?

yeah but that's it, she'll be supporting an extra adult, and living in an expensive city..

here if she did stay and divorce then she'ld be supporting one LESS adult

Well, if he is prepared to work and especially if he is prepared to do a fly in fly out job, he should find something. We hear constant stories about how desperate the mining sector is for workers. Not the most pleasant work though...

Have you really not got anyone you can talk too?

Really, no one

What about booking in to see some sort of therapist or something. You are not going to get proper advice on this forum and you desperately need some good advice. You sound so angry and worn down.

Monkeymoma comments make sense to me.

If you didn't have kids then it would not matter half as much what you do but you are taking your kids away from their schools, their friends and there home environment into a very precarious situation.

is he? she said she has to nag him to chase up work for over there
is he going to change that much once he's there? she is taking the same man with her! there are unmotivated men out there too, being on different soil doesn't necessarily inject motivation to the unmotivated!

and since being here and facing loosing the house and supporting 5 on 20k isn't motivation enough for him, how is the move going to change him?

and its also the same man who thinks its funny that his 75yr old mother will have such a horrible miserable time there that she'll never want to do even a short visit there again

he's going to be the same person wherever he is!

This is like where people think that having a baby will save their relationship when in fact it just adds so much stress to an already emotional event!

Op-YABU. You have started various threads about this subject and not listenened to a word of advice on any of them. You change the story to suit yourself and trip up on your own words.

If you didnt want mil to come with you then she would be coming.fact You want her for free childcare and possible had earmarked some of her pension too?

Good luck.

Mosman like most others, I am horrified by this situation. There is just so much wrong with it, I hardly know where to start. So I won't.

I'll just concentrate on your OP. If you're hellbent on going, and taking your MIL, surely a 3 bedroom house would be OK? One for you, your DH and the baby, one for your other 3 DCs (bunkbeds if necessary) and one for your MIL. Why did you start talking about renting a 5 bedroomed house half way through the thread? Sorry if I've misunderstood.

This is very much on my mind the fact that she considers herself too good to sleep on a mattress on the floor but it's a perfectly acceptable solution for my DC's. This statement made me realise that nothing your MIL does or says will be right for you. She is absolutely right. I would happily let my DCs sleep on a mattress on the floor, but a 75 yr old with health problems cannot sleep on a blow up bed for one night, never mind 6 weeks. However much a PITA she is.

I would love to hear the MILs side of this saga.

Your alternative is to go and get a 3 bed place for you and your kids. If dh wants to come along then fine - but not his mother
Have you never had the balls to ask her about her despicable behaviour in the past? That would be enough to keep her away from my own children