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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Guests bedrooms, beds and children

346 replies

Mosman · 18/06/2012 14:04

I'm genuinely not sure if IABU i'm a little stressed so my judgement is a bit blurred.
Jist is against my better judgement MIL is coming with us for 6 months when we emigrate to Perth some may remember the real dilemma about taking her in the first place but she's coming to try it out and help us settle in - god help me.
So there is an minor issue being blown out of all proportion IMO about beds and bedrooms.
When we first arrive we need to keep our costs down, DH doesn't have a job yet so I want to rent a 2/3 bedroomed place, DH and I will camp on the sofa bed, the baby will sleep with us and as we get our stuff over the children, 3 girls need a room for their beds and toys etc.
Grandma (MIL) thinks she should have a room to herself and we should buy her a bed as soon as we get there as she has arthritis and a whole catalogue of various other problems. The kids would be expected to sleep on blow up mattresses.
She also isn't happy that the baby will wake in the night - well who is and thinks we should get a bigger place so that less people are disturbed i.e. her. Nevermind that I have to work to support us all on this magical mystery tour.
She isn't planning to contribute towards the rent, will buy her own food as she has two big bills coming up - not sure how she would have handled those big bills if she was staying at home but she is basically pleading poverty.
Nobody made her come with us, at first she didn't want to because she would loose out financially but it seems that WE can loose out and that's just fine.
I am getting more and more aggregated about the whole situation and we aren't even on a plane yet.
Am I being a cow ? It's only for 6 months I guess.

OP posts:
Flisspaps · 19/06/2012 10:06

trixy MIL wants to go - its the OP and her DH who aren't keen on it happening!

SoldeInvierno · 19/06/2012 10:07

This has got disaster written all over it. I'd be surprised if your DH and you are still in good terms after 6 months.

MarySA · 19/06/2012 10:08

Sounds a terrible terrible idea. Maybe she should follow you out once you have settled in. Or find her own accommodation. But I see the tickets are booked. It's a mega stressful thing to do never mind having this other huge problem of your mil. I don't think it is a situation that can be managed I'm afraid. The onlysolution would be to get a much bigger house. All this camping out on blow up beds sounds totally awful. And all her health issues could be a huge problem. Will she be entitled to free treatment.

SoldeInvierno · 19/06/2012 10:09

trixy, read the thread.

MarySA · 19/06/2012 10:09

Sorry I've not read the whole thread. But I don't have a solution I'm afraid. Don't think there is one.

Blatherskite · 19/06/2012 10:10

I'd definitely want to be checking that insurance!!

Original poster
Mosman · 19/06/2012 10:11

She's 75 with arthritis, free childcare, I am almost laughing, I have a 2 year old boy. I can barely keep up with him, there will be no free childcare lets be honest, she can't even undo the buggy straps.

OP posts:
glastocat · 19/06/2012 10:32

As someone who is also planning a move to Perth in the new year, I think you are completely bonkers to consider this. I wouldnt even take my much loved mum for this long, certainly not to sleep on a blow up mattress, and not have bedrooms for everyone, I'm afraid I would end up murdering someone, it just couldnt be done! Check that insurance with a fine tooth comb, private health insurance is completely different from travel insurance for a start. I have a feeling insurance for that long for someone that age is going to be massively expensive.

MorrisZapp · 19/06/2012 10:34

Mosman, do you actually want to emigrate?

And what do you mean re your DHs last chance?

This thread makes it sound as if you hate your MIL, have little time for your DH, don't want to emigrate yet are walking consensually into what will be your worst nightmare, with no safety net.

StillSquiffy · 19/06/2012 10:39

Looking at your post, it seems that she has simply asked for her own room with a proper bed. And has stressed a bit about bringing her own bedding.

Regardless of what has gone before, you are where you are, and she is coming. And what she has asked for is reasonable for a woman with arthritis, and is probably necessary for your sanity because she'll be more in your face without somewhere to retreat to.

You need to accept that she needs her own room and accommodate her in this.

As for everything else: THIS TOO SHALL PASS

On the positive side, I suspect that once she'e finally gone back to the UK, many of those bouts of nostalgia and longing to be home that all expats get will be very tempered for you because you can switch out of them by simply remembering that the old trout is back in blighty, and all the stresses of a new life in Oz will be worth it for that fact alone.

SweetTheSting · 19/06/2012 10:41

What Morris said.

Do you have A plan B if this is just too unbearable after say a
Month?

trixymalixy · 19/06/2012 10:43

Yep, have read thread and also the original thread which tells a very different story about whether it's the Op or the MiL who is keenest for the mIL to come along.

Original poster
Mosman · 19/06/2012 10:54

Trixy, I think you've read the one in elderly parents which was way back when we were first thinking about all this.

Do I want to emigrate, well it's done now. Long and the short of it is we as a family have gone from 2 professional careers, three kids at private school, pony etc to me being the main bread winner on £20,000 a year and DH has given up, stopped looking for work all together. So frankly it couldn't get a lot worse could it.

OP posts:
Original poster
Mosman · 19/06/2012 10:55

Plan B is I book her back on a flight and deal with the fall out, if her son hasn't got a job after a month, she can bloody well take him with her.

OP posts:
Flisspaps · 19/06/2012 10:58

Something else - if DDs father does set legal stuff re access etc in motion once you're in Australia, and you decide you want to come home as it's not working out, would that then present a new problem?

oldnewmummy · 19/06/2012 11:02

That would be worth looking into. I believe from what friends have said that you can't take a child subject to an Australian court order out of Australia without the other parent or court's permission.

Original poster
Mosman · 19/06/2012 11:02

The advice I've had is that he won't get that much say having been absent for 12 years without so much as a birthday card. He might ask for access but it'll be entirely up to DD if she wants to see him and he lives 7 hours flight away even when we are in Australia one of the main attractions of perth

OP posts:
ParkbenchSociety · 19/06/2012 11:03

DIRECT QUOTE.
Wed 02-May-12 18:29:27
"I'm annoyed because I would like her to come with us and not put her sodding pension before her son and grandchildren. Hope that clears that up."
DIRECT QUOTE
Mosman Wed 02-May-12 18:30:37
"Oh and her pension of a grand a month sterling would be pocket money, we wouldn't want a penny from her she would live with us, but oh no that's not good enough."

Op, these are your words......

YAB very U

You need to think about how this is all going to affect your kids. They will pick up on your hostility towards your MIL and your general unhappiness and negativity.

tryingtoleave · 19/06/2012 11:03

The only way that this situation can be saved, I think, is to persuade her to come six-12 months later when you are settled and comfortable and have made a new life. If you are sure she can't stay then it won't matter if she is comfortable while she visits you. It is not fair to expect an old woman to sleep on a blow up matress or to sit at home on her own all weekend while you are 'out'. At the same time you will need time without her to make friends etc. I would offer to organize to change the tickets for her and tell her she will have a nicer time with you later. Anyway, if you are going for ever, it makes more sense for her to break up that forever with a visit.

Also, I wouldn't worry about after school care. All schools in Sydney and Canberra seem to offer after school care - I'm sure Perth is the sa,e.

Chubfuddler · 19/06/2012 11:03

Is he actually going to find work in oz though? Does he have transferable skills? More importantly will he even bother to try?

LadyClariceCannockMonty · 19/06/2012 11:04

I don't really know where to start ? there are so many issues here ? but at the very least she must pay you rent and/or contribute to household expenses. You MUST put your foot down about that.

As for the rest: good luck ...

tryingtoleave · 19/06/2012 11:05

Where is seven hours from Perth?

Original poster
Mosman · 19/06/2012 11:05

That was a month ago Park things have moved on since then

OP posts:
Original poster
Mosman · 19/06/2012 11:10

The million dollar question chub he is applying for roles, no interviews lined up yet though and then gets pissed off with me when I nag about it.
All of this was my mothers bright idea so that gives you an indication of the level of support I have in the UK. An arse of a husband, 4 kids, annoying mil and my mothers solution ? Piss off to the other side of the world. I'm sure it's meant well but arghhh

OP posts:
Dropdeadfred · 19/06/2012 11:12

Honestly I don't understand you allowing this..??? Your mil is an evil old bitch who abandoned her children leaving them hungry and dirty. YOUwill be the one paying bills etc when you go out there - just say NO!!!