DD's ex boyfriend making youtube videos about her

[HairyPotter]

Looking for advice as I really don't know what to do about this.

DD1 is 13, she was going out with him for 6 months. He was very possesive, controlling and played mind games with her all the time. He dumped her via text about 2 months ago.

He posted some crap about her on fb which I asked him to remove, which he did. We have since discovered he has posted videos on you tube with him and another boy talking about how brilliant it would be if he could strap bombs to her back and blow her to fuck. He goes on in a similar vein for around 15 mins. He also talks about how they went to my place of work and ran in the door and yelled "wanker"

I know this all sounds very childish but the thing is, he has linked it to fb so everyone can see it. She is so upset and humiliated. She has had a very hard time at school with bullying which led to self harming and feeling so low she had considered suicide. She has a few sessions with the school therapist which seems to have helped.

I dont give a toss about them coming to my work (I wasn't in that day) but it annoys me that they have mentioned several times who I work for and where it is.

I really do not know what to do? Do I talk to his parents? The school? Or the Police? Im not sure if I am over reacting and this is just stupid wee boys mouthing off. But this is my beautiful clever sensitive daughter he is talking about. And she doesn't deserve any of this. She cried herself to sleep last night and I'm worried that she starts to hurt herself again.

So I suppose the AIBU is, can I say or do anything? My gut reaction is to speak to parents although they are very intimidating or the school.
DH wants to go to the police but I feel that they would think we would be wasting their time. Any advice would be welcomed.

Sorry this is so long btw, thanks if you made it this far.

As far as I know, boy2 was charged last night. My dd was passed a note via a third party which was an apology from him. I d

Arghhh! Stupid phone!!!

I do not believe it to be sincere for one moment and fully expect that his parents have made him write it.

I have left another message for the police to call me back as I want to find out what happened when they visited boy2. I feel like I am stalking them now.

I don't think the school will exclude tbh, I have heard that boy2 may be moving schools anyway as he is not now in catchment after moving house. I would be surprised if the parents don't take this opportunity to changes school after the summer.

So when the police call me back, do I have the right to be kept up to date. They said I probably wouldnt hear anything but can I insist on being informed?

It's difficult to advise without knowing what laws govern the country you live in.

However, in view of what is an extremely serious threat to your dd's safety, I see no reason why you should not insist on being kept up to speed by the police - and every reason why you should be informed of the progress/outcome of the case.

Have you googled to see what support is available via organisations such as the ones I listed as it may be that you can be allocated an advocate to speak for you/your dd at any multi-agency meetings.

How are things going HP?

Sorry to drag this up again. Could do with yet more advice.

Schools went back last week. DD1 shares one subject with boy1 (the ex) they have this subject 3 times a week for an hour each time. HT told me that the boy asked to be moved to another similar subject as he didn't like seeing DD1 around. All this happened the last two weeks of term.

DD1 had this subject on Friday and there he was . I called school and left a message for HT who has just called back to say that he has spoke to the boy this morning and he and his parents have decided that it would be better if he stayed in this subject. There is only one class for this so no chance to change.

It appears that there is nothing that can be done. He has rights and they appear to trump hers as the victim. The HT has told me the teacher is aware of the issues and has made sure he has been seated at the opposite end of the classroom. He is off the opinion that they are supervised at all times so should not be a problem.

This means that we either need to move her, which is not ideal as she is very good at this subject, he isn't at all, which makes me think that this is all about his control again.

Now this is the worst bit, and it wasn't something I knew at the time. DD1 broke down the day before term ended and confessed that he kept 'trying it on with her' she actually had to fight him off at times. She was too frightened of him to finish things . I spoke to the female officer when she called me the next morning to update me. Me and dh decided that we didn't want to press charges as it would be a 'he said, she said' situation and we didn't want her to go through that.

The officer called back and said in view of her age, she would need to come and take a statement anyway. It was one of the worst moments in my life listening to that. My poor poor baby.

Anyway, sorry for epic post, but I didn't want to drip feed. I am furious that she needs to be in the same room as him for 3 hours a week. It appears that is nothing I can do, short of moving her to different subject. Moving schools not an option. I told the HT that i was far from happy, he knows about the sexual assault btw. He is going to take it to HQ to get advice, tbh I can't see anything happening.

My next plan is to involve my councillor. I know I should just move her to the other subject, by why should I? She has sone nothing wrong. I feel so angry and helpless. Does anyone have any experience of how the Scottish school system works in these instances? Can they insist that he changes subjects?

I have no advice I am afraid, but wanted to say well done to you and your daughter for seeing this through and that I am sorry that you are all still having to fight this boy.

Actually I do have one piece of advice and that would be to contact the stalking helpline that Izzy suggested. I don't think he has to be following her etc for this to count as stalking. But if you feel that he has kept this lesson just to be with your daughter, even though he admits he can't stand to see her, I would be very, very worried. He's had visits from the police, his computer accounts shut down and hopefully a good telling off from his parents, plus a long summer holiday to give them both some space and distance, yet he doesn't seem ready to let your daughter go. I really do believe that helpline might give you some valuable advice and help.

Please call them.

Oh god hairy. No real advice I'm just so sorry your daughter is still having to put up with this. Luckily she has an amazing mum fighting her corner. Hope you can resokve this. The head teacher sounds like an idiot :(

Police and then school as a precaution in case it carries on when they go back. Keep us posted on what happens.

Is there any way you could go and sit in on those lessons, so you know they are properly supervised? Is there any way your DD would actually be happy for you to do that?

I think his parents have probably encouraged him to continue this class tbh. I get the impression that after the initial shock of police turning up to charge him, they didn't want to watch the video remember, they are now firmly on the side of their precious son. I think they think its all done and dusted and anything else is just persecuting him. They don't know anything of the sexual assault either.

It's not that I think he will do anything in class, im almost certain he wouldn't, it's the fact that he is there at all. He is big and intimidating. She is still having sleepless nights about everything and she just needs to be able to get on with schooling without tensing up everytime she goes into this lesson.

Start keeping a log of any incidents. Not sure about the class thing. Could you contact the education dept at the council?

What happened after they were both charged? Did they just get a caution or is it still ongoing? As it's all on record with the police already, could you apply for a restraining order or something which would force them to keep him away from her?

Maybe you should go through the charging for sexual assault? I know it would be really tough on your DD, but surely this youtube stuff would greatly add to the case against him?

Could you suggest that either the boy or your daughter are taught separately for this subject?

Restraining order sounds a good idea if he's still intimidating/harassing her.

Good idea re log. He shot her a glare on Friday, when mentioned that to HT this morning, it was 'well there isn't much we can do about a look'. I'll start a notebook to keep track of all this.

Both boys were charged under the telecommications act, sending grossly offensive images. The system here means that it gets referred to the Procurator Fiscal who will then decide if there is enough evidence to proceed. The police have pretty much said that in view of their ages (12&13) it will probably not be in the public interest to prosecute.

I really really don't want to press charges re assault, I don't think they would be allowed to use the YouTube stuff as part of a case either.

I will broach getting taught separately although I don't think there will enough in the budget to spare an extra teacher.

Can you get restraining orders for this? All he is now doing is glaring occasionally. Would the other reports to police be taken into account, even though we haven't pressed charges in one?

HT is contacting education dept. That, and my councillor will be my next step.

I have told DD that I will fight for her as hard as I can, but it might not be enough

There isn't a (decent - I know it happens but it shouldn't) workplace in the civilised world that would make a woman share an office with a man who has harassed and sexually assaulted her. Why on earth should it be acceptable for your DD to go through that when she's only 13? Fight this with everything you've got, it's so wrong :(

Hairy I am absolutely livid on your behalf at this ineffectual HT.

Schools have a duty of care to their pupils. This includes mental AND physical safety. The logistics of how to manage this situation (eg separate classes) is not your concern, it is for them to manage.

To be cynical, safeguarding is a HUGE issue at the moment, so I would go down this route to protect your DD.

I would insist on a meeting with HT, a representative from County/LEA and Governors. I would simply state that the current set up is not acceptable and ask what they intend to do in order to safeguard your DD from mental anxiety.

I would also ask to see their bullying procedure ( I know this goes beyond that but it is one way that it could be resolved) to show that you are not just going to be fobbed off. There will be a section that states along the lines of students who continue to bully will be excluded. I am surprised that this hasn't happened already.

I think you need to go above HT as it seems they aren't going to do anything further. Also does DD have a good Head of Year? Speak to them so they can fight your DD's corner and put pressure on HT. It their job.

At 12 and 13 these aren't 'options' subjects are they? This is still mainstream curriculum. So unless it is a very tiny school with once class intake (unlikely) I don't see any reason why the boy cannot be moved.

BUT. Schools often have to fence sit where no 'crime' has been committed on premises.

With a larger school, the classes would probably be in sets, therefore it could be argued he has a right to be taught according to his academic ability.

I don't understand why the parents weren't informed by the police about the sexual assault. Nor do I understand why they haven't seen the video. That doesnt strike me as normal at all. Surely the vidoe was shown to the boy during questioning and a/both parents were present? Or are things so very different in Scotland?

Go to his school and the police i also would be temeoted to call ss if his parents wont put a stop to things

Not sure why you didnt step in eailer its our job to say at that age who is git and not a it person for our chikdren to be around
If it were my child that would of hot knocked of the head months ago with a poliet visit from oh

Call the police. Make them very aware. Make others aware. Then watch the idiot walk in shame

What a total dick! Your poor DD.

Ok, just off phone to HT, he has taken legal advice and wants me to put everything in writing, re police and social work. He can then go back to them and they can look at it as a child protection issue. He is also going to speak to the parents and try and exert gentle pressure on them to change boys subject.

He was very sympathetic this time and I do think he is trying to do the right thing. This boy does have rights though. he did however suggest that DD could change subjects. I told him that I would fight it all the way before I let that happen.

I feel a bit more positive now. Surely when the legal department have the full story, they have to move him?

Thanks to everyone who has posted support, it really means a lot.

I hope whatever you do op, you get justice some way. I'm sick of creatures like that getting away with things like this.