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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

DD's ex boyfriend making youtube videos about her

283 replies

HairyPotter · 18/06/2012 09:31

Looking for advice as I really don't know what to do about this.

DD1 is 13, she was going out with him for 6 months. He was very possesive, controlling and played mind games with her all the time. He dumped her via text about 2 months ago.

He posted some crap about her on fb which I asked him to remove, which he did. We have since discovered he has posted videos on you tube with him and another boy talking about how brilliant it would be if he could strap bombs to her back and blow her to fuck. He goes on in a similar vein for around 15 mins. He also talks about how they went to my place of work and ran in the door and yelled "wanker" Hmm

I know this all sounds very childish but the thing is, he has linked it to fb so everyone can see it. She is so upset and humiliated. She has had a very hard time at school with bullying which led to self harming and feeling so low she had considered suicide. Sad She has a few sessions with the school therapist which seems to have helped.

I dont give a toss about them coming to my work (I wasn't in that day) but it annoys me that they have mentioned several times who I work for and where it is.

I really do not know what to do? Do I talk to his parents? The school? Or the Police? Im not sure if I am over reacting and this is just stupid wee boys mouthing off. But this is my beautiful clever sensitive daughter he is talking about. And she doesn't deserve any of this. She cried herself to sleep last night and I'm worried that she starts to hurt herself again.

So I suppose the AIBU is, can I say or do anything? My gut reaction is to speak to parents although they are very intimidating or the school.
DH wants to go to the police but I feel that they would think we would be wasting their time. Any advice would be welcomed.

Sorry this is so long btw, thanks if you made it this far.

OP posts:
HairyPotter · 20/06/2012 14:21

The police have charged exbf. His parents are furious with him and his you tube and facebook accounts have been closed.

He has asked to be moved from the class he has with dd and admitted to police he doesn't like seeing her around Hmm

We probably won't hear anything further about this, the officer said that it might not be in the public interest to prosecute. He got a massive fright when the police officers turned up at his door and I hope he will learn from this.

DD seems fine on the outside, when it all gets out at school, which it will without a doubt, I'm not sure how she'll cope. School breaks up next week which i'm sure will help.

Thanks again to everyone who replied. I really appreciate so many people offering support. Nest of vipers my arse! Grin

OP posts:
mistlethrush · 20/06/2012 14:31

I'm so pleased that it was taken this seriously - and I hope that the charge is enough to shake him up and make him realise that he can't go around doing this sort of thing without any repercussions.

I'm glad your DD is getting support from school - don't beat yourself up about the fact that she's opening up to a stranger not you - you're her mum, and the way you've dealt with this - and indeed making sure that she's going to get the help she needs - is proof enough of your care and love for her.

cocolepew · 20/06/2012 14:32

Im so glad to hear his parents were furious!

By the time your DD gets back to school after the break something else will be the the main gossip.

Take care x

HotDAMNlifeisgood · 20/06/2012 14:33

Excellent. Sounds like a good call by the police, excuted in a swift manner.

Good that his parents are validating the position that exbf was in the wrong - he may even learn something from this experience.

Your DD did absolutely everything right, and I hope she knows how brave she was. If it all gets out at school, that's what she should remember.

DowagersHump · 20/06/2012 14:47

I'm so glad his parents are furious too - I thought when you said that the police couldn't find them or exbf that they might be protecting him.

You and your DD should be really proud of yourselves for handling this so well.

EldritchCleavage · 20/06/2012 14:49

Oh good. I hope your DD manages to brazen it out. I suspect quite a few children will secretly admire her for this. Who knows who he might have done it to before.

Smellslikecatspee · 20/06/2012 15:03

Have been lurking, but wanted to say Thank God that (a) they've taken it seriously (b) that his parents have taken it seriously too, hopefully it will be a huge wake up call for him.

I hope all continues well

And well done to your DD, and I hope she gets the support, and good on you for fighting this through

FfoFfycsecs · 20/06/2012 16:11

Hairy I'm glad it's been taken seriously.
Just wanted to say that the fact that your DD finds it easier to open up to strangers is absolutely not your fault in any way. Please don't feel bad about it. I was exactly the same with my mother, and she was the loveliest woman I have ever met, and we were closer than any mother and daughter I've ever met. But when I worried about things, I would prefer to talk to strangers about them because I felt that my friends and family would always be on my side and I needed a balanced perspective. Also, the fact that we were so close meant that I knew she would worry about me if she knew how down I got at times.
The other thing is that it's not natural for a parent to know the details of their teenager's lives, so if I did tell her about boyfriend troubles, she'd find out more than I wanted her to IYKWIM.
I am still a bit like that now- My mother died, but if I have worries I won't share them with those closest to me.

The fact that she opens up to anyone at all is a good thing, and the fact that it's not you is no reflection on your relationship. Please don't worry about that aspect of things. You sound like an absolutely lovely, gentle, loving and sweet mother, and your love for your DD is absolutely clear.

gothicangel · 20/06/2012 17:01

im so glad he has been charged, your DD has been on my mind.

i really hope she is ok and people at school are kind

xxxx

welldone hairy, your a great mum xxx :) Thanks for you x

GhouliaYelps · 20/06/2012 17:24

I am So glad of this outcome. What a nasty little shit he is, hope he got the shock of his life. Things like this need to be nipped in the bud. I hope it works out for your poor dd.

HairyPotter · 20/06/2012 18:24

You are all so kind.

OP posts:
izzyizin · 20/06/2012 18:38

Based on what you have said today, I have serious concern that this matter is being, or will be, dealt with in a manner that will reassure your dd and yourself/wider family that it is being taken seriously and I give apologies in advance for what is likely to be a long response.

Are you aware of the specific offence(s) the young perpetrator has been charged with?

I would hope that he has been charged with an offence or offences under the Protection from Harassment Act 1997 as amended such as causing alarm or distress under Section 2 and/or putting people in fear of violence under Section 4.

I would also hope that his partner in crime co-offender has been similarly charged or has been charged with aiding and abetting. While it may not be 'in the public interest' for this young person to be prosecuted, it is my belief that it is very much in the public interest for the institigator of serious threats against your dd's life to be dealt with by the Youth Courts as this will send a message to his peers that such behaviour will not be tolerated.

You have said that you 'probably won't hear anything further' but this should not be the case. The police should call a MARAC (multi-agency risk assessment conference) to share information with agencies such as SS, the LEA, and others that may have professional involvement with this boy/his parents, with a view to constructing and implementing a risk management plan to provide professional support to all of those at risk and who may be at risk of repeat victimisation - and I would remind you that you, too, have been subjected to harassment.

This lad may well have had a 'massive fright' when the police fetched up on his doorstep, but bitter experience leads me to believe that such fear is temporary at best and may subsequently give rise to a certain swagger when he is recounting his experiences at the hands of the boys & girls in blue to his peers.

His behaviour has been attention-seeking in the extreme and, make no mistake, he will now be on the receiving end of the attention he craves from 'understanding' adults who won't be 'furious' with him. It may be said that he will be treated with kid gloves while his victim is left out in the cold and marginalised to a point where she may wonder if she is at fault.

The fact that you've said he has 'asked to be moved from the class he has with dd' gives cause for concern that he will be able to resume his education at your dd's school and that it may be that others will, for want of a better term, 'fight his cause' in a more subtle manner to the continued detriment of her emotional wellbeing.

Under the circumstances I would urge you to seek a restraining order on behalf of your dd which will prohibit her aggressor from:

either alone or by means of agents) to directly or indirectly contact, harass, alarm, or distress the victim and others as appropriate;
not to knowingly approach within the boundary of specified streets/roads any premises where the victim and others as appropriate reside, work or frequent;
not to telephone, fax, communicate by letter, text, electronic mail or internet with the victim and others as appropriate, or to send or solicit any correspondence whatsoever;
not to display any material relating to the victim on social networking sites including YouTube, Facebook and Twitter;
not to retain, record or research by any means, private, confidential or personal facts, or information relating to the victim and others as appropriate

If such an order is granted, your dd will be able to continue her education at her current school without fear of encountering her aggressor. If no order is in place and the LEA choose not to permanently exclude this particular pupil, my fear is that you/she may be looking at the need for her to change schoools.

To this end, you may find the following agencies of help:

National Stalking Helpline www.stalkinghelpline.org tel 0300 63pro6 0300

www.protectionagainststalking.org which works with relevant agencies (such as police, SS, LEAs etc) to ensure victims receive aall the protection and help they need to live free of fear

The network for surviving stalking www.nss.org.uk which was established by a victim

And finally the Corom Childrens Legal Centre may be a source of free legal advice www.childrenslegalcentre.com albeit, in common with her agressor, your daughter should be entitled to legal aid if you seek a consultation with a solicitor.

I would add that www.rightsofwomen.org.uk is also a valuable resource for females young and old.

Many victims have placed their faith in the police only to be disappointed. I hope you will take steps to ensure that your dd won't be disappointed by the eventual outcome of this matter.

FTR, I don't always take such a hardline against young offenders but in this instance the extreme nature of the threats against your dd have given rise to my serious fear for her emotional wellbeing and for her safety. She needs to know that if she hadn't had the misfortune to become involved with him, he would have alighted on another victim and another young girl and her family would be undergoing what you are going through now.

Congratulations at getting to the end of this marathon post. I hope it will be of help to you.

LeB0F · 20/06/2012 18:57

That sounds like really excellent advice.

izzyizin · 20/06/2012 18:59

he has posted videos on you tube with him and another boy talking about how brilliant it would be if he could strap bombs to her back and blow her to fuck

This story is a national newspaper reporter's dream.

The Crown Prosecution Service tends to make decisions on what the police tell them but there's no reason why you can't provide the CPS with information that may not have been passed to them: www.cps.gov.uk

HairyPotter · 20/06/2012 19:02

izzy thank you so much for taking the time to type that up. Lots of food for thought there. I will study it all later tonight. The other boy is being charged today. I'm sure the police officer said it was under the malicious telecommunications act 2009. We aren't in England so I'm unsure if things are different here.

HT has said if after talking to parents and LA if he has any concerns about DD's safety then the boy will not remain at the school.

He isn't stalking her, he doesn't talk to her or follow her around, he spends most of his time talking about her to other people or his webcam. He has been told by police and HT this is is unacceptable and must stop.

The HT will let me know outcome of meeting with parents and we can take this from there.

DD seems brighter today, nothing was mentioned at school, although the other boy did 'give her the evils' at the lunchtime. I would imagine he may not be so cocky after the police visit him tonight. I did of course grass him up the the HT Smile

OP posts:
izzyizin · 20/06/2012 19:03

Correction: the National Stalking Helpline numer is 0300 636 0300

WhatWouldMargoDo · 20/06/2012 19:38

That was a great post by izzy. I really hope he gets the book thrown at him.

waltermittymissus · 20/06/2012 19:56

Hairy well done! Your daughter will be so proud to have a mum who is willing to stand up for her so much! :)

Loonytoonie · 20/06/2012 21:17

Valuable info from izzy

Good luck to you Hairy, and strength to your daughter.

JuicyOrange · 20/06/2012 21:19

Excellent to hear police are taking it seriously. What a horrible time for you and your daughter. Sending you both strength.

GhouliaYelps · 21/06/2012 11:41

Brilliant advice from Izzy

UnexpectedItemInShaggingArea · 21/06/2012 12:37

Izzy - great post, will be storing that away for future (brewing situation here which thankfully hasn't reached serious stage yet).

Hairy you have done your daughter proud, I hope you can continue to fight her corner.

I agree with all the posters who say that this is a serious issue which deserves serious consequences, otherwise how are young people expected to learn what is acceptable behaviour?

Do you / your daughter want / need an apology from the boys, or is no contact at all preferable?

TheRhubarb · 21/06/2012 14:17

Hairy, I am so very sorry your dd has to go through this. I would be asking that he be excluded tbh. Even though the cops turned up at his home, he had to cheek to tell them that he didn't like seeing her around - which bit of that sounds like remorse?

I don't like the sound of this boy and think it would be better for your dd if he weren't around at all. I've a feeling this won't be the first time he gets into trouble with the police. He probably blames everyone else for his actions - a control freak like you said.

I hope the HT does the sensible thing and excludes him. And I hope his parents take responsibility for him too.

flatbellyfella · 21/06/2012 15:40

I have lurked all the way on this post & very impressed with all the excellent advice given by MNers, I am so pleased you acted on that advice & got a hopefully,good result. Good luck & best wishes for you & your family.

izzyizin · 21/06/2012 15:55

I hadn't realised that the 2nd offender is also a pupil at your dd's school or that the laws of England/Wales may not apply to your situation, but a google search should provide you with legal information relevant to your location and details of organisations dedicated to supporting victims of harassment, stalking, and related offences. Alternatively, post on the Legal board for further advice or pm me.

What you don't want is a situation where the behaviour manifested by the instigator is ascribed to teenage hormones/angst of the Romeo & Juliet variety which the little scrote poor diddums was unable to express in a more constructive manner due to a 'deprived' childhood or similar.

Given that the, hopefully now, co-accused has had the temerity to give your dd the evil eye, it would seem essential that their unholy alliance is not allowed to continue on the same school premises and this can only be assured by the permanent exclusion of your dd's prime tormentor.

If you have reason to believe that your dd's welfare is being overlooked, please don't hesitate to invoke the name of your local rag and/or national newspapers and make contact with your MP.

FTR, if these boys are convicted, all or part of the terms of a restraining order as outlined in my earlier response can be imposed by a Court at sentencing. Where applicable, victims should ask prosecution barristers to request restraining and/or reparation orders on conviction prior to commencement of any Court hearing/trial.

In this particular case, should there be any Court proceedings, it's most probably unlikely that your dd would be called to give evidence and you'll have to make any such request known to the police or, preferably, speak direct to the prosecution lawyers.

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