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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DD's ex boyfriend making youtube videos about her

283 replies

HairyPotter · 18/06/2012 09:31

Looking for advice as I really don't know what to do about this.

DD1 is 13, she was going out with him for 6 months. He was very possesive, controlling and played mind games with her all the time. He dumped her via text about 2 months ago.

He posted some crap about her on fb which I asked him to remove, which he did. We have since discovered he has posted videos on you tube with him and another boy talking about how brilliant it would be if he could strap bombs to her back and blow her to fuck. He goes on in a similar vein for around 15 mins. He also talks about how they went to my place of work and ran in the door and yelled "wanker" Hmm

I know this all sounds very childish but the thing is, he has linked it to fb so everyone can see it. She is so upset and humiliated. She has had a very hard time at school with bullying which led to self harming and feeling so low she had considered suicide. Sad She has a few sessions with the school therapist which seems to have helped.

I dont give a toss about them coming to my work (I wasn't in that day) but it annoys me that they have mentioned several times who I work for and where it is.

I really do not know what to do? Do I talk to his parents? The school? Or the Police? Im not sure if I am over reacting and this is just stupid wee boys mouthing off. But this is my beautiful clever sensitive daughter he is talking about. And she doesn't deserve any of this. She cried herself to sleep last night and I'm worried that she starts to hurt herself again.

So I suppose the AIBU is, can I say or do anything? My gut reaction is to speak to parents although they are very intimidating or the school.
DH wants to go to the police but I feel that they would think we would be wasting their time. Any advice would be welcomed.

Sorry this is so long btw, thanks if you made it this far.

OP posts:
keepcalmandeatcupcakes · 18/06/2012 10:06

Try and screenshot everything. Take the laptop to the police station so they can see it first hand. If the school try and talk you out of going to the police - go anyway. The good news is the videos can be reported and removed but you need the police to get the evidence before this happens. I hope your daughters okay.

TeWiDoesTheHulaInHawaii · 18/06/2012 10:10

Don't report the video until you have shown the police and school.

You need the evidence.

HeadfirstForHalos · 18/06/2012 10:14

I agree with ringing the police and speaking to the school.

Ariel24 · 18/06/2012 10:15

Definitely police, and make sure they see the videos asap! Then school. God it makes me furious, I fucking hate facebook as well. I went through some horrible times at school but never had bloody facebook to contend with.

I hope the little shit gets what's coming to him but most of all I hope your daughter is ok. Oh and the police definitely wouldn't think you are time wasting, honestly!

crazygracieuk · 18/06/2012 10:15

My children are at primary and they had a policeman come round to talk about cyber bullying. They were told that the police would take it seriously and not to suffer in silence.

CeliaFate · 18/06/2012 10:16

I did tell her to finish with him when I realised that he was messing with her mind but I was aware she loved him and while the bullying was going on, he at least some of the time made her happy.

That's one of the saddest things I've seen posted on here from a mother. This is why Relationships is full of women who think this is normal.

Ivykate44 - at 13 your parents are in charge of who comes to your house and where you go. I understand that children may lie or deceive you, but parents need to step in at this age.

I'm glad you're going to the school and the Police, OP. This boy's behaviour is appalling.

sue52 · 18/06/2012 10:20

This is anything but "childish". Phone the police and contact school immediately. They will take this very seriously.

Squirrelz · 18/06/2012 10:20

If you need to download copies of the videos as evidence, use this add-on for the Firefox browser:
addons.mozilla.org/en-US/firefox/addon/video-downloadhelper/

mygladhart · 18/06/2012 10:21

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
HairyPotter · 18/06/2012 12:47

Thank you all for your help. I have contacted the school and they will look at the video and speak to parents and exbf. I went to police station but we live in a small village and it is unmanned for most of the day. I have called the number and I'm waiting on a call back.

I mentioned upthread that I only found out about the way he was treating her after it was all over. As I said, he was very nice and polite and everyone speaks highly of him. When she said that he didn't really like her friends etc, warning bells started to go off. When I told her that she should finish with him, she got upset and said that she loves him and was happy. If I had known then the things I do now, there is no way in hell she would have been allowed to keep seeing him. She is a very introverted girl and struggles to tell me how she is feeling. I only found out about self harming when her friend told her dad who then told me. Sad

I already feel I have failed as a parent for not noticing how bad she was feeling but I don't think I could have handled the bf situation any differently at the time.

Thank you all again.

OP posts:
TheRhubarb · 18/06/2012 12:57

At 13 they are still children and need adult guidance. Perhaps you could sit down with your dd and have a full heart to heart with her. Tell her that she can trust you and you would like her to be able to come to you with any issue - that nothing should be too embarrassing to discuss and that you would never ever get furious with her about something she has confided in you.

You also need to keep talking to your dd. If she has boyfriends round, keep a close watch on her and them, ask her about it, talk about relationships with her and talk about falling in love. You can even talk to her about your own relationships, esp with her dad and why it didn't work out. You may think she's too young to know the ins and outs but if you are allowing her to date then you need to also be open and upfront with her.

It sounds as though this boy is trouble and the school do need to know, as do the police. This is cyber bullying and he could get into real trouble. Alert Facebook too. He will do this to other girls so you need to take fast action.

I will also give you the same advice that was given to me by Mumsnet a while ago about my own shy dd. Most secondary schools now have lunchtime activities so get your dd to sign up to a few. She will make new friends, find new hobbies, the bullying will decrease (as she won't be around much to be bullied) and her confidence will grow. It might also be a good idea to sign her up to self defence classes, as again this helps their confidence to grow and it's always nice to know that they can handle themselves should any situation turn that way.

You don't sound very confident yourself so be careful you don't pass on any anxieties or lack of confidence onto your dd.

wotgoesaround · 18/06/2012 12:57

This is a genuine question, not an opinion.
What has it got to do with the school? This horrible situation has arisen following an out of school relationship and executed on the horrible boy's private computer. I could understand if the boy had used school computers or it had happened during school hours, but other than alerting the school to the fact that the girl might be upset, what responsibility is it of the schools?

Pinner35 · 18/06/2012 13:03

Hairy - its supernanny here (your WWF partner!). So sorry you and your dd are going through this. No advice I'm afraid, but I wanted you to know I was thinking of you.

SmellyFartado · 18/06/2012 13:04

Oh god OP, please go to the police immediately. Reading your post made me remember the following story:

www.guardian.co.uk/uk/2011/jun/22/teenager-killed-girl-rock-wales

This boy has made public and sinister threats about your daughter and this needs to be dealt with asap by the police. Agree with all of the other posts also to inform the school immediately.

DowagersHump · 18/06/2012 13:07

wotgoesaround - they are at the same school. If a pupil is making threats to another pupil, the school absolutely should be informed.

SmellyFartado · 18/06/2012 13:07

Sorry Hairy, X posted as computer very slow. You have absolutely done the right thing in raising this with police and school.

EldritchCleavage · 18/06/2012 13:10

In case the police try and fob you off, refer them to the Malicious Communications Act, the Communications Act 2003, and the Protection from Harassment Act 1997. All are avenues to prosecute this kind of thing (not saying the boy should necessarily be prosecuted, but don't let them tell you this isn't potentially criminal. Bear in mind the Protection of Freedoms Act 2012 has just amended the PHA 1997 to add various provisions about stalking.

This CPS website page (seemingly not yet updated to include the changes from the Protection of Freedoms Act is a very good place to read up on the law about harassment and stalking.

ReportMeNow · 18/06/2012 13:11

School need to be involved because this is part of ongoing bullying occurring at school and presumably where HP's dd sees the unpleasant scroat still every day, so the school need to be very much aware and involved.

TheRhubarb · 18/06/2012 13:13

Yes school need to be informed as both are pupils. The OP's dd is already being bullied and this incident is making that bullying worse. As she comes into contact with this boy at school and he is persecuting her, the school need to do something to protect her.

Original poster
HairyPotter · 18/06/2012 13:15

rhubarb she knows she can talk to me, I have told her so many times but there seems to be an invisible wall that she can't break through. When I do manage to get her talk about how she feels, I tell her again that I'm always there for her and she can tell me anything. The bullying has stopped now after many many meetings with school so she is happier in that respect.

whatgoes I contacted the school because he mentioned blowing up the home economics department as well as talking about dd and the headmaster.

pinner thank you I will be back on wwf asap

OP posts:
spooktrain · 18/06/2012 13:15

Realplayer has a utility for downloading videos

CinnabarRed · 18/06/2012 13:16

You haven't failed as a parent at all - you're sorting this out now. In the future your DD will remember that you were there for her when she needed you, long after she's forgotten the hurt she's feeling now.

Pixieonthemoor · 18/06/2012 13:17

Hairy - don't doubt yourself, your daughter needs you now. I would echo all the excellent advice here. Gather all the evidence and then go on the warpath. Police and school - this little scrote needs to have the law come down on him hard and he needs to be left under no illusion that this kind of behaviour is ok. It is quite disturbed and disturbing and, if you want to look at it from another point of view, you would be doing him a favour by highlighting that there is something wrong here. Good luck.

hiviolet · 18/06/2012 13:20

Wow, talk about red flags with that boy. Abusing and harassing a girlfriend at 13? I dread to think what he'll be like in 10-15 years.

Buddhastic · 18/06/2012 13:25

Your poor daughter, hold her close and above all make sure she knows NONE of this is her fault.