DD's ex boyfriend making youtube videos about her

[HairyPotter]

Looking for advice as I really don't know what to do about this.

DD1 is 13, she was going out with him for 6 months. He was very possesive, controlling and played mind games with her all the time. He dumped her via text about 2 months ago.

He posted some crap about her on fb which I asked him to remove, which he did. We have since discovered he has posted videos on you tube with him and another boy talking about how brilliant it would be if he could strap bombs to her back and blow her to fuck. He goes on in a similar vein for around 15 mins. He also talks about how they went to my place of work and ran in the door and yelled "wanker"

I know this all sounds very childish but the thing is, he has linked it to fb so everyone can see it. She is so upset and humiliated. She has had a very hard time at school with bullying which led to self harming and feeling so low she had considered suicide. She has a few sessions with the school therapist which seems to have helped.

I dont give a toss about them coming to my work (I wasn't in that day) but it annoys me that they have mentioned several times who I work for and where it is.

I really do not know what to do? Do I talk to his parents? The school? Or the Police? Im not sure if I am over reacting and this is just stupid wee boys mouthing off. But this is my beautiful clever sensitive daughter he is talking about. And she doesn't deserve any of this. She cried herself to sleep last night and I'm worried that she starts to hurt herself again.

So I suppose the AIBU is, can I say or do anything? My gut reaction is to speak to parents although they are very intimidating or the school.
DH wants to go to the police but I feel that they would think we would be wasting their time. Any advice would be welcomed.

Sorry this is so long btw, thanks if you made it this far.

Thanks Emma I'm only doing what everyone of us would do for their child.
The problem is, the little git has rights too. As I said to the HT, at the moment, they seem to trump hers

The boy sounds like such a little brat!!

I think that sounds fine. However I would watch the way you word the sexual assault information, although I have no doubts your daughter is telling the truth, it has not been 'proven' so to speak and I would hate for the boys parents to start a battle with you for slander or something similar.

I think its very unfair that she has too be in the same room as him, I really do. I do not think they will make him more class because ultimately he has a right to the education subjects he chooses. I am afraid they will make your daughter move class or say there is nothing more to be done. Sometimes things are very unfair! Human rights nonsense.

I feel so sorry for your daughter it sounds like she has some issues she needs to deal with outside of this situation and no doubt this is making it worse. Well done for going to the police, sounds like they handled it well.

Hairy that email was great and well done for writing it so clearly and concisely. I think I would have found it hard not to go off into a rant.

However, the more I read about him, the more I am worried that nothing will make him let this go.

He's got to extremes already and despite the police, his parents and the school getting involved, even six weeks off school being away from her and he still hasn't stopped.

It may be that his parents decided to leave him in the class they share but they aren't making him stare at your daughter or talk about her in other classes.

I don't want to scare you but you read about these cases in the news, usually only when the girl has been hurt or even killed by her ex. The school need to take this far more seriously but I am worried that his obsession with your daughter won't end even if they do move his classes or expel him for good.

Can you do something that will help improve her confidence and her safety. Enrol her in some sort of self defence classes and get her a personal alarm. Make sure she has someone she trusts to go to and from school with and always has her phone charged and with credit. Tell her that if she wants to she can get up and leave the class if he is staring at her, and call you to come to school at any time. And make sure that she knows he owes him nothing, is not responsible for his actions or any consequences he may face for them. That even if he starts to be nice to her, she shouldn't trust him or be alone with him. And that she can talk to someone she trusts at any time.

If it came to charges of slander wouldn't it be up to them to prove it wasn't factual? In other words, I don't think Hairy needs to be ultra careful about this boy's rights -- if they want to make a fuss then it is up to them, but the DD here is seeing a counselor who would be able to hazard an opinion about the sexual assault too...

Hairy

What Cricketballs said is correct.
In addition, the school will have one chance to permanently exclude the boy/s. The case must be water tight and must not only go through the governing body of the school but any appeals process.

They will -I am sure- be taking this seriously.

There is no chance he will be excluded. the best we can hope for is him to change subjects. She had another lesson with him today, the next one is Friday. Really would like it sorted by then. Not a hope in hell though

Got email from HT to say he would be in contact with me as soon as he has heard back from Legal.

Will update with any progress. Thanks so much to you all.

I know that its been said but keep a record of everything (and I mean everything), Keep the school informed they will be able to build up a portfolio.

Ivana he's not actually doing anything at the moment so can't see that they would allocate 3 hours for a few stares. He is too clever to get caught doing anything else.

I worry that it would draw unwanted attention to DD as well. Kids can be pretty cruel at times.

CCTV in classroom? General anti-bullying measure, could try and get central funding for it.

Or even a webcam on the class PC (most schools seem to have PCs and interactive whiteboards these days anyway!). Then if he is staring at her all the time, they have evidence of intimidation. Teacher could set it running before kids come in.

Some good ideas there. I will wait for an answer from legal and take it from there. She does have a phone with her at all times, but I will discuss web cams if they dont play ball

No, he knows nothing about the assault complaint. He probably thinks what he did was ok. She had to elbow him very hard in the stomach to stop him. He would say he wouldn't do it again, but he always did.

I'm heartbroken she has had to go through this, and so very sad she didn't feel able to talk about it to me.

Your email sounds perfect. Especially with the link to the video that they will have to watch themselves. Good luck.

Just found this thread, your poor DD. The boys should be permanently excluded form this school. Is there no way you can take out an injunction against them so that they are not allowed near her.

Imagine how seriously this would have been taken if this was an American school.

I'm not sure if webcams would be ok as there are other children in the classroom too, and there would be issues as to who views the footage, how long is it kept, who has access to it. Plus the teacher might not want to have his or her lessons taped.

I think you should get a solicitor, Hairy. There is always a dissenting legal opinion -- legal minds seldom agree, and coming up with your own legal argument would mean the school legal dept would need to justify the school stance and not dictate the school stance to you or coat it in legalese which I think will happen if you rely on it. There is also the protection order route, which the school would have to take notice of.

I second all the suggestions from Kungfupanda -- the school needs to do far better than just be fuzzy about what exactly they are asking your DD to tolerate by way of verbal or non-verbal communication from this boy (it should be nothing - no looks and nothing verbal and nothing from his friends either). They need to assure you also that every teacher knows what has happened and will respond appropriately to any complaint your DD makes and to anything they notice this boy doing.

Update.

He's been moved!!

No thanks to the legal department at education authority I might add. Their response was 'he has as much right as her to be in that class'

The HT has had a word with the parents and although he wouldn't go into details, a decision has been made to move hin to the other class.

We can finally draw a line under this now and she can get on with her education in peace I hope

Thanks again to everyone who has posted, the support and advice has been invaluable.

Thank goodness for that.

I hope this is it now for her and he leaves her alone.

Good news. I'm glad your daughter, who has done nothing wrong, gets to stay and not him.

good news, very happy for you.

So pleased for you all, as awful as all this has been its great for your daughter to know she has someone to,fight for her, well done to you

Great to hear. Also, meant to say sooner, great that your daughter confided in you about all this - she didn't have to - you must be very proud (amongst a whole other mix of emotions!) hope she goes from strength to strength.

Phew what a relief. I wonder if the HT actually passed on the information that he assaulted her...

If he's behaving like that at 13 I dread to think what else he could be capable of in the future

So glad to hear this good outcome for you OP - followed your thread originally and just read the updates and ongoing problems. I really hope that this is the end of it for you and DD, and that she can get on with her education without this odious little cretin bullying and harrassing her.

That is good news.

Yay!