DD's ex boyfriend making youtube videos about her

[HairyPotter]

Looking for advice as I really don't know what to do about this.

DD1 is 13, she was going out with him for 6 months. He was very possesive, controlling and played mind games with her all the time. He dumped her via text about 2 months ago.

He posted some crap about her on fb which I asked him to remove, which he did. We have since discovered he has posted videos on you tube with him and another boy talking about how brilliant it would be if he could strap bombs to her back and blow her to fuck. He goes on in a similar vein for around 15 mins. He also talks about how they went to my place of work and ran in the door and yelled "wanker"

I know this all sounds very childish but the thing is, he has linked it to fb so everyone can see it. She is so upset and humiliated. She has had a very hard time at school with bullying which led to self harming and feeling so low she had considered suicide. She has a few sessions with the school therapist which seems to have helped.

I dont give a toss about them coming to my work (I wasn't in that day) but it annoys me that they have mentioned several times who I work for and where it is.

I really do not know what to do? Do I talk to his parents? The school? Or the Police? Im not sure if I am over reacting and this is just stupid wee boys mouthing off. But this is my beautiful clever sensitive daughter he is talking about. And she doesn't deserve any of this. She cried herself to sleep last night and I'm worried that she starts to hurt herself again.

So I suppose the AIBU is, can I say or do anything? My gut reaction is to speak to parents although they are very intimidating or the school.
DH wants to go to the police but I feel that they would think we would be wasting their time. Any advice would be welcomed.

Sorry this is so long btw, thanks if you made it this far.

This is awful but you are doing a fantastic job OP. Keep updating and posting. As someone who suffered something v similar my thoughts are with your poor DD. No one should have to go through this, no one.

Well done OP, hope the email has the effect it needs to have, and your DD can go to school in peace.

I remember your thread from the summer. Absolutely dreadful situation. Schools do not take harassment and sexual assault seriously enough.

I think I second the advice about getting a solicitor. And perhaps you could call Women's Aid - they might have experience of this kind of situation.

Have you spoken to Kidscape? I found them very useful in relation to what schools are meant to do. Good luck I am glad you are fighting on her behalf.

Best of luck to you and your DD OP. Awful situation but I'm glad she has you on her side plus advice from this thread.

Gosh, just read the thread and am that they can keep them in the same class! No way should DD have to move! Good luck and it sounds like you are doing a brilliant job.

Ivana that is a good idea.

It's absolutely terrible that after he has been charged he is still in the same class and to suggest she moves!!!

I would say though that unless you press charges on the assault the school can't take an accusation into account they would be on very dodgy legal ground. Innocent until proven guilty. Totally understand why you do t want to put her through it though.

Hairy, you are giving your daughter the best possible education by following this through, standing tall to these people and insisting. It seems to me that the police got it very right and school is getting it very wrong . This boy has gotten over his fright of the police visit, has beguiled his parents and the school is being outrageous. It also seems to me that it is way beyond being a bully. A glance from him is not a glance but is intimidation. They need to be watching him like a hawk for the entire time he is on the school grounds especially if laid hands on her. I would be terrified if I were your daughter and I am sure you are.
Keep going, get everyone involved, let everyone know and INSIST that the school inform his parents. A chap like that, in a pique of rage could do something dreadful. Good luck dear lady. And good luck to your dd. i have three of them and am devasted for you.

Hello, thanks again for all your support and advice. I am reading it all and make copious notes

It has taken me hours to do that bloody email. I uploaded the video to my YouTube account the one I had to set up to deal with bastard TalkTalk and emailed links to the legal dept of the education authority. It can only make my case stronger I hope.

I really hope that the HT's chat to the parents has some effect and they just move him. Failing that, the legal dept see sense. I am prepared to do whatever it takes to keep her safe.

Time for I think. I'm tired of fighting everyone.

Hairy, I don't mean to worry you, but have you made sure the youtube video you've uploaded is set to private? This means it only shows up to the people you've specifically invited to view it; otherwise you could inadvertantly give this far more exposure (especially as, if it's not private, anyone who's seen your TalkTalk one could look at your other videos and see it) than I'm sure either you or your DD want, or they might even say 'well clearly it wasn't that upsetting to your DD, or you'd never have uploaded the video somewhere public again'. And that would be awful and counterproductive :(

I think the school owes a full explanation for the fact this boy was not excluded in light of the seriousness with which the police took the matter.

If you hire a solicitor (I think you should) then I think you need to look into Non-Molestation/Protection orders and let the school put that in their pipe and smoke it.

Hairy -- sorry if this is a dim question, but did your DD ever give a statement about the sexual aspect of this to the police? I know this might be very difficult for her but I think it would be extremely important to do so - maybe with the help of the counsellor she is seeing.

I imagine the school having a word with the parents will be like water off a duck's back -- at this point the school has effectively lost control and the parents and boy are dictating how things go. When the school didn't exclude the boy that is when they ceded power to the entitled twat.

I'm almost certain that it can't be viewed unless you have the link. If anyone remembers my epic TalkTalk saga, the link to that is on it. If anyone can be arsed, would you have a look see and make sure that's the only video available.

The police took a statement about the assault so it has all been recorded. I also contacted womans aid and in turn, social work got in touch.

I think the parents must know he has anger issues. I really think if they were told of the assault they wouldn't believe it. In there eyes we would be persecuting their little prince.

You are right, I just went to look and it's not viewable :) Sorry if I worried you, but not everyone knows about that setting and I just worry....

Thanks for checking for me, you are a .

That was one of the reasons it took me so long to link it to the email, I had set it to private by mistake so nobody could watch the stupid thing

You are doing everything right, Hairy. It is outrageous that you are still having to fight for the school to take this seriously after the police have actually charged him. It makes no odds whether it ultimately goes to court - the police will have taken charging advice from a prosecutor (I assume that is the same in Scotland) and they therefore believe there is sufficient evidence that a crime has been committed to justify bringing charges.

I think, unfortunately, you are right not to push forward with sexual assault charges through the criminal system. It doesn't sound like there is any evidence other than your daughter's word, and this may be weakened by her, quite understandably, only raising it after the other issues arose. Given that juries tend to be cautious about convicting adult defendants in he-said/she-said situations, I think the chances of a child being convicted, even if it went to court, would be very, very slim indeed. The you-tube stuff would almost certainly be inadmissable in relation to the sexual assault.

You would then be left with a situation where he has been "officially" exonerated and she has been through the trauma of not being believed in court. The school would then have his acquittal to fall back on.

You are actually in quite a strong position at the moment. The authorities have taken the harassment seriously, and there is an allegation of sexual assault on record. The school are on very shaky ground indeed. I think you need to record everything meticulously and keep all communications with the HT formal and in writing. And keep referring to their duties re: safeguarding. Remind them (subtly) what will happen if they don't take appropriate action and your daughter suffers harm. Ask questions so that they have to keep responding. Ask difficult questions about the purpose and intent of their safeguarding/bullying policies. Ask things like "Can you give examples of a situation where it would be considered inappropriate for two children to be in the same class, since formal police charges, provable harassment and a sexual assault allegation do not appear to meet the threshold?" and "Can you set out the procedure for deciding if a situation meets this threshold".

Make a formal, polite nuisance of yourself. Make the very good point by a previous poster that no-one would expect an adult woman to share an office with someone accused of assaulting her. Ask them why a child requires less protection.

Don't let them minimise his behaviour. If they say they can't do anything about a glare, point out that a glare from someone who has been harassing and assaulting someone else is in no way comparable to the usual dirty looks traded between young teenagers who have fallen out. Point out that he shouldn't be in a position to glare at her at all.

Good luck. You are definitely, definitely doing the right thing, and your daughter sounds very mature and brave.

Brilliant post from kungfupanda.

op - please, please take my point below as nothing against you and your DD in any way other than just to point out an issue that the school may have as I fully support both of you in your actions and applaud your family's actions in this situation.

The sexual assault is an allegation which has not been made to the police and therefore the boy has not been accused to which he can answer the charges. Therefore can the school actually take this into account formally to the point of excluding him from learning a subject he has already spent 2 years studying?

The school will have to (unfortunately for your DD) also have to consider the boys rights and as this has never been formally entered onto the record where the boy and his parents can answer these allegations wouldn't they be acting illegally if they were to stop him being in these lessons?

Again, please just take my point as a suggestion as to the school's position and not in anyway against you and your DD

That is so shameful of the boys!!

I know sometimes teenagers find it embarassing there parents telling tales so to speak but in this circumstance I would step in. Even for 13 year old thats malice and inappropriate.

I would contact the police and the school. The police especially because first of all they would ask for the video to be removed, hopefully the parents will be mortified and kick their son up the butt and hopefully it might deter the boy doing anything else silly!!

Thanks so much for that Panda, some excellent advice. You have hit the nail on the head re assault charges. I believe her with all my heart, I know what he did her, however, other people may look at the timing and not. I will definitely be asking the difficult questions you mention as the next step if this email doesnt get me anywhere.

Here is a copy of the email I sent to the Legal dept for education authority;

As requested here are the details of my complaint. I would be grateful if you can forward it to your Legal department.

On 17th June, we became aware of a YouTube video concerning my daughter. This was made by a boy she went out with from Dec 2011 and May 2012. A link had been posted via facebook for maximum exposure. Here are links to the video. I have no doubt you will find them disturbing.

We reported this to the police as well as We received a visit from the police on 18th June around 9.15pm. They viewed the video and took statements. They called us a short time later to inform us that they were taking it very seriously and were charging both boys.

Boy A and Boy B were both charged under the Malicious Telecommunications Act 2009.

A few days after this incident, my daughter XXX broke down in tears and told me that while they were going out, he sexually assaulted her on several occasions. This was to the point that she had to fight him off. She was too scared to finish with him or indeed tell anyone. The police were informed of this development and called round on 23rd June to take a statement. We were asked if we wanted to press charges, however we have decided not to as we think she has been through enough.

She is currently undergoing counselling for self-harming and suicidal thoughts. She is also having trouble sleeping.

My daughter shares a class with this boy for three, one hour periods a week. She is greatly distressed at having to share a classroom with him. He had previously indicated that he would be changing to , but has since gone back on this. I am in no doubt that the only reason for continuing is to intimidate her. He makes her feel very uncomfortable in class as he stares at her a lot. He is also heard discussing her in other classes.

You have a duty of care to my daughter. It is wholly unacceptable that she has to share a classroom with someone who has been charged with crimes against her and who has sexually assaulted her. This is putting her under incredible strain.

The following agencies have all been informed and will be able to provide supporting evidence if required.

Police - Social Work
Woman's Aid
Medical Centre
School

The only acceptable solution is that Boy A be moved from her class, if not

I await your response.

Does that sound ok?

That is more than OK, HairyPotter. It is clear, factual, and well argued. I've not posted on this thread before, have just read through from the beginning, and am absolutely furious on your and your daughter's behalf. I'm so sorry for everything she's going through and I'm also pretty humbled by the wonderful job you are doing of fighting her corner.

I hope this boy gets moved, and soon. I can't understand why the school are being so useless and you're having to push this so much but well done for not giving up.