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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DD's ex boyfriend making youtube videos about her

283 replies

HairyPotter · 18/06/2012 09:31

Looking for advice as I really don't know what to do about this.

DD1 is 13, she was going out with him for 6 months. He was very possesive, controlling and played mind games with her all the time. He dumped her via text about 2 months ago.

He posted some crap about her on fb which I asked him to remove, which he did. We have since discovered he has posted videos on you tube with him and another boy talking about how brilliant it would be if he could strap bombs to her back and blow her to fuck. He goes on in a similar vein for around 15 mins. He also talks about how they went to my place of work and ran in the door and yelled "wanker" Hmm

I know this all sounds very childish but the thing is, he has linked it to fb so everyone can see it. She is so upset and humiliated. She has had a very hard time at school with bullying which led to self harming and feeling so low she had considered suicide. Sad She has a few sessions with the school therapist which seems to have helped.

I dont give a toss about them coming to my work (I wasn't in that day) but it annoys me that they have mentioned several times who I work for and where it is.

I really do not know what to do? Do I talk to his parents? The school? Or the Police? Im not sure if I am over reacting and this is just stupid wee boys mouthing off. But this is my beautiful clever sensitive daughter he is talking about. And she doesn't deserve any of this. She cried herself to sleep last night and I'm worried that she starts to hurt herself again.

So I suppose the AIBU is, can I say or do anything? My gut reaction is to speak to parents although they are very intimidating or the school.
DH wants to go to the police but I feel that they would think we would be wasting their time. Any advice would be welcomed.

Sorry this is so long btw, thanks if you made it this far.

OP posts:
ChasedByBees · 18/06/2012 23:12

Good, he should be charged. As coco says, he is in the wrong and you can get through this. I can understand your DD being nervous though, will he be in school tomorrow if he's charged? I don't know what the next steps are. Could you get advice from the police about what will happen? The school need to take this very seriously now, but you know that already. Sending supportive thoughts your way!

Krumbum · 18/06/2012 23:13

Contact both YouTube and Facebook. They will take it down. Then his parents and the school. Go with your dh and daughter if she feels up to it to talk to the school and parents. They need to understand the damage this boy is causing.

HotDAMNlifeisgood · 18/06/2012 23:14

I am very impressed that the police is taking it seriously.

If it helps you feel less afraid for your DD tomorrow, I want to point out that the tendency for all bullies when they are called out on their behaviour by an authority greater than their own (the police) is to act nicey-nice in an attempt to convince everyone (including themselves) that they are wonderful people really, and their victim must be mad to be accusing them.

Nanny0gg · 18/06/2012 23:21

This is a genuine question, not an opinion.
What has it got to do with the school? This horrible situation has arisen following an out of school relationship and executed on the horrible boy's private computer. I could understand if the boy had used school computers or it had happened during school hours, but other than alerting the school to the fact that the girl might be upset, what responsibility is it of the schools?
They need to know. The boy won't keep it out of school! It's already on FB so their friends know all about it. It will effect how the children behave with each other. The bullying could carry on in school. The OP's DD's demeanor will definitely be affected and her teachers need to know so that they can support her. And don't think she'll be his only victim.

I was in school like a shot when a spiteful little cow deeply unpleasant individual gave one of my DC a good kicking at a youth club. Both they and the police had a very firm chat with her.

Sorry for what your daughter's going through, OP. I hopr the police come down on him like a ton of bricks. Have you reported to Youtube and FB?

redrosette · 18/06/2012 23:22

If he does anything to DD as a result of being spoken to by the police, then you should phone the police again. Each and every time he does something.

You should also ask the police for some kind of restraining order - preventing him from saying or doing anything (like posting things, speaking to your DD etc)

You should be more angry with the school - complain to the local authority education department, your MP, councillor etc - MAKE them treat it more seriously by shaming them.

Consider changing schools?

And as an aside, 13 is way WAY too young to have a boyfriend.

VivaLeBeaver · 18/06/2012 23:25

I'd have thought it has something to do with teh school as they have a duty to protect the OP's dd.

If he's done something serious enough to warrent being arrested and charged then the school need to think about do they need to suspend him to help protect her??????? Maybe. Dunno for sure.

Inertia · 18/06/2012 23:31

Hairy, in your shoes I think I would accompany your daughter to school tomorrow and insist on a meeting with the Head or a member of the SMT, so that you can explain exactly what has happened and establish how the school intend to keep her safe in school. Call the secretary first thing , so they know you are coming.

Glad to hear the police are taking it seriously - it is serious. This boy has brought everything on himself, so please don't ever feel pressured to drop charges - in fact it would seem that the police have taken matters out of your hands. This boy doesn't sound at all safe around girls, and professional intervention is needed here.

Hexenbiest · 18/06/2012 23:36

I was going to write what Inertia put.

Though perhaps both you and DH could go and insist you are not leaving your DD in their care till things are sorted to your DD satisfaction.

Sallyingforth · 18/06/2012 23:44

OP well done for going to the police. Hopefully this bully will be sufficiently frightened to leave your DD and others alone.

mummytime · 18/06/2012 23:44

I agree with Inertia. At my DCs school if he was not temporarily excluded he would be put in isolation.
One boy was put in isolation because after an incident nothing like as bad as this to my daughter, he was given a detention. When he started on her for getting him in trouble he was carted straight off to isolation. Any bullying needs to be clamped down on hard and strong.

redwhiteandblueeyedsusan · 18/06/2012 23:47

I wowuld go to the head in the morning too and ask how they are going to protect your daughter in light of the serious nature of the incident, givent hat the police are charging him. ddo not let them fob you off.

good luck.

Ariel24 · 18/06/2012 23:47

How is your daughter feeling about it all Hairy? I really hope she is ok, I went through some really horrible times when I was her age at school and this reminds me of that a bit. I hope the school can really help support her.

HeadfirstForHalos · 18/06/2012 23:57

Well done, and good luck to you and your dd for tomorrow.

I hope they throw the book at him so to speak.

LoonyRationalist · 19/06/2012 00:02

Well done Hairy. I agree with Inertia and. Hezekiah, you need a firm undertaking from the school to keep your DD safe before you can leave her in their care. They nedled to be taking this a hell of a lot more seriously.

Earthymama · 19/06/2012 00:08

The police will probably put you in touch with counselling services locally who have expertise in dealing with young people.
if not and you have any Youth services left, there may a Youth Worker at school or a local drop-in.

Please contact them, youth workers are a truly undervalued resource. They have seen it all before and are totally committed to supporting young people, while challenging them if necessary.

Sending love and Blessings to you both. We have been in like circumstances in our family and the girl, now a young woman, is a shining example of a strong and brave woman.

essexmumma · 19/06/2012 00:14

OP well done for standing up to this vile boy. I really hope your DD is ok, the school should keep them separate or exclude him at least temporarily.

MrsRobertDuvallHasRosacea · 19/06/2012 09:50

Well done Hairy for taking action.
I talk to children in schools about cyber bullying and you know the ones who have done it by their faces.

I am sick of hearing from schools that year 5 and 6 are doing it.

CeliaFate · 19/06/2012 09:54

Cyber bullies are cowards that wouldn't dare do/say anything to your face. That means it's easier for kids who are on the cusp of bad behaviour to be tipped over into this type of bullying as they don't seem to think they're culpable.

RillaBlythe · 19/06/2012 10:01

How's it going for your DD this morning, Hairy?

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 19/06/2012 10:53

This is a shocking story, and my heart goes out to your dd and to you, Hairy. I have to agree with the poster who said that this boy should be suspended by the school - maybe he will be, now that the police have charged him? It is so good that you and the police are taking it seriously - and I am appalled at the school's rather blatant attempt to play this down.

UnimaginitiveDadThemedUsername · 19/06/2012 11:10

OP - do not back down. And don't be worried about what anyone else at the school may think. Taking this lad to court sends out the message for people to not fuck with you or your daughter.

In fact, you should capitalise on it. Do not act the victim of circumstance and tell people that the police decided to charge him despite your wishes - tell them that you made the police do it. And get your daughter to do some self-defence stuff to give her the confidence not to be fucked with.

EldritchCleavage · 19/06/2012 11:14

Hairy, I wondered if they would. At work two years ago I came into contact with someone with a severe mental illness who started threatening us. He said he was going to blow the place up with a truck bomb. Now, we all knew it was the illness talking, he didn't mean it and wasn't capable of carrying out the threat anyway.
However, the police took it very seriously. He was arrested, questioned and later sectioned. We were told that the thinking has now changed on these things and police tend towards cracking down on these kinds of threats, especially if made on the internet. They have learned that among the loonies, boasters, show-offs and kids there are some who actually go on to, if not carry out their threats, at least engage in real offending.
I think this boy is about to get a much-needed dose of reality (and I hope, some real-life help).
I hope your DD is ok.

storminabuttercup · 19/06/2012 11:19

Hairy, you have done the right thing. He should be charged, he has committed a crime. I very much doubt there will be any backlash for your DD, and if there is you go back to the police. This Behaviour shouldnt be tolerated.

Hope DD is ok. Smile

FriedSprout · 19/06/2012 11:45

So pleased that the police are taking this seriously. Hope the school manage to get some support measures in place for your dd now. You did the only thing possible in the circumstances.

newmum001 · 19/06/2012 11:50

Call the police immediately! This isn't just teasing or bullying it's threatening and to be honest i'd be bloody terrified! Also tell the school straight away and ask for him to be excluded until the police have dealt with it.