DD's ex boyfriend making youtube videos about her

[HairyPotter]

Looking for advice as I really don't know what to do about this.

DD1 is 13, she was going out with him for 6 months. He was very possesive, controlling and played mind games with her all the time. He dumped her via text about 2 months ago.

He posted some crap about her on fb which I asked him to remove, which he did. We have since discovered he has posted videos on you tube with him and another boy talking about how brilliant it would be if he could strap bombs to her back and blow her to fuck. He goes on in a similar vein for around 15 mins. He also talks about how they went to my place of work and ran in the door and yelled "wanker"

I know this all sounds very childish but the thing is, he has linked it to fb so everyone can see it. She is so upset and humiliated. She has had a very hard time at school with bullying which led to self harming and feeling so low she had considered suicide. She has a few sessions with the school therapist which seems to have helped.

I dont give a toss about them coming to my work (I wasn't in that day) but it annoys me that they have mentioned several times who I work for and where it is.

I really do not know what to do? Do I talk to his parents? The school? Or the Police? Im not sure if I am over reacting and this is just stupid wee boys mouthing off. But this is my beautiful clever sensitive daughter he is talking about. And she doesn't deserve any of this. She cried herself to sleep last night and I'm worried that she starts to hurt herself again.

So I suppose the AIBU is, can I say or do anything? My gut reaction is to speak to parents although they are very intimidating or the school.
DH wants to go to the police but I feel that they would think we would be wasting their time. Any advice would be welcomed.

Sorry this is so long btw, thanks if you made it this far.

I have recorded the full video on my iPhone and dd has it saved to hers.

Headteacher called when I was out and left a message saying that they have spoke to the boy and he has apologised and agreed to remove the offensive post. They also mentioned the possiblity that the police could have been involved had I not let the school deal with it

I've checked and the post has been deleted.

Thank you all again for all your advice and support. I will look at all the links as soon as possible. Sorry for not replying to everyone who has posted them but I really am grateful for posters taking time to help me and my wonderfully brave DD.

Well done hairy poor Dd...and you! what an upsetting thing.

You STILL need to involve the police. it's still OUT there and it's a documented example of abuse/hatecrime potentially. Just because he removed it, doesn't mean he's not guilty of posting it in the first place.

Follow through with this, let CPS tell you if it needs dropping or not.

Please please leave a message to let school know that the police ARE involved and that you only let them know as a courtesy (and as they were mentioned on the rantings). And that despite their 'dealing with it' - the police will also be dealing with it and talking to the boy involved; it is not enough for just the school to deal with it.

I think they are maybe hoping that by saying this they will stop you from going to the police and depending on the outcome of what happens there could potentially be bad publicity for them (or even if it is just that the police know there is someone like this at that school). or maybe they are worried by the parents finding out about this and find them intimidating too.

So please please let the police deal with the child (and parents) - he has to know that what he did wasn't a silly little rant for a couple of his friends, it's a lot more serious. And if his parents are intimidating then chances are the boy has learnt not only how to be intimidating but that it is perfectly ok to be so, and that it works really well as a method for getting what he wants from his friends and the people around him.

actions will speak loudly to your dd as well as words, so reporting it to the police will show her that it is a serious thing this boy has done and that you are prepared to stand up for her. hopefully this will help her to deal with it better, sounds like you are supporting her well and she was gaining in confidence, so hope this is only a temporary set back and she will soon be gaining more confidence.

might also be worth talking to the police and school jointly to see if the police will run a cyber bullying session at your dd's school too...

ceop.police.uk/

This is just too serious to think that making the boy say sorry has put an end to it.
The school has a bullying issue that must be resolved.

Horrendous for a 13 year old to go through

I would also buy her a copy of Lundy Bancroft, Why Does He Do That, prompto.

I agree that the school should know that the police are dealing with it too. A simply 'sorry' doesn't make it go away. Well, nothing will do that but something more than sorry has been be said/done. Schools do like to sweep under the carpet (some schools that is)

Hard to believe that this is a 13 year old you are talking about. I have a 5 yo dd and when I think what could be in store 6 or 7 years down the line....
I'm shocked actually...13 year olds dating? That's just my own honest opinion, no judgement, I have yet to experience being a parent in pre-teen and teen years.

OP, do you think your dd might need some sort of informal counselling? This sort of experience could have far-reaching consequences for a young girl.
I do hope she is okay x

My first reaction was "What a little bastard!" and on that note, my opinion has still not changed.

For a start, the school is now trying to get you to drop it so the police don't get involved. Because they might get their name dragged in the dirt and heaven forbid that could happen. They tend to happen to forget that individuals have feelings too. Although the boy may have aplogised doesn't mean he didn't mean what he said. Maybe it will infuriate him more and make him angrier and say things to her in person? He needs to be dealt with directly. STILL talk to the police and tell them your worries. At the end of the day saying sorry is just a slap on the wrist.

Like zip said the chances are this boy has learnt his behaviour from his parents in which case you'll be pretty much talking to a brick wall. It doesn't make his behaviour right though he's old enough to know that not all adults behave in that way and neither should he if he expects to have any respect.

He may find it 'funny' to talk to his friends about these things and think of it as harmless fun to wind up and annoy his ex and her family, thinking a bit of vandalism and some rude talk is all just a game but things esculate and it can be a slippery slope. He sounds like the worst kind of kid that I remember very well from being in school. The one everyone laughed at the jokes of because he made them feel uncomfortable so they agreed with him. The one that picked on others. The possibly violent/abusive partner. Having had one pester me in school and now knowing how he turned out 8 years later, I know these things CAN turn out very seriously.

1. Still go the police.
2. Make sure your DD talks to the therapist about this. I don't mean 'make her' but encourage her to talk about it. The therapist will be able to offer her good advice on how to deal with such situations.
3. Let the school know that if needs be, you will take this all the way if they aren't willing to take this seriously. It's not just hurtful, it's potentially threatening. It's also aiming abuse at an individual, which is just morally unfair as well as legally unjust.

I seriously hope things work out. She shouldn't need to delete this because she hasn't mentioned any names nor indicated where the school is, so unless someone is really able to prove she's pinpointing a particular place then I seriously doubt she'll get in any trouble. Besides if she can get in trouble for this and he gets nothing, it tells you what society is like today, doesn't it?

:@ Rant over.

Good luck to you and your DD. I hope she continues to improve with her confidence. Keep strong yourself, too. :)

Hairy you MUST still go to the Police about this. This is the school just wanting the whole thing to go away. If there are no consequences what's to stop him doing it to her again? Or his mates thinking she's an easy target?

As another poster has said it's STILL out there as everything on the internet always is. He's a nasty little piece of work and needs to be punished adequately for what he's done. And I don't think you should allow yourself to be fobbed off by the head either!

OP - from your first post, I'd say the school hasn't really helped as much as it can regarding your daughter's bullying issue. So why should you let them off the hook now?

Go to the police.

Hi again Hairy. I agree with all of the subsequent posts in that the school should be doing more to support you and your daughter and am frankly absolutely disgusted with their response that the police could have been involved had you not mentioned it to them. Are they even aware that any threat to kill is a criminal offence?

It is by no means enough to just have a quiet word with the boy and hope that is it. Have they also contacted his parents to let them know about this incident and that the police will be involved by yourselves if not the school?

Why are they not suspending him to send the message loud and clear throughout the school that this is not acceptable behaviour to this boy and any other idiots complicit or condoning of this behaviour?

Please do continue this with the police and DEMAND that they follow up to make the boy & his parents know the gravity of what he has posted and that this is by no means acceptable behaviour.

Hopefully it is a case of an immature young boy being an idiotic keyboard warrior and not realising the extent of his actions. I don't want to scare you but please also look at the link I sent you earlier about a teenage boy that was constantly bragging at school about how he wanted to kill his teenage girlfriend and eventually did as a result of no-one picking up the warning signs.

If it were my DD, I would be worried about her safety given the school's lax response to you over this and would demand the boy be suspended until the police were satisfied that it was not a real threat.

police definitely. hope your dd gets all the support she deserves.

It's a police issue. It is bullying and should be taken seriously. After the police know, leave it two or three days and then tell school.

Wow he's a tosser. Please go to the police ASAP. Remember the story about the teen who planned to kill his ex girlfriend with his friend? They did I didn't they. Very extreme to include but this is why people shouldn't be scared to go to the police.

Good luck to you both xxx

Agree with everyone else - I'd still inform the police. The school havn't done enough and I would tell them that too. What a horrible little shite, who knows what mental damage he could inflict on other women as he grows up. He should be strung up by his balls.

And big hugs for your DD, big big hugs.

He'll wind up in jail as a terrorist threat if he keeps going on about these guns and blowing people up He needs some serious therapy by the sounds of it.

Hope you manage to resolve this.

Just being here if I'm needed. No new advice to tell you

The police came round earlier this evening and were really lovely. They watched all the video and took a statement.

They phoned back an hour ago to say they are going round to his house tonight to charge him.

I feel sick. They asked if I wanted to press charges and I said not at the moment, a severe warning would be the first step. They went back to the station and after watching it more closely have decided that it is serious enough to charge him.

My poor DD is in bits. I'm dreading any backlash from him. So scared for her.
I will phone school tomorrow as she is in a class with him early on. I'm not even sure they watched the video tbh

Be strong for your DD you can both get through this.

HE is in the wrong. Just remember that.

Hairy, I really feel for you and your DD. I was bullied for 5 years solid, one incident ended with the police being involved, and the school denied they had a bullying problem, so I know how tough it can be when school won't help.

Out of curiosity, what are they going to charge him with?

Oh your poor dd :(

If they have decided they need to charge him though, it must be serious. And this could be exactly the kick up the arse he needs to not become an irredeemable arsehole. You could be doing him a favour by scaring the shit out of him (and his parents). Actions have consequences and stuff posted online can follow people around for years.

You did the right thing, you protected your dd, well done.

Won't the school suspend him for this? Glad you went to the police. I hope they really scare him over what he's done. One step out of line from him concerning your DD, even a funny look, she must have someone at the school she can go to. You must speak to the school in the morning about her protection and what measures they will put in place to ensure this. Can you get the police to speak to the head about the seriousness of this? Easy for me to say be strong but you will get through this. If he does anything else, it's back to the police and each time they'll come down harder on him. He sounds a psycho.

Not sure what he has been charged with, it was dh who answered the phone and they didn't say. I'm shocked that they would go to his house this late at night.

It's clearly a sign of how seriously that are taking this.

It's good it's this late at night. It'll really shock them. I know I'd be beyond livid with my DS if he ever did anything like this. It's good his parents will know. I hope they come down on him like a ton of bricks.