DD's ex boyfriend making youtube videos about her

[HairyPotter]

Looking for advice as I really don't know what to do about this.

DD1 is 13, she was going out with him for 6 months. He was very possesive, controlling and played mind games with her all the time. He dumped her via text about 2 months ago.

He posted some crap about her on fb which I asked him to remove, which he did. We have since discovered he has posted videos on you tube with him and another boy talking about how brilliant it would be if he could strap bombs to her back and blow her to fuck. He goes on in a similar vein for around 15 mins. He also talks about how they went to my place of work and ran in the door and yelled "wanker"

I know this all sounds very childish but the thing is, he has linked it to fb so everyone can see it. She is so upset and humiliated. She has had a very hard time at school with bullying which led to self harming and feeling so low she had considered suicide. She has a few sessions with the school therapist which seems to have helped.

I dont give a toss about them coming to my work (I wasn't in that day) but it annoys me that they have mentioned several times who I work for and where it is.

I really do not know what to do? Do I talk to his parents? The school? Or the Police? Im not sure if I am over reacting and this is just stupid wee boys mouthing off. But this is my beautiful clever sensitive daughter he is talking about. And she doesn't deserve any of this. She cried herself to sleep last night and I'm worried that she starts to hurt herself again.

So I suppose the AIBU is, can I say or do anything? My gut reaction is to speak to parents although they are very intimidating or the school.
DH wants to go to the police but I feel that they would think we would be wasting their time. Any advice would be welcomed.

Sorry this is so long btw, thanks if you made it this far.

Just realised i've been a bit hasty in my reply and that you have called the police. I hope you're dd is ok. Horrible little shits!

I know you're worrying about how we will retaliate on your DD, but tbh, he'll probably be too scared if the police have charged him. What a little shit.

Good luck to you both.

Well done for calling police.

Don't feel bad for him being charged, sounds quite warped I hope this gives him a shock. Incitement is wrong.

I hope your dd is well, she must have been brave at school.

Hope you're OK. :( x

Hello, the police called us late last night to say they had been unable to locate him or his parents when they called round. They will go and see him today. They also told me to let the school know what was happening and to say that the police were taking thing further.

I went to the school first thing and insisted on speaking to the headteacher. He said that they had been unable to find the video but had told the boy his behaviour was unacceptable and they highlighted the fact that the police could still get involved. They said he was white faced and apologised. I showed the HT the video and he was appalled. Agreeed that involving the police was the only thing to do. He will call the parents into school and also talk to the local authority to decide next steps. He has said that expulsion is certainly one option. I have asked if my DD can see the therapist this week to talk through how she is feeling. She was very quiet this morning and wanted to know what would happen to him.

After I left school, I got a txt telling me that he posted another video last night complaining about having to remove the other ones. When I watched it, he was very careful not to mention any names but he said he knew who had grassed him up. I called the school back as I knew HT was interviewing the boy and told them. I said it would be an idea to make him show HT it there and then. I didnt like the chances of them finding it unaided tbh.

So, right now Im waiting to see what happens, the domestic abuse team called me to see if they could offer anything in the way of counselling. They have also put an alert on my address should things escalate after the parents are informed, any calls would be treated as a priority.

I didnt sleep much, I asked DH to put duct tape over my letterbox just in case I'm trying to play thing down a little for DD so I dont scare her but I also need her to be aware of her safety.

Thank you all again for all the support and good wishes, It really was a great comfort in the wee small hours of last night. xx

Well done Hairy! His parents also have to take responsibility over what their son is doing. Chances are that they had no idea and are horrified at what he's been up to. The police will also severely caution him over videos talking about violence, guns and bombs. If he was any older they may well have nicked him for that as they are cracking down hard on that kind of thing now.

It doesn't sound as though the boy has learnt his lesson though if he's posted another video so you do need to ensure that appropriate action is taken.

I'm sure your dd is frightened of repercussions and the school need to reassure her that nothing of the kind will happen. I hope he is expelled because whilst he is there, your dd will be under a constant cloud. If he isn't and that were my dd, I would consider moving school. He sounds bloody nasty.

Best of luck.

Hairy how frightening all this is for you and dd.
You have done the right thing, the proper agencies now appear to have got their arses into gear.
Record the video on your phone again and go back to the school.
The boy's obviously an idiot and sounds like he's just saying the right things - saying he knows who grassed him up is a veiled threat imo and should be reported to the police.
Basically make a massive fuss until everyone is on board and gets the boy excluded. Your dd doesn't want to face him every day I'm sure.
You're handling this really well. In my first post I was judgemental and was harsh towards you, for which I apologise.

I'm so glad that they're all taking this really seriously.

This boy is either very immature or very arrogant to think he can post another video saying he's been "grassed up". Who the hell does he think he is - some kind of underworld gangster? Celia is right : he's making a veiled threat and this now needs to be dealt with. He's digging himself a bigger hole. Idiotic behaviour and he'll be getting a nasty surprise when the police talk to him.

OP you mentioned his parents are intimidating - do you think they will take this seriously or downplay it?

I logged on because I was thinking about your DD today. I know she might be wondering whether she should have said anything and is worried about school but you have all done the right thing. The police don't waste their time on 13 yo unnecessarily and a message must go out to the school this is completely unacceptable not to mention illegal!

I hope you have no repercussions or accusations of grassing - (ffs) and other parents at school come forward and support you. Easy for me to say but try not be intimidated - you've done the right thing for your DD and, actually, for this boy though I know that's not the intention

sorry to hear that your poor dd has to face this, so stressful for you all.

its really good to hear that the police have taken it seriously

I would love to be a fly on the wall when the stupid cocky little shit finds out the police are involved and taking it seriously, shame on the school for not taking it as seriously as they should have done in the first place

OP - make sure you copy the 'grass' video and give that to the police as well.

If the police are taking this seriously it is because it is serious matter and you've made the right decision by taking the only appropriate action in response to threats against your dd's life.

I trust that the impetus of the police response of last night has carried through to today and that they did a dawn raid apprehended the culprit early this morning although, of course, it may be that a decision was made to wait until he was at school before the police hauled his ass down the station picked him up.

The fact that he posted a further video which, from what you've said, should also be of interest to the police within hours of the school having appraised him of their knowledge of his dysfunctional behaviour would suggest that whatever words were said to him yesterday fell on deaf ears, and it wouldn't surprise me in the least if 'white faced apologies' are something of a stock in trade that's got him off the hook of the law in respect of previous misdemeanors.

If it is thought that his fellow conspirator has fallen under the malevolent influence of this particular emotionally disturbed young person it may be appropriate for him to be cautioned in respect of this offence but, to my mind, the instigator at least should be charged with the relevant offence(s) and remanded, in custody or to the care of a responsible adult or the local authority, to appear in the Juvenile Courts at a future date.

Regardless of what police action may ensue, again to my mind, anything less than this pupil being expelled from your dd's school would be a less than desirable, satisfactory, or appropriate outcome.

My heart goes out to your dd; an adult will struggle to process such an extremely serious threat of harm to their person and I trust that the school will ensure that a therapist is available to your dd on a regular, if not daily, basis to help her through this particularly distressing time in her very young life.

Please avail yourself of any help that is offered to make your home secure and to exercise all due precaution in respect of your family's daily journeys to and from school/work.

It may be tempting to believe that this is 'just stupid wee boys mouthing off', but unless or until these particular wee boys have been assessed by a forensic child psychiatrist it would be premature to conclude that these individuals present no threat to your dd and/or to your family's wellbeing.

.

I hope your DD has had a good day in school.

Take care x

sending big hugs, im so glad you went to the police,
i really hope you keep us posted, xxx

Hairy, so sorry to read this. Hope all has gone well today and that the little shit has realised just how serious this is. (it's cream t from WWF btw) X

wow, please let us know how things go. I can't believe he's still posting things - have the police seen him yet? and I hope he gets charged - that should scare him and his parents too. You are doing all the right things now and I am glad the school are taking it seriously too (but he should be excluded!)

Came back to see how things went today and to say to make sure the police and school have a course of action to make sure they have found all the videos this boy (or his pals) has uploaded and what to do if he uploads any more.

Horrified (but unfortunately not surprised) that he has put a video up so quickly.

Can the police get youtube, Facebook etc to ban him from their sites? I know that he will probably just make up another name but if he does anything again it will be another avenue where they can punish him for flouting his ban. It might be another thing to hit him and make him realise how serious this is if these big sites are prepared to ban him from using them. Or if he can be prevented from using the Internet - even if for a year or few - he will start to realise the bigger consequences of his actions and how the ripples of his actions will have knock on effects on his future education and job prospects.

Definitely time for school to be organising some serious sessions about cyber bullying and how to go about combatting/dealing with/reporting it too...

Hi Hairy. As the other posts have stated, you have absolutely done the right thing with your actions and the fact that this boy is idiotic enough to post further videos shows him for the warped individual he really is.

Do not doubt your actions in any way or feel any remorse for this boy. He has brought this situation on himself and the fact that he is unrepentant in his actions and is continuing with posting videos is sending very loud alarm bells ringing about the type of person he is at such a young age.

The police will have seen enough cases of incidents like this and the fact that you didn't originally want to press charges but they did shows the gravity of the situation. The police will be able to tell the difference between empty/misguided threats from a child and a real cause for concern and the fact that they have acted quickly to want to press charges and arrest this boy shows that they are very much of the latter view.

I again would agree with the other posters who have stated that this boy should be expelled at the very least on the basis of the threat in the first video and then the arrogance to have posted a second with the veiled threat thta he knows who grassed him up. This should be enough for the Head/Local Authority to take immediate action for your daughter as well as the safety of others. Do not be put off by the Head at all on this (as frankly their first response to you was just appalling) and seek the support of the police to get this boy removed from school immediately.

Perhaps the police can also advise you on putting a restraining order/injunction on this boy and his parents until the case can go before a juvenile court?

I hope your daughter is not too traumatised by this event and knows that this boy's actions are far from normal. Please make sure she takes up the offer of any counselling offered as something like this is bound to have a major effect on her confidence and ability to trust others going forward.

We're all behind you and your family and hope that the police resolve this matter quickly for you

Came back to see how everything has been going. I am so glad the police are taking the incident seriously and are hopefully going to charge him. If he is a wee shit like this, if he ever tries to get a job with vulnerable people he will get an Advanced CRB and that will show it up. It's his fault he is behaving the way he is and his parents should be held accountable as well. Weird none of them could be found that night though. Perhaps they KNEW something like this would be happening.

At any rate I hope your DD is feeling better and gets to see the counsellor as soon as possible to discuss how this has made her feel. Don't back down and don't feel bad for getting this boy into 'trouble' he shouldn't have done it and none of this would've happened.

I am also very glad that the headmaster now is playing ball with this - it really helps when the school is on board.

Good luck & keep us updated. :)

My school accepted a "managed move" from out of area after a similar incident of stalking and threats on FB and YT, except he was yr 12 and the girl was yr 8. Hope the school update you promptly about the outcome of today's meeting with the perpetrator.

I don't have anything useful to add, just wanted to say I hope this boy has been scared shitless by police coming around and hope he is excluded/expelled from school so your poor DD doesnt have to see him anymore.

Haven't heard anything from police yet. I did speak to then earlier this afternoon when I told them about the second video. They told me that as well as going to the exbf's to charge him, they would go to school to get 2nd boys details and would be paying a visit to them.

I'm not sure if they have been able to get anyone at home again and that's why they haven't contacted me. I will call school again in the morning for an update and leave message for the police to call me as well.

The HT spoke to dd and stressed that if she felt threatened in any way or if he said or did anything she had to go straight to one of the senior members of staff. He is arranging counselling for her this week. I have spoke to her and she thinks that would be a good idea. I think she finds it easier to open up to a stranger

I know I keep saying this, but thank you all again. I really am grateful. I'm sorry not to reply to individual posters but I am reading everything, and taking all comments on board

Thinking of you hairy and sending you best of luck wishes. Sounds like you are doing a great job in difficult and distressing circumstances.

Well done hairy, nasty a lot for you to cope with n get thru as family stay strong, you sound like good people. Who have done the right thing x

Hairy, I hope things have calmed down for you all. How is your daughter coping? Thinking of you all.