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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DD's ex boyfriend making youtube videos about her

283 replies

HairyPotter · 18/06/2012 09:31

Looking for advice as I really don't know what to do about this.

DD1 is 13, she was going out with him for 6 months. He was very possesive, controlling and played mind games with her all the time. He dumped her via text about 2 months ago.

He posted some crap about her on fb which I asked him to remove, which he did. We have since discovered he has posted videos on you tube with him and another boy talking about how brilliant it would be if he could strap bombs to her back and blow her to fuck. He goes on in a similar vein for around 15 mins. He also talks about how they went to my place of work and ran in the door and yelled "wanker" Hmm

I know this all sounds very childish but the thing is, he has linked it to fb so everyone can see it. She is so upset and humiliated. She has had a very hard time at school with bullying which led to self harming and feeling so low she had considered suicide. Sad She has a few sessions with the school therapist which seems to have helped.

I dont give a toss about them coming to my work (I wasn't in that day) but it annoys me that they have mentioned several times who I work for and where it is.

I really do not know what to do? Do I talk to his parents? The school? Or the Police? Im not sure if I am over reacting and this is just stupid wee boys mouthing off. But this is my beautiful clever sensitive daughter he is talking about. And she doesn't deserve any of this. She cried herself to sleep last night and I'm worried that she starts to hurt herself again.

So I suppose the AIBU is, can I say or do anything? My gut reaction is to speak to parents although they are very intimidating or the school.
DH wants to go to the police but I feel that they would think we would be wasting their time. Any advice would be welcomed.

Sorry this is so long btw, thanks if you made it this far.

OP posts:
Original poster
HairyPotter · 18/06/2012 13:31

He has a you tube channel that is mostly him talking to camera about guns, bombs and people that piss him off.

He hasn't threatened to hurt her, but said how funny it would be if he could do it. Angry

I worry that this is the man you will see on the news in 10 years time with everyone saying 'but he seemed so nice'

OP posts:
TheRhubarb · 18/06/2012 13:33

Hairy, I'm only suggesting this because you say that you didn't know how bad she was feeling or what mind games he was playing with her. Clearly she does have a problem in opening up to people (does she confide in anyone else? A best friend?) and you need to get past that. So perhaps pencil in a date every month for you and her to do something together. That could be shopping, the cinema, lunch, a beauty treatment together, a walk in the park, a day out, anything.

And every day, put aside 10 minutes to just ask her about her day and chat to her about friends, school, activities etc.

You may already be doing that but with so many of us working and juggling lots of other tasks as well as motherhood it can be easy to go for days at a time merely making small talk rather than spending quality time together.

And please do find out about lunchtime activities and after school clubs.

wotgoesaround · 18/06/2012 13:37

Thanks, Dowager and others who replied.
I get it now.

wotgoesaround · 18/06/2012 13:41

Hi Hairy,
I hope you didn't think I was criticizing your actions in any way, I just didn't see the connection.
So sorry you and your daughter are having to deal with this. My best wishes.

Original poster
HairyPotter · 18/06/2012 13:43

I ask her about her day every day, she usually says 'fine' and sometimes I know it's not been fine but no amount of probing will get her to open up. She is doing better now, her sessions with therapist have helped her self esteem and as I said, the bully isn't bothering her anymore. She playing in the school junior band and loves that and has lots of friends to hang around with. She was doing really well until we discovered the video last night.

OP posts:
Original poster
HairyPotter · 18/06/2012 13:45

wotgoes no I didn't think that at all. Smile

OP posts:
fallingandlaughing · 18/06/2012 13:46

Sorry you are having to go through this. Don't know if you should consider pulling this thread and restarting under a new name with less identifying info. It would be terrible for your DD if a school"friend" saw this via their DM and found out about what has been going on in her life.

gothicangel · 18/06/2012 13:49

i never normaly post on here, just read lurkes in the shadows

But OP i had to post, i really feel for your daughter, i would ring 101 and explain to them and they will send someone out to see you, she must be so scared. him posting these vids on youtube make me feel very nervous for your DD.

what has the school said about it all?

i really hope your dd is ok and everything gets sorted

(sending big hugs for you all) x

boredandrestless · 18/06/2012 13:55

I was just about to suggest calling 101. Even if the local police station building is unmanned it will at least then be in the system and winging it's way to a local bobby to deal with. Have you taken screen shots or copies of the videos on youtube incase he deletes them before police see them?

I would want the the school and the police to be able to see them for themselves whether he takes them down or not.

Your poor DD, hope she can put all this behind her soon.

badtasteflump · 18/06/2012 13:57

I would second calling 101. I think what you've discovered warrants being dealt with (or at least logged) now rather than waiting for the local station to open - it would also show how seriously you are taking all this.

WorriedWart · 18/06/2012 14:03

I would see the video as a threat to hurt your DD and if he is saying that it would be brilliant to strap bombs to her & blow her up then I would see that a threat to her life. If I was in your situation, that's what I would be saying to the police & to the school & I would expect him to be taken out of school immediately for your DD's protection, until the police have dealt with the situation properly. You say he has also been threatening to blow up school property so the school have that to take into account.

I am not trying to frighten you more & I hope he is a harmless little idiot - but you can't assume that. If I was you, and still unable to contact the local police, I would phone 999 and say that a boy has been making threats against my daughter's life and that I have video evidence of the threats he has made. I would also keep my daughter with me at all times until I knew she being properly protected at school. Maybe others would see that as a massive over-reaction but I would just want to keep my child safe.

hippoCritt · 18/06/2012 14:05

Could you ring 101 for police advice, I found them very helpful

WorriedWart · 18/06/2012 14:05

Sorry, I didn't see the posts about 101 - that does sound like the best option, I forgot you do that now.

JosephineCD · 18/06/2012 14:09

How old is he?

mummytime · 18/06/2012 14:28

Even if nothing hadhpenedin school the school should be informed and act, especially as it is "cyber bullying" which most schools and young people are pretty clued up on.

Do call 101. And I hope both the school and police act promptly.

Original poster
HairyPotter · 18/06/2012 14:34

He is 13 as well. I have called the 101 and som

OP posts:
Original poster
HairyPotter · 18/06/2012 14:40

Stupid phone!

They are sending someone round tonight to talk to me and DD, still waiting on school calling me back. Will give then until end of day and call them if I haven't heard anything.

Tbh, the 101 operator didnt seem too bothered initially. She just told me to report to facebook. I explained it was you tube and that I was furious that he could upload things like that about DD and she did take more notice the more I harped on. She was pretty sympathetic in the end though.

OP posts:
FriedSprout · 18/06/2012 15:07

Hairy have you copied YouTube pages? You need to do this before he removes it or it gets taken down. At least do a screenshot.
Hope everything works out ok

cocolepew · 18/06/2012 16:11

I apologise if my second post was a bit harsh. The last thing I want to do is upset you more. I'm sorry.

I have a 14 yo who suffers from anxiety but the difference is she tells me everything whether I need to know or not!

JamieandTheOlympicTorch · 18/06/2012 16:17

There is a website aimed at teens which educates and supports around relationship abuse, including emotional abuse. Will try and have a find and link it (they also advertise in places like Cinema toilets). Once you have started the ball rolling, it might be an idea to get her thinking about what is and isn't acceptable in a relationship and how to get help.

JamieandTheOlympicTorch · 18/06/2012 16:20

this is abuse

JamieandTheOlympicTorch · 18/06/2012 16:22

better link to This Is Abuse website

annh · 18/06/2012 16:39

Please let us know that you have downloaded these videos from Youtube. Otherwise, you can bet that between school/parents they will have been deleted by the time you get the police to view them. You will have no evidence then and will end up in a "he said/she said" situation

niceguy2 · 18/06/2012 16:42

You can go to a site like this and save the youtube video before he has chance to delete it:

SaveYouTube

Also, take a few printscreens to put it into context as evidence. Or better still get the police to come around and watch them before he is informed.

But I agree that this should be a police matter. This guy doesn't sound right in the head and the police should investigate.

MammaTJ · 18/06/2012 16:43

YANBU!! Contact the police and the school.