aibu to feel that this is worse than adultery?

[geosprout]

Dh and I have been having problems of late-major ones. I came home last night to overhear him talking to his mother about our problems in depth. A lot of it was untrue and painting me out to be the bad guy. Hey, I'm no innocent, but like all relationships it's six of one half dozen of the other IYSWIM.

I went ballistic: I took the phone off of him only to have her screaming down my earhole. I defended myself but I feel utterly and completely betrayed.
I don't think I'd feel worse if he had s**ed somebody else; I know, I know it's nuts and I probably am being unreasonable.

What makes it worse is that he only ever pays her 'duty visits' because he thinks he is going to get some money off her when she dies.

AIBU?

So if a man speaks to his mother in-depth about his marital problems then he "attached to his mother's tit" and "should have a pair of bollocks" about it. Instead, he is only allowed to speak to strangers. (Or your family, but definitely not his.)

But it is acceptable if a woman speaks about such issues with her mother without garnering accusations of being attached to her mothers' tits.

And the reason for the gross double-standards is because "it's different".

Wow. Just wow

geosprout, have you ever considered having counselling regarding your views about how relationships should work?

Ishoes not agreeing with someone and putting across your own opinion is not kicking someone when they're down.

With respect, I am surprised that you would compare your situation to the OP's. Sorry to hear what you went through - sounds utterly dreadful.

kat, yes, I know I shouldn't have grabbed the phone, but I was so angry to hear my dh tell his mother that I was -in his words- 'frigid', I just began to see red. I shouldn't have grabbed the phone. You are right about that.

I can totally understand that you might feel embarrassed that he discussed intimate details with her. I'd find the a bit squirmy to be honest but I think your reaction is completely OTT. I don't see why any adult has to have just one person to share personal things with.

Right. So if your dh/dp tells his mum you are frigid, that's just fine and dandy. OK.

If my dh referred to me as "frigid" to my mil-he would be back living with her pronto!!

did he actually say those words, or are you twisting what he actually was saying..

I'm sorry if my tone has been a bit off. I'm just so upset about what he has done.

op I am sorry, I am having difficult in believing what you say. It seems that once it became clear that you aren't getting the sympathy you feel you are entitled to, you drip feed ever more lurid details into the post in order to swing things in your favour.

Ok, so you admit you overreacted now, but I think if I had heard my DH tell his mum I was frigid then I may have overreacted too. I think maybe you should have told the whole story to start with and not drip-fed. You may not have got quite such a pasting......

What Compos said.

Don't often post in this section as I am no expert, but at the risk of going against the general flow, and ignoring the OP's rather hyperbolic language (don't get to use that word often!)

OP I too would be really hurt and feel betrayed if my dh were to talk to his mother, or anyone about our relationship, rather than trying to air the problems at home. It may be that you are quite hotheaded and don't always listen - but you are his wife, and there have been many posters here who have, in the past, complained about their partners talking/seeking sympathy elsewhere rather than investing in the relationship.

I think that you were shocked at what you overheard, and hurt. I think that if you want to save this relationship then you should and could make the space for you and your husband to talk about this together.

I also get the impression, unlike others, that you like your MIL and value her good opinion, and that part of the anger you are showing here is that your h has put that in jeopardy. If you really get on with her, you will be able to sit down over a cuppa one day and put that straight. In the meantime, you need to think about whether your relationship with your h can be worked on calmly. There will be blame on both sides, of course, but you can explain to him that if he values your relationship then he will talk to you about his issues, not take them outside the home to get sympathy from elsewhere . . . .

No, he said, ' is frigid, mum'.

Obviously, the asterisks indicate my real life name.

Geosprout in all seriousness ask a few friends who know you and your DH and MIL as people and see if they think you're being reasonable.

I can understand your sense of betrayal if you feel it's a very personal thing but not your double standards. As long as she wasn't giving him advice on improving your sex life (burgh, sorry but YSWIM I hope) I don't think it's awful to say "... and we haven't had sex in a month because we're always arguing" if they are close.

Him having that sort of conversation with her contradicts what you say about him not being keen to visit her....

Next DH will be an orphan you sound lovely OP and frankly did he say "frigid" or are you making this up as you go along ?? This site canvasses opinions and you do not seem to like anyone to disagree with your opinion. Maybe that where the marriage going wrong ??

You can't keep changing the dialogue to suit yourself op. This constant drip feed is just making it look like you are trying your hardest to make this all about you! First he is saying you hate his mother, then that you are the reason you don't visit, then discussing your sex life, then that you are frigid.

If he is describing you as frigid to his MIL, he obviously has very little respect left for you, as you appear to have very little for him. I would suggest you both work on that and/or separate.

Exactly what ComposHat said, only I didn't say it as well as she did!

Thank you, LongTallSally, but I am afraid that this is the end for me. I do not believe what a squirmy, mother's boy I have married. And his blatant lies make me feel nauseous.

He can go live with her. I've nothing left to lose.

Nothing left to lose as regards the relationship.

Well op frigid is not calling you an f.ing c--- is it but hey if you feel that strongly about it leave and go and find someone else.

OP are you Italian or Spanish by any chance?

But what did he lie about?!

so he has gone from being someone who rarely speaks to or sees his mother, to a mummys boy in the space of a morning..

< goes to sit with Compo >

I feel a little sorry for him as you said he wants to work on the relationship but it doesn't sound like you two are suited TBH. Sleep on it before doing anything drastic though.

At no point have you explained WHY it is so awful that he talked to his mother.
It's not the fact he talked about you, you'd be ok if he talked to anyone else.
It's not that adults shouldn't talk to their parents, you're fine with a woman talking to her mother.
It seems to be purely the fact that she is his mother. Why is that such a problem?

to his MIL to YOUR MIL