Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To make 20yo DD and her boyfriend sleep in different rooms in my house?

373 replies

wishinonastar · 15/06/2012 23:32

DD (20) and her boyfriend (19) are at the same uni and have been together for 18 months. He lives at the opposite end of the country to us so whenever he visits during the holidays he stays for a least a few nights, and right from his first visit we put him in the spare room. Since I am sure that they are sleeping together at uni, am I being ridiculously old fashioned by not letting them share a room now they've been together for a substantial amount of time?

OP posts:
CocoPopsAddict · 16/06/2012 22:32

Well, it's your house, but I think I'd choose differently.

Himalaya · 16/06/2012 22:36

Has the OP gone?

47to31in7days · 16/06/2012 22:45

5madthings- it doesn't matter how long you had been together or how serious it was if you are not married.

and exotic- I don't care about "times moving on" as I said in my first response. I will not have people sleeping together under my roof when they are not married, period.

I have no problem with treating grown-up children as equals. I would let two 16 year olds share a bed if they had gone up to Gretna Green to tie the knot! :) I don't think 16 is too young for sex or that 19-20 should be treated like "kids". Purely that marriage matters. People who are saying "treat them like adults" are missing the point: it's not the age that I have a problem with whether to treat them as a married couple or not.

5madthings · 16/06/2012 23:01

oh thats just hilarious, you would happily let a 16yr old couple sleep together if they were married but not a couple that are in their 30's/40's/50's and in a long term commited relationship, NOT share a bed, simply because they arent married! do you know how ludicrous that is!

so do you ahve any friend in long term relationships that arent married, and when they visit you, you tell them they must sleep in a seperate bed? seriously i think quite a few people would end a friendship on that point alone.

you cannot respect the fact that some couples are commited and in a serious relationship and many actually CHOOSE NOT TO MARRY, and on that basis alone you wouldnt let them share a bed!

rockinhippy · 16/06/2012 23:06

Are they living together at UNI ?? - if so, then maybe a rethink is required, but I do agree with your house, your rules, so whatever you are comfortable with, they need to respect if they want to stay - hell my DPs had me an an ex in separate rooms when we'd lived together for 5 years - I never had an issue with it as I know how old fashioned they are

If they are not living together, then IMHO YNBU

47to31in7days · 16/06/2012 23:08

Almost everyone I know in a LTR is married. Perhaps that's because I generally know conservative, faithful people (Jews and Muslims as well as Christians) and not the sort of left-wing radicals who would baulk at the word "marriage" (not many who would even want to redefine it to man/man or woman/woman.)

47to31in7days · 16/06/2012 23:10

Those who are not- they understand and respect my views, and so would not end their friendship with me over my belief on this matter. Is that not a ludicrous and childish thing to do?

Krumbum · 16/06/2012 23:12

Oh nice. Bring in a little homophobia too. Just to spice things up. Ffs.

lattelov3r · 16/06/2012 23:13

yab ridiculously unreasonable they are ADULTS in a long term relationship would you and your partner expect to sleep in seperate rooms in you visited their house?

as for the marriage thing its really just a peice of paper and irrelevant to the op being married means nothing in terms of commitment to your partner

5madthings · 16/06/2012 23:22

well my parents are christians and attend church and have a very strong faith, but they also RESPECT the fact that dp and i have our own views, are not religious and see that it would be riddiculous and also insulting to not allow us to share a bed, ditto my mil.

so yes if i had a friend who wouldnt allow us to share a bed then it WOULD make me question our friendship, if they had such little respect for my dp and i as a couple and what our relationship means to us, just because we have chosen not to get married. if we ever DO get married it wont be in a church or with the traditional vows and my parents and mil would respect that that was our choice.

Krumbum · 16/06/2012 23:26

Your religious then 47? So what religion decided this moral code for you?

mumeeee · 16/06/2012 23:38

YANBU do what you are comfortable with. It would be the same in our house.

Latara · 16/06/2012 23:58

The obvious compromise would be for the young couple to stay in a cheap hotel room / B&B together, or together at a friend's home.
Yes, OP won't see them much, but that's what happens when you try to separate a couple of adults who are in love...

70isaLimitNotaTarget · 17/06/2012 00:05

I didn't share with my DH at my parents or my MILs until we were married.
It was never set in stone or said out loud, it was just done.

But what really pi**ed me off was MIL expected DH (when he was DF) to share a bed with his brother rather than share a room with me.
I wouldn't have done anything FFS. Hmm

exoticfruits · 17/06/2012 06:57

I would be horrified if my actions resulted in 16yr olds going off to Gretna Green so they could share a room! I wouldn't want the 20 year old to get married - much better to get to know the person first.
You seem to have a very rigid stance 47to31, if you are going to impose your views on everyone, so that you would have the situation where someone like 5madthings, you quite clearly are a couple of long standing with children, is made to have separate rooms. I'm not sure how you explain to their children that 'mummy and daddy can't have the same bed'.
I think that mine, quite rightly, wouldn't come home in that case. It seems very conditional. Respect works both ways. We have never had to discuss it, they just realise it would have to be someone that DH and I had a relationship with, and it works perfectly well, they are very unobtrusive.

Zara1984 · 17/06/2012 07:08

I agree that it's your house your rules ultimately but YABVU. Why is them sleeping in the same bed such a problem??? They are adults! You know they're having sex! They probably won't even bother having sex at your place because it'll be too weird - and if she doesn't find it weird your daughter has already had sex in your house, probably many times.

My parents did this to us and I thought it was pathetic. All it did was make me not want to stay at their place (and it worked).

I bet this makes your daughter and ger DP feel reeeeeal welcome OP.

Respect is earned, remember - especially when it comes to adult children. Why should your child respect you when you are not treating her like the adult she is.

You're the one that needs to grow up here TBH, she's an adult not 13. What are you worried about? That Mabel the fusty neighbour will hear about it and she'll drop you off her Christmas card list Hmm

LunaLunatic · 17/06/2012 07:25

YABU; I appreciate the "your house, your rules" concept, but they are adults and presumably having been together 18 months are hardly going to be like randy teens having at it on the hour every hour. I'd imagine they just like to sleep together (actually sleep!). Anyway, if they want to shag they'll find a way. As we all did :)

Zara1984 · 17/06/2012 07:25

In fact, upon further thought, I take make my previous statement that I agree it's "your house your rules". No. Show respect to your adult child (and her partner) or she will, quite deservedly, have less respect for you.

Your daughter will come to visit you less, mark my words. And when this makes you upset, those "morals" of yours and the two separate bedrooms in your house can comfort you.

flubba · 17/06/2012 08:00

Why the hell would the DD visit her less?! Seriously?

Greatauntirene · 17/06/2012 08:03

While at school DCs didn't share beds with partners in my house. AFter leaving home they did.

Himalaya · 17/06/2012 08:12

Flubba - seriously?

You can't see how being told you must sleep in a separate room from your partner when you visit someone's house might make you feel less welcome?

LaAmanda · 17/06/2012 08:16

Himalaya - it's a young girl and her boyfriend. She might have lots and lots of boyfriends before she meets the right one and it's all about respect. She is still the OPs daughter!

I'm 40+ and I still want to please my mother/respect her. What's wrong with that?

Some of you here are trying to be too liberal methinks.

RafflesWay · 17/06/2012 08:29

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

exoticfruits · 17/06/2012 08:32

Why the hell would the DD visit her less?! Seriously?

Because she comes home and she is being treated like a child still with the mother doing the controlling. She is an adult and the relationship should have changed.
The fact that so many people have problems with MIL is because MIL doesn't appreciate that the relationship should have moved on and away from adult and child.
We still haven't established at what age you see them as adults-would you let them share a room at 25,30........?
(this is different from 47to31 who thinks that marriage is the key at any age)

exoticfruits · 17/06/2012 08:34

She might have lots and lots of boyfriends before she meets the right one

He might also be her SIL and be sitting joking in 30yrs time that they had to have separate rooms.

Swipe left for the next trending thread