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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To make 20yo DD and her boyfriend sleep in different rooms in my house?

373 replies

wishinonastar · 15/06/2012 23:32

DD (20) and her boyfriend (19) are at the same uni and have been together for 18 months. He lives at the opposite end of the country to us so whenever he visits during the holidays he stays for a least a few nights, and right from his first visit we put him in the spare room. Since I am sure that they are sleeping together at uni, am I being ridiculously old fashioned by not letting them share a room now they've been together for a substantial amount of time?

OP posts:

QuickLookBusy · 16/06/2012 17:14

Agree with your last post revolting. It isn't all about sex.

I think it is lovely that DD is able to go to bed with someone who makes her happy. Last year we had a terrible bereavement, it was comforting for me to know she was not on her own throught out the nights.

exoticfruits · 16/06/2012 17:19

I wonder, like RevoltingPeasant, when you actually treat your DC as an adult - is there a magic age? If you have friends coming to stay who have been living together for 10 years do you put them in the same room? I would find it very embarrassing to show them to separate rooms.

shushpenfold · 16/06/2012 17:20

YADNBU - your house, your rules. My parents did this to dh and I before we married, even when engaged....didn't like it but still respected it.

RevoltingPeasant · 16/06/2012 17:21

Sorry for your loss Quick

tbh my first serious partner's mum was like this and it really made me feel distant from her. I was visiting their house for the first time and it made me feel so unwelcome, as though I were A Guest rather than her son's partner. She didn't know it, but we were engaged, and one thing which makes me glad we never married is that I know I would always have felt awkward with her.

By contrast my own mum welcomed DP and MIL did the same to me. We have never had to 'pretend' and sneak around with them, and it's such a relief.

I'm not sure I'd visit my parents if they put DP in a separate room.

Kaekae · 16/06/2012 17:23

YABU! like others have said they will find a way to sleep together under your roof anyway. When I was 19 I always stayed over at my boyfriends house and slept in the same bed, we were very respectful.

exoticfruits · 16/06/2012 17:27

I don't want mine coming back to be treated like 16year olds. They are adults when they go to university and they come home as adults. Of course we all have house rules but they should suit everyone. I wouldn't have my house as a place for casual sex, but when they are in a long term relationship I get to know the partner on a friendly, equal basis. Respect works both ways. I ask them about sleeping arrangements. No one has said when the 'magic age' occurs.

thebody · 16/06/2012 17:28

WhiteWidow · 16/06/2012 17:35

OP, genuine question, what is it about them sleeping together that bothers you?

bigTillyMint · 16/06/2012 17:37

I was just going to ask that!

lovebunny · 16/06/2012 17:37

not unreasonable. it makes no difference whether you know they are sleeping together or not - it's your house and if you'd be uncomfortable with them being together, put them in single rooms.
which doesn't mean they won't be creeping about in the night...
why not talk to your daughter and see what she thinks? she might not want to sleep with him in her parents' home.

5madthings · 16/06/2012 17:38

yabu they are adults! my mum was like this with dp and i, we met at uni, were living together at uni and then were meant to sleep in seperate rooms when we visited, even once i was pregnant with ds1 my mum still tried to make us sleep in seperate rooms! thankfully my dad said she was being riddiculous. 14yrs later we are still together, have 5 kids and a morgage but we havent got married, should we still sleep in seperate rooms?! lol at explaining that one to my elder children, yes mummy and daddy are together but as we are not married some people think we should sleep in seperate rooms!

nooka · 16/06/2012 18:18

I wonder how those who are so keen on marriage before sex/sharing a bed would cope with a gay child, given that they cannot get married as yet.

My mother was totally sold on the no sex before marriage concept and told us so repeatedly, so we weren't surprised that she didn't let us share a bed for years. It didn't make us respect her views, which we thought were simply a product of her upbringing, and frankly wrong. Certainly they didn't bring either her or my father much happiness. They had sex for babies only and stopped once we had all arrived. Mostly I feel rather sorry for them that they have never had enjoyable sex as I think it is a core part of a healthy relationship.

sue52 · 16/06/2012 18:49

Yabu. They are adults in a steady relationship. Why make the holiday awkward for them?

exoticfruits · 16/06/2012 18:52

I wouldn't have got married without sex first - much too risky- you need to really know the person first and therefore I would be much happier if DCs lived with someone first, so to make them have separate rooms seems a bit silly.

5madthings · 16/06/2012 19:06

very silly i agree exotic and when do you change the rules and let me, i mean until very recently dp's aunt and her now dh were not married, they had been together for 20yrs or so? but should they not have shared a room if they were visiting someone who didnt agree with sex before married, i mean they are in their 50's and a long term committed relationship but didnt get married until recently for various reasons.

can those who dont agree with the sex before marriage and sharing rooms come and say when it woudl be ok, or if i visited you with my dp (together 14 yrs, 5 kids but not married) would we not be allowed to share a room?!!

exoticfruits · 16/06/2012 19:46

Times have just moved on. When DH and I went to parent's houses before we were married we had separate rooms, but it was the norm then. Now my DS and my nephew are quite open with my mother - they are both living with their girlfriends and she accepts it. They don't even realise that it could be a tricky subject!

5madthings · 16/06/2012 19:50

yes its funny isnt it, my mil STILL does not like the fact that dp and i arent married, she was horrified when i got pregnant with ds1 that she was going to have to tell her friends her unmarried son and his girlfriend were having a child! she then discovered that actually lots of her friends had children who were in the same situation, she still doesnt like it tho and like my mum was funny about us sharing a room, even once i was pregnant with ds1! (kind of a bit late then...) once ds1 was born tho it wasnt an issue, other than the odd comment about if we will get married or get the children christened... no and no would be the answer to that, tho we may at some point get married if we feel like it and have the spare money :)

exoticfruits · 16/06/2012 19:51

No one has yet given the age that they would start treating them like an adult. On a recent thread, started by a poster unhappy that her 19yr old DD wanted to get married, it came up that lots of people on here got married really young and had met their DH as a teenager. You can't know if it will fizzle out or they will be the parents of your grandchildren.

5madthings · 16/06/2012 20:01

exactly, i was 18 when dp and i met and pregnant at 19, i think both my parents and mil thought that we would split but we are still here :)

i am not sure on when you start treating them like an adult, i think its a very gradual thing with responsibility etc as they get older, but certainly once mine are old enough to have sex and are in a relationship that seems commited (ie more than a few months) then i think i will let them share a room.

my proviso is that they will be over 16! any younger and i would be having discussion with the parents of the boyfriend/girlfriend purely as not letting them share a room wont stop it, but i would want to be able to set ground rules with them that both sets of parents would share and i wouldnt allow a girl or boy under 16 to share a room if their parents werent happy with it.

basically its when they start showing they are responsible and you have to let them ahve the chance to prove it as well, but once at university age i cant see it being an issue at all, i think from 16-18 its a bit of a blurry area depending on the teen and how responsible they are, you cant make hard and fast rules?

Hownoobrooncoo · 16/06/2012 20:38

It's just one of those things for some parents. Not necessarily about morals or that, but some parents just find it really hard to deal with and would feel very uncomfortable in their home. Maybe they should learn to deal with it but would you really feel comfortable yourself putting your parents in that position. Have a few years before I have to deal with these pleasures myself.

AltruisticEnigma · 16/06/2012 20:53

I personally think YABU. If they were 15 and it was this situation however, it would be understandable (not that they would be in uni, but if the word uni was replaced to school).

However they are a) both adults b) clearly in a long term relationship and most likely have slept together and c) they live far away from eachother so it's not like she can pop to his for some intimacy. Perhaps you feel uncomfortable with the idea of them 'being together' like that. I wouldn't be surprised I can imagine nearly every parent finds that squicky - but it doesn't make it any less 'happening'.

If I were in your situation I would let them stay in the same room but have a quiet word with your daughter that you trust her to make her own decisions and to do what she feels appropriate but to respect your house and to keep noise levels (for sexual relations and any possible arguments) to a minimum.

But that's just me. We all see things very differently.

lovingthecoast · 16/06/2012 21:25

I think being uncomfortable about your children being sexual beings is a weird stance. I want my children to grow up to love and enjoy sex with the only consideration to be showing respect for themselves and their partners. Just as I want them to grow up to have careers and all other manner of experiences.

I hope to send them off to university as well adjusted adults and I hope to regularly welcome them back as equals.

MirandaGoshawk · 16/06/2012 21:30

I can understand you feeling a bit uncomfortable/embarrassed but I think you should show your DD respect as an adult and let her BF sleep in her bed.

If you treat her as an adult she is more likely to respect you and will hopefully be discreet re hanky panky.

MirandaGoshawk · 16/06/2012 21:40

Isn't it your DD's home as well? I remember when my mum said that to me - "This is MY house". Made me feel v. sad, as though I didn't belong there.

QueenMaeve · 16/06/2012 21:49

Yanbu. My parents never had to suggest it to me, I would never have considered sharing a room with my boyfriend under their roof. But I know every family is different.

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