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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To make 20yo DD and her boyfriend sleep in different rooms in my house?

373 replies

wishinonastar · 15/06/2012 23:32

DD (20) and her boyfriend (19) are at the same uni and have been together for 18 months. He lives at the opposite end of the country to us so whenever he visits during the holidays he stays for a least a few nights, and right from his first visit we put him in the spare room. Since I am sure that they are sleeping together at uni, am I being ridiculously old fashioned by not letting them share a room now they've been together for a substantial amount of time?

OP posts:
FoxSake · 16/06/2012 12:52

Assuming she is sexually active and only gets to see her bf a couple of times in the holidays they will be having sex somewhere, would you rather it was in a car, in a street? You're only pushing them to find other places they can have sex.
If they are still together next summer perhaps they won't want to come home for the holidays as they'd rather be able to spend private time together. I know what I would rather. Why does the thought of adults having sex offend some people so much? She's having it regardless.

WhiteWidow · 16/06/2012 12:55

'officially single' - so I'm officially single then? Just because I'm a not a great big hypocrite? I'm not religious, I do not believe in god so why would I want to get married. It seems in your world I would be forced to just so I can have sex with my boyfriend and to be a couple in your judgemental eyes!

Krumbum · 16/06/2012 13:00

It's not about it being passé or whatever it's about it being oppressive. You can only have loving consensual sex if you are legally owned by a man. It only penalises women and restricts them to being whores or mothers.
I think people should take sex more seriously and use proper protection, consider the consequences of sex and whether this is the right person/right time. But abstinence before marriage benefits no one.
Why is suddenly less gross to imagine your kids having sex if they married, they are still your kids!

47to31in7days · 16/06/2012 13:01

What she's doing outside of her parents' home is very different to what they do inside it. I am not "offended". I believe that it's wrong before marriage, which is a different thing altogether.

"Modern is good" krumbum? In technology, science and other inherently progressive fields yes. In art, architecture, music etc. no- many people prefer the traditional varieties of these and no-one judges them for it, it is even seen as a sign of refinement to appreciate the literature of the 19th century and no-one would say that the plays written this year "improved" on Shakespeare due to 400 years of progress. In the realm of ideas- no again. Moral principles depend on what someone is basing them on. It is not an "improvement" or "progress" to sleep around over having one long-term loving sanctified relationship that starts with courtship and a kiss at the altar, first sex on that night, then ends with a funeral decades later. That is regression if anything.

WhiteWidow · 16/06/2012 13:04

Sex is a massive thing in getting to know someone I think. The connection only increases the love I feel for my partner. It takes a relationship to a whole new level of trust. I don't think you should commit to ANYONE legally without first knowing them inside and out.

lovingthecoast · 16/06/2012 13:04

YABU

I think the 'your house, your rules' is fine if you are consistent with your adult guests. So when you have friends stay over who are in their 40s but have always just co-habited then you insist they also sleep in separate rooms.

She is an adult and her sex life is entirely healthy and normal. Not something either she or you should be ashamed of. I very much hope to bring up my 4kids with the attitude that sex is a normal, fun perk of being an adult.

mummmsy · 16/06/2012 13:04

yawn 47

anyway...the issue here that no-one else has really picked up on is gender - it's all about policing women's/daughters bodies

yabu let them share! Grin

PorkyandBess · 16/06/2012 13:05

I can remember my parents insisting on my boyfriend sleeping in a spare room.

I Blush at what we used to get up to as a result. Quickies all over the house - we were very inventive.

ShullBit · 16/06/2012 13:07

The OP hasn't even stated whether she doesn't believe in sex before marriage yet, so why talk as if she has and therefore we are giving her a hard time and we are in the wrong for not valuing her beliefs?

Many have pointed out that if it is for that reason, and she has the same rule for every unmarried "single" couple who stay under her roof, then she isn't being unreasonable.

47to31in7days · 16/06/2012 13:08

WhiteWidow- being "forced to", "in my world"? LOL! That is ridiculous!
I just agreed that my view is a minority one and as such is not to be forced on anyone else who disagrees with it except that people can make decisions about what they want going on in their own house. I don't think anyone should be forced to get married or not have sex... I am not a wannabe dictator, Sacha Baron Cohen.

Krumbum- now you ARE being outdated because you used the word LEGALLY and whatever our opinions are on marriage, the LAW does not currently state that marriage makes a man owner of a woman or anything similar, "coverture" as it was called. This was abolished in the 19th century.

I believe in applying it equally to men and women. Men should wait, women should wait, that's my view. The word "whore" is not one I brought in. This sounds like a radical-feminist critique of marriage, which does not answer my view on marriage at all (an equal partnership between husband and wife, without oppression of females.) I am not responsible for the fact that historically women have been more ferociously castigated and socially sanctioned than men for extraconjugal relations.

WhiteWidow · 16/06/2012 13:17

No it isn't, my relationship to you is not real as it isn't 'sanctified'. THATS ridiculous. There's many married couples who won't be as good as we are, but I forgot our love doesn't mean anything unless we go and say 'I do'

Sallyingforth · 16/06/2012 13:39

Krumbum: "It's not about it being passé or whatever it's about it being oppressive. You can only have loving consensual sex if you are legally owned by a man. It only penalises women and restricts them to being whores or mothers."

WTF !!! Do you REALLY think that is what marriage is? That's an insult to the millions of women in a genuine partnership of marriage.

WhiteWidow · 16/06/2012 13:41

Well to be fair that what marriage was all about, and still is to some people.

WildImaginings · 16/06/2012 14:25

I'm 21, and have just moved back home from uni.
My Mum is not old fashioned in the slightest in any other aspect, but she will NOT let a bf sleep in my room. They have to sleep in the spare room, and even then she doesn't particularly like it.
Her reasoning is that even after she had me and was still living at home, my Father wasn't allowed to sleep in her room (surely the damage was already done then though!)
For her, it's nothing to do with being married, as she's never been married and her partner lives with us.
I think she just doesn't like the idea of it in her house IYSWIM?
It's made me roll my eyes a few times I'll admit, but ultimately, it's her decision and I have to respect that.

LeQueen · 16/06/2012 14:47

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Greythorne · 16/06/2012 14:53

Depends what you want to achieve.

An honest yet respectful mother-daughter relationship which gives her space to come to you for advice about relationships is probably not on the agenda if you continue with this separate bedrooms malarky.

She is sn adult and she us also your DD, so you need to figure out pretty fast if you want to continue the parent-child paradigm or move onto something else.

If you have an honest chat and ecplain why you would not have allowed this whilst she was 15-16 and why, as well as about boundaries (no noisy sex, longterm partners only, etc) she will probably respect you more and your relationship could benefit.

MarysBeard · 16/06/2012 14:58

My boyfriend at uni when I was 20 wasn't allowed to stay in my room when he stayed over - my mum would have let him but my dad was funny about it. However my mum put her foot down about it and my dad had to concede defeat when future DH came to stay when I was 23 as we had been living together for a few months by then!

It's a long way off yet but would personally let a steady boyfriend of DDs stay over from 16+. Would hope they won't be in a sexual relationship before then...

PackItInNow · 16/06/2012 15:45

YABU. If my DD was that age and had a steady BF, then I would let her stay in the same room. I would feel very hypocritical if I was having sex with DH and not allowing my DD (or DS for that matter) to do the same. Once my kids are adults I will be treating them like I would want to be treated.

My parents didn't allow me to sleep in the same room as my fiance (now DH) when we visited. Needless to say we only visited twice a year and my DM was very upset about our lack of visiting. I eventually told her that we either sleep together or we don't stay at their's. We decided to stay at our friend's house as we were respected as adults and not seen as kids.

QuickLookBusy · 16/06/2012 16:59

My Dd is 21, is at uni and has a boyfriend she has been going out with for about 18mths. We have allowed them to share a room for about 12 months.
Before that they did have separate bedrooms.

They are very serious about each other and it seems daft to make they sleep in different rooms.

RevoltingPeasant · 16/06/2012 17:04

Haven't finished reading thread but here is a serious question:

For those saying unmarried children should not have sex in their parents' home, what happens if they never get married?

So you don't allow two 20yos in a room.

What about when they are 28 and own their own home?

What about when they are 35 and have two DC of their own?

What about when they are 43 and have been together for nearly a quarter of a century?

What about when they are 50 and seeing their DC off to uni?

At what point does it become 'respectful' to acknowledge that they have had sex? Confused

oiwheresthecoffee · 16/06/2012 17:05

I think yes YABVU.
Im not much older than your DD , if i knew myself and my partner who i had been with with quite a while would not be welcome to share a room in my mothers house then i wouldnt visit with him. which would be a shame for her id imagine rather than for us.

RevoltingPeasant · 16/06/2012 17:06

Oh and also - sharing a bed is not just about having sex. There was a programme on Radio 4 today about a disabled man who visited a sex worker in part so he could spend a night with a woman and experience that special intimacy of sleeping in a bed with someone. It is a big part of a relationship.

If your children are on holiday or coming home for Christmas, why would you want to take that particular innocent pleasure away from them?

When I am cold DP snuggles me. Last night he had a horrible nightmare and started breathing really hard and crying out so I woke him up and we had a cuddle. Those moments are what sharing a bed is about as well as sex. I am amazed that people just focus on that.

FioFio · 16/06/2012 17:11

it's your house, if you don't want them sleeping in the same room it's up to you!

FioFio · 16/06/2012 17:12

hark at all the young people with babies telling you what to do

sniggers

WhiteWidow · 16/06/2012 17:12

I haven't got a baby.