To be absolutely LIVID with my kids?? Do I expect too much? honesty please

[Fragmin]

So, just started a new job, 13 hour shifts, 3 days a week.

My kids are 12 and 13. Neither are special needs or have any other excuses.

I have to set off for work at 6.30am which means they have to be trusted to get themselves up (well, I wake them but they are free to lounge in bed until later with an alarm on incase they fall asleep.

Request 1 - get up and leave the house for school before 8.20am.

Now, as I don't get home until 8.30pm they kids are free to go to their grandma's house when they get home from school - however they prefer to come straight home.

Request 2 - keep the house reasonably tidy.

And, as a rare treat I told them to take £20 out of the kitty tonight for a takeaway 1, so that they could eat before I got home and 2, to save me cooking.

Request 3 - just pop into the chinese (they walk past it on the way to their favourite take-away) and grab me a portion of noodles and curry I can warm up when I get home.

So - do I ask too much? really? Because

a) DS2 decides he'd stay home from school all day and paint his skateboard. I didn't know until I got home at 8.15pm (finished early).

b) The house was an absolute tip. Sweet wrappers all over the living room floor, cushions thrown all over, pots everwhere - honestly it looked like a bunch of toddlers had been shown in and told to "go crazy". Very nice to walk into after a 13 hour shift.

c) they couldn't even be arsed to wait 5 minutes in the chinese for my tea. Got themselves theirs of course, spent the money I left them then fucked off home leaving me with nothing for my tea.

Maybe it's because I had a particularly hard day at work but I'm so angry I could cry.

From their point of view, nobody knows whether or not they go to school. The only mistake DS2 made was not to come up with a cover story rather than confessing to painting his skateboard and leaving an obvious mess. Next time they will do better at covering their backs and you may not realise what they've been up to quite so fast.

Honestly - every child is tempted to play hooky and lay in bed, all you have done is create the environment in which they can get away with it unchallenged. I agree with other posters that you have overestimated their maturity and need to come up with some ways of supervising them during the day.

where;s the op??

TBH dd2 cooked me dinner as the day before she had fallen over in the park on her way home from school between busses and her brand new coat was covered in mud. She rang me in tears and I told her not to worry about the coat and to leave it and I would sort it when I got home. She then took herself to her club. I cam home and cleaned her shoes, coat and school bag which where all covered in mud - a lady with a double buggy had pushed into her by mistake and then walked off.

dd was delighted her new coat was washed and cleaned as were her shoes and bag - so she cooked me the dinner and the cakes to say thank you

MrsRigby Thu 14-Jun-12 22:55:51
"ivykaty44 and others - this is obviously where I am going wrong with my two boys, instead of being a mother to them, providing them with authority, playing with them, cooking for them, cleaning up after them etc I should take your approach and have them look after me instead!"

MrsRigby, it is quite possible to combine the two approaches.

I had a very caring mother who spent lots of time doing the things you mention- but who also made sure that I had the opportunities I needed to develop my own independence and learn to take a little responsiblity. As a result, I was well prepared for moving from home when I turned 18: I could cook and look after myself and was not terrified of being alone.

If your dc get to the age of 18 and have always had someone cleaning up after them, then the transition of going to uni is going to be very hard.

Providing your children with authority can involve the authority to say "right, I am very busy tomorrow so I would like you to organise supper".

Some of the students I see today struggle with making the simplest decisions because they have never been in a situation where they had to rely on their own initiative.

You know some kids breeze through life being amazingly good and so compliant and lovely.

Then they hit 12 or 13...senior school...new crowd of 'cool kids' and it can all go very pear shaped.

So again this has nothing to do with age.

It's all about the kids themselves and the OP's kids clearly aren't trustworthy.

totally agree with landofmakebelieve

no parenting going on, kids left alone far too long

poor wee buggers

ivykary44 you shouldn't be looking after each other, you should be looking after them, you are the mother, that is your job.

I would never dream of leaving my sons alone or asking them to cook dinner etc for me. I am their mother, I look after them, not the other way round.

YANBU

My DSs have been getting themselves to school ( I leave an hour before them every day) for the last 2 years, most of that time without incident, although DS1 (yr 9) has several times in the last few months just decided not to go to school, most recently yesterday. He is currently on an Xbox/TV ban until further notice.

It's very easy to say that children must have someone at home with them before/after school etc. That's just not a reality for most people. Like the OP and many other parents, I have to work, in my case I'm a lone parent with no family. No childminder round here would take a child after end of Yr 6 and frankly Ds1 wouldn't have gone anyway. So there's no other option. Having said that, it does generally work ok for us, with the exception of DS1s recent shenanigans.

MRSrigby - My job is to keep a roof over her head - as no other bugger is going to do that

Well said piprabbit.

MrsRigby Thu 14-Jun-12 23:04:31
"ivykary44 you shouldn't be looking after each other, you should be looking after them, you are the mother, that is your job.

I would never dream of leaving my sons alone or asking them to cook dinner etc for me. I am their mother, I look after them, not the other way round."

So what will happen when they leave home if they have never cooked a meal or had to take a turn looking after anyone? Surely sooner or later you must let them start practising- otherwise it's going to be a bit tough on their girlfriends, isn't it?

I see my role as dc's mother as a combination of looking after them and teaching them the skills they will need to look after themselves. And those skills need practising.

You can't leave them alone for that long.

Some DCs would be fine. Yours aren't. And there's a hell of a lot worse they could be doing than skipping school, making the house messy and not getting your dinner.

They've got a guaranteed adult free house 3x a week for hours at a time.

I don't know if this differs depending on the area, because I'm really shocked that 12/13 year olds are being treated like babies.

Just another angle - the OP feels it is OK to leave kids alone for at least 5 hours a day.
As do others on this thread.
Are they the type of people who go crazy when a school has to close for adverse weather and leave them with unsupervised kids whilst they work?
Because if all of you who think it is OK to leave kids for so long wouldn't worry about leaving kids during school closure either?
Just a thought.

Mrsrigby.

Firstly good luck finding childcare for your teenage sons.

Secondly, you will never leave them alone?
Slightly ridiculous statement tbh, at 15 you will insist they accompany you everywhere

Thirdly, they will never have to cook dinner etc?
So when they leave home, how on earth will they cope?

And finally, your job as a mother is to teach your DCs to be independent and responsible and teach them basic life skills.

If you think you are doing a better job parenting your DCs like this rather than those of us who choose to equip our children with the necessary skills and experience to be independent when they leave home you are IMHO wrong.

You can keep a roof over your head without leaving 12 year old's alone from 6am until 8.30pm at night though!
The OP said 'they can go to Grandma's." So obviously not stuck for childcare. Why not just let her help out a little bit in the first place?!

It doesn't matter whether your children do cook you dinner do handle money sensibly, the point is that they should be able to do it.

I have brought my DD's up to be independant and self reliant when they have tobe. my eldest DD had a nightmare time when she first moved in with her DP, him being the spoilt 'mummy's boy', that he was.

10 years later and she still has to take control of the finances.

Op didn't mention keeping a roof over her dc head - I did

Oh and to the poster that asked, yes my DCs stay at home alone in the holidays, inset days, school closures etc.

Is that a bad thing to you?

I'm all for equipping them for the future and life skills. However, at the age of 12 it goes without saying that you do need a parent as well - you can't expect a 12 year old to suddenly morph into an adult!

No, but if you teach them from a young age to have responsibilities, age appropriate jobs, they wont need to turn into a responsible adult overnight.

cory I lived at home with my brother and 2 parents. Our parents did everything for my brother and I. We never cooked or cleaned etc. I moved out shortly before my 21st into a flat on my own and managed to get a job, do my own shopping, cook my own food, wash my own clothes, clean my own flat, pay my own bills etc etc.

My point is, I grew up not having done any of this and I managed to leave home and spend the next 4 years on my own with no support and still be able to do all this. If I were to go by your theory, none of this would have happened as my parents hadn't taught me the skills I needed.

no one is asking a teenager to suddenly become an adult though. Op asked her teens to do a couple of simple tasks and this is three times a week that leaves four days a week that Op is in the house morning and night.

"Are they the type of people who go crazy when a school has to close for adverse weather and leave them with unsupervised kids whilst they work"

No, my DD was fine from the age of 12, with her 10 year old sister.

My eldest, now 27, thanks me for the mature, independant person that i helped her to become.

My 11 and 13 (well, 14 yesterday) year old would be ok doing this. Although the house might not be completely tidy! They might not love it - and I'm sure they would go to their grandparents at least once a week - but I would hope that they would see my job as something important for the family, and would pull their weight.

But my kids are pretty helpful and sensible - each week each of them (the other 2 are 9 and 15) plans, shops for (i.e.adds to online shop) and cooks dinner one night. They enjoy it.