To be absolutely LIVID with my kids?? Do I expect too much? honesty please

[Fragmin]

So, just started a new job, 13 hour shifts, 3 days a week.

My kids are 12 and 13. Neither are special needs or have any other excuses.

I have to set off for work at 6.30am which means they have to be trusted to get themselves up (well, I wake them but they are free to lounge in bed until later with an alarm on incase they fall asleep.

Request 1 - get up and leave the house for school before 8.20am.

Now, as I don't get home until 8.30pm they kids are free to go to their grandma's house when they get home from school - however they prefer to come straight home.

Request 2 - keep the house reasonably tidy.

And, as a rare treat I told them to take £20 out of the kitty tonight for a takeaway 1, so that they could eat before I got home and 2, to save me cooking.

Request 3 - just pop into the chinese (they walk past it on the way to their favourite take-away) and grab me a portion of noodles and curry I can warm up when I get home.

So - do I ask too much? really? Because

a) DS2 decides he'd stay home from school all day and paint his skateboard. I didn't know until I got home at 8.15pm (finished early).

b) The house was an absolute tip. Sweet wrappers all over the living room floor, cushions thrown all over, pots everwhere - honestly it looked like a bunch of toddlers had been shown in and told to "go crazy". Very nice to walk into after a 13 hour shift.

c) they couldn't even be arsed to wait 5 minutes in the chinese for my tea. Got themselves theirs of course, spent the money I left them then fucked off home leaving me with nothing for my tea.

Maybe it's because I had a particularly hard day at work but I'm so angry I could cry.

Yes but I meant leaving empty house with no Goodbye and no one there when come home. IMO too young

YABU, very much so.

Only read a few replies and I am shocked so many people seem to think this is acceptable. My DS1 at 13 would be perfectly capable of everything you have expected, but whether I want him to have to do that is another matter.

I wouldn't want my children to have to do this, but nor would I want to work 13 hour shifts 3 days a week - sometimes things aren't perfect. Money needs to be earned, and I think at 12 and 13 they are capable of supporting OP much better than this.

She didn't say she leaves them with no Goodbye, imnotmymum: seeing that she specifically stated that she wakes them up before she goes, I'd consider that unlikely. Just because she allows them to lounge in bed, doesn't mean she is refusing to speak to them.

And coming back to an empty house is entirely their choice: they have the choice of heading straight for grandma's house instead, which will not be empty. How is that worse than a childminder's or after school club?

I agree nit.

For me, the DC should be going to their Nan's after school. She can chat to them, keep an eye on them, make sure they eat properly etc

I still wonder what the OP is going to do in the holidays though.

I'm shocked how many people do not want their teenagers to have any responsibilities and independence. And then expect them to become adults with all the rights and responsibilities overnight.

No wait, wasn't there a story somewhere recently about parents sleeping in college dorms as they don't want to leave the poor helpless babies alone?

hazel has anyone said they don't want their DC to have responsibilities?

I think there's a huge difference between giving your DC responsibilities and leaving them to their own devices which is what is happening to the OP's children three times a week.

I don't think there are many parents that want to work 13 hour shifts and not get in until 8pm.
But if the alternative is not working at all some people in the real world without au pairs and nannies have to suck it up and get on with it.

As for my comparison being silly I was simply pointing out it is utterly ridiculous to judge the ops parental interaction with her children in the basis that she works 3 days a week.
No one has any idea how she, or any other person on this thread interacts with their DCs and I was pointing out that there are SAHM who pretty much ignore their DCs whilst they are at home.
The op has 2 days and the weekend to interact with her children in the way she sees fit.

She wasn't asking to be judged on her parenting skills, just whether her DCs were old enough to tidy up and get a takeaway for dinner.

So no, it's not a silly comparison, some working mums do interact very well with their DCs, some SAHM let their DCs play playstation, watch tv and not do any homework and play out until 10pm as long as they get peace and quiet.

that's what I'm talking about - the OP expects the teenagers to be responsible for getting up, going to school and keeping the house tidy. The responsibility would not be theirs if she was there, directing and supervising it.

YABU. Sorry.

They are under the age of adult-hood. They are still being taught how to be adults, they are not adults.

If you are a single parent then you have my sympathy. If not then you will have to think about changing your job or shift.

MrsRigby, I pity the woman (or man) who finds themself living with either of your sons if they've been brought up to think that it's not their job to cook, clean or be able to take care of their own children.

yabu, too young, too much. They are still children.

It would be fine as a one-off, or occasionally. It would be fine if granny popped in at some point, it would be fine if the oldest was 15 or 16, it would be fine if there was an adult keeping an eye on them.

No, YANBU. You are not asking anything unreasonable of them at all. Getting themselves up for school. Not sure - probably reasonable but my 15yr old would struggle. Asking them to clear up their own mess. Again perfectly reasonable. Buy a takeaway with a little bit extra so that OP can eat too. Eminently reasonable.

They have granny's house to go to if they want to.

Sometimes needs must. And this is one of those times. OP needs to work. And at least with these shift patterns she gets 4 whole days a week off.

I'd be furious. Particularly re the take away as it's unbeleivably selfish and unkind.

Both my parents worked and I was the eldest, the other two much younger. From the age of 12 I had to pick them up from school, cook tea and look after them till 6pm. And yes, it taught me how to cook, clean and be responsible. However, having to shoulder too much resposiblity for others and myself at a young age has made me old before my time, and I feel like I never had a childhood.

These are children, in time they will be taught how to be resposible and to look after things, however, they are in the process of being taught.

wow kids are really immature these days. i'm shocked people don't think they can get themselves up and take themselves to school in particular.

I did that every day from the beginning of secondary school including commuting across London from a train station a mile away. What would happen if the OP had a younger child that needed getting up, what would the older children do then? wait their turn?!

@numbertaker crossed posts. my point exactly as I was the oldest of three and from the age of 8 onwards was expected to get myself up and dressed in the mornings. I wasn't expected to do meal times until I was 14 though.

The thing is there is another option- grandmother's

It is nonsense to say they will not be independent when they grow up, they are 12 and 13 ffs, they have a good few years yet. You don't need to leave children on their own for hours to teach them how to be responsible and look after themselves, as I said DS would be perfectly capable of doing this, he would go to school and he would do what I had asked of him. I do not leave him alone for hours at a time as I do not think this is a nice way to grow up.

tantrum I made no comment on the OP's parental interaction generally. I simply stated the obvious, whioch is thta on those three days the DC get insufficient parental interaction IMVHO.

We are parents, not magicians; we cannot be in two places at once. It is a skill that most of us would love but still eludes us.

I think its a lot to expect of them and my guess is that the kids are playing up because they are fed up with not seeing you 3 days a week - sorry I know that is not what you want to hear.

I am a working single parent and am dreading when dd is secondary school aged as will cause real problems with childcare, much eaiser now as she can go to childminder.

I think you need to look at reducing the hours tbh, even if you could do a 12hr shift and be home by 6.30pm.

I wouldnt leave a 12 & 13 yr old to get themselves to school ,then again be left alone till 8.30pm. YABVU. You should be providing adequate childcare for them both, not a choice to go to grannys if the want to.

exactly numbertaker- just because they can doesn't mean they should

DH was what they used to call a 'latchkey kid'. He was alone in the house in the morning and evening and it made him very sad. Looking back he says he didn't feel like anyone cared.

He was probably a more streetwise teen than me, but I was most definitely far more responsible than him. I have always thought it was more about personality really.

It's very interesting to read the different replies.

I had to sort myself out from a relatively young age for various reasons, I imagine that colours my response.

I think of the family as a unit, if one member has to work, the others have to manage and do their bit. It's a team thing.

ReneandGeorgetteMagritte Fri 15-Jun-12 11:35:32
"The thing is there is another option- grandmother's
...
I I do not leave him alone for hours at a time as I do not think this is a nice way to grow up."

But isn't the whole point that the OPs dc have the chance to decide what they think is a nice way of growing up- and if they don't like this they can pop round to grandma's- or ring grandma and ask her over for tea.

Or do posters genuinely think 12/13yo have so little initiative that they can't notice if they are lonely and give grandma a ring?

I get the supervision thing, if these particular dc are not very reliable. But I seriously struggle to get the poor lonely little mites thing- if they are lonely why don't they get off their backside and find grandma? They have somebody who does care- all they've got to do is go there.

Yes it is Hully totally agree but at 12/13 ?? I think that perhaps schooling/homework will slip, how does OP know what they up to. I have to leave my DCs to sort things occasionally, but 3 days a week every week ?

Honestly, how lonely can they be if they decide to skip school?

So what if it's an emotional response to their mum being away (which is really a v. indulgent view of the situation)? They should be unselfish enough to sort it out for themselves and not let it interfere with the running of the household. Everyone has hang ups and problems. Yes, it's best to deal with them, but it's also best to exercise a little self discipline and hide it until it's more convenient- which is perfectly possible at 12/13. They're not animals, they can control themselves. Anyway, I have difficulty believing that leaving rubbish everywhere is a thinly veiled attack on the OP.....just an expression of their laziness, more like!