To be absolutely LIVID with my kids?? Do I expect too much? honesty please

[Fragmin]

So, just started a new job, 13 hour shifts, 3 days a week.

My kids are 12 and 13. Neither are special needs or have any other excuses.

I have to set off for work at 6.30am which means they have to be trusted to get themselves up (well, I wake them but they are free to lounge in bed until later with an alarm on incase they fall asleep.

Request 1 - get up and leave the house for school before 8.20am.

Now, as I don't get home until 8.30pm they kids are free to go to their grandma's house when they get home from school - however they prefer to come straight home.

Request 2 - keep the house reasonably tidy.

And, as a rare treat I told them to take £20 out of the kitty tonight for a takeaway 1, so that they could eat before I got home and 2, to save me cooking.

Request 3 - just pop into the chinese (they walk past it on the way to their favourite take-away) and grab me a portion of noodles and curry I can warm up when I get home.

So - do I ask too much? really? Because

a) DS2 decides he'd stay home from school all day and paint his skateboard. I didn't know until I got home at 8.15pm (finished early).

b) The house was an absolute tip. Sweet wrappers all over the living room floor, cushions thrown all over, pots everwhere - honestly it looked like a bunch of toddlers had been shown in and told to "go crazy". Very nice to walk into after a 13 hour shift.

c) they couldn't even be arsed to wait 5 minutes in the chinese for my tea. Got themselves theirs of course, spent the money I left them then fucked off home leaving me with nothing for my tea.

Maybe it's because I had a particularly hard day at work but I'm so angry I could cry.

I think that's too long to leave kids of that age op, and you are expecting too much from them.

Have they suddenly had to do this or were they expected to keep the place tidy before?

OK so this is three days a week, ask your mum for a spare key and drop your kids off at her house on a morning, if it's 5.30 then so be it. If they are not dressed take them in Pyjamas.

After school back to grans for homework, no TV, no internet.

It is three days a week, they can cope with the odd early start. If they want you to leave them in bed then they need to earn that back.

I guess the point is that in theory, they're definitely not too young to be expected to manage what you propose (if you consider, on a global basis, what 12/13 yr olds are expected to do, and the fact that in my grandparent's generation, most people started full time employment at 14, what you're asking is not unreasonable)

However, our culture doesn't do a great job of producing very independent teenagers (parents tend to do far too much for Dc for far too long), so I think it would be unreasonable to expect them to go overnight from you being around before and after school, and getting them organised, to doing it all for themselves.

We're too soft on them. This thread has proved this.

Narked your generalisations are ridiculous. Look at me, I was alone a lot and had responsibility, I didn't run off shagging about, but funnily enough my mate who was mothered did.

Poor OP, probably sleeping off that 13 hour shift.

My children grew up to be independent adults, despite me not leaving them for 13 hours a day at 12.

I realise it's difficult at that age to sort out childcare etc, and my DS had to let himself in and wait for me to get home for an hour after school.

But I would not have left him until 8.30 regularly.

It's not 13 hours a day.

The op is talking about a school day.

And that's great for you, I have also manages to raise responsible teenagers despite choosing to leave them at home on their own.

Everyone has there own method don't they?
Some people don't have the option of family members etc.

Doesnt mean they are bad parents or that their DCs will automatically go off the rails.

Some kids would manage this fine.

These two are not in that group.

Personally I think being alone from 6:30 or was it 7:30? Till 8:30pm is too much.

I can't remember the exact details but my mum worked and sometimes I had to come home to an empty house and start dinner etc, I'm pretty sure she always saw me off the premises in the morning.

If I'm honest if she hadn't I'd quite possibly have taken the piss and not bothered going in too.

I was on the surface capable and did what I was told...but my mum probably still doesn't know half of what I got up to and I truanted regularly because I could

Poor mum she had to work and what a sod I was!

So YABU its too much for them at this stage. But I sympathise as you have to work, deffo send them to grannies if that is an option.

YABU I think they are a bit young to be left with that much responsibility. Yes mine were coming home to an empty house on some days at that age but I wouldn't have expected them to do as much as you are asking. I also wouldn't have trusted them get themselves out of the house in the morning and lock up properly.

I ask again,.....

What are parents who have to work but have no family to help out, supposed to do? what is the OP to do about making sure they get to school?

Plenty of posts saying its wrong but none offering a long term workable solution that doesnt involve granny getting up at 5:30am (she didnt sign up for that, she said after school)

I would expect mine to manage that and be cross if they didn't.

Some kids of 5 and 6 are out working.

In 3 years the eldest could get married and have their own child - I really dont think its U at all to expect them to get up, get themselves to school, not trash a house they are left in for a little while and pick up dinner...they're not babies

I can see t would be galling for the OP, and as a one off I'd expect my own DC to be able to do as asked.

But I just don't think this is an appropriate set up for DC of that age on a permanent basis.

To have no meaningful parental interaction for three school days out of five is too much. And what of the holidays? Will they spend three full days without any adult supervision during the school holidays?

YANBU, but it would probably be easier if you modify a few things: can you phone them at important times of the day? In the morning about 30 mins before they need to leave for school? After school to check they got home/to their granny's? And hour before you get home to remind them you are on your way and expect the house to be tidyish?

Maybe get some food in the freezer to heat up rather than takeaways?

Insist they go to their granny?

The phrase "no meaningful parental interaction" makes me feel a bit stabby tbh.

The op could have more meaningful interaction with her DCs in the couple of hours after she gets in and the 2 days that she is not working, than plenty of parents who are at home all day, but let their DCs sit upstairs in their bedrooms playing ps3 from the moment they come home until the time they go to bed, I do actually know parents like that.

And to be fair, you don't really know what kind of interaction the op has with her DCs

And Yy to the phone calls, my DCs text me when they get to school and phone me when they get home so I know they are where they are supposed to be IYSWIM

I'm going to disagree with the majority and say YANBU but then my DP says I expect to much. I was doing those things from age 10 with no problem so I don't see why others can't especially at 12 & 13.

My mum was a single parent that had to work full time and I didn't want to go to a childminders so I would get up with my mum in the morning but she would leave half an hour before I needed too so I would get ready and watch TV until it was my time to leave, let myself and the cat out and lock up and walk to school. At the end of the day I would come home, let myself in and the cat in, get changed, feed the cat, have a tidy round / hoover / dust so it was not a mess for my mum and sometimes I would even start preparing tea etc. I was very sensible, mature and independent for my age I suppose.

My DP's kids (7 & 10) can't even tidy up they toys they have had to help out without having a stop about it, are very silly with little common sense and can't even be trusted to walk to my mums or sisters round the corner sensibly or safely (something my 3 & autistic 8 year old can do) let alone trust them to walk to school and I certainly wouldn't let them loose in a kitchen they struggle to even pour a drink without getting it everywhere. It really irks me because at age 10 I expect the eldest to be a lot more capable and sensible than she is and my DP says I am unreasonable but I don't think I am.

I agree gobble.

I owuld be furious if my dc couldn't look after themselves to that extent, and if they left a mess I'd be cross because whether I am there or not - I AM NOT THE MAID

Totally agree Tantrums.

I think some posters on MN actually live on another planet. See suggestion that the OP gets an au pair above

tantrums the OP is out of the house for thirteen hours. When she gets home she will be tired and hungry.

Presumably the DC will be winding down for the day. Bed at what 9-9.30pm?

Personally, I don't think that's conducive. Occassionally wouldn't be a problem. But as a permenant thing, I just don't think it works.

And I think defending it by saying that there are Mums at home doing a bad job is silly. What sort of comparrison is that?

Wow much to young to be responsible for all that 3days a week every week. Poor things must be really lonely

I would have been livid too. At their age you should be able to trust your children to take care of themselves and their home.

My mother was a single parent and often worked similar shifts (actually she finished work at nine so didn't get home until much later) but we managed to cook ourselves a meal, feed and walk the dog, clean and tidy AND complete our homework.

imnotmymum Fri 15-Jun-12 10:21:13
"Wow much to young to be responsible for all that 3days a week every week. Poor things must be really lonely"

Did you not read the OP? If they are lonely they can trot round to grandma's.
They don't have to sit there and be lonesome.